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Old 03-03-2018, 09:50 AM
 
4,293 posts, read 6,398,941 times
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Extended family as the person missing is the brother of my brother-in-laws wife. Apparently he was hiking in Vermont yesterday and got lost. I'm not sure if he was 21 year or not, but still in college so a life ahead of him.

I'm not much for mourning or grief, I struggle with showing emotion over things like this. But my wife is on the phone with her mom right now and tearing up, and the immediate family of the lost are *extremely* close with one another. I muddle my way through these situations as best I can, but it feels weird when everyone else is choked up and I can see, understand, empathize... but not join in the tears shed.

Well, with more info from my mother-in-law, looks like this is a death:

Search resuming for hiker who fell through ice in Vermont | Reading Eagle - AP

Quote:
“Preliminary investigation shows so far from what we've spoken to witnesses and things that the person was walking down there and slipped on some ice and fell and went though the ice and into the water and didn't come back up,” said Stowe Police Chief Donald Hull.
*sighs* Now, my only hope is that the sunny disposition of the family can return. I'm glad that they were able to all come together for a couple weeks over Christmas too, still a hard position to bury a child/youngest sibling.
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Old 03-03-2018, 12:05 PM
 
Location: Somewhere in northern Alabama
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I saw that last night on the WCAX website. I've been to Bingham Falls a few times and one has to be careful, even in summer.

One doesn't have to join in the tears shed or feel weird about it. Just understanding and allowing others their responses is a caring way of handling it. I'm still wrapping my head around what your connection is. Your wife's brother married, and his wife had a younger brother who died. Is that right? I can understand how if you had limited contact with him your reactions might be muted and more towards supporting the others closer to him.
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Old 03-03-2018, 12:15 PM
 
Location: Nantahala National Forest, NC
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No matter if you were close or not...sorry to hear...

that shock of ice water would be too much for even the best swimmer.
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Old 03-03-2018, 12:52 PM
 
4,293 posts, read 6,398,941 times
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Quote:
Originally Posted by harry chickpea View Post
I'm still wrapping my head around what your connection is. Your wife's brother married, and his wife had a younger brother who died. Is that right?
Yup... both families are fairly large and live in close proximity. When I met him, he was still in high school so we've been to the same family social gatherings for several years (he being the youngest, I'm the oldest by a few decades) but clearly not in the same social groups.


More information came to light. He apparently was at the Top of the falls, slipped and fell over the edge and then through the ice. They did recover his body a few hours back, which is good for the family. Parents are struggling, which is beyond understandable, he was their only son and youngest too. My wife made sure they know we're thinking about them and will help with whatever, whenever they might need it. Not much else to do but stand by and watch though....
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Old 03-04-2018, 11:00 AM
 
Location: northern New England
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I wouldn't hold your breath waiting for the family's "Sunny disposition" to return. Something like that can affect a family for a very long time.
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Old 03-04-2018, 05:05 PM
 
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It's just a hope. Even if it's rare in showing, or even just a glimpse, I'll be happy it can exist.
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Old 03-04-2018, 10:56 PM
 
Location: colorado springs, CO
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How awful. I’m so sorry.

I struggle with the showing emotion thing as well; I just go into auto-pilot or something. There are contributing factors in my case, though, such as ASD & a diagnosis of PTSD that I didn’t agree with, initially.

But you know, I have always been somewhat stoic during crisis. People like us are good to have around in an emergency, is the way I see it. It certainly helped me in my nursing career; coworkers would comment: “Wow, you were so calm!” Which initially would surprise me because I really didn’t feel calm at all!

Just watch out for yourself during these next few weeks & maybe even months with the family. You will need some “down time” too.
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Old 03-05-2018, 08:47 AM
 
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I'm somewhat familiar with how I react to things like this. Several years back an uncle took his life after 6 years of battling cancer, when all hope was finally lost. He left behind a mother (who lived with him), wife and siblings. I only live about 4 miles away and got a call saying he needed help (situation was lost in shock and translation) so I arrived before any of the rest of the family with my wife and immediately saw that his mother was the worst off (wife had someone with her and my wife went to her as well). I managed to move up from the guy who wasn't good enough for her granddaughter (my wife was told she needed to date more before settling on me) simply by getting her a chair and rubbing her back shoulders.

I may not share the grief in the same ways, but I do recognize it. Right now I'm concerned about my brother-in-law (my wife's brother). He's basically a surrogate son to the parents and the most ingrained non-blood of the family who also happens to be like myself. I get the feeling he's running himself ragged in trying to offer support to the ~12 blood relations who are all living within about 20 miles of each other.

I'm torn in all this. I'm retired and have all the time in the world, more than happy to assist with anything but I know there's nearly nothing to assist With, and they are getting assaulted on all sides with well meaning people. So, I keep my distance for now and plan to ask if they need/want anything when everyone else moves on in a few weeks time. One step at a time now though, the wake is scheduled for this Friday and I'm helping deliver the food afterwards. Just going to do what I can. Doesn't change that I feel a little guilty that I'm not emotional like everyone else I know.
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