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Old 03-13-2018, 08:17 AM
 
5 posts, read 2,516 times
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OK here it goes,

I recently started dating a women who lost her "fiance" in a accident that they were both in. To be honest when I heard what happened I sent her a facebook message saying how sorry I was for her and her families loss. Ive know them both for about 6 years but we only hung out with some common friends a couple of times. She had responded back and told me about a fundraiser for the family.

Maybe 2 months after that I got another message from her, she was basically asking me to hang out sometime, I said yes thinking we wouldn't anytime soon. That sparked days and days of online communication, which eventually lead me to go over to her house one night. We stayed up talking and finally one thing led to another. I chalked it up to her feeling lonely and needed someone to distract her.

After several visits through a period of time, we started hanging out more and more. Feelings were and are building for both of us. At this point she is introducing me to her family and so on. I am a little uncomfortable with it all so I kept trying to back pedal and keep this more casual and friendly...

After a couple months she mumbled the "I love you" to me. Since I was feeling it too I reciprocated it back to her.. Everything has been pretty good considering.

BUT I have to confess, I've found myself feeling, lets say insecure and uncertain about the relationship. She gets on me to spend the night all the time but I feel strange that it was her fiances house and there are multiple pictures of him on just about every wall...

Shes mentioned recently that she wants to get a tattoo with his name on it on her. Not sure how I am to feel about all this...
Opinions ????
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Old 03-13-2018, 08:31 AM
 
Location: Boonies of N. Alabama
2,321 posts, read 2,100,711 times
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How long has it been since her fiance passed and how long were they together?
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Old 03-13-2018, 08:48 AM
 
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Originally Posted by writerwife View Post
How long has it been since her fiance passed and how long were they together?
It was a couple months and they were together for 6 years.
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Old 03-13-2018, 10:11 AM
 
Location: Nantahala National Forest, NC
17,419 posts, read 3,547,315 times
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I'd discuss it with her....tell her how you feel....

it's not fair to you if she is using your relationship as a recovery tool, unless you know about it and agree.

Several months is nothing in recovery from death of a loved one....IMO, it's fine to keep seeing her if you realize she still needs time to get over his death and that she might feel the need for closeness with someone to cover her pain. But it that ok with you?

..the love words, well....I wouldn't count on that at the present time...maybe later.
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Old 03-13-2018, 11:18 AM
 
Location: N of citrus, S of decent corn
34,561 posts, read 42,724,437 times
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Follow your gut instinct, OP. You are filling a hole left empty by her fiancés death. Pun intended.

It’s only common sense that a person needs to grieve a loss, and get their equilibrium back. She may think that she can just pick up a replacement man, and keep going as usual, but it doesn’t work that way.

If you are uncomfortable about moving into her boyfriends house, as if nothing happened, I think your instincts are correct. I would not move in with her, and I would keep her at arms length for a year, at least.
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Old 03-13-2018, 12:46 PM
 
Location: Somewhere in northern Alabama
16,851 posts, read 51,316,975 times
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As usual here, great advice above.

It can be helpful to break the various issues apart to examine them. As a partial list off the top of my head, I see the following:

1. Very short time between the death and establishment of the new relation with the possibilities of -
a. avoidance of grieving
b. lack of real connection with deceased "fiancee" - indicating possible future relationship issues
c. projection of animus (the personal internalization of the ideal male) onto you
d. fear - of being alone, etc.
e. inability to change "modes" and clinging to the old way of being via substitution of partner

2. Your concern of intruding on "territory" that still has the markings of the mate

3. Minimal time to sort out just who each of you are and if a relationship is a good fit

4. Lack of deep communication or simply not knowing what questions to ask so that you understand each other and your various concerns (some of which you may not even recognize yourself)

5. Mixing of roles of lover and grief counselor

From the point of view of psychological health, the primary concern would be one of her establishing a dependency upon you rather than a fair relationship that treats you as equals rather than using each other as "crutches."

The death of a partner does not always result in sexual celibacy for a period of time, but untangling emotions can be much easier if it does. You are treading in a minefield. The advice of keeping her at arm's length for a year is a safe way of avoiding some issues, but I think that open and HONEST communication (even if it hurts) may be another option if you are up for it. I also can see that individual counseling of the two of you by the same trusted counselor could help bring forth and deal with various issues. Although you have a relationship, you are not yet a couple, and couples counseling would be premature and counterproductive. The two of you may have productive time together and end up going your separate ways without rancor.

The flat fact is that some of us function better in the framework of a relationship, even if tenuous, than on our own with no one to share joy with. The sharing and giving of joy is one of the healthiest addictions that a person can have. That addiction does not often go away at the death of a partner, even when grief is extreme. It more typically gets expressed in volunteer work or working for a cause, but it also can seek out another close relationship to express.

What your friend is doing by entering into relationship quickly is not "wrong" but it can be dangerous or even counterproductive. As someone who is (hopefully) more grounded, you need to take a lead in guiding the connection carefully and gently. Part of love is wanting to do what is best for your partner, even if it hurts.

(This is just an overview, with some presuppositions. There are some situations where it doesn't hold, but those would best be examined by a paid professional and are too complex to discuss here.)
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Old 03-13-2018, 12:48 PM
 
5 posts, read 2,516 times
Reputation: 15
Oh I am not moving in with her..... not even in my head, I basically wanted to say the truth and hear peoples opinions on it. I feel the same way to be honest with you all... But I have fun with her and we have a lot of up coming plans, so I am trying to casual things up with out her noticing and let the cards fall where they may...
Thank you all
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Old 03-13-2018, 12:50 PM
 
5 posts, read 2,516 times
Reputation: 15
Quote:
Originally Posted by harry chickpea View Post
As usual here, great advice above.

It can be helpful to break the various issues apart to examine them. As a partial list off the top of my head, I see the following:

1. Very short time between the death and establishment of the new relation with the possibilities of -
a. avoidance of grieving
b. lack of real connection with deceased "fiancee" - indicating possible future relationship issues
c. projection of animus (the personal internalization of the ideal male) onto you
d. fear - of being alone, etc.
e. inability to change "modes" and clinging to the old way of being via substitution of partner

2. Your concern of intruding on "territory" that still has the markings of the mate

3. Minimal time to sort out just who each of you are and if a relationship is a good fit

4. Lack of deep communication or simply not knowing what questions to ask so that you understand each other and your various concerns (some of which you may not even recognize yourself)

5. Mixing of roles of lover and grief counselor

From the point of view of psychological health, the primary concern would be one of her establishing a dependency upon you rather than a fair relationship that treats you as equals rather than using each other as "crutches."

The death of a partner does not always result in sexual celibacy for a period of time, but untangling emotions can be much easier if it does. You are treading in a minefield. The advice of keeping her at arm's length for a year is a safe way of avoiding some issues, but I think that open and HONEST communication (even if it hurts) may be another option if you are up for it. I also can see that individual counseling of the two of you by the same trusted counselor could help bring forth and deal with various issues. Although you have a relationship, you are not yet a couple, and couples counseling would be premature and counterproductive. The two of you may have productive time together and end up going your separate ways without rancor.

The flat fact is that some of us function better in the framework of a relationship, even if tenuous, than on our own with no one to share joy with. The sharing and giving of joy is one of the healthiest addictions that a person can have. That addiction does not often go away at the death of a partner, even when grief is extreme. It more typically gets expressed in volunteer work or working for a cause, but it also can seek out another close relationship to express.

What your friend is doing by entering into relationship quickly is not "wrong" but it can be dangerous or even counterproductive. As someone who is (hopefully) more grounded, you need to take a lead in guiding the connection carefully and gently. Part of love is wanting to do what is best for your partner, even if it hurts.

(This is just an overview, with some presuppositions. There are some situations where it doesn't hold, but those would best be examined by a paid professional and are too complex to discuss here.)

Exactly !!!! Thank you
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Old 03-13-2018, 12:59 PM
 
15,831 posts, read 18,446,953 times
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Quote:
Originally Posted by buckdover72 View Post
Oh I am not moving in with her..... not even in my head, I basically wanted to say the truth and hear peoples opinions on it. I feel the same way to be honest with you all... But I have fun with her and we have a lot of up coming plans, so I am trying to casual things up with out her noticing and let the cards fall where they may...
Thank you all
It sounds like you are trying to bow out somewhat, which seems like a sound choice. Good luck and keep us posted.
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Old 03-13-2018, 01:25 PM
 
Location: Somewhere in America
12,305 posts, read 10,052,184 times
Reputation: 20460
Sounds like you need to have a heart to heart chat with her to let her know where you are in this relationship.
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