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I think I have a somewhat reduced capacity for expressing gratitude and feeling empathy but the fact that I recognize that trait in myself tells me that I am not wholly without that capacity. I know what it is but seem to look beyond it to some practical response like a problem-solving task. I have to remind myself to show gratitude and even attended a class recently on experiencing gratitude. Empathy is much the same and I fear that it is sort of mechanical or robotic when I try to express it.
That is interesting but isn't expressing gratitude pretty much a thank you? Or is it that you don't actually appreciate certain things that you feel you should? I guess I don't expect much so when someone is kind or generous or helpful I feel grateful and automatically express it, maybe too much sometimes.
Empathy/sympathy I think is more tricky I think, I know I have said the wrong thing a time or two.
I agree with most of your comment but have a qualification--
You make it sound like you either have one or the other---that if you are emotional you lack empathy--
I think maybe you misstated your concept...and meant they are independent traits--not tied to each other.
Yes, it was meant that the two traits (empathy and being emotional) are independent of one another. A person can be empathetic and their actions reflect this yet not be an emotional person. It would be less common to have a person be emotional and not empathetic. The two traits can be tied to each other but aren't always. Thanks for allowing me to clarify this.
I'm not the most empathetic person in the world, for a variety of reasons. 1.Many people cause their own problems by their own foolishness.
2. Everyone dies. No reason to be completely shocked. Death is constantly knipping at our heels.
Mostly I have empathy for children and handicapped. They often suffer because of the laziness or evil selfishness of others who should be caring for them.
I've mentioned this before; I have Asperger's syndrome. Among other things, that means empathy is very difficult for me. I often simply cannot understand, and may seem callous.
I haves some success with what I call 'situational empathy'.By that I mean I can often understand if I've experienced similar suffering;Eg I can empathise with say divorce, depression or the death of a parent.
I often don't understand the emotions behind some of the posts here.
My mom used to tell us that we need to tell people about how their actions have helped us, whenever possible. Over the years, I have written many letters to people thanking them for their kindness, their consideration, their help, and that people are often overwhelmingly grateful when you do this. Years ago, I had a boss who went out of her way to make my job flexible when we were raising my son. He had a rather atypical development, and she was always ready to change my schedule and my responsibilities to make it possible for me to do what I needed to do for him. After she retired, I wrote to her about how much this had meant to me, but also how great a person he grew up to be, and that her help was part of that. She wrote back to me tearfully, telling me how much it meant to her that she had been a positive force in his young life. Gratitude is among the most powerful of emotions. It can make "just enough" into "plenty," increase the love and caring in our lives. And somewhere at the bottom of gratitude is empathy, I think.
When I was a new mom, I read an article about "raising a moral child," and its premise was that morality is based in empathy. I think those who are not outwardly terribly emotive still may have the empathy to be moral people. But when there is no or very little empathy, that's often where morality is very thin.
Along the lines of being helpful by finding solutions, I find that often people who are grieving don't want solutions; they just want someone to stand by them. They want a listening, sympathetic ear. Solutions are better found by the grieving person than suggested by someone else. And we do find solutions when we are supported and loved. Sometimes "tell me more about that" is a better response than "why don't you do....."
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"I don't understand. But I don't care, so it works out."
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Originally Posted by G Grasshopper
My mom used to tell us that we need to tell people about how their actions have helped us, whenever possible. Over the years, I have written many letters to people thanking them for their kindness, their consideration, their help, and that people are often overwhelmingly grateful when you do this. Years ago, I had a boss who went out of her way to make my job flexible when we were raising my son. He had a rather atypical development, and she was always ready to change my schedule and my responsibilities to make it possible for me to do what I needed to do for him. After she retired, I wrote to her about how much this had meant to me, but also how great a person he grew up to be, and that her help was part of that. She wrote back to me tearfully, telling me how much it meant to her that she had been a positive force in his young life. Gratitude is among the most powerful of emotions. It can make "just enough" into "plenty," increase the love and caring in our lives. And somewhere at the bottom of gratitude is empathy, I think.
When I was a new mom, I read an article about "raising a moral child," and its premise was that morality is based in empathy. I think those who are not outwardly terribly emotive still may have the empathy to be moral people. But when there is no or very little empathy, that's often where morality is very thin.
Along the lines of being helpful by finding solutions, I find that often people who are grieving don't want solutions; they just want someone to stand by them. They want a listening, sympathetic ear. Solutions are better found by the grieving person than suggested by someone else. And we do find solutions when we are supported and loved. Sometimes "tell me more about that" is a better response than "why don't you do....."
What a lovely post. I completely agree. The times in my life where I've written a thank you note for someone who made a huge difference in my life, or my kid's life, has been so affirming.
Probably because the people who moved me to write such notes were absolutely fabulous people, who want to have left a positive trail.
"Along the lines of being helpful by finding solutions, I find that often people who are grieving don't want solutions; they just want someone to stand by them. They want a listening, sympathetic ear. Solutions are better found by the grieving person than suggested by someone else. And we do find solutions when we are supported and loved. Sometimes "tell me more about that" is a better response than "why don't you do....."
Indeed.
My mother's funeral is the Friday after easter.
Right now, the last thing I want is to have to do anything in terms of being around others. However, a good friend is coming around on Good Friday, fora light lunch and to just visit. I will appreciate just his company.
Your mother sounds like mine.An open, caring person, Mum always showed others her appreciation of them.Staff at her Nursing home were in tears when we told them mum was dying.
Just one example; At 18 I was working in another city,500 miles away.I was living in a boarding house. One week end I was seriously sunburned. Could barely move. My land lady was very kind, and looked after me. I thanked her of course. I also told mum in a letter home. Mum sent my land lady a nice card, with a lace handkerchief, expressing her appreciation of her kindness. My land lady was touched. Simple things can mean a lot; in my experience people hate to be taken for granted..
Your mother sounds like mine.An open, caring person, Mum always showed others her appreciation of them.Staff at her Nursing home were in tears when we told them mum was dying.
My mother was, indeed, a caring person. Another of her maxims was that we always had to tell her something good about a person before we could say anything critical.
Unfortunately, the last 5 years of her life were marred by dementia. Her empathy became thin and distorted, and she became lost and confused in another reality. She was occasionally angry, but mostly, she simply withdrew from reality and didn't understand things around her. I suppose because I spent a lot of time with her in those last years, as did my sister, both of us tend to think of her that way instead of the giving, kind person she was before her mind went. I have to purposefully think back to younger days to reclaim that, but I try to do that. She died in 2012.
My husband, on the other hand, remained himself throughout his brain cancer, and to his last days, looked at my son and me with loving eyes, and when he could speak, it was kind, and full of humor. He was grateful for life until it was gone.
CharlieC, I am sorry that you have lost your mom. I do remember wanting nothing to do with getting out into "public" and dealing with people. At the same time, there are always a few precious people who will be there to listen and lend you their strength when you most need it. Treasure those people. I hope you have many loving memories of your mom.
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