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Old 03-30-2018, 08:25 PM
 
7,031 posts, read 3,744,270 times
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Hi folks, I'm hoping to get some advice.

A year ago, the 27 year old daughter of my dearest friend committed suicide. Needless to say, my friend and his wife and their other daughter have had a very tough year. The anniversary is coming up, and I was thinking of sending flowers to the family to let them know that I am remembering her and also thinking of them. But, I am worried that it might be inappropriate to do so. So, I would really appreciate feedback on this -- would this be inappropriate? Would it be better just to send a card? I will, of course, also call them on that date (we live on opposite ends of the country so being there isn't an option). But, I just felt like doing something a little more to let them know I'm there in spirit would be nice. I guess my concern is that it might seem odd to mark such a sad day with flowers. As an aside, they are Jewish and will be holding an unveiling ceremony for her headstone in the cemetery that day.

Appreciate all thoughts and feedback. Thanks!
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Old 03-30-2018, 10:26 PM
 
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Personally, I would not send flowers, but would send a hand written card. I think it is really nice of you to remember your friends' loss a year later. Letting them know that you are thinking of them is a kind and meaningful gesture. I have nothing against flowers, but something written from your heart would be more personal.
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Old 03-30-2018, 11:26 PM
 
Location: Somewhere in northern Alabama
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I wouldn't do flowers. Tradition (which may or may not be followed) is of placing a small pebble on the grave with the left hand, to indicate you have passed there and made remembrance. IF you knew the daughter well and IF she lived in an area near you and IF you check it out with your friend, a pebble from a favorite spot of hers might be appropriate. Ask first and send an accompanying note. Otherwise, a card or small donation to a charity would be appropriate.
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Old 03-30-2018, 11:27 PM
 
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I think sending flowers would help with the pain somewhat...... Flowers and a letter
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Old 03-30-2018, 11:46 PM
 
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Thank you everyone. I was there for the funeral and sat Shiva with the family for the entire week, so I feel that it is appropriate to do something more than just call. Unfortunately, I'm not able to be there in person.

Harry, you actually gave me an idea. This beautiful young woman had a deep love for trees. So, I think what I will do is see if I can arrange to have a small evergreen tree of some kind delivered to the family so that they can plant it in their yard as a remembrance if they would like to do so. I hadn't thought of that, but your mention of a pebble from a place she loved jogged it into my mind. That will be more personal than flowers and also give the family something that will be lasting if they decide to plant it. I've already found a few possibilities online.

My worry with flowers is that I know after my parents died, flowers triggered memories of the days before and after the funeral. But, a small tree or plant may be perfect. An alternate would be to donate trees to a national forest in her name, but since I can't be there in person, I'd like to send something physical if possible.

I will, of course, also write a card and call.

Thank you all for the feedback and advice -- it really helped!

Last edited by RosieSD; 03-31-2018 at 12:08 AM..
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Old 03-31-2018, 12:08 AM
 
Location: Somewhere in northern Alabama
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That sounds lovely and very appropriate.
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Old 03-31-2018, 11:43 AM
 
Location: Nantahala National Forest, NC
17,356 posts, read 3,528,493 times
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Quote:
Originally Posted by RosieSD View Post
Thank you everyone. I was there for the funeral and sat Shiva with the family for the entire week, so I feel that it is appropriate to do something more than just call. Unfortunately, I'm not able to be there in person.

Harry, you actually gave me an idea. This beautiful young woman had a deep love for trees. So, I think what I will do is see if I can arrange to have a small evergreen tree of some kind delivered to the family so that they can plant it in their yard as a remembrance if they would like to do so. I hadn't thought of that, but your mention of a pebble from a place she loved jogged it into my mind. That will be more personal than flowers and also give the family something that will be lasting if they decide to plant it. I've already found a few possibilities online.

My worry with flowers is that I know after my parents died, flowers triggered memories of the days before and after the funeral. But, a small tree or plant may be perfect. An alternate would be to donate trees to a national forest in her name, but since I can't be there in person, I'd like to send something physical if possible.

I will, of course, also write a card and call.

Thank you all for the feedback and advice -- it really helped!

Good idea, more appropriate than flowers, I think.
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Old 04-03-2018, 08:58 AM
 
Location: Boonies of N. Alabama
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Personally, I think that any effort on your part to let them know you are thinking of them and their loss would be appreciated.
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Old 04-03-2018, 07:21 PM
 
Location: Bloomington IN
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I think your tree idea is lovely. When my young nephew passed, we purchased a small evergreen from all of the cousins instead of flowers. He had a very special love for trees and found them calming. His parents and siblings planted it in the backyard so they could see it outside the kitchen and dining room windows. A few of their friends had a special bench made, placed it near the tree, and planted a small flower garden in the area. It's a lovely little area and my sister sits out there when she's feeling particularly down.

Seeing the tree this week while at their home, I was amazed by it's growth but reminded of my dear nephew.
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Old 04-06-2018, 11:18 PM
 
Location: Mid-Atlantic
22,701 posts, read 21,741,083 times
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I like the tree idea, too. I wouldn't have sent flowers.
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