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Old 04-13-2018, 02:53 PM
 
2,382 posts, read 6,075,640 times
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We lost our son,age 30 to a brain tumor,he suffered for five months with stage 4,he was successful in life and he said to us,life is for the living.
He passed on in April 14,1990,it is forever with you,I am 85.

 
Old 04-13-2018, 03:49 PM
 
426 posts, read 144,476 times
Reputation: 1349
Quote:
Originally Posted by bluemonday View Post
Everyone has their own grief timetable and different in how they get over death, probably in line with how much it has impacted their lives. And some people are lucky enough to have their passed love ones visit them in their dreams. This has done so much for healing as anything else. Make sure you are getting deep enough sleep to see your loved ones in your dreams again! I can not stress this enough!

I had an interesting dream the other night where my Mom was able to hug me and congratulate me about my unborn child, and then she was passing again. I saw her die again, this time it was different. It gave me some level of closure. It was such a relief to have that, and on some levels it was/seemed real, it was healing! It was my way of visiting her in the after life and telling her she is going to be a Gramma.

OP, I realize that you are a HOSPICE nurse and have seen a lot. My dad died in a hospice. All those nurses talked a lot, but had nothing real to say, just pre-programmed, unfeeling drones trying to get their shift over with. The moment a volunteer came by to visit us, it was like night and day difference. I felt the love, and felt the empathy, and it was so real! I am just saying you may be too ingrained in the day to day of your profession, and are unable to feel as much empathy for others as you used to. Moderator cut: point was made
Do you think that an ICU nurse who takes care of a person for days, weeks or even months through all their ups and downs does not get attached to the person and their family? Of course we do. Sometime, we ask for a different assignment for a while to take a break because it is getting to us. I have learned amazing things from hospice nurses. Medications, different routes they can be given you would not have thought of, ways to tell if non verbal semicomatose people are suffering, ways to clear them of secretions simply by using gravity. Then, I became a hospice nurse. I am certainly no hard guy (girl). I have been honored to be present when people have died, and to help the family in this difficult transition. I have been fortunate to be present at births also. This is what I have noticed. When a human being is born and takes their first breath, or when a person dies and takes their last breath and lets it go, it is like an invisible door opens and then closes.

Last edited by BlackberryMerlot; 04-13-2018 at 04:01 PM..
 
Old 04-15-2018, 01:38 PM
 
8,218 posts, read 8,498,682 times
Reputation: 10182
Quote:
Originally Posted by Cida View Post
I agree. That has become almost a personal sub-forum. And since the goal is really to try to move past a death - indeed, isn't that what our loved ones would want, for us to go on and make a happier life for ourselves? - I think to endlessly return to the same death thread is neither helpful nor healthy.
I wanted to make an addendum here. I want to make it clear that the disturbing part is that the "Life Alone Now" thread has gone on for years, that it's specifically for one poster, and that the poster does not appear to participate in any other forum here. It gives the appearance of a public parade in grief to reap the continuing rewards of eliciting sympathy - from total strangers.

As VillageLife said, anyone has a right to start a thread. But forums are mostly for general discussions, and this seems to be something that would merit a personal website with its own blog. Except then there wouldn't be a built-in audience. In real life, we are not expected to publicly grieve, year after year about our loss, even though we grieve privately. We're expected to try to pick up the pieces, try counseling if necessary, and we hope for support from friends and relatives in real life, not internet strangers.

As I said, I believe that although our grief honors our loved ones after their death, they would never want us to go on endlessly like that.
 
Old 04-15-2018, 03:20 PM
 
Location: Somewhere in northern Alabama
16,845 posts, read 51,301,408 times
Reputation: 27662
Quote:
Originally Posted by Cida View Post
I wanted to make an addendum here. I want to make it clear that the disturbing part is that the "Life Alone Now" thread has gone on for years, that it's specifically for one poster, and that the poster does not appear to participate in any other forum here. It gives the appearance of a public parade in grief to reap the continuing rewards of eliciting sympathy - from total strangers.

As VillageLife said, anyone has a right to start a thread. But forums are mostly for general discussions, and this seems to be something that would merit a personal website with its own blog. Except then there wouldn't be a built-in audience. In real life, we are not expected to publicly grieve, year after year about our loss, even though we grieve privately. We're expected to try to pick up the pieces, try counseling if necessary, and we hope for support from friends and relatives in real life, not internet strangers.

As I said, I believe that although our grief honors our loved ones after their death, they would never want us to go on endlessly like that.
I've been on forums since the days of Compuserve, before Mozilla and the general internet. I've been on the wild west of usenet. If any of you were born later than the early 1980s, I've been online longer than you have been alive. What you are politely intimating is what we used to call "drama queens." There were a few egregious ones in the past where I found it necessary to personally lead some pretty strong "attitude readjustment" sessions because of narcissistic and manipulative behavior that adversely affected the groups I frequented..

The thread in question is neither manipulative nor narcissistic. While unusual in format for a forum, it is one of the best examples I have seen on how to build and maintain supportive relationships, which is something that many people who have lost a loved one simply don't know how to do. If it were elsewhere, or was a blog, or worse yet was static and not continuing, it would lose its value. While the core of the thread may revolve around a limited number of individuals, it is a valuable teaching tool and one that anyone can join into or leave at any point.

Public grief vs. private grief, and "expectations." The social interdiction on extended public grief is primarily one to allow those affected, even peripherally, to continue on with life and to function fully. That means, if for ten years the first words out of your mouth in any conversation are "I miss my spouse," there is a problem that negatively affects not only the person grieving, but others. However... Queen Victoria wore black after her husband's death - for the rest of her life. It was a public form of grieving that was out of the ordinary, where people understood that she was both continuing to grieve and functional. What she did was not within social expectations.

I think, at the core of your post, you are concerned for the welfare of others. I would hate to think that your issues were because a thread that continues to provide support offends your sense of social propriety or expectations.
 
Old 04-15-2018, 06:36 PM
 
Location: Somewhere in northern Alabama
16,845 posts, read 51,301,408 times
Reputation: 27662
Time to close this thread. Thanks to all who contributed, your concerns are valid concerns in my estimation, and the members who contribute to the thread in question must ask themselves those questions on an ongoing basis. This subforum is all about support, in whatever form we can offer it. We may differ in how we feel support is best offered, but we all have that basic goal in common. I am in awe of the caring that is expressed here.
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