U.S. CitiesCity-Data Forum Index
Go Back   City-Data Forum > General Forums > Grief and Mourning
 [Register]
Please register to participate in our discussions with 2 million other members - it's free and quick! Some forums can only be seen by registered members. After you create your account, you'll be able to customize options and access all our 15,000 new posts/day with fewer ads.
View detailed profile (Advanced) or search
site with Google Custom Search

Search Forums  (Advanced)
Reply Start New Thread
 
Old 04-23-2018, 08:22 AM
 
626 posts, read 606,500 times
Reputation: 688

Advertisements

So don't get out of bed. The advice others give here is well meaning but you have to live your life as you see fit for you. If you are sad, depressed, unhappy. Be all of those things until you feel better or until those feelings subside.
Reply With Quote Quick reply to this message

 
Old 04-23-2018, 08:22 AM
 
Location: California
4,372 posts, read 4,993,490 times
Reputation: 8930
While you are learning to cook, make a lunch for someone in need and take it to them. Giving to others, even when you feel empty, is the best way to fill up your cup.
Reply With Quote Quick reply to this message
 
Old 04-23-2018, 09:57 AM
 
Location: Mount Airy, Maryland
8,695 posts, read 4,799,129 times
Reputation: 13106
Everyone grieves differently and there is no right way. What you are going through is perfectly natural, take as long as you need. You know this but I'll say it again, it gets better. Time is a wonderful healer.

There will always be a hole in your heart that will never be completely filled. But it should not prevent you from recovering to the extent that you can begin to live life again. You know that's what she would have wanted for you. But all in time, in the meantime I agree that posting here may provide you some comfort so feel free.

Good luck my friend.
Reply With Quote Quick reply to this message
 
Old 04-23-2018, 10:04 AM
 
Location: Hoping to settle down.
20,806 posts, read 17,596,435 times
Reputation: 18071
I am very sorry to hear of your loss, eric. 4 months is nothing in time of grieving. I can relate to you not wanting to get out of bed, having physical limitations, not many, if any, people to talk to. I do believe in "happy pills" for depression and if you have a family doctor, go talk to him/her about your depression. You are clearly suffering from it. Pills are not a magical cure but can take the edge off it, letting you at least get out of bed even if just to take nourishment. Even after 6 years I rarely get out of pajamas. I go to drive-thrus a lot. I get dressed once a week, go shopping and then it's back to pjs. I know, not a good lifestyle to most but it suits me fine and that is who I answer to....me. Maybe you should try going back to your house, let it all out, cry, scream, throw stuff, go to bed and then think about getting some medication and then if you feel like it either find an irl group, or come here. Another thing I can recommend is prayer, if you believe.

I wish you the best in your time of sorrow.
Reply With Quote Quick reply to this message
 
Old 04-23-2018, 10:09 AM
 
Location: planet earth
1,677 posts, read 592,473 times
Reputation: 4072
Try to find something that you like to do every day, even if it's just to sit in the sun for a few minutes, take a walk, get breakfast or coffee out, etc.

Attending to your health (by taking care of your environment - keeping it clean and beautiful), eating healthy, drinking clean/fresh water, etc. All of these seemingly little things can help you feel better.

I know you said you don't want to go back to your house, but I think you "should" force yourself to - take care of business, clean up, and in the process, deal with your feelings - cry, grieve, and take care of yourself in every moment.

I doubt your wife would want to know you are suffering so severely.
Reply With Quote Quick reply to this message
 
Old 04-23-2018, 12:18 PM
'M'
 
Location: Glendale Country Club
1,761 posts, read 2,446,699 times
Reputation: 2426
Quote:
Originally Posted by G Grasshopper View Post
I'm very sorry about your loss. As Harry said, many of us are familiar with the loss of a beloved spouse after a whole lifetime together. I do so understand having no interest in eating, wanting to just stay in bed, feeling as though there is nothing left. I know it is hard to believe, but things can gradually get better. You are just 4 months out from a devastating loss, so I encourage having patience with yourself, but also taking care of yourself. Do try to eat some healthy food. I would also encourage you to take a walk, if you can, every day. Being outside in nature is truly helpful. It is spring now, and I don't know where you live, but in many places, there are encouraging signs of new life. Even just sitting outside, getting a little sun and some of the sights and sounds of spring is good for the soul. Just get out a little, then if you want, go back and rest. It takes time.
Excellent suggestion. Nature heals.
Reply With Quote Quick reply to this message
 
Old 04-23-2018, 12:20 PM
'M'
 
Location: Glendale Country Club
1,761 posts, read 2,446,699 times
Reputation: 2426
Quote:
Originally Posted by Heidi60 View Post
While you are learning to cook, make a lunch for someone in need and take it to them. Giving to others, even when you feel empty, is the best way to fill up your cup.
Excellent suggestion, if he can be up and around, too.
Reply With Quote Quick reply to this message
 
Old 04-23-2018, 12:25 PM
 
Location: Somewhere in northern Alabama
16,500 posts, read 49,861,957 times
Reputation: 26515
Quote:
Originally Posted by eric johns View Post
She died on Xmas, her birthday. She didnít want a memorial service. I called the people we knew, but there werenít that many of them anymore.

I try to stay busy, like learning to cook, but Iím not really hungry these days, so that isnít much help.
You and I have some things in common. My wife died the day after Xmas in 2015. She too didn't want a memorial service.

OTOH, I can cook easily and rarely follow recipes, coming up with dishes that get raves just by pulling ideas out of thin air. In my experience, cooking is much more fun when you share the result with one or two other people, and time together in a kitchen before a meal allows social contact without pressure or awkward silences. You might use your learning to cook as a way of asking people to critique a few dishes you cook and have gentle interaction.

Are there activities you like to do, or have enjoyed in the past and might want to resume? Is there someone or some cause that you can help in some limited fashion that also allows you space? Is there a particular TV series that can transport you, even for a few minutes, out of your immediate situation? They don't call it "escapist" entertainment for nothing.

Being open at this time might seem scary, but it does help. If you aren't ready for that or don't want to, you might want to read some of the threads here to get a sense of what has gone on for others, and a safe way for you to get some information that could help you.
Reply With Quote Quick reply to this message
 
Old 04-23-2018, 12:28 PM
'M'
 
Location: Glendale Country Club
1,761 posts, read 2,446,699 times
Reputation: 2426
eric johns - I am so sorry for the loss of your wife. Time does heal. Lots of kind, caring, excellent suggestions here.

Try doing only one baby step every day toward loving yourself, being kinder to yourself, and honoring something that was special about your wife. What would she want you to be doing about your situation? Losing a beloved spouse is one of the most difficult changes in our lives.

Even if you.... get out of bed, walk over to a nice window and spend a few minutes appreciating nature. Or open the front door and stand on the threshold for a few minutes, taking in nature. Make a simple appreciation list of 3 items every day....for me, today, my simple list might be something like this: !) appreciate the sunshine today 2) sure do appreciate my pillow 3) appreciate resting on my bed.

Try the 3 item appreciation list, and if you can only think of one thing. Do that. Tomorrow will be another day. Remember that each and every day presents an opportunity for a new beginning.

Another thing worth trying when you're ready: Paying it forward. Do something kind for someone else, but do it without them knowing you did it. I love doing this...don't do it a lot, but once in a while I do. I would rather people not know it was me...truly. I used to do it at work...I would be really sneaky so no one saw me do it. It was fun to see the look on a co-worker's face when they noticed it. And I could just be an observer. I wasn't looking for a big production, I just wanted to feel the feelings of delight, doing something for another person, that I knew they would like. Figure out how you can do this in your own way...maybe for one of your current neighbors, or even for a neighborhood pet that walks through the yard. Leave a treat for that pet in a little dish.

Keep in touch with this group on City-Data Forum. We are a caring bunch. I appreciate the effort it took for you to make this post!
{{ HUGS }}

Last edited by 'M'; 04-23-2018 at 12:49 PM..
Reply With Quote Quick reply to this message
 
Old 04-23-2018, 12:32 PM
 
Location: Dallas, TX and Las Vegas, NV
4,805 posts, read 3,477,021 times
Reputation: 9298
I was widowed many years ago. I went online after being like you for quite a while and found a grief support group at a local church. I went to every meeting for the 6-week session. It was a huge help. Not a miracle but got me moving in a new direction and interacting with others going through the same experience. It also helped me sort through a lot of my thoughts and feelings about losing my husband.

You are still alive and there are offerings in this world for you. Each day, if you take a deliberate step to gain freedom from grief, will bring you closer to finding peace and a meaningful life.

P.S. Your local animal shelter can always use volunteers!
Reply With Quote Quick reply to this message
Please register to post and access all features of our very popular forum. It is free and quick. Over $68,000 in prizes has already been given out to active posters on our forum. Additional giveaways are planned.

Detailed information about all U.S. cities, counties, and zip codes on our site: City-data.com.


Reply
Please update this thread with any new information or opinions. This open thread is still read by thousands of people, so we encourage all additional points of view.

Quick Reply
Message:

Over $104,000 in prizes was already given out to active posters on our forum and additional giveaways are planned!

Go Back   City-Data Forum > General Forums > Grief and Mourning
Follow City-Data.com founder on our Forum or

All times are GMT -6.

© 2005-2017, Advameg, Inc.

City-Data.com - Archive 1, 2, 3, 4, 5, 6, 7, 8, 9, 10, 11, 12, 13, 14, 15, 16, 17, 18, 19, 20, 21, 22, 23, 24, 25, 26, 27, 28, 29, 30, 31, 32 - Top