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Old 04-23-2018, 01:59 PM
 
155 posts, read 37,680 times
Reputation: 105

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it's hard to imagine everyday life after a loved one dies. the usual routines are gone. it's vital to have a relationship that's been so much a part of your life, etc.
i lost my fiance and parent within months of each other. Ouch!
thinking of the lovely things they did with you that they would wish you would still enjoy seems to help.
grieving takes time. changes take time. self-respect in taking your time with changes. self-care, even in little ways can help.
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Old 04-23-2018, 03:06 PM
 
Location: Nantahala National Forest, NC
11,112 posts, read 2,137,774 times
Reputation: 16892
OP, very sorry you lost your wife. Hope in the coming months you can begin the long healing process. Right now is just for grief and acceptance....

Yes, stay in bed until you feel differently....but not permanently. Basic chores and rest are all you need to do...sometimes not even that until you feel a tad better. Try to eat decent meals, take long hot showers.

Likely you are enduring some depression from such a shock. Wouldn't hurt to review some of the depression threads, for basic info. I too can't get out of bed some days for differing reasons, so I am aware how it feels...
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Old 04-23-2018, 03:18 PM
 
34 posts, read 40,613 times
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I am sorry for your loss. You are feeling sorry for yourself and must find a way out.

Join a support group and force yourself to go. If it is a 12 step group they will talk about how you must do for others to get out of yourself. But most importantly you will see that you are not the only one. There are others just like you. You will reconnect with people and your perspective will change.

Its real it works but you must do it yourself after an appropriate time of grieving.
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Old 04-23-2018, 03:53 PM
 
5,654 posts, read 12,551,170 times
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So sorry for your loss. I lost my husband 10 months ago and I understand your struggles. I have had to take tiny steps and at times live from hour to hour. I know you mentioned you don't have any pets, but my dog has been my lifeline. I was forced to get out of bed, let her out, and feed her. I am blessed that she is a certified therapy dog so she sits right next to me and petting her soothes my anxiety. We did everything together, we worked together, traveled the world and spent 24/7 after early retirement. I was totally lost. I forced myself to go to the senior center, where I talked to people, took part in some activities and volunteered. Trust me that was so difficult walking into an unknown place without him by my side, guiding me and encouraging me. I talk to neighbors when I walk the dog and if I take her into town and walk the main street, people stop and talk, as it seems the dog is a magnet for people. The libraries offer programs where you can get out. There are grief groups also, although for me I found it was difficult to move on by attending them. Since my dog is a therapy dog, we have visited schools, hospitals, etc. It is very difficult to take those first steps and I found it is important to have a small plan for the next day which gives me a reason to get up. The first step is the hardest but I know my husband would want me to continue living.
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Old 04-23-2018, 04:02 PM
 
Location: Ft. Myers
14,388 posts, read 8,886,018 times
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Like everyone else on here, I am very sad to hear this. I can only begin to imagine what you are feeling.

One thing I might suggest, seek some professional help or a group. When I was going through my divorce I was a mess, acting like some idiot I didn't even know. My company had a program where they would pay for 3 visits with a therapist, so I went. It was the best thing I ever did. After the 3rd visit things began to make sense to me again, and I started to see a change in myself.

Please seek out someone or a group in your area, it will help, believe me.
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Old 04-23-2018, 05:00 PM
 
444 posts, read 431,975 times
Reputation: 621
So very sorry for your loss. How blessed you are to have the memories of someone that meant so much to you. You can talk to us about her here if you need to. Hang on to those memories. Some days breathing is all we can do. Everything else is too much effort.

When you do feel like getting out of that bed I suggest what others have here. Do something for others. Bake cookies for neighborhood kids. Fix dinner for a working mom or an elderly neighbor. Doing for others will help YOU the more than them.

You might look at a local church that has programs for the grieving. Or groups that meet for other reason that are not religious in nature. Libraries, schools and hospitals are always looking for volunteers. Even if just an hour a week.

Hugs to you Eric. Know that others have been right where you are now and are doing better. It is a slow process and we all need to help each other.
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Old 04-23-2018, 05:59 PM
 
364 posts, read 156,401 times
Reputation: 711
Op, I am so sorry for your loss. After the death of my marriage (divorce) of 23 years I can tell you what helped me the most was moving far away from my ex husband and carving out a new life ,which I am currently doing. You lay in bed as long as you feel necessary . You suffered a huge loss , I am still reeling from my divorce after 2 years . You will get thru this , take care.
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Old 04-23-2018, 06:58 PM
 
Location: Alexandria, VA, USA
872 posts, read 431,460 times
Reputation: 1928
Quote:
Originally Posted by little pink View Post
Op, I am so sorry for your loss. After the death of my marriage (divorce) of 23 years I can tell you what helped me the most was moving far away from my ex husband and carving out a new life ,which I am currently doing. You lay in bed as long as you feel necessary . You suffered a huge loss , I am still reeling from my divorce after 2 years . You will get thru this , take care.
This is a good point. Why not relocate to somewhere different, where you will not have memories?
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Old 04-23-2018, 07:46 PM
 
1,906 posts, read 1,390,079 times
Reputation: 4140
Quote:
Originally Posted by nobodysbusiness View Post
...

I doubt your wife would want to know you are suffering so severely.
^ ^ THIS !! Probably the truest and most important statement.

Lots of good feedback and suggestions from the C-D community. Let's hope the OP reaches out and gets some help.
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Old 04-23-2018, 08:43 PM
 
Location: 76102
2,983 posts, read 1,292,562 times
Reputation: 8786
Quote:
Originally Posted by eric johns View Post
I donít have any reason to get up. It was just us, no kids. No family. We used to have friends, but not anymore, they died or moved. Our pets died, I donít want another pet, I canít go through that. Iím retired, have physical problems so finding a job would be hard.

Iím staying with a former coworker now, but itís just because I donít want to go back to my place and deal with packing and moving. He can use the money that I pay in rent, but he isnít really someone I confide in, heís a loner and keeps to himself. His wife left him awhile back

Iím not religious so church would not help.

Really, I donít have a reason to get out of bed and I spend more time there each week that goes by.

Is anyone else going through this.
Hey, let's run off together and buy a house in Florida at the Villages. Just kidding of course. So MAKE A CHANGE in your life. Dang, a single fellow at TV would be a popular guy. Women outnumber men 5 to 1!!
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