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Old 04-24-2018, 08:58 AM
 
25,141 posts, read 22,996,000 times
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Quote:
Originally Posted by tamiznluv View Post
Absolutely true, creme. Sometimes those groups do more harm than good. In my time of need, there were no groups to be found except up in the cities and I was not going to drive to them. This forum was new so I read every single thread, every single post before I jumped in.

What a God-send this place was. I never did seek out any groups irl after posting here. Then, when I became suicidal, those members kept me alive until it passed and my doc upped my happy pills slightly. I had had to start on low dosage pills after the death of my father 8 years earlier. Between talking here and my meds, the dark thoughts faded and doc lowered my dosage again. Though my grieve did not take "an appropriate time " and, as I said, I like staying in my pjs, I am okay. I try to "pay it forward" in here from time to time. "Experience is the greatest teacher."

Eric will be fine in time. Most of us do get there even though in the beginning we can't imagine that. Time may not "heal" but it "soothes".

Good post, Harry, I was SMH reading the post you replied to.
wish I could rep you again, but you know the drill.....

hope you don't mind me sending hugs....and thank you's for this lovely post to Eric....
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Old 04-24-2018, 09:00 AM
 
Location: SWFL
21,062 posts, read 17,917,378 times
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Quote:
Originally Posted by cremebrulee View Post
wish I could rep you again, but you know the drill.....

hope you don't mind me sending hugs....and thank you's for this lovely post to Eric....
Thank you, my pleasure.
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Old 04-24-2018, 09:23 AM
 
Location: California
4,434 posts, read 5,109,885 times
Reputation: 9121
Desiderata
GO PLACIDLY amid the noise and the haste, and remember what peace there may be in silence. As far as possible, without surrender, be on good terms with all persons.

Speak your truth quietly and clearly; and listen to others, even to the dull and the ignorant; they too have their story.

Avoid loud and aggressive persons; they are vexatious to the spirit. If you compare yourself with others, you may become vain or bitter, for always there will be greater and lesser persons than yourself.

Enjoy your achievements as well as your plans. Keep interested in your own career, however humble; it is a real possession in the changing fortunes of time.

Exercise caution in your business affairs, for the world is full of trickery. But let this not blind you to what virtue there is; many persons strive for high ideals, and everywhere life is full of heroism.

Be yourself. Especially do not feign affection. Neither be cynical about love; for in the face of all aridity and disenchantment, it is as perennial as the grass.

Take kindly the counsel of the years, gracefully surrendering the things of youth.

Nurture strength of spirit to shield you in sudden misfortune. But do not distress yourself with dark imaginings. Many fears are born of fatigue and loneliness.

Beyond a wholesome discipline, be gentle with yourself. You are a child of the universe no less than the trees and the stars; you have a right to be here.

And whether or not it is clear to you, no doubt the universe is unfolding as it should. Therefore be at peace with God, whatever you conceive Him to be. And whatever your labors and aspirations, in the noisy confusion of life, keep peace in your soul. With all its sham, drudgery and broken dreams, it is still a beautiful world. Be cheerful. Strive to be happy.

By Max Ehrmann © 1927
Original text
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Old 04-24-2018, 09:41 AM
 
Location: Raleigh
8,002 posts, read 5,173,765 times
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Spend more time indoors alone on CD and Facebook. That should help.
Heck, it's Spring, just go sit out on the porch.
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Old 04-24-2018, 10:02 AM
 
1,348 posts, read 396,983 times
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Eric -- I am very sorry for the loss of your wife. You are grieving and it will take time. All of the suggestions here are good! My favorite, to start with, is the idea of taking a walk [if you are able to]. And since you have been in bed quite a bit yourself, don't over-do it at first, you need to start with a short walk and build your strength up. And you can take a walk a couple of times a day! I like the idea of feeding the birds, too.

You say "no" to a new dog. And that is okay. But it doesn't hurt to go over to the local shelter and take a look around at the pets needing a home. What about being a "Foster parent"? Or doing some volunteer work at the shelter?

Another suggestion, that people don't think about too often - a jigsaw puzzle! You can work it a little bit at a time, or work on it for hours. We have my Special Needs brother living with us, he loves the, and there is always a jigsaw puzzle on the dining room table.

It is Spring now. If you are able to, maybe move back home, or at least visit for a couple of days, and get started on the spring yard clean-up. A little bit at a time!

And , Eric, keep checking in here at City-Data. There is a nice group of people here to converse with. Take care -- Hollyhock
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Old 04-24-2018, 06:25 PM
 
Location: Dfw
324 posts, read 88,336 times
Reputation: 340
Very sorry for your loss. The one thing that struck me about your post OP is - and dont take this the wrong way- but how much her passing hit you and I only wish is that every married couple gets this affected by their spouse passing, and how close you were together...
It's important for you to get out there like others have said. Start with something small...sit outside, go to a library or park. Just leisurely walk around, little by little...
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Old 04-25-2018, 02:45 AM
 
Location: Glasgow Scotland
14,328 posts, read 11,258,609 times
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Quote:
Originally Posted by Crashj007 View Post
Spend more time indoors alone on CD and Facebook. That should help.
Heck, it's Spring, just go sit out on the porch.
easier said than done..... takes time.. its hard to see and experience beauty when theres a cloud over you....some get over things quicker than others. some have loved deeper than others were all different.. respect that. talking to others is good... fresh air is good, but its all quite raw yet....
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Old 04-25-2018, 11:23 AM
 
25,141 posts, read 22,996,000 times
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Quote:
Originally Posted by Ginger34 View Post
Very sorry for your loss. The one thing that struck me about your post OP is - and dont take this the wrong way- but how much her passing hit you and I only wish is that every married couple gets this affected by their spouse passing, and how close you were together...
It's important for you to get out there like others have said. Start with something small...sit outside, go to a library or park. Just leisurely walk around, little by little...
Hi Ginger,
every single couple is different, and every person is different, some take a loss like this, really hard, others do not...and yet, others expect it, with a long term illness...however, this is the problem....it is wonderful to be close, but not dependent on each other to the point that, that other person is their only happiness. It could be very unhealthy....

It depends a lot on how much one depends on their spouse...for everyday chores, and taking care of the house and bills, even for small things, like waking them up in the morning, getting up and making the coffee...etc...

Some people miss taking care of their spouse, as it becomes their whole purpose in life...and all of a sudden that purpose is taken away.

I know women who lose their spouses and never wrote a check in their life....
other's whose husbands always put gas in their cars

Men whose wives did all the cooking and cleaning for them...

they've been with each other so long, that it's very difficult for some of them to think about life without each other, which isn't healthy....which is why I always advise couples to share the chores, teach each other what the other one does, so that is someone gets sick or even worse, one passes on, that they can accomplish said tasks....which could be overwhelming if they've never done it before.

does any of this make sense?
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Old 04-25-2018, 05:11 PM
 
Location: Alexandria, VA, USA
886 posts, read 454,831 times
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Quote:
Originally Posted by G Grasshopper View Post
Relocation is a possibility, but remember that Eric is only 4 months post-loss. Moving is a terrific amount of work, and it is emotionally wrenching when you have to go through all the possessions of your lost spouse, deciding what to do with items that are loaded with meaning. I moved one year after my husband died, and it was extremely stressful. When we were a couple, somehow all the work was divided up and we shared both decisions and burdens. It was so overwhelming and so emotionally exhausting for me to have to make a million decisions by myself, from when to sell the house, who to hire to paint, what to do with my husband's shoes, what furniture, kitchenware, keepsakes, tools, etc., to take and what to get rid of, etc. I don't discourage moving, but it is certainly nothing to take lightly.

I have heard it repeated many times that you should not make big decisions for a year after a big loss. I'm not sure that has to be strictly adhered to, but the idea is that we make better decisions when we are not totally lost in grief. Better to wait until there is a glimmer of hope on the horizon before making decisions about the future.
Having moved three plus years ago, I can relate to that! Good points...
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Old 04-25-2018, 06:20 PM
 
764 posts, read 44,783 times
Reputation: 474
I have been reading everything that people have said here, about 3 or 4 times over, and taking everything to heart. I have never gone on the internet before with a problem, so I appreciate people trying to help me.

Thank you everybody. I am at least trying to get out of bed and go outside. After many years of getting up and going to work no matter what the weather, ect., it feels strange, but also safe to stay in bed. But I know that it is not normal but its hard to figure out how to spend my time without my wife, and not knowing how many years will go by without her, or if I will ever see her again.

Thank you to tamizinluv. I’m grateful that you told me that you have this problem also.
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