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Old 04-25-2018, 08:04 PM
 
Location: Mid-Atlantic
22,392 posts, read 21,422,791 times
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Year #8 and I'm still trying to to figure it out. Yes, get up and go outside. Shower, eat something good, grocery shop. Wear clean clothes and comb your hair and shave. Brush your teeth. Your wife would want you to do that.
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Old 04-25-2018, 10:36 PM
 
3,921 posts, read 5,199,495 times
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Quote:
Originally Posted by eric johns View Post
Thank you everybody. I am at least trying to get out of bed and go outside. After many years of getting up and going to work no matter what the weather, ect., it feels strange, but also safe to stay in bed. But I know that it is not normal but its hard to figure out how to spend my time without my wife, and not knowing how many years will go by without her, or if I will ever see her again.
Eric, I know that lots of people will relate to the problem of figuring out how to spend your time without your wife. As I mentioned earlier, I am three years after my loss, and I feel like I am still trying to figure out how to live my life without my husband. It is a slow process. In a way, you have to figure out what YOU want to do, not as part of a couple, but on your own. It is a tall order, considering that many of us have spent our whole adult lives with the other half of our couple. For several months, I even had a hard time figuring out what I liked to eat. My tastes were so shaped by what we enjoyed together. I experienced quite a bit of confusion early on. But in the long view, you just have to be really patient about letting this new chapter of your life slowly develop. Some things just can't be rushed.

I know what you mean about the years without your wife. It is really wrenching, isn't it, to think of that time stretching out before you. Sometimes, I felt like I wished that it was shorter (meaning that I wished I was older.) But I don't really feel like that now. I have a faith that assures me of seeing my husband again, and I have had a few experiences that strongly support that belief. I'm not sure how I'd feel if I didn't have that. I do know this: love is eternal. I feel strongly that as much as I continue to love my husband, he still loves me as well, and that there will not be an ending to that.
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Old 04-26-2018, 05:38 AM
 
25,164 posts, read 23,023,851 times
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Quote:
Originally Posted by G Grasshopper View Post
Eric, I know that lots of people will relate to the problem of figuring out how to spend your time without your wife. As I mentioned earlier, I am three years after my loss, and I feel like I am still trying to figure out how to live my life without my husband. It is a slow process. In a way, you have to figure out what YOU want to do, not as part of a couple, but on your own. It is a tall order, considering that many of us have spent our whole adult lives with the other half of our couple. For several months, I even had a hard time figuring out what I liked to eat. My tastes were so shaped by what we enjoyed together. I experienced quite a bit of confusion early on. But in the long view, you just have to be really patient about letting this new chapter of your life slowly develop. Some things just can't be rushed.

I know what you mean about the years without your wife. It is really wrenching, isn't it, to think of that time stretching out before you. Sometimes, I felt like I wished that it was shorter (meaning that I wished I was older.) But I don't really feel like that now. I have a faith that assures me of seeing my husband again, and I have had a few experiences that strongly support that belief. I'm not sure how I'd feel if I didn't have that. I do know this: love is eternal. I feel strongly that as much as I continue to love my husband, he still loves me as well, and that there will not be an ending to that.
this was an absolute truth....and an interesting read, which made me realize the following....thank you

I am going to say this in a nice way, and do not mean it to be cruel or condescending, but when you marry, we willingly give up a part of ourselves to that relationship....and one of you, gives more than the other...doesn't mean it's wrong to do, it is in fact, human nature...

So, what happens, is, that certain part of you that you tucked away so neatly, begins to unfold very slowly, and you realize, so many new things you are going to allow yourself to experience...doesn't mean you love your spouse any less...it's just that you begin to once again, realize that inner self that was you, before you married.
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Old 04-26-2018, 06:24 AM
 
Location: Somewhere in northern Alabama
16,711 posts, read 50,810,593 times
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Quote:
Originally Posted by cremebrulee View Post
this was an absolute truth....and an interesting read, which made me realize the following....thank you

I am going to say this in a nice way, and do not mean it to be cruel or condescending, but when you marry, we willingly give up a part of ourselves to that relationship....and one of you, gives more than the other...doesn't mean it's wrong to do, it is in fact, human nature...

So, what happens, is, that certain part of you that you tucked away so neatly, begins to unfold very slowly, and you realize, so many new things you are going to allow yourself to experience...doesn't mean you love your spouse any less...it's just that you begin to once again, realize that inner self that was you, before you married.
I suspect that in most cases that original "self" has grown and changed from the experience, incorporating responses and knowledge from the mate, so it may be less of a returning to the original self than birthing a new improved self. The differences between co-dependence, interdependence, and independence can be subtle enough to trip up even practicing therapists.
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Old 04-26-2018, 07:02 AM
 
25,164 posts, read 23,023,851 times
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Quote:
Originally Posted by harry chickpea View Post
I suspect that in most cases that original "self" has grown and changed from the experience, incorporating responses and knowledge from the mate, so it may be less of a returning to the original self than birthing a new improved self. The differences between co-dependence, interdependence, and independence can be subtle enough to trip up even practicing therapists.
I believe it can be a mixture of all 3...and I actually didn't mean it to be a therapist's situation, it just is....it happens, it's human nature, doesn't mean it's wrong or bad....

it's like when 2 people hook up and become so in-tune with each other, they adopt certain aspects of the other person's character...
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Old 04-26-2018, 07:35 AM
 
Location: northern New England
1,599 posts, read 647,534 times
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Hi Eric, my condolences on your loss. I lost my husband January of 2015 after a year and a half of illness. We were like you, no kids, no pets, not a lot of friends. Just the two of us in a very close relationship (always worked together from home and were together 98% of the time).

When he passed, a widowed friend told me, "now you will find YOU." She was right, I needed to find who I was besides being half of a couple. It is an ongoing journey.

Also, I asked myself, What am I going to do with all this love I used to give my husband? And I answered, I am going to send it out into the world. I volunteer 3 times a week at a social service agency, helping people. So many of them need love. Even if it only a smile and some friendly conversation. You never know what difference you might make in someone's life.

The world needs some gift that you have. Don't hide in bed too much longer.

(((((Big hugs Eric)))))
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Old 04-26-2018, 11:55 AM
 
3,272 posts, read 3,200,915 times
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You used to like pets. I can understand not wanting to go through the loss of them. And right now, you're severely depressed, and it's hard to plan anything.

Do you drive? Maybe you could try to get down to the humane society and volunteer as a dog walker, or help with the cats, or whatever type of pet you and your wife used to enjoy. That would be a start. Animals can be very comforting when you're too miserable to make the effort to talk to people.
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Old 04-26-2018, 01:10 PM
 
147 posts, read 87,214 times
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Let me start by saying, I'm so sorry for your loss. I can only imagine what you're going through right now. I think the advice given to think about how you could help other people is really salient. If you don't want a pet, maybe you could volunteer at a shelter or foster an animal. There's no shortage of animals in need of a little kindness and compassion (something I'm sure you could use right now too). Even getting involved with a local charity or something that will get you out and doing something positive might be a good idea.

All that being said, it's okay if you need to just be depressed for a while. You are grieving. These things take time, especially when you don't feel like you have any emotional support. Feel your feelings, Eric. Take the time you need to heal. Just try not to close yourself off from getting back out there and feeling okay again some day.
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Old 04-26-2018, 01:23 PM
 
Location: Maryland
632 posts, read 184,298 times
Reputation: 1540
Iím sorry for your loss and completely understand youíre reaction. I agree that one of the best things is simply get out and go for a walk, outdoors. Doesnít matter where, you donít need to have a goal, just get out and do it. Itís been the one small thing thatís always helped me no matter the problem. It wonít cure anything but it seems to help restore some sort of balance or perspective, it makes for better sleep and it passes time and dealing with time is important.
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Old 04-26-2018, 01:24 PM
 
Location: East of the Mississippi and South of Bluegrass
4,084 posts, read 3,333,651 times
Reputation: 8625
Cannot say anything to you that has not been offered by the great posters of this thread other than my personal condolences.

Read the posts, repeatedly if necessary, and pick those suggestions that resonate with you and make a real effort to do something good and positive for yourself. Your dearest wife would certainly want for you to find a healthy way forward in and for your life, of that I am sure of.

Please take care of yourself OP, mentally as well as physically, they go together hand in hand.
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