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Old 04-26-2018, 02:23 PM
 
Location: Liverpool
2 posts, read 757 times
Reputation: 25

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Same boat but do that out of bed, i,m 65 so can create a new world, much harder if you r older. I,m devastated in the morning but force myself to do the minutiae of life. Cat has helped. I found out who my true friends r. Have tried to help others. I play pong pong and go with the ramblers. Grief maybe price love!
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Old 04-26-2018, 02:52 PM
 
Location: Liverpool
2 posts, read 757 times
Reputation: 25
I read a book Darke by Rick Gekoski which I related to and so would u.My photos help as invariably she is smiling and laughing. Her aspiration to get home and get well.
These mean to me that I was not making her unhappy, a consolation.
I have been off my head at times.
Recently one of the most inspiring person I've met passed I've at 24, he had debra pbut was an inspiration and so positive.
I talk to get a lot. I would describe myself as mildly depressed but at individual times extremely so.
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Old 04-27-2018, 10:26 AM
 
Location: SWFL
21,438 posts, read 18,155,050 times
Reputation: 18819
You are so welcome, Eric. Thank you for letting us know that you are reading and re-reading all of our posts.

I may even take others' advice to you and go down to the local pound and see if they need some animals loved. I found the pound by accident one day. Now to try and remember where it is! Duh. I don't like people too much but I love animals. Can't have anything but my birds here so maybe I will get my doggie or kitty fix that way.

Also just found out where a nice park is. I think I will take a book with me and go try and find it.

See??? You have unintentionally helped me too!! All these great people in here answering you have inspired me!

Thank you eric and all our fellow posters.
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Old 04-30-2018, 05:27 PM
 
Location: Midvale, Idaho
1,428 posts, read 2,254,345 times
Reputation: 1826
Quote:
Originally Posted by eric johns View Post
I donít have any reason to get up. It was just us, no kids. No family. We used to have friends, but not anymore, they died or moved. Our pets died, I donít want another pet, I canít go through that. Iím retired, have physical problems so finding a job would be hard.

Iím staying with a former coworker now, but itís just because I donít want to go back to my place and deal with packing and moving. He can use the money that I pay in rent, but he isnít really someone I confide in, heís a loner and keeps to himself. His wife left him awhile back

Iím not religious so church would not help.

Really, I donít have a reason to get out of bed and I spend more time there each week that goes by.

Is anyone else going through this.
I do not have time to read through 7 pages just wanted to add my two cents. First I am sorry for the loss of your wife. And I understand staying in bed and doing a lot of sleeping is an escape for you right now. As some one else said in an early post you are not all that far out yet . I also agree with another comment if you want to stay in bed do so. Get as much rest as you need to try to recover from this shock. I do not know if you were a long term caretaker of your wife or she passed with a sudden illness. My hubby had cancer for 4 years and when he passed I was so exhausted I also had to force myself to get up every morning just to try to get all that needed doing done. Then I would rest some more and go to bed early. Now I am sleeping probably 10 hours a night. Not sure this is a normal thing for my age but I am doing it because I go to sleep when I want and get up when I wake up and am ready to get up. Whatever you choose to do right now to take care of you is ok with in reason of course.

Like you we were all each other had. He did have a sister but it has been months and months since I heard from her and last time I had to start the emails. Not to worry we were never close. I thought maybe she would call on his last birthday but she did not . No crime done. I just thought she might call. I do have animals and will always have them even though it is so painful to lose them I have lost two kitties to old age and one from a long term disease in the last month and I am feeling quite numb again.

AS some one said do come in here to talk if this is what you need. If you need human talk with some one message me.I would be happy to just talk. No relationship as I am done but open to a visit. Hubby and I were introverts of course I still am so have very few friends most have gone before me from cancer and heart attacks. One of my two local friends now has Alzheimer's I miss them. Sometimes I go days and days 10 or more with out speaking to a human. So I totally understand being alone.

You take care of you. I wish happiness for you again. Right now it might never seem possible. Who knows never say never.
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Old 04-30-2018, 11:39 PM
 
Location: Glasgow Scotland
14,512 posts, read 11,495,704 times
Reputation: 21008
Quote:
Originally Posted by Keith Dudley View Post
Same boat but do that out of bed, i,m 65 so can create a new world, much harder if you r older. I,m devastated in the morning but force myself to do the minutiae of life. Cat has helped. I found out who my true friends r. Have tried to help others. I play pong pong and go with the ramblers. Grief maybe price love!
Mornings must be hard... as you wake to reality again.. but you seem to be doing it right and good luck to you Keith..
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Old 05-01-2018, 11:24 AM
 
Location: Midvale, Idaho
1,428 posts, read 2,254,345 times
Reputation: 1826
Quote:
Originally Posted by cremebrulee View Post
Hi Ginger,
every single couple is different, and every person is different, some take a loss like this, really hard, others do not...and yet, others expect it, with a long term illness...however, this is the problem....it is wonderful to be close, but not dependent on each other to the point that, that other person is their only happiness. It could be very unhealthy....

It depends a lot on how much one depends on their spouse...for everyday chores, and taking care of the house and bills, even for small things, like waking them up in the morning, getting up and making the coffee...etc...

Some people miss taking care of their spouse, as it becomes their whole purpose in life...and all of a sudden that purpose is taken away.

I know women who lose their spouses and never wrote a check in their life....
other's whose husbands always put gas in their cars

Men whose wives did all the cooking and cleaning for them...

they've been with each other so long, that it's very difficult for some of them to think about life without each other, which isn't healthy....which is why I always advise couples to share the chores, teach each other what the other one does, so that is someone gets sick or even worse, one passes on, that they can accomplish said tasks....which could be overwhelming if they've never done it before.

does any of this make sense?
It sure does to me cremebrulee. I have always been very independent even in our 31 years together. He allowed me this and it is a good thing as during his four years illness I had to step up to the plate several times and instantly take over both his chores and mine and I knew how to do both. I did allow him to tell me what bills he wanted paid and when. Trying not to just take it all out of his hands. Let him do what he still could do even though I was perfectly capable to see when and what bills needed to be paid. I do not think the depth of love determines the depth of grief either . I do totally believe what you say here that to be too dependent on one person for everything that brings you happiness is not a good thing. Now he is gone I need to create my own happiness. Often it is a bitter pill to swallow. And the way everything totally changes with one partner is gone is still mind blowing to me. Nothing at all is the same. Nothing.

I was thinking of trying to get a couple caretaking jobs for those like me that need a little help during the last bits of home care for their loved ones. Another idea is turning my house into a peaceful retreat for someone to come and just breath relax try to heal. Maybe for days or a week at a time. I have been working on this part for myself for the last 20 months and doing quite well. Maybe I need to share it. I need some thing to do now to give myself purpose. I am just not sure what it is yet.
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Old 05-01-2018, 02:02 PM
 
3,964 posts, read 5,251,370 times
Reputation: 4554
Quote:
Originally Posted by shades_of_idaho View Post
It sure does to me cremebrulee. I have always been very independent even in our 31 years together. He allowed me this and it is a good thing as during his four years illness I had to step up to the plate several times and instantly take over both his chores and mine and I knew how to do both. I did allow him to tell me what bills he wanted paid and when. Trying not to just take it all out of his hands. Let him do what he still could do even though I was perfectly capable to see when and what bills needed to be paid. I do not think the depth of love determines the depth of grief either . I do totally believe what you say here that to be too dependent on one person for everything that brings you happiness is not a good thing. Now he is gone I need to create my own happiness. Often it is a bitter pill to swallow. And the way everything totally changes with one partner is gone is still mind blowing to me. Nothing at all is the same. Nothing.
The first part of your paragraph could have almost been written by me. My husband and I were always quite independent, having different interests and skills, and over the almost 4 years of his illness, I took on all the responsibilities of living.

But I am not sure if I agree with your statement about the depth of grief NOT being in proportion with the depth of love. I wouldn't want to confuse dependence with love. Two people can be very independent, but still love very deeply. Likewise, one person can be completely dependent on the other, and there may not be love, and especially not reciprocal love. (Case in point, my MIL was almost completely dependent on my FIL, and was nearly helpless when they divorced, but she never expressed any love connection between them; marriage was advantageous for both, but not ever loving.) So grieving that kind of relationship would be completely different than grieving a loving, inter-dependent relationship.

But there is no doubt that you are right that we must learn to create our own happiness. No, sadly, nothing is the same.
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Old 05-01-2018, 02:29 PM
 
18,827 posts, read 6,160,004 times
Reputation: 12692
OP: Would your wife really want you to stop your life? You need time and then step by step...do life. I didn't read your age..but you probably have a lot of life ahead of you. Give back, be of service to someone who needs help. That's a huge gift of the giver and givee.
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Old 05-01-2018, 03:09 PM
 
Location: Midvale, Idaho
1,428 posts, read 2,254,345 times
Reputation: 1826
Quote:
Originally Posted by G Grasshopper View Post
The first part of your paragraph could have almost been written by me. My husband and I were always quite independent, having different interests and skills, and over the almost 4 years of his illness, I took on all the responsibilities of living.

But I am not sure if I agree with your statement about the depth of grief NOT being in proportion with the depth of love. I wouldn't want to confuse dependence with love. Two people can be very independent, but still love very deeply. Likewise, one person can be completely dependent on the other, and there may not be love, and especially not reciprocal love. (Case in point, my MIL was almost completely dependent on my FIL, and was nearly helpless when they divorced, but she never expressed any love connection between them; marriage was advantageous for both, but not ever loving.) So grieving that kind of relationship would be completely different than grieving a loving, inter-dependent relationship.

But there is no doubt that you are right that we must learn to create our own happiness. No, sadly, nothing is the same.
I guess I am sensitive about the depth of sadness being in portion to the depth of grief. I have been accused of not having loved my husband because I am ,to them, sailing through my grief. They have no idea the pain I feel everytime I think of my Joe not being here with me now when we were supposed to be having the time of our lives in retirement. It is painful beyond belief as I am sure many here are feeling this same pain. I have no choice about keeping going or not. Well I guess I do but to me this is not an option. Also as many of us have experienced once a widow or widower people that were in our lives as couples drift off and I do not need to run the few couple friends I have off by whining all the time about how miserable I am. So I put up a good front. And I do want to be happy. I really do. We all deserve to be happy. Being the introvert I am it is very difficult for me to make new friends. And being this is such a tiny town there just are not many to choose from. And since I was not born and raised here 6 generations back I am a total outsider and always will be even though I have been in this house 10 years and in the immediate area for 24 years.

Yes it would be hard to grieve a loss you really felt no sadness for. Like when I discovered my birth father had died by seeing his obituary online. I felt bad for what we could have had and did not but my heart was not at all broken. He was a mean man. Even so a loss is a loss and it does change everything. Before hubby died I grieved during those last four years for the loss of his life as it should have been before diagnosis. That diagnosis changed everything . Always hanging over a persons head.
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Old 05-02-2018, 08:57 AM
 
7,089 posts, read 3,786,110 times
Reputation: 10570
Read "Man's Search for Meaning" in which Frankl writes that "man can endure any 'what' as long as he has a 'why'..." We ALL need a reason to get up in the morning. Personally, I don't know how you manufacture one out of thin air when yours vanishes, but you're not alone in experiencing an existential crisis. Many of us are grappling with that. Lots of good suggestions here, including adopting a pet.
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