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Old 05-03-2018, 05:53 AM
 
4,356 posts, read 5,286,249 times
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I know when I lost my mom to cancer (12 years ago, but I was only 23), the mornings were always the worst. They always are any time you're in a bad spot. Dream world is a more pleasant place. Even if it's a breakup or something much more minor, there's always this harsh "back to reality" moment about waking up when you realize, oh, great, yup things are just as crappy as when I went to bed. Yay.

For me what really helped is having things to do that got my mind off it at least somewhat. At the time, I was doing Taekwondo and training for a black belt test in just five or six weeks. I took one week off, and I'll be honest I pretty much drank constantly from when I woke up to when I went to bed, but I had my sister and her fiancť who was a really funny, cool guy, and we laughed about funny stories about my mom and tried to make the best of a terrible situation. The social support was helpful. Then I put down the bottle and went back to training 8 days later. I knew that my mom would have wanted me to follow through on a dream, and the physical exertion was so intense that you barely have time to think about anything, even something simple, so it serves as a distraction at the least. Because I usually trained in the mornings (and often at night too), it would at least give me some reason to get up and go do something. As much as I didn't want to.

Your situation is so different in many ways, though, so it's hard to give the best advice based on what I did. I know for me, it happened at such a critical juncture and so suddenly (5 weeks from her learning the cancer returned...) that I barely had the chance to pause. I delayed going to film school for a few months to finish my black belt training, but I couldn't delay it further, and 5 months later I was off to a new city, living on my own, and in many ways truly on my own for the first time. I had been off to college but I always had that safety net of just driving back home and my bills were taken care of for me. Suddenly not only am I dealing with my mom's passing but I'm learning how to set my autopay for credit cards, manage my finances, drive in a crazy city, pursue a new career / education, and trying to make friends. It was the worst situation but I do think the busy nature of my schedule helped in the end, which is why I bring it up. My sister was finishing college, and doing so much of her schooling from home, and she just didn't seem to recover from the loss for many years. She is probably still not the same person, a lot of anger pent up, and I don't think she had a healthy outlet.

There is a certain logic to keeping busy, whatever that may be, and for you it may not be working another job but perhaps volunteer work at something you like, getting involved in politics / the community, or a new hobby you always wanted to pursue but just never did. That could be following more sports, it could be collecting, it could be almost anything but the mind tends to dwell on what's before it. The best way I handle even minor emotional blows (my sports team losing a big game) is to focus on something else and focus intently on it, so that I can get my brain to stop dwelling on whatever it is.

I can't really imagine your loss, though, because I've been with my GF for 7 years but I know if she was no longer here, I'd be devastated and life would just lose its brightness and shine for a while. Nothing would seem to have as much meaning. I think you just have to give yourself time to heal and patience, while embracing whatever is good around you.
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Old 05-06-2018, 07:35 PM
 
Location: Mid-Atlantic
22,759 posts, read 21,804,424 times
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Quote:
Originally Posted by shades_of_idaho View Post
I guess I am sensitive about the depth of sadness being in portion to the depth of grief. I have been accused of not having loved my husband because I am ,to them, sailing through my grief. They have no idea the pain I feel everytime I think of my Joe not being here with me now when we were supposed to be having the time of our lives in retirement. It is painful beyond belief as I am sure many here are feeling this same pain. I have no choice about keeping going or not. Well I guess I do but to me this is not an option. Also as many of us have experienced once a widow or widower people that were in our lives as couples drift off and I do not need to run the few couple friends I have off by whining all the time about how miserable I am. So I put up a good front. And I do want to be happy. I really do. We all deserve to be happy. Being the introvert I am it is very difficult for me to make new friends. And being this is such a tiny town there just are not many to choose from. And since I was not born and raised here 6 generations back I am a total outsider and always will be even though I have been in this house 10 years and in the immediate area for 24 years.

Yes it would be hard to grieve a loss you really felt no sadness for. Like when I discovered my birth father had died by seeing his obituary online. I felt bad for what we could have had and did not but my heart was not at all broken. He was a mean man. Even so a loss is a loss and it does change everything. Before hubby died I grieved during those last four years for the loss of his life as it should have been before diagnosis. That diagnosis changed everything . Always hanging over a persons head.
It's not theirs to know or see. I once changed my clothes before my son took me to the emergency room. I was not going to go there looking like a hot mess. I brushed my hair and applied tinted gloss. He was upset and yelling, "You're going to bleed to death!" It didn't look good, but not really.
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Old 05-06-2018, 08:55 PM
 
Location: Midvale, Idaho
1,428 posts, read 2,256,342 times
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Quote:
Originally Posted by Gerania View Post
It's not theirs to know or see. I once changed my clothes before my son took me to the emergency room. I was not going to go there looking like a hot mess. I brushed my hair and applied tinted gloss. He was upset and yelling, "You're going to bleed to death!" It didn't look good, but not really.
OHHHHH Gerania on the emergency room changing clothes. I did the same thing I had been building fence and going for the last slam with the post driver, hand held kind, I somehow caught my finger in the mess and literally turned the end of it inside out. When I saw something hit the ground I was afraid to look. I thought it was the end of my finger Well no it was the end of my leather glove. So I called emergency and asked if the doctor was in and he had just gone to lunch. Yes tiny town issues. So I told the gal no biggie I would get a shower and clean clothes on and come down and wait for him to get back. I had nothing to deal with the mess my finger end was so I rinsed it off and they wrapped with TP and duct tape and showered. It slowed the bleeding. I do not think I did any make up though. And I had to drive myself the 10 miles into town.

Of course my husband came home from his hunting trip that evening with a fresh deer. And his hunting buddies and I had to cook two dinners because two of then wanted liver and onions and the other two wanted back straps and potatoes and the works. I got out of peeling onions and potatoes. I was lucky stitches and bandages came off in ten days just in time for me to cut of that deer.

And you are so right it really is none of their business. I also know many do not like to hear this but I know my hubby would not have wanted me to be mourning him. Ne was not that kind of guy. HE wanted me to be happy too. We had many discussions on my life after he was gone and I have been blessed with a few good people. I am just doing the best I can.
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Old 05-06-2018, 11:30 PM
 
Location: Mid-Atlantic
22,759 posts, read 21,804,424 times
Reputation: 27827
Quote:
Originally Posted by shades_of_idaho View Post
OHHHHH Gerania on the emergency room changing clothes. I did the same thing I had been building fence and going for the last slam with the post driver, hand held kind, I somehow caught my finger in the mess and literally turned the end of it inside out. When I saw something hit the ground I was afraid to look. I thought it was the end of my finger Well no it was the end of my leather glove. So I called emergency and asked if the doctor was in and he had just gone to lunch. Yes tiny town issues. So I told the gal no biggie I would get a shower and clean clothes on and come down and wait for him to get back. I had nothing to deal with the mess my finger end was so I rinsed it off and they wrapped with TP and duct tape and showered. It slowed the bleeding. I do not think I did any make up though. And I had to drive myself the 10 miles into town.

Of course my husband came home from his hunting trip that evening with a fresh deer. And his hunting buddies and I had to cook two dinners because two of then wanted liver and onions and the other two wanted back straps and potatoes and the works. I got out of peeling onions and potatoes. I was lucky stitches and bandages came off in ten days just in time for me to cut of that deer.

And you are so right it really is none of their business. I also know many do not like to hear this but I know my hubby would not have wanted me to be mourning him. Ne was not that kind of guy. HE wanted me to be happy too. We had many discussions on my life after he was gone and I have been blessed with a few good people. I am just doing the best I can.
You are so much like me that I don't know if I could bear knowing you...Or, you would be my best friend.

Two of my friends have moved off. One of them is well off and hooked up with a younger guy. The other one is always hoping to be able to make rent. I guess that she doesn't want me to see her in that light.
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Old 05-08-2018, 01:19 PM
 
2,301 posts, read 1,118,740 times
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I'm so sorry for your loss. I know how you feel. It was always just the 2 of us (my mom and me). She passed in 11/2017. Its really really hard. The grief makes you choke on air from being miserable.
Just hang in there. Crying helps a lot. After I cry at least I can go outside.
You are not alone in being sad...

Best wishes.
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Old 05-08-2018, 01:58 PM
 
Location: East of the Mississippi and South of Bluegrass
4,116 posts, read 3,398,940 times
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Originally Posted by otterhere View Post
Read "Man's Search for Meaning" in which Frankl writes that "man can endure any 'what' as long as he has a 'why'..." We ALL need a reason to get up in the morning. Personally, I don't know how you manufacture one out of thin air when yours vanishes, but you're not alone in experiencing an existential crisis. Many of us are grappling with that. Lots of good suggestions here, including adopting a pet.
So very sad and yet so very true...even after many, many years.
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Old 05-14-2018, 10:55 AM
 
Location: Minnesota
3,998 posts, read 5,146,378 times
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I'm sort of in the same boat as the OP. Wife passed away suddenly a month ago. I've had issues with motivation during this span of depression. Luckily I am able to get out of bed and begin to get along with my day. I've worked from home since returning to it a couple weeks ago yet I still hit walls there too. I can't seem to do anything that encroaches on her domain. It took me almost two weeks before I could sleep in the bedroom again. Yet there are small wins each day where I can get a bit further. Tasks like cleaning seem like climbing a mountain and when started yield to an incomplete status. Each day I'm able to get more done. I'm still unable to deal with any personal stuff of her's like dresser and closet contents. Everything is just 10 times harder than it should be.

I'm lucky (sort of) that I have a 1 year old puppy to care for which helps in motivation and companionship. He's also an anchor that follows me from one room to another. It's hard for me to leave him while I go to the store. Without him I'd be more lost than ever. My wife was his primary care giver so he is also depressed and confused as to her whereabouts.

We're both moving along and each day there are 'walls' we bump up against. Weather it's something that reminds me of her or something we would do together, those obstacles will be there. It's just something I or we have to deal with.

I know it will get better with time, so we do just that, taking it one day at a time. It's just hard.
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Old 05-14-2018, 01:22 PM
 
3,967 posts, read 5,255,783 times
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Quote:
Originally Posted by slamont61 View Post
I'm sort of in the same boat as the OP. Wife passed away suddenly a month ago. I've had issues with motivation during this span of depression. Luckily I am able to get out of bed and begin to get along with my day. I've worked from home since returning to it a couple weeks ago yet I still hit walls there too. I can't seem to do anything that encroaches on her domain. It took me almost two weeks before I could sleep in the bedroom again. Yet there are small wins each day where I can get a bit further. Tasks like cleaning seem like climbing a mountain and when started yield to an incomplete status. Each day I'm able to get more done. I'm still unable to deal with any personal stuff of her's like dresser and closet contents. Everything is just 10 times harder than it should be.

I'm lucky (sort of) that I have a 1 year old puppy to care for which helps in motivation and companionship. He's also an anchor that follows me from one room to another. It's hard for me to leave him while I go to the store. Without him I'd be more lost than ever. My wife was his primary care giver so he is also depressed and confused as to her whereabouts.

.
It took me a month to move out of the guest room back into our bedroom. I had to get all the medical stuff out. I changed beds so that there was only a twin in there for me (couldn't see the empty spot), and moved things around, and put everything that was my husband's into his closet (although there were still things of his in drawers.) I've heard of people painting the bedroom. It seemed important to me to at least partially make the bedroom into "mine" instead of "ours." Even so, there is still a lot to remind you, and it just takes time to go through those feelings. I totally avoided his closet for a few months, then would go in there once in a while to "smell" it, and look at his things. I started donating or throwing away things maybe 6 months later, but I didn't really clean out his closet until a year later, when I was moving. I think you just have to go with your feelings about when is the time to expose yourself to the emotional impact of going through to lost spouse's things.

I got a new puppy about 13 months after the death. It is so intensive raising a puppy, it was perhaps too much for me, but I did make it through, and my dog is now a good guy to have around (cuddly, fun, gets me outside, etc.)

I think the basis of dealing the whole adjustment and grief experience is patience. Things take time.
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Old 05-14-2018, 03:41 PM
 
6 posts, read 2,122 times
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Contact your local Visiting Nurse Association or Hospice. They can put you in contact with a local Grief Support Group. This group saved my sanity after I lost my husband. In the group, you'll be able to talk and share your feelings with others going through the loss of a loved one. Or, you can choose to be silent, until you are ready to share. They gave me many articles on grief which helped me tremendously. My best to you and may you find some comfort, soon.
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Old 05-15-2018, 10:25 AM
 
Location: SWFL
21,469 posts, read 18,172,971 times
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My condolences, slamont.
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