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Old 05-12-2018, 08:01 AM
 
Location: Hoping to settle down.
20,799 posts, read 17,582,956 times
Reputation: 18051

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Quote:
Originally Posted by Gerania View Post
Seven months? That's inexcusable. I knew my husband wouldn't go to his final resting place for a few months because he went to a military cemetery. There's a lot of paperwork and scheduling.
That's where he went, The National Cemetery. The a-hole director kept wanting the same paperwork over and over and over again. The cemetery was johnny-on-the-spot about having a chaplain call, the engraving I wanted....everything. Just no ashes to bury for 7 friggin months.
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Old 05-12-2018, 10:55 PM
 
3,818 posts, read 5,084,403 times
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Quote:
Originally Posted by harry chickpea View Post
This is something that was upsetting to me. I knew exactly when my wife died and I knew that it was NOT of what was listed on the death certificate. Frankly, that "certificate" was an insult. A doctor who had never seen my wife, certified that the nurse who showed up long after her death was the arbitrator of when she died - because she had a stethoscope and a notebook, and the supposed cause of death was a matter of convenience to him that could have been easily corrected with a single call to her primary physician. May his gravestone be pillaged by groundhogs and fire ants and his legacy thwarted by incompetent librarians with alcohol problems.
I do actually understand this to some extent. In my husband's case, the nurse accepted the time of death as the time we told her. It is a small gesture, but it is an indication that the nurse (and the hospice doctor) trust the family, and it is always good to be treated with respect at that vulnerable time. And as to the cause, it was accurate. I was concerned that my mother's cause would not be accurate. When she had the stroke that finally sent her to a nursing home, we did not have that diagnosed by a doctor, as it was completely obvious that it was a stroke (hemiplegia, lost speech, etc.) and I did not want to put her through a bunch of medical procedures to confirm what I already knew. So it wasn't very official, although perhaps the doctor at the nursing home noted it. So I wanted the death certificate to say CVA rather than "dementia" or "natural causes," etc. It did, so that was good. Nobody wants their loved one's death certificate to be inaccurate, as it is an historical record, and may mean something to someone in the future.
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Old 05-16-2018, 10:40 PM
 
Location: Mid-Atlantic
21,657 posts, read 20,694,979 times
Reputation: 26410
Quote:
Originally Posted by tamiznluv View Post
That's where he went, The National Cemetery. The a-hole director kept wanting the same paperwork over and over and over again. The cemetery was johnny-on-the-spot about having a chaplain call, the engraving I wanted....everything. Just no ashes to bury for 7 friggin months.
My experience was quite a mess, too. I was told that I'd receive a letter telling me the date, that I'd get a letter with follow up information, and that clergy would contact me. None of that happened.

My husband's old Army buddy who became a lawyer made all of that happen for me. He lived near DC and went broke representing veterans.

My husband's cremated remains were placed in a veteran's cemetery four months after his death.

Tam, I'm so sorry that happened to you.
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Old 05-17-2018, 06:01 AM
 
Location: Sneads Ferry NC/Randolph NJ/Cape Coral FL
12,817 posts, read 23,606,987 times
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Quote:
Originally Posted by Gerania View Post
My experience was quite a mess, too. I was told that I'd receive a letter telling me the date, that I'd get a letter with follow up information, and that clergy would contact me. None of that happened.

My husband's old Army buddy who became a lawyer made all of that happen for me. He lived near DC and went broke representing veterans.

My husband's cremated remains were placed in a veteran's cemetery four months after his death.

Tam, I'm so sorry that happened to you.
That is horrible. I had 3 options, Arlington, VA cemetery in South Jersey or a new private VA cemetery in Sparta N.J. Even though I had to pay for the private cemetery, very reasonable, I opted for that. VA only paid for headstone. It is only 5 miles from home and glad I chose as kids and friends have been to visit.

I was able to bury his ashes 3 weeks later, it would have been sooner had we not had a major snow storm.

Sorry you and Tam had to go through that.
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Old 05-17-2018, 07:17 AM
 
Location: Hoping to settle down.
20,799 posts, read 17,582,956 times
Reputation: 18051
Thanks, njkate and Gerania.

Wow, Gerania, I am so sorry you had to go through that too! There should be no need of that. I could see maybe a week but anymore than that is downright dirty dog cruel. Was your hubby a 'Nam vet too? Still being dishonored IMO.
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Old 05-17-2018, 08:29 AM
 
Location: Sneads Ferry NC/Randolph NJ/Cape Coral FL
12,817 posts, read 23,606,987 times
Reputation: 10518
Quote:
Originally Posted by tamiznluv View Post
Thanks, njkate and Gerania.

Wow, Gerania, I am so sorry you had to go through that too! There should be no need of that. I could see maybe a week but anymore than that is downright dirty dog cruel. Was your hubby a 'Nam vet too? Still being dishonored IMO.


Mine was and I swear as he was on an aircraft carrier in boiler room for 4 years the asbestos caused his cancer but unless it's mesothelioma VA doesn't recognize but that's a whole other topic.
The last 13 months of his life, between doctors, VA and hospice is something I'd like to erase from my mind but alas can not do
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Old 05-17-2018, 12:54 PM
 
Location: Mid-Atlantic
21,657 posts, read 20,694,979 times
Reputation: 26410
Quote:
Originally Posted by tamiznluv View Post
Thanks, njkate and Gerania.

Wow, Gerania, I am so sorry you had to go through that too! There should be no need of that. I could see maybe a week but anymore than that is downright dirty dog cruel. Was your hubby a 'Nam vet too? Still being dishonored IMO.
He just missed that party, but there were plenty of others.

I knew that it would take a while to get him into a military cemetery, but four months seemed a bit much. The thing that ticked me off the most was that things weren't finalised until barely, less than, three weeks before his interment. Some of his active duty and DOD friends couldn't make it because of that. My sister couldn't get there. My dear nephew, working overseas, couldn't get there. His best friend had been on cemetery duty for three months and reassigned a week before. My only relative at the funeral was my son.
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Old 05-30-2018, 02:16 PM
 
Location: Frisco, Texas
137 posts, read 48,663 times
Reputation: 84
I lost my mother back in March, at local Hospice center. She was there for a day after being transferred from a nearby hospital. She had cancer and had been through several conventional treatments including chemo and radiation. We tried alternative treatments but it was much too late by then.


I learned many things while researching alternative treatments, including an apparent dislike of Hospice by one of the doctors. They warned me about their tactics and the use of morphine. I was told to stay away from Hospice at all cost. However, when the time came and our hope was shattered, we decided to move her to a Hospice facility after being in a hospital for a week to try to keep her comfortable as they said. We moved her on a Friday morning and she was gone that Friday evening.


My mother was not in pain, her heart rate was accelerated due to liquid outside her lungs. A nurse literally begged us to give her morphine to help her rest and help with any anxiety. She stated although she was not in pain it would alleviate some of the pressure her heart and other muscles were having to endure. She mentioned morphine and aspirin were routine treatment for people that have had a heart attack. She even showed us the small amount she was going to give her.


My point to this abbreviated story is the morning we took her into the Hospice facility, she was conscious and even talking and eating. They gave here morphine, and in a matter of hours she was gone. I realize the enviable was going to happen, I could feel it. I guess I thought I had a few more days or even a week with her. I don't believe Hospice killed her or had mal intent in what occurred; Her heart just stopped. The irony is I was warned not to put her in Hospice and not to allow them to give her morphine, but I did.


What ever confort, if any, Hospice could have given her, was given by the Lord when she opened her eyes for the last time, raised her arms towards the heavens and parted this world. I hold no grudge with Hospice but I will always have that suspicion on the back of my mind.
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Old 05-30-2018, 09:40 PM
 
Location: We_tside PNW (Columbia Gorge) / CO / SA TX / Thailand
19,796 posts, read 36,131,896 times
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Quote:
Originally Posted by NorthTexasGuy View Post
I lost my mother back in March, at local Hospice center. She was there for a day after being transferred from a nearby hospital. She had cancer and had been through several conventional treatments including chemo and radiation. We tried alternative treatments but it was much too late by then.


I learned many things while researching alternative treatments, including an apparent dislike of Hospice by one of the doctors. They warned me about their tactics and the use of morphine. I was told to stay away from Hospice at all cost. However, when the time came and our hope was shattered, we decided to move her to a Hospice facility after being in a hospital for a week to try to keep her comfortable as they said. We moved her on a Friday morning and she was gone that Friday evening.


My mother was not in pain, her heart rate was accelerated due to liquid outside her lungs. A nurse literally begged us to give her morphine to help her rest and help with any anxiety. She stated although she was not in pain it would alleviate some of the pressure her heart and other muscles were having to endure. She mentioned morphine and aspirin were routine treatment for people that have had a heart attack. She even showed us the small amount she was going to give her.


My point to this abbreviated story is the morning we took her into the Hospice facility, she was conscious and even talking and eating. They gave here morphine, and in a matter of hours she was gone. I realize the enviable was going to happen, I could feel it. I guess I thought I had a few more days or even a week with her. I don't believe Hospice killed her or had mal intent in what occurred; Her heart just stopped. The irony is I was warned not to put her in Hospice and not to allow them to give her morphine, but I did.


What ever confort, if any, Hospice could have given her, was given by the Lord when she opened her eyes for the last time, raised her arms towards the heavens and parted this world. I hold no grudge with Hospice but I will always have that suspicion on the back of my mind.
Do further research and acknowledge: (as you have)
1) Mother's condition when the choice was made to go to hospice
2) Hospice nurse 'advice' (professional)
3) Seemingly peaceful passing of mom (evidenced)


I would not concentrate / put all that much merit in a flippant response from Dr. (don't use morphine). Very EZ for them to say, as they are not gonna be the ones to attend your mom in death, hour by painful hour, day by long day, anguished labored breath until last breath (sometimes for a week or more), uncomfortable chest pressure and bed sores, humiliation at loss of control and life (and pain LOTS of pain. )

I consider you made the best choice for your mom, and that hospice professionally did so as well.

You were VERY fortunate. They don't all end this way.

Blessings on your dear mom, and our hearts are with you, as you made the best choice you could (not the only choice, but the better of choices).

Get a good night's sleep. Your mom's battle is over and she and you have victory. Your own battle will come soon enough.

thanks for sharing, your concerns are valid and understood.

BTDT too many times, it ain't ever pretty.

You were blessed!
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Old 06-05-2018, 08:53 AM
 
Location: Frederick
370 posts, read 101,741 times
Reputation: 885
I have had one (remote) experience with hospice care. I was working and out of state when my mom requested it for herself. She was 92, congestive heart failure, arthritis, neuropathy, lots of things typical of that age. They were giving her morphine for a while, orally I guess, but when I went down to see her, she was on a morphine patch that had her pretty much unconscious. I asked about feeding and they said they couldn’t do that since she was unconscious. She had told them she was ready to go according to my sister and niece who lived down there near her.

So, it was clear to me that the procedure was to get her unconscious and withhold nourishment until she died. Cause of death was listed as “failure to thrive” and “congestive heart failure”. Is this the typical procedure used when someone agrees to hospice care and says they’re ready to die?
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