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Old 05-08-2018, 08:18 PM
 
Location: Mid-Atlantic
22,364 posts, read 21,386,967 times
Reputation: 27319

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Quote:
Originally Posted by harry chickpea View Post
I'm going to commit heresy here, but you might want to subscribe to one of the PAID online dating sites, such as Match. (The freebee sites attract a more *ahem* spotty crowd.) Why am I suggesting this? Three major things I notice: 1. Your emphasis on loneliness 2. Your unfamiliar surroundings where developing relationships is going to take more time than if you were in a home community where those were already established 3. The mention of the "it has been a year" milestone.

You can put in your profile that you are only wanting companionship at this time and you are looking for people with similar interests to gather a group of friends. Not everyone on the dating sites is looking for an immediate rush into a full-on relationship.

Another way of beginning to build a community is subscribing to "meet-up" and looking for groups that are of interest to you.

You were wise to get rid of the house in the Poconos. A remote house can be a financial and emotional drain.

You will find that the people posting here are a type of community. As you have found, the door is open and hugs available. Read a few of the threads to get the flavor of the place.
One for you, too. Meet-up might work.
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Old 05-08-2018, 08:32 PM
 
Location: Norfolk
1,564 posts, read 1,952,743 times
Reputation: 5015
Quote:
Originally Posted by Marble cake View Post
Thanks again. I’m really trying but the lonely, sad feeling remains.
Color me cynical, but I can't help but wonder how many of the respondents buried a spouse after a long-term marriage.

I have, and it's hell on earth.

Back in the day, we gave men and women permission to mourn the loss of their spouse. Now widows and widowers are supposed to be perky and "over it" in a year or two. Turns out, in real life, year two is the WORST. Google "second year grief" and you'll see that many widows say it is far worse than Year One.

I'm two weeks into my third year, and I am just now starting to feel somewhat human.

I tried the "stay busy" route and it made me more miserable. I do go to social functions 1-2 times per week and I visit friends 1-2 times per week. Mainly, I stay home, play with the dog, dig in the yard and take lots of walks.

You mentioned crowds? OMG, they're the worst. Very depressing.

As to grown children, most just can't understand this much emotional pain, and God bless them for that.

Be gentle with yourself. Embrace the suck, as the young people say, which just means, "Understand that this is going to hurt for a time," and give yourself permission to cry.

Time doesn't heal crap. That platitude may apply somewhere in life, but it doesn't apply to losing a spouse.

As Willie Nelson sings in his newest song, "This isn't something you get over. It is something you get through."
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Old 05-08-2018, 08:55 PM
 
Location: 76102
3,136 posts, read 1,419,380 times
Reputation: 9397
Quote:
Originally Posted by Marble cake View Post
It will be a year my husband died on the 25th of this month. We were married 43 years. He didn't leave me financially secure at all. Although he was a very good provider, he never thought about the future.

I had to sell my house up north, which didn't sell for much, and I'm currently living in florida in a 55 plus community. We had intended to be snowbirds. I couldn't hold the 2 places so I sold the north hous because it was in the pocono mountains and in a very isolated area.

So now I'm in florida full time and it just hit me. This is it. I'm down here alone with no family at all. My children have problems (another thread subject). So living near them isn't a option.

I feel very down and hopeless.

I already take an antidepressant, and I go to church regularly. I guess I'll just have to adjust. I was thinking about getting a job. Yippee.

But the loneliness is terrible. Yes I do go out, but I feel alone in a crowd.

I never believed this is how I would wind up. A lonely soul.
Get that job, meet people, get a pet. I think about how it will be when my husband passes. He is 10 years older than me, a 2x cancer survivor. I fully expect to sell our home and move to a small apartment and get on with life and live on my own pension alone. I have one son who is always working (trucking business) and I can't burden him when the time comes.

You know, I am married and many times I, too feel like a lonely soul, all alone.

Hang in there.
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Old 05-08-2018, 09:13 PM
 
487 posts, read 214,474 times
Reputation: 943
Do you like animals? I would suggest a pet. They are always happy to see you.

Can you go play bingo or something where you are in a crowd at a regular time? Join a gym so you can take yoga or something? Find a walking buddy for a morning stroll? Do you like kids? Maybe you could provide daycare? Maybe sign up for golf lessons or cake decorating or something where you learn a skill? (I know these will FEEL like a lot of work right now but might pay off).

I really do NOT think getting a job would cheer me up. The one I have now certainly is not doing it!!!
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Old 05-08-2018, 09:45 PM
 
304 posts, read 177,210 times
Reputation: 525
RosemaryT. I wish I could give you a hug. You hit it spot on. I was very very bad in the beginning. Then I started to feel a little better. Now as the second year is approaching I am just as bad as in the beginning. I guess my title summed it up. So This is It.

Many are suggestion do this, do that, and I do but sometimes it's worse because I feel even lonelier in a crowd.

Ihatetodust: I play bingo, go to the gym, to bible study, to church, the movies, Saturday nite dances. But I'm alone in a crowd. RosemaryT hit it right on the head.

The extra money from a job will be good. I loved what I did. I worked in school as an aide so I applied to the schools here. It was a lot of work, though. I'm getting older not younger. We shall see. Maybe some other easier job.

I went to a grieving group. But it was for anyone. People were talking and crying about losing their child. I came out worse than when I went in. I will look for a specific widows group. But I did go to one in pa. It was nice. It met once a month. I'll have to look here.

Yes rosemaryt. It is hell losing your long time spouse. I was only 17 when I met hubby. He knocked my socks off. Lol. Now I'm trying to get used to a new normal.

Last edited by Marble cake; 05-08-2018 at 09:59 PM..
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Old 05-08-2018, 10:34 PM
 
Location: Mid-Atlantic
22,364 posts, read 21,386,967 times
Reputation: 27319
I was a complete mess for at least three years. You can't do something for decades and be expected to completely change--everything--in a year or two. I had to get used to being married, and I had to get used to being a widow.

I felt really naked for a while. I'd forgotten how to be single.
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Old 05-08-2018, 11:52 PM
 
Location: Approximately 50 miles from Missoula MT/38 yrs full time after 4 yrs part time
2,244 posts, read 3,137,970 times
Reputation: 4637
Quote:
Originally Posted by ihatetodust View Post
Do you like animals? I would suggest a pet. They are always happy to see you.
^^^^^^^^^^^^^^.. I have been living the life of a widower for 13 yrs now..
In the same house that my wife and I designed and built some 25 yrs before her death........we were married for a total of 51 years, and we ;had 11 years of living in our retirement home before her passing after 14 months of chemo and radiation.
Having had dogs through 50 yrs of the 51 yrs, we were married,,, I knew I could not get on with my life without a dog...

Got an adult 10 yr old all trained male French Brittany shortly after her death, and then about a year into having that dog, I figured i had better get a puppy to begin to take the place of the older one who would be passing on within about 3 yrs....(it pass away at 13.)
The timing worked out perfect. The young one is now 12 +2 months , learned hunting from the older one (Quail hunting in AZ,...NM;... TX;......=AL;...GA;...and. MS OVER THE LAST 9 OR 10 YEARS. ......AND TRAVELED OVER 87,000 MILES IN THE SUV.
.Got that 7 mo old male French/American BrittANY, who has turned into an excellent upland bird hunting dog. But also is an EXCELLENT COMPANION DOG, and has traveledb with me in a Yukon SUV IN A TRAVEL crate over 87,000 thousand miles...........No problems at all.
Having a dog in those first few months after my wife passed was a major factor in my being able handle my loss so well.

Edit:....I n addition to having the two Brittanys, I kept my self busy with joining a local Trap and Sporting Clays club; continued my attending Sunday church....

I did not get involved in a Bereavement group that met once a week for breakfast to discuss their problems adjusting to their new way of life........
My personality is not one that would have worked out very well in joining this group)

I am not one to lean on another for emotional support.

Last edited by Montana Griz; 05-09-2018 at 12:26 AM..
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Old 05-09-2018, 12:17 AM
 
304 posts, read 177,210 times
Reputation: 525
Quote:
Originally Posted by zentropa View Post
Marble cake, why do you seem so negative about going to work? Most people work, and most people get a lot out of it--the collegial relationships, the fresh challenges, learning something new, the sense of accomplishment, etc. I would become very depressed at home 7 days a week with no structure or outlet for my skills and talents.

If you did not enjoy your previous career, you have the perfect opportunity to try something new. Good luck.
Zentropa. I'm not young. When most people stop working, I'm starting again, after having already worked a while. Many seniors do work, though, I know. But I def could use the money, and I loved working in the past. Anything that was on my mind disappeared when at work. Too busy to think about anything.

I don't stay home 7 days a week. That isn't good for most.
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Old 05-09-2018, 05:35 AM
 
Location: Sneads Ferry NC/Randolph NJ/Cape Coral FL
12,890 posts, read 23,899,309 times
Reputation: 10669
Oh Marble Cake, you have written my story. I lost my husband 14 months ago and the pain, loneliness, what iffs as far as his medical treatment haunt me every day.

We had already moved to FL so for most of the 13 months he was sick, he was diagnosed 4 months after moving there, I was alone as his caretaker.

I have listed my condo and moved to NC, much closer to home and family in NJ, I'd move back to NJ if it wasn't so dam expensive.

As you get older imo, it's harder to really connect with people for true friendship, especially if they are a couple, you feel like a fifth wheel. Even when I come up to NJ and stay with my daughter I feel like I'm in their way.

When you spend decades with someone, being a couple, vacationing together, doing things together it's very hard to function as a single person.
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Old 05-09-2018, 05:41 AM
 
Location: Sneads Ferry NC/Randolph NJ/Cape Coral FL
12,890 posts, read 23,899,309 times
Reputation: 10669
Quote:
Originally Posted by RosemaryT View Post
Color me cynical, but I can't help but wonder how many of the respondents buried a spouse after a long-term marriage.

I have, and it's hell on earth.

Back in the day, we gave men and women permission to mourn the loss of their spouse. Now widows and widowers are supposed to be perky and "over it" in a year or two. Turns out, in real life, year two is the WORST. Google "second year grief" and you'll see that many widows say it is far worse than Year One.

I'm two weeks into my third year, and I am just now starting to feel somewhat human.

I tried the "stay busy" route and it made me more miserable. I do go to social functions 1-2 times per week and I visit friends 1-2 times per week. Mainly, I stay home, play with the dog, dig in the yard and take lots of walks.

You mentioned crowds? OMG, they're the worst. Very depressing.

As to grown children, most just can't understand this much emotional pain, and God bless them for that.

Be gentle with yourself. Embrace the suck, as the young people say, which just means, "Understand that this is going to hurt for a time," and give yourself permission to cry.

Time doesn't heal crap. That platitude may apply somewhere in life, but it doesn't apply to losing a spouse.

As Willie Nelson sings in his newest song, "This isn't something you get over. It is something you get through."
I love that song, first time I heard it I ended up crying a river!! Before that song a quote by Rose Kennedy hit home:

It has been said time heals all wounds, I do not agree. The wounds remain. In time the mind protecting it's sanity covers them with scar tissue and the pain lessens. But it is never gone.
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