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Old 05-09-2018, 08:29 AM
 
Location: Sneads Ferry NC/Randolph NJ/Cape Coral FL
12,928 posts, read 24,052,828 times
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Quote:
Originally Posted by RosemaryT View Post
I tried support groups and I found them to be profoundly depressing. One-on-one therapy worked better for me. But not every depressed person needs counseling, support groups or therapy.

Twenty-first Century America doesn't really have a place for mourning. We rush to fix it, heal it or remove it, when we really just need to let our sad heart heal from the gaping wound left by the death of a beloved spouse.
I agree!! Even my doctor was quick to offer anti anxiety/depression meds, which I declined. I often think back in my grandmothers time when people expected one to mourn, even wear black for one year, it was helpful in healing to a degree. Now people look at you with that "get over it" look. What they don't get is you do not get over it, you just learn to get through it.
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Old 05-09-2018, 09:19 AM
 
Location: Norfolk
1,574 posts, read 1,978,161 times
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Quote:
Originally Posted by njkate View Post
I agree!! Even my doctor was quick to offer anti anxiety/depression meds, which I declined. I often think back in my grandmothers time when people expected one to mourn, even wear black for one year, it was helpful in healing to a degree. Now people look at you with that "get over it" look. What they don't get is you do not get over it, you just learn to get through it.
AMEN!

And you quoted Rose Kennedy earlier. That's also one of my favorite quotes.

Here's that Willie Nelson song. It has helped my heavy heart heal.


https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=rdtx-pxjX8A
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Old 05-09-2018, 09:39 AM
 
5,822 posts, read 3,298,927 times
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I'm sorry about the loss of your husband. It's tough starting a new life, but you can do it! I have found that getting involved in the activities and joining at least one group in your 55+ community is key to making friends.

There are many other women who are alone too, and most are very welcoming. The key is to keep showing up and giving yourself and others enough time to become familiar. It's amazing how quickly involvement in current activities can stop your thoughts from dwelling on the past and make you feel alive again. Best Wishes to you, and please let us all know how you're doing!
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Old 05-09-2018, 09:52 AM
 
Location: SWFL
21,432 posts, read 18,144,759 times
Reputation: 18814
Quote:
Originally Posted by Marble cake View Post
It will be a year my husband died on the 25th of this month. We were married 43 years. He didn't leave me financially secure at all. Although he was a very good provider, he never thought about the future.

I had to sell my house up north, which didn't sell for much, and I'm currently living in florida in a 55 plus community. We had intended to be snowbirds. I couldn't hold the 2 places so I sold the north hous because it was in the pocono mountains and in a very isolated area.

So now I'm in florida full time and it just hit me. This is it. I'm down here alone with no family at all. My children have problems (another thread subject). So living near them isn't a option.

I feel very down and hopeless.

I already take an antidepressant, and I go to church regularly. I guess I'll just have to adjust. I was thinking about getting a job. Yippee.

But the loneliness is terrible. Yes I do go out, but I feel alone in a crowd.

I never believed this is how I would wind up. A lonely soul.
So sorry for your loss. Join the club. Only thing different is I like being alone. Not alone without my hubby but alone as in no other people to deal with.

Quote:
Originally Posted by old_cold View Post
Can I inject some humor in here? Being full time and having been on the BOD, the snow birds that have left make it the most enjoyable months for us full timers since they're the biggest complainers
How true!!

Quote:
Originally Posted by RosemaryT View Post
Color me cynical, but I can't help but wonder how many of the respondents buried a spouse after a long-term marriage.

I have, and it's hell on earth.

Back in the day, we gave men and women permission to mourn the loss of their spouse. Now widows and widowers are supposed to be perky and "over it" in a year or two. Turns out, in real life, year two is the WORST. Google "second year grief" and you'll see that many widows say it is far worse than Year One.

I'm two weeks into my third year, and I am just now starting to feel somewhat human.
I posted about just this 4 1/2 years ago because I thought there was something wrong with me! I had gone through all the "first" things so I thought the "2nd" would be easier. Not. Took me 5 1/2 years to be able to function as not a zombie.

I messed up my life big time in those 5 1/2 years but I am surviving. That's really all I want to do.....survive until it is my time. I don't care if I don't go anywhere except the stores or have anyone to hang with. I know, I am an exception to the norm. It irritates me when people say that I am "not living a full life". Yes, yes I am. I am living the life in which I am comfortable.

I like your idea of a small community of widows helping each other out. If I had some money I would contact you about getting one going! Unfortunately I don't have a pot to pi$$ in.
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Old 05-09-2018, 09:58 AM
 
Location: Norfolk
1,574 posts, read 1,978,161 times
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Quote:
Originally Posted by tamiznluv View Post

I like your idea of a small community of widows helping each other out. If I had some money I would contact you about getting one going! Unfortunately I don't have a pot to pi$$ in.
In my ideal dream of this widows' community, we would have enough resources to welcome both rich and not-so-rich.

Obviously, there would have to be balance, but this is a dream I have cherished. I know so many women that are so alone in the world. Frankly, after my last marriage, I find that I don't want to do this again. I sacrificed and sacrificed and sacrificed some more, so much so that I lost myself in the process.

I much prefer the company of women these days.
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Old 05-09-2018, 10:32 AM
 
Location: SWFL
21,432 posts, read 18,144,759 times
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Quote:
Originally Posted by RosemaryT View Post
In my ideal dream of this widows' community, we would have enough resources to welcome both rich and not-so-rich.

Obviously, there would have to be balance, but this is a dream I have cherished. I know so many women that are so alone in the world. Frankly, after my last marriage, I find that I don't want to do this again. I sacrificed and sacrificed and sacrificed some more, so much so that I lost myself in the process.

I much prefer the company of women these days.
I hear you, Rosemary! That is a very unselfish dream of yours. I do not want to do this again either. My hubby was my 3rd one. The first two were disasters. Not nice men. My last hubby taught me how a woman should be treated and made my life great. I am content with his memories. It's kinda sad but it is what I choose to do.
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Old 05-09-2018, 10:57 AM
 
632 posts, read 629,066 times
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Quote:
Originally Posted by zentropa View Post
Marble cake, why do you seem so negative about going to work? Most people work, and most people get a lot out of it--the collegial relationships, the fresh challenges, learning something new, the sense of accomplishment, etc. I would become very depressed at home 7 days a week with no structure or outlet for my skills and talents.

If you did not enjoy your previous career, you have the perfect opportunity to try something new. Good luck.
Well said. What if a person has no talent, skill or ability? Either get busy living or get busy dying.
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Old 05-09-2018, 11:17 AM
46H
 
843 posts, read 472,710 times
Reputation: 1590
Go to the gym at the same time every day. See if you can figure out when you see the most retirees. In my gym the time seems to be around 8AM. Eventually you will become one of the familiar faces and you eventually get to know some of the others working out. You will develop some decent friendships. The added benefit is you will feel the positive benefits of exercise.
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Old 05-10-2018, 01:25 AM
 
15,824 posts, read 18,440,406 times
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I feel for you.....you are still grieving and possibly haven't begun to reach out socially, which would help your loneliness.

I had a friend that moved into a 55 plus community. She was very outgoing and I though the example that she sat was what most folks would benefit from.

She joined several activity groups, and got herself a little used golf cart, even though she was severely handicapped by her Arthur as she called it....since she was in her teens. She got involved, and actually went to the activities, meetings and took pics and shared them on FB. She had just moved from Maine after her long time boyfriend/housemate had passed.

I think throwing yourself into anything, something where it requires you to actually do something like go places, and be around others will be a positive start. You'll continue your recovery, you might even check on volunteering to help others who are grieving....I would guess your community, or your hospital would know of grief groups you could join, participate and/or volunteer at.

A job, might very well be a plus....It gets you out, gives someone a sense of purpose, and depending on the job can become a real support for a purposeful life. There are agencies made for retired folks to help them get productive experiences, paid jobs, volunteer opportunities and such.

Good luck to you...be proactive....put one foot in front of the other and make your way to a healthier daily life. You may never stop grieving completely....it may take a long time....but if you are like me.....I finally figured out that the folks I was grieving over would be mad as h.e.ll at me for wasting so much time.....when I could get my butt out ad DO....So, I don't do much, retired.....have some medical issues.....but I do get outside and garden, and try to do things like go eat and go to activities and such.....because my brother and my sister no longer can.
God bless you.....you can do this.....live your life and have some joy eventually and purpose and enthusiasm.....Good luck to you.

https://www.aarp.org/work/working-af...-retirees.html
https://money.usnews.com/money/retir...-older-workers
https://wealthpilgrim.com/jobs-for-seniors/


Using search with Jobs after retirement I came up with a list......too large to link here. Please do a google search.
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Old 05-10-2018, 02:52 AM
 
764 posts, read 46,235 times
Reputation: 474
I am so sorry for your loss.

I also lost my dear one. I wish I could say something to help, but I am still in a daze.

I spend a lot of time sleeping. You do sound like you have at least been able to function some, in that you sold your house. I haven’t gone back to mine yet.

Again, I am sorry.
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