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Old 05-10-2018, 03:31 AM
 
Location: Northern Maine
9,428 posts, read 14,166,945 times
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"I never believed this is how I would wind up. A lonely soul."

I lost my wife of 53 years a year ago. I miss her. I work every day. I am active in my community. I belong to groups. I'm the deacon in our small church. It is natural to grieve, but do not wallow in it. Do not be a "lonely soul". You have options.
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Old 05-10-2018, 03:44 PM
 
Location: SWFL
21,062 posts, read 17,917,378 times
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Quote:
Originally Posted by Aleister Crowley View Post
Well said. What if a person has no talent, skill or ability? Either get busy living or get busy dying.
Case in point. From the time we are conceived, we are dying actually. Why does it bother others that some people are content just waiting patiently for the Grim Reaper? Because they fear death? I'm a tad fearful but also don't care when my time will be. I am content to get up, have my coffee, watch all the wildlife that surrounds us, feed "Rocky" the racoon (by hand), roam around cyberspace, go to the store if need be. I don't see a thing wrong with my laid-back life. All that I am missing is time constraints, pressure and high blood pressure. So sue me.
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Old 05-14-2018, 12:33 AM
 
3,914 posts, read 5,194,120 times
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I agree that involvement is good, but it has to be the right kind for you. A support group can sometimes be helpful, even if it is short term. But some people don't like this alternative. Also, some support groups are constructive, and some are not. Depends to some extent on how the leader lets it unwind.

I started getting more involved with things when I was about 18 months out from losing my husband. But there were several things I tried that I didn't like. The fact is that you have to kind of rediscover who you are now, because losing the one we love changes us. So sometimes we try something we used to do, and it no longer feels good. Sometimes things turn up that were unexpected, and sometimes we fall back into activities we used to do years ago. I am trying to say "yes" to opportunities as often as I can, just to try things. But I am not necessarily saying "yes" to a lot of new obligations. I want to have enough time to sit in the garden, to contemplate what things in my life bring me joy, to soak up the sun and the birdsong. Traveling around to visit friends that I had not seen in a while was a really good thing for me early on. That lead to more vacation-type traveling. And it was great. But now I feel that I am ready to spend a summer working on things undone around my house, having the minor problems around the house fixed, getting rid of some things I don't need, etc. I want my home to feel more ordered and customized for me.

It takes a while to figure out how you are by yourself, and not part of a couple. And as you figure it out, if you are listening to your own feelings, you get more and more comfortable with living as a single person. That doesn't mean that you want to live on your own. Most of us would much rather have kept our spouses. But being that the option was not available, we have to learn to be comfortable with the new life that we now have. It can happen. Be persistent, but be very, very patient with your evolving self.
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Old 05-16-2018, 10:02 PM
 
Location: Mid-Atlantic
22,364 posts, read 21,386,967 times
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We don't have to.
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Old 05-18-2018, 06:58 AM
 
Location: Norfolk
1,564 posts, read 1,952,743 times
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Quote:
Originally Posted by tamiznluv View Post
Case in point. From the time we are conceived, we are dying actually. Why does it bother others that some people are content just waiting patiently for the Grim Reaper? Because they fear death? I'm a tad fearful but also don't care when my time will be. I am content to get up, have my coffee, watch all the wildlife that surrounds us, feed "Rocky" the racoon (by hand), roam around cyberspace, go to the store if need be. I don't see a thing wrong with my laid-back life. All that I am missing is time constraints, pressure and high blood pressure. So sue me.

Thanks for this post.

I am a hard-core introvert. I have one true friend and we talk or spend time together every day, but a couple hours a day with my friend is PLENTY. I also need time to be alone. Time to just sit and think. Time to watch TV (which turns off the emotional pain). Time to mourn, to grieve and hopefully, to heal.

I would like to get a part-time job at some point, but I also suffer from tremendous anxiety attacks. I don't think I'm ready to commit to a job. (My husband died traumatically and unexpectedly.)

So I am giving myself permission to heal and I am giving my introverted self permission to just "be" without rushing about madly.

We all grieve differently and we all heal differently.
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