U.S. CitiesCity-Data Forum Index
Go Back   City-Data Forum > General Forums > Grief and Mourning
 [Register]
Please register to participate in our discussions with 2 million other members - it's free and quick! Some forums can only be seen by registered members. After you create your account, you'll be able to customize options and access all our 15,000 new posts/day with fewer ads.
View detailed profile (Advanced) or search
site with Google Custom Search

Search Forums  (Advanced)
 
Old 05-15-2018, 10:10 PM
 
92 posts, read 35,074 times
Reputation: 147

Advertisements

I am an older single who is child free. Although I have always had a small friend base over my life, I was never as close to them as I was to some members of my family. I always enjoyed time spent with family and we were always tight and there for each other. Now, almost everyone is gone from this group, but one parent. When this parent passes away, I will have a sibling, their spouse, and their children, but it wonít be the same as having the others.

The thought of losing this parent gives me a sense of loss, fear, isolation, end of companionship, and despondency. Iím someone who has never been a social butterfly with non family and I am coming to realize that I am getting closer to becoming a forced loner when this parent dies and it puts a lump in my throat. Thankfully, this parent is in good health amd could live a productive life another five to ten years or so. It depends on their future health as it often does as people age. Iíve had people tell me to try to get married and that that will make a world of difference when this parent passes away. They say it will help me tremendously to have a spouse, when I eventually deal with the loss. I had always planned to marry anyway, but my career plans postponed things and kind of took over. Saying this, I am in a job I now hate and hope to transition to another type of employment. I will likely take a massive pay cut, if this happens.

I am posting on this board in hopes of getting some insight from those of you who have gone through what I will deal with later. What do you wish you had done to prepare for the loss of a loved one and your being left alone? What steps do you wish you had taken to prepare yourself?
Reply With Quote Quick reply to this message

 
Old 05-16-2018, 11:00 AM
 
Location: SWFL
21,061 posts, read 17,912,446 times
Reputation: 18375
Hi, Classic. I am not sure there IS any preparations you can make to try and escape grief. So many of us here lived with the knowledge our spouse was dying but it still didn't help us when the time came.

Both my mom and dad were shockers to me. Dad lived 12 years after Mom went. One day he was there, next day gone and had even gone to the doctor that past week. I had my husband, to lean on fortunately.

IDK WHAT you could do for the future except just accept that it is going to happen and learn to rely on yourself. I don't think getting married is a good solution. Perhaps making a new friend would be better. If you change jobs, that could be a real possibility.

Good luck. Hope you don't have to face this for a few years.
Reply With Quote Quick reply to this message
 
Old 05-16-2018, 01:25 PM
 
3,914 posts, read 5,192,798 times
Reputation: 4497
ClassicGal, I pretty much agree with Tami. There is nothing wrong with getting married, but it has to be for the right reasons. I would think that without love, a marriage of convenience is destined for failure. I really have no experience with this type of marriage, however. I have heard of people who have diverse marital arrangements, but if you are looking for marriage as a means to enrich your life with companionship, affirmation, and interdependence, then there has to be a deep love connection.

It does sound like you may be looking for a new job, and sometimes that can lead to social opportunities.

My experience is similar to Tami's in that as far as emotional preparation for the loss of a loved one, there really is no such thing. You can have plenty of warning, but the reality will hit you like a ton of bricks. There are, however, practical preparation that can be made. That includes things like financial and living arrangements, but also may include trying to expand your social circle. None of us can tell you what is right for you, but, depending on where you live, there can be lots of options. Here are a few: book clubs if you like to read, hiking or walking clubs, special interest groups (advocacy, rescue of animals, square dancing.......) also church, but not just going on Sunday. You would need to find a church that has a group that you would be interested in attending (knitting group, discussion of social topics, books, media, a group for community service of various kinds, cooking for events at the church, etc.) You can also join organizations like friends of the library, friends of a park or wildlife sanctuary (where you might learn to be a docent and/or do restoration and upkeep work.) Taking classes in areas that interest you can help you make connections sometimes, but sometimes everyone just sits there listening and no one talks to anyone else, and that is not so helpful. A class that is more active, like cooking or crafting are often better at this.
There really a lot of possibilities. But here are a few recommendations I have: Be willing to try something, be willing to say "that isn't right for me" and try something different, and be willing to invest in friendships. That means taking time to go out to lunch with new friends, offering to help with whatever, and being willing to initiate activities rather than waiting for others to call you. Being an active participant and making friendships doesn't happen over night. It takes thought, sensitivity (to yourself as well as to others) and time.

Good luck.
Reply With Quote Quick reply to this message
 
Old 05-23-2018, 09:35 AM
 
92 posts, read 35,074 times
Reputation: 147
Thanks for the input. Just to clarify, by saying I have always had a small friend base, I meant my closest friends and not my overall connections I spend time with at group functions or keep contact with in life. I am not a social butterfly in the sense that I don’t need constant away from home activities with others. When I am involved in social activities, I am sometimes the one who organizes things for the friends getting together. I guess, for me, nothing has ever compared to family relationships. To me, it’s like a best friend relationship for some people. This is the best example I can use as a comparison. You may have friends, but there is something extra special, valued, and close in a best friend. Thst is how I am about my family relationships as compared to my feelings about the friend ones. It is nice to know that a message board like this exists for when I do experience the loss of a cherished loved one. Thanks again to all for taking the time to respond.
Reply With Quote Quick reply to this message
 
Old 05-23-2018, 11:29 AM
 
Location: Nantahala National Forest, NC
15,197 posts, read 3,091,227 times
Reputation: 21178
Quote:
Originally Posted by ClassicGal View Post
I am an older single who is child free. Although I have always had a small friend base over my life, I was never as close to them as I was to some members of my family. I always enjoyed time spent with family and we were always tight and there for each other. Now, almost everyone is gone from this group, but one parent. When this parent passes away, I will have a sibling, their spouse, and their children, but it wonít be the same as having the others.

The thought of losing this parent gives me a sense of loss, fear, isolation, end of companionship, and despondency. Iím someone who has never been a social butterfly with non family and I am coming to realize that I am getting closer to becoming a forced loner when this parent dies and it puts a lump in my throat. Thankfully, this parent is in good health amd could live a productive life another five to ten years or so. It depends on their future health as it often does as people age. Iíve had people tell me to try to get married and that that will make a world of difference when this parent passes away. They say it will help me tremendously to have a spouse, when I eventually deal with the loss. I had always planned to marry anyway, but my career plans postponed things and kind of took over. Saying this, I am in a job I now hate and hope to transition to another type of employment. I will likely take a massive pay cut, if this happens.

I am posting on this board in hopes of getting some insight from those of you who have gone through what I will deal with later. What do you wish you had done to prepare for the loss of a loved one and your being left alone? What steps do you wish you had taken to prepare yourself?



I don't feel I could have prepared, really. My father was going through cancer treatments for the second time, so physical deterioration and death was of course on my mind. Then, my mother up and had a massive stroke and died while my dad was trying to deal with cancer...

Losing both parents the same year was overwhelming but you deal with what's before you. I was married at the time and honestly got no support from him, so marriage doesn't protect you from anything. Holidays are hard at first but over the years, the pain eases off. Time...does heal.

Find support where you can...pets, *support groups for those with grief after significant loss, etc. I found just being alone with my thoughts helped as well, in addition to frequent walking and exercise but I'm a loner so that might not sound like a comfort to you. A support grp after divorce helped me significantly, everyone there going through the same as you.
Reply With Quote Quick reply to this message
 
Old 05-24-2018, 10:20 AM
 
Location: SWFL
21,061 posts, read 17,912,446 times
Reputation: 18375
I'm sorry about your parents, greatblue.
Reply With Quote Quick reply to this message
 
Old 05-24-2018, 10:30 AM
 
Location: Nantahala National Forest, NC
15,197 posts, read 3,091,227 times
Reputation: 21178
Quote:
Originally Posted by tamiznluv View Post
I'm sorry about your parents, greatblue.


Thank you, tamizinluv....it's been quite a few years ago now...
Reply With Quote Quick reply to this message
 
Old 05-24-2018, 04:00 PM
 
Location: SWFL
21,061 posts, read 17,912,446 times
Reputation: 18375
Quote:
Originally Posted by greatblueheron View Post
Thank you, tamizinluv....it's been quite a few years ago now...
Doesn't matter to me, gbh. I figured it was a long time ago but I still wanted to say I was sorry.
Reply With Quote Quick reply to this message
Please register to post and access all features of our very popular forum. It is free and quick. Over $68,000 in prizes has already been given out to active posters on our forum. Additional giveaways are planned.

Detailed information about all U.S. cities, counties, and zip codes on our site: City-data.com.


Reply
Please update this thread with any new information or opinions. This open thread is still read by thousands of people, so we encourage all additional points of view.

Quick Reply
Message:

Over $104,000 in prizes was already given out to active posters on our forum and additional giveaways are planned!

Go Back   City-Data Forum > General Forums > Grief and Mourning
Follow City-Data.com founder on our Forum or

All times are GMT -6.

© 2005-2017, Advameg, Inc.

City-Data.com - Archive 1, 2, 3, 4, 5, 6, 7, 8, 9, 10, 11, 12, 13, 14, 15, 16, 17, 18, 19, 20, 21, 22, 23, 24, 25, 26, 27, 28, 29, 30, 31, 32, 33, 34, 35 - Top