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Old 05-27-2018, 05:34 PM
Status: "Soon I'll hear old winter's song.." (set 15 days ago)
Location: Saint Paul, MN
5,391 posts, read 2,847,123 times
Reputation: 7086



Great grandma in 2006
Great grandpa in 2009
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Old 05-27-2018, 05:59 PM
Location: Wisconsin
16,477 posts, read 15,913,707 times
Reputation: 38745
Originally Posted by movingvanmorrison View Post
I think the "wake" thing makes much more sense. I would be more likely to go to a wake where it is a celebration of a person's life, as opposed to a scene such as a funeral where it's all about crying and the END of the person's life.

I heard a quote once that a death should be seen as like the end of a concert, where it's over but you walk out thinking how great it was.

Unfortunately most funerals do not take this approach, the idea seems to me that a funeral is for being sad, and supporting others in their sadness nothing more (again I have not attended any but have seen them on tv and in movies and heard people talk about them.)

I think one reason I don't like funerals and won't attend them is because I would grieve and cry in front of people, then have to try to "hold it together" and ... all that seems like too much of a drama scene to me and better to grieve at home alone. IMHO, for ME.
IMHO, most funerals in real life are not the way that they are portrayed on TV or in the movies. Almost all of the funerals that I have attended in recent years have huge photo displays or videos showing the happy times and milestones of that person's life. During my husband's recent funeral, when you include the visitation, after-funeral meal and burial there were far more sharing of good memories, and even laughter, than there was crying. There was sadness and grief, but no one, including me, had to "hold it together".

A good example of this was when my MIL passed away. Her standard comment to people who visited her house was "Have a banana, the potassium is good for you." She requested that at her funeral there would be bunches of bananas as soon as people walked into the funeral home. It was amazing how many people got a smile on their face when they saw the bananas and shared a happy memory about the last time that she said that to them or about her other "funny comments". Yes, there was sadness and yes, there was grief but there was also the realization that she had lived a long, full life among people who loved her and cared about her.

Everyone is different. But, I wanted to point out that, at least the funerals/memorials that I have attended are nothing at all like the ones that you see on TV or in the movies, where there is wailing, and crying & screaming, mourners throwing themselves in the open casket, etc. etc. In fact, I can not recall ever seeing any "drama" at a funeral. Others, may have different experiences.

Now, some funerals are sadder than others, such as when a child or teenager dies, but, IMHO, it is especially important to attend those funerals to support the parents and other relatives.
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Old 05-27-2018, 06:38 PM
Location: Canada
5,796 posts, read 2,152,412 times
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Originally Posted by GiGi603 View Post
Have no idea--plenty. As a child we went to a lot of them. The older generation was dying off.
I am a particular European descent (a small, strong Country), we have an entire community of people.
There is always a Wake. In many ways it is a good time--people gathering together and sharing good memories.
I started going to funerals when about 6-7 years OLD.. I found rather enlightening to see so many coming to see my grandparents off ... but thru the years it morphed into more of a"Celebration of Life" when wonderful stories about the deceased would be remembered/expressed + coming to actually meet those who either worked with them.. or had their life directly affected by them. That's what I chose to remember in positive way.

My Count to date is dozens. The last one was my eldest son.. and boy, did I learn how he touched so many lives in so many wonderful ways ( which I would have never known about) that while I was hurting on the inside.. I actually felt good too!! I knew he was a "Special young man" (41)> But it became so apparent the passion and condolences were appreciated! (No parent should have to put to rest their child )

But, I do have to say, Funerals/Celebration of life has evolved over the past 60 years!! I am thankful for that in not such a small way!
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Old 05-27-2018, 06:44 PM
Location: Texas or Cascais, Portugal
3,045 posts, read 2,883,961 times
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At least 50 funeralsand Iím in my late 50ís now but, being gay in the 80s and early 90s I watched many friends die.
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Old 05-27-2018, 07:34 PM
Location: Tennessee
20,958 posts, read 15,275,811 times
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I'm 32. Probably at least one dozen - maybe a dozen and a half. There was a steak from like 2008-2012 where most of my great aunts and uncles died. 3/4 my grandparents are still alive. A friend died a few years ago - a coworker's father was more recent. It's probably been at least two years since I went to one.
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Old 05-27-2018, 08:03 PM
5,529 posts, read 1,947,601 times
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I'm 61 and I've been to at least 25-30, maybe more.
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Old 05-27-2018, 09:22 PM
Location: Ocean Shores, WA
5,082 posts, read 12,579,535 times
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I am 78 and have never been to a funeral.

My family uses a body disposal service that comes and picks up the carcass, cremates it, and dumps the ashes.
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Old 05-27-2018, 10:45 PM
Status: "Even better than okay" (set 8 days ago)
Location: Coastal New Jersey
51,210 posts, read 50,499,962 times
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Originally Posted by germaine2626 View Post
I read the poster that did not "do" funerals because he felt that that they were "dumb" and did not attend the funerals of his mother, father and any of his grandparents and aunts & uncles and friends. But, does plan to attend his wife's funeral. So, his wife's funeral will not be "dumb" but every other funeral was/will be dumb? I wonder if his attitude will change after his wife dies and he holds a funeral for her? I wonder if his friends and relatives will decide that funerals are "dumb" and that they don't "do" funerals either when it is his turn to receive comfort and support? I wonder.

I attend a widow/widowers grief support group, as my husband of 40 years passed away five months ago. This topic came up in our discussion this past week. Several people expressed regret and shame at the callous way they acted towards others who had lost a spouse because they "just did not understand the depths of grief and despair of being a widow/widower" until they lost their own spouse.

I have heard other people say similar things. "I don't attend funerals". "I don't see the point of funerals". etc. etc. And I wonder if their attitude would be different after their loved dies and they receive the closure and support that a funeral or a memorial service can give to a survivor? Maybe, maybe not, as everyone is different, everyone's family is different. Just something that I was thinking about this week.
I wondered about that, too. I have a friend who was an "I hate funerals" person. She did not come to the visitation or funeral for my father, but instead came up a few days later to take me to lunch, which was nice.

But, her mother just died a few months ago. A lot of people showed up for the memorial service (she wanted no viewing, just cremation, a Catholic memorial service, and then a happy hour for people to gather and have a good time.) I wondered at the time if she understands now how appreciative one feels when people show up to express their sympathy.
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Old 05-27-2018, 11:44 PM
Location: Majestic Wyoming
499 posts, read 241,472 times
Reputation: 1345
I'll be 40 in July and I've been to two. My husband's aunt well over a decade ago, and my uncle's who passed away from complications from the flu in January.

Neither funeral was something that I would want. I'm looking for a Wake/Celebration of life sort of goodbye, rather than a sad, religious boo-hoofest. Hubby knows what I want and I trust him to make it happen.
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Old 05-28-2018, 09:50 AM
Location: Southern Most New Jersey
944 posts, read 697,402 times
Reputation: 1393
I can no longer do viewings/funerals.

My father's passing was tough. Long term decline/finally stage Parkinson's. Passed in a clean, respected nursing home. My mom and I were doing 12 hour watch shifts for three days. He passed when I took mom home/on my way back. My understanding - that is sometimes how some of the passing want it. The staff could have cleaned him up. I doubt God is going to have any mercy on those 2 RNs souls.

Five years later I went to a viewing for a friends 10 year old granddaughter killed in a car crash. Beautiful/always happy little girl/tons of smiles. Viewing was so slow I stood in front of her open casket for 45 minutes. My last memory of her was her running down my friends porch, tons of smiles.

A good friends husband passed early this year. I grew to like/respect the man thru our conversations. Always a smile and kind word toward me. I could not go to his viewing. His wife was a friend, probably upset with me. I sent her a handwritten note explaining.

Everyone handles grief different, please respect that.


This thread has given me much needed reflection. Dropping of C-D for while. Best wishes to my friends here. Steve
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