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Old 06-29-2018, 04:35 AM
 
24,619 posts, read 22,569,614 times
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Quote:
Originally Posted by Gerania View Post
Laughing wasn't a problem for me. Being sick when I was alone was a big deal. There was no one to feed me, drive me to a medial visit, or pick up a prescription.
yes, that used to be the one time I missed having someone there....but no longer feel like that..you manage some how to get by.

Hugs Gerania....
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Old 06-29-2018, 04:42 AM
 
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Quote:
Originally Posted by SunGrins View Post
I had to learn how to say "yes" to social invitations when I felt like staying home and withdrawing into myself. My wife was the social one but I focused on a small group of friends and most were 100 miles away. Grief filled the hole left by the loss of my wife and it became a shadowy companion. I got accustomed to it. My daughter was going through the same feelings so we fed off of each other's grief. After a year I had to force myself to make local friends and get out socially. Learning to say ''yes " was the key and probably saved me.


I do think men tend to react to grief by staying busy at least in the beginning. In the process they might lose touch with social connections. Friends and relatives and acquaintances should not stop asking or inviting someone in this situation in spite of their reluctance to be socially involved. They will eventually appreciate the invitations.
I remember, the horrible shock it is the system, being alone, feeling empty, afraid of what laid ahead...you know what I noticed...I didn't see colors anymore...and never realized it, until one day it was a lovely spring day, oh, maybe 2 or 3 years after...I was sitting on my back porch and all of a sudden, I felt the sun, and saw its reflection off the tin roof of the barn, and the lovely brown boards of the barn, how green the grass was, and the sky was so azure blue, not a cloud in the sky...and realized, I had not seen colors, that I was actually living in a sort of darkness...for a long time...

My son & his now ex, were having a party. They had a friend who was single, and they were inviting all couples to the event. He mentioned this friend to me, who was now single, and that they didn't want to make him feel uncomfortable, b/c it was all couples, but felt bad about not inviting him. Being single myself now, I suggested, hey, invite him and allow him to make the decision to come or not. Reaffirm to him that he isn't under any obligation, but if he can make it, fine, if not, fine to.

When in doubt, invite people and allow them to decide, don't make the decison for them.
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Old 06-29-2018, 04:46 AM
 
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Quote:
Originally Posted by WoundedSpirit View Post
I believe for the most part and for most people this is true, but sometimes it's not.

My best friend lost her husband suddenly in a car wreck. Knowing the kind of person her husband was, I know he would have wanted her to grieve for him for the rest of her life, never pursuing love or happiness because he believed he was the be-all and end-all of everything she needed as far as he was concerned. She and I used to take yearly camping trips, and he was horrified that she could even consider that she would be able to enjoy herself without his presence.

I am not saying he was a bad person, because he was not. He was loyal, hardworking, and would do anything to help a friend in need. But he truly felt that her world should revolve around him, and to some extent it did. After he died, although it crushed her and her grief was deep and real, she also felt a new sort of freedom. She grieved for him for several years, but she is now in a good relationship with her very first boyfriend from high school, and seems to be happy. I am so proud of her that she was able to go on for her own sake.
That is very hard for me to understand, and seems a bit selfish that he wouldn't want his wife to make her own decision about something like that...I wouldn't want anyone I loved to be alone if they didn't want to. And in the same, I've known so many woman who have lost their husbands and have now chose to live life alone. I believe b/c they have a comfortable network of other single woman...whom they can ask for help if need be. I believe that is also very important, is to re-kindle your network of friends...as some couples, not all, but some, kind of shy away from friends? Not for any other reason, except they just want to be together.
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Old 06-29-2018, 04:49 AM
 
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Quote:
Originally Posted by tamiznluv View Post
Love your post, gbh.

Oh, I so hear you about being alone when sick, Gerania! That is the pits. I spent 3 days this past Fall sleeping in my recliner, only getting up to go to the bathroom because I was so sick. No food, no smokes, no nada. I almost thought I was going to expire myself in that chair. It sucked.
Shortly after I bought my new home, I ate a hoagie, and got the worst case of food poisoning, I've ever had in my life. I wasn't even able to take my dog out...fortunately I have some very kind neighbors. But I mean to tell you, it lasted a week, and actually thought I was dying. Awful, I was so dehydrated, had to go to the emergency room twice.

Yes, it did suck....something awful....
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Old 06-29-2018, 05:19 AM
 
Location: northern New England
1,384 posts, read 552,935 times
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After 3.5 years of being without my DH, I do enjoy life, my "new normal." I'm not sure he would want me to re-marry, he was very big on loyalty. And I know I would NOT want to re-marry. Maybe have a friend but I see no reason to marry at my age (61). Anyway the guys are not exactly beating my door down. Only interest I have had is from romance scammers on Facebook!! And I shut them down pretty quick.


I still find myself tearing up at the least thing, looking at a recipe I used to make for him, a song... Yesterday my elderly neighbor came home from the hospital by ambulance to have hospice. Brought back such sad memories of when my DH did the same.
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Old 06-29-2018, 03:17 PM
 
Location: Tulare County, Ca
959 posts, read 558,843 times
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Quote:
Originally Posted by Gerania View Post
Laughing wasn't a problem for me. Being sick when I was alone was a big deal. There was no one to feed me, drive me to a medial visit, or pick up a prescription.



I hear ya Gerania. That's me too.
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Old 06-29-2018, 04:40 PM
 
Location: Hoping to settle down.
20,852 posts, read 17,655,310 times
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Quote:
Originally Posted by cremebrulee View Post
That is very hard for me to understand, and seems a bit selfish that he wouldn't want his wife to make her own decision about something like that...I wouldn't want anyone I loved to be alone if they didn't want to. And in the same, I've known so many woman who have lost their husbands and have now chose to live life alone. I believe b/c they have a comfortable network of other single woman...whom they can ask for help if need be. I believe that is also very important, is to re-kindle your network of friends...as some couples, not all, but some, kind of shy away from friends? Not for any other reason, except they just want to be together.
Not all widows have a network of friends. I choose to be alone. I always have been except when married, I am comfortable with it. No problem.
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Old 07-02-2018, 10:03 PM
 
Location: Mid-Atlantic
21,785 posts, read 20,829,438 times
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Quote:
Originally Posted by cremebrulee View Post
I remember, the horrible shock it is the system, being alone, feeling empty, afraid of what laid ahead...you know what I noticed...I didn't see colors anymore...and never realized it, until one day it was a lovely spring day, oh, maybe 2 or 3 years after...I was sitting on my back porch and all of a sudden, I felt the sun, and saw its reflection off the tin roof of the barn, and the lovely brown boards of the barn, how green the grass was, and the sky was so azure blue, not a cloud in the sky...and realized, I had not seen colors, that I was actually living in a sort of darkness...for a long time...

My son & his now ex, were having a party. They had a friend who was single, and they were inviting all couples to the event. He mentioned this friend to me, who was now single, and that they didn't want to make him feel uncomfortable, b/c it was all couples, but felt bad about not inviting him. Being single myself now, I suggested, hey, invite him and allow him to make the decision to come or not. Reaffirm to him that he isn't under any obligation, but if he can make it, fine, if not, fine to.

When in doubt, invite people and allow them to decide, don't make the decison for them.
I agree. People stopped inviting me to parties because I was suddenly single. Did they think I was going to hit on their husband? These people had been friends for years, and they pretty much dropped me.

It was different, but sort of like that for me. One day I really enjoyed something that I ate. I couldn't tell you what I had swallowed in the months leading up to that. Something that had calories. I lost a lot of weight.
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Old 07-03-2018, 01:19 AM
 
3,848 posts, read 5,108,126 times
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Quote:
Originally Posted by Gerania View Post
I agree. People stopped inviting me to parties because I was suddenly single. Did they think I was going to hit on their husband? These people had been friends for years, and they pretty much dropped me.
This statement made me think...why did that not happen to me? I think because pretty much ALL of my woman friends I met while doing activities without their husbands. Volunteering, going out on nature hikes, people at work, people at church. Even the couples in our marriage encounter group did not do everything together - the wives often went to lunch together without the husbands. My husband and I had different interests, and were happy that way. We went to activities with other couples maybe once or twice a month. I have literally NO friends that I socialized with only as a couple. So I had not one friend that "dropped me" when my husband died. My friends now are all different kinds: married, widowed, divorced. But now that I think of it, I have no friends who were never married. Interesting. I don't know the reason for that. So I have a pretty robust network of friends, but it wasn't like that when I was a younger wife. Working and being a mom pretty much kept me from all those independent activities. I suppose that if my husband had died when I was 32, or even 42, instead of 62, I would have been more isolated. As I am retired, I have more time to spend with friends, to cultivate those networks and to develop my interests.
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Old 07-03-2018, 05:21 AM
 
24,619 posts, read 22,569,614 times
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Quote:
Originally Posted by G Grasshopper View Post
This statement made me think...why did that not happen to me? I think because pretty much ALL of my woman friends I met while doing activities without their husbands. Volunteering, going out on nature hikes, people at work, people at church. Even the couples in our marriage encounter group did not do everything together - the wives often went to lunch together without the husbands. My husband and I had different interests, and were happy that way. We went to activities with other couples maybe once or twice a month. I have literally NO friends that I socialized with only as a couple. So I had not one friend that "dropped me" when my husband died. My friends now are all different kinds: married, widowed, divorced. But now that I think of it, I have no friends who were never married. Interesting. I don't know the reason for that. So I have a pretty robust network of friends, but it wasn't like that when I was a younger wife. Working and being a mom pretty much kept me from all those independent activities. I suppose that if my husband had died when I was 32, or even 42, instead of 62, I would have been more isolated. As I am retired, I have more time to spend with friends, to cultivate those networks and to develop my interests.
My girlfriend, now gone, worked in an active 55+ community. She was the social director.
We were discussing this issue once. I explained to her, that when I left my husband, it caused our friends to chose sides. Unfortunately, the husband usually goes where the wife goes, or doesn't want to go. And so, a lot of them chose my ex, even though they knew he ran around...why?

She explained, that while in her position, she to observed this.....if a wife passed away, the cliche, that hung around together, put together meals, and invited the husband of the deceased wife, to where ever they were, but if the husband died, the wife, usually sat alone at a table all by herself, b/c the cliche they were in, no longer invited her.

And yes, the woman feared this single woman. Now, not all woman are like that, but the majority are.
They will no longer invite the wife, but if the wife passes on, they will do everything they can to help the survivor who is a man.

Yes, indeed, it does happen.
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