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I recently watched as a man we knew, lost his lifetime partner to cancer, and the sadness and pain he was going thru.
So many of his friends suggested to him to stay busy....and he had a large network of friends who encouraged him to come visit them, in other states and other countries...so he did and was so happy he did so, it helped him get thru the grieving process...but does one ever get thru it? I don't believe they do...but life must go on...
within this process there is a danger, that most I don't believe think about...and that is this....
Grieve as long as you need to...the pain of loss never goes away, but it does subside to a degree, depending on the individual and the loss....be it a child, mother, partner, friend...we all grieve differently and no one can put a time limit on that grieving process....
Just please remember one thing....your lost loved one would never ever want you to go thru the rest of your life afraid to laugh again for fear of being disloyal to that person you lost. Some never realize, that it's ok to laugh again, to love again, to travel, to be happy....your lost loved one would not ever want you to spend, and waste the rest of your life in fear of enjoying life...would you? If you knew you were passing, your great love for that person would expect that person to live on...to enjoy lift to it's fullest, and that is what we have to do...encourage those who have lost loved ones to live again, and to laugh again, to let go of the pain and be thankful that you experienced that kind of love.
I remember being afraid to laugh, to be happy, for fear of being disloyal to the one I had lost....not true...
and the reason I opened this thread...to some how try and help those who have lost a loved one.
Walking through the woods, you fall into a hole.
You do this over and over again.
Finally, walking through the woods you come upon the hole and go around it.
It's still there, you are aware, but you've learned to proceed....
You don't forget the hole but you learn to acknowledge it, move around it and continue living your life.
Grieve as long as needed. Then step around that hole and grasp what you can from life.
Walking through the woods, you fall into a hole.
You do this over and over again.
Finally, walking through the woods you come upon the hole and go around it.
It's still there, you are aware, but you've learned to proceed....
You don't forget the hole but you learn to acknowledge it, move around it and continue living your life.
Grieve as long as needed. Then step around that hole and grasp what you can from life.
"Just please remember one thing....your lost loved one would never ever want you to go thru the rest of your life afraid to laugh again for fear of being disloyal to that person you lost. Some never realize, that it's ok to laugh again, to love again, ..."
While your sentiment is compassionate and heartfelt, generalizations can have flaws. There are some of the fundamentalist religions that are very strict on the concept of a single marriage and fidelity to that marriage even beyond death. There are people outside of those religions, some of whom post here, that have recognized that they do not wish to have any further romantic entanglements after the death of a spouse. Those are acceptable choices as well. In many of those cases, it isn't a question of never realizing, but considered action.
"Being disloyal": Not everyone views this the same way. It is a complex subject, with many possible links and implications, including self-worth, restrictions on behavior (artificial or based on practicality), values, belief in any afterlife, and social context, such as children or group membership. Every individual has to work out their own path through this, and it can be a difficult part of the grief process to figure out what is and isn't disloyal - not only to the deceased, but to the surviving spouse. When minor children are involved, the fallout from death of a parent can have similarities to that of a divorce, and caution and prudence be important for their well-being.
Laughing wasn't a problem for me. Being sick when I was alone was a big deal. There was no one to feed me, drive me to a medial visit, or pick up a prescription.
I had to learn how to say "yes" to social invitations when I felt like staying home and withdrawing into myself. My wife was the social one but I focused on a small group of friends and most were 100 miles away. Grief filled the hole left by the loss of my wife and it became a shadowy companion. I got accustomed to it. My daughter was going through the same feelings so we fed off of each other's grief. After a year I had to force myself to make local friends and get out socially. Learning to say ''yes " was the key and probably saved me.
I do think men tend to react to grief by staying busy at least in the beginning. In the process they might lose touch with social connections. Friends and relatives and acquaintances should not stop asking or inviting someone in this situation in spite of their reluctance to be socially involved. They will eventually appreciate the invitations.
Just please remember one thing....your lost loved one would never ever want you to go thru the rest of your life afraid to laugh again for fear of being disloyal to that person you lost. Some never realize, that it's ok to laugh again, to love again, to travel, to be happy....your lost loved one would not ever want you to spend, and waste the rest of your life in fear of enjoying life...would you?
I believe for the most part and for most people this is true, but sometimes it's not.
My best friend lost her husband suddenly in a car wreck. Knowing the kind of person her husband was, I know he would have wanted her to grieve for him for the rest of her life, never pursuing love or happiness because he believed he was the be-all and end-all of everything she needed as far as he was concerned. She and I used to take yearly camping trips, and he was horrified that she could even consider that she would be able to enjoy herself without his presence.
I am not saying he was a bad person, because he was not. He was loyal, hardworking, and would do anything to help a friend in need. But he truly felt that her world should revolve around him, and to some extent it did. After he died, although it crushed her and her grief was deep and real, she also felt a new sort of freedom. She grieved for him for several years, but she is now in a good relationship with her very first boyfriend from high school, and seems to be happy. I am so proud of her that she was able to go on for her own sake.
Walking through the woods, you fall into a hole.
You do this over and over again.
Finally, walking through the woods you come upon the hole and go around it.
It's still there, you are aware, but you've learned to proceed....
You don't forget the hole but you learn to acknowledge it, move around it and continue living your life.
Grieve as long as needed. Then step around that hole and grasp what you can from life.
Quote:
Originally Posted by Gerania
Laughing wasn't a problem for me. Being sick when I was alone was a big deal. There was no one to feed me, drive me to a medial visit, or pick up a prescription.
Love your post, gbh.
Oh, I so hear you about being alone when sick, Gerania! That is the pits. I spent 3 days this past Fall sleeping in my recliner, only getting up to go to the bathroom because I was so sick. No food, no smokes, no nada. I almost thought I was going to expire myself in that chair. It sucked.
I believe for the most part and for most people this is true, but sometimes it's not.
My best friend lost her husband suddenly in a car wreck. Knowing the kind of person her husband was, I know he would have wanted her to grieve for him for the rest of her life, never pursuing love or happiness because he believed he was the be-all and end-all of everything she needed as far as he was concerned. She and I used to take yearly camping trips, and he was horrified that she could even consider that she would be able to enjoy herself without his presence.
I am not saying he was a bad person, because he was not. He was loyal, hardworking, and would do anything to help a friend in need. But he truly felt that her world should revolve around him, and to some extent it did. After he died, although it crushed her and her grief was deep and real, she also felt a new sort of freedom. She grieved for him for several years, but she is now in a good relationship with her very first boyfriend from high school, and seems to be happy. I am so proud of her that she was able to go on for her own sake.
yanno, I heard that happened to a co-worker, she married again, eventually and it was her childhood sweetheart....
While your sentiment is compassionate and heartfelt, generalizations can have flaws. There are some of the fundamentalist religions that are very strict on the concept of a single marriage and fidelity to that marriage even beyond death. There are people outside of those religions, some of whom post here, that have recognized that they do not wish to have any further romantic entanglements after the death of a spouse. Those are acceptable choices as well. In many of those cases, it isn't a question of never realizing, but considered action.
Yes Harry, and thank you for posting. I realize that one size doesn't ever fit all, and I don't know why, but when I write, and perhaps it's me, some people always seems to think that I'm referring to everyone....never, b/c we are not all made alike, we all grieve differently, you cannot put a time limit on grieving, it depends on the individual...and yes, it is a very complex subject, filled with all kinds of emotions, confusion, anger, rejection from the person who left us, depression, believe me, it is the most difficult part of life, I believe.
I wrote this, b/c one day, I wanted to laugh, and I stopped, and wondered why, and then realized, I feared having fun...feared that I would be disloyal to my loved one...and thought on this for a while, and realized, that real love wouldn't want me to feel this way...love wants their spouse to go on, to live and love again, and when I say love again, I don't necessarily mean finding another spouse...but to just allow ourselves to trust in love...
I'm very sorry if I offended you or anyone else....but believe me, if you would be so kind, didn't mean to generalize, just wanted to point out something I went thru and thought perhaps it might be of some help to some. I should write, that, b/c this isn't the first time this has happened...
thank you for your kindness.
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