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Old 09-30-2018, 10:31 AM
 
7,960 posts, read 17,578,551 times
Reputation: 2567

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ERH, thank you for your honesty. It was educational.

JanND,

On a scale of 1 (stranger) to 10 (father figure), I would have considered myself to be a 6 with one and a 4 with the other. I thought that would merit at least a decent amount of respect.

I presume that my wife expressed to them the same wish she shared with me for all of us to continue bonded as a family. I wasn’t there to gauge their response or nonverbal cues.

Nonetheless, I am comforted by the fact that I did what I could to maximize my wife’s final days by mdoinf what she wanted to do. Thank you for reaffirming that.

There are issues more specific to the loss of my wife that I am working through. I have found solace in some of the threads in this forum. I will take a look at the links you shared which me. Thank you very much.
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Old 09-30-2018, 05:35 PM
 
517 posts, read 201,468 times
Reputation: 807
..."they encouraged us to instead rent a small apartment very close to them and I "could do what [i] want" after my wife's time had come."...

well, at least they didn't lie to you.
bottom line: do what you want.
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Old 09-30-2018, 05:49 PM
 
7,960 posts, read 17,578,551 times
Reputation: 2567
Quote:
Originally Posted by turkeydance View Post
..."they encouraged us to instead rent a small apartment very close to them and I "could do what [i] want" after my wife's time had come."...

well, at least they didn't lie to you.
bottom line: do what you want.
They did lie, or perhaps deceive, in that they waited until we moved here to say that. My wife and I were both confused and didn't understand why they would say that. I was left to interpret that and other clues after she passed.

Last edited by FindingZen; 09-30-2018 at 06:05 PM..
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Old 10-01-2018, 12:09 AM
 
Location: colorado springs, CO
3,971 posts, read 1,754,643 times
Reputation: 13697
I think this is a terrible situation & you have every right to feel betrayed!

Iím sure you were never confused about being a ďreplacementĒ for their dad & their dad; obviously, was not the one caregiving for their mother. Come to think of it; neither were they.

I think they are clueless of how self-mitigating caregiving can be. Iím not saying they owe you but ... well; yes I am. I believe they owe you some respect & not just going through the motions but actually feeling gratitude & admiration.

I know, we canít change other people. I just wanted to validate you. I think itís an awful situation.
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Old 10-01-2018, 01:00 AM
 
5,360 posts, read 3,347,994 times
Reputation: 20188
Quote:
Originally Posted by coschristi View Post
I think this is a terrible situation & you have every right to feel betrayed!

I agree.

It seems this was a set-up for the convenience of the children, with no thought to what a newly-bereaved husband might be feeling.

I would not want to know these people.
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Old 10-01-2018, 06:39 AM
 
97 posts, read 22,414 times
Reputation: 355
I don't have much advice to offer here, but you do have my condolences--both on the loss of your wife and on the loss of a continuing relationship--even a somewhat distant one--with your stepchildren. Granted, I don't know that full dynamics of the relationship that you and your deceased wife had with her children while she was living (and still in good health), but to me, it seems rather cold that they'd not wish to remain in contact with you. To help to go through her things To share memories.

Hugs and best wishes for healing as you go through the process of grieving not only for your wife, but for the lost opportunity of a continuing relationship with your stepchildren. Someday, they might understand how you're feeling...or not, as empathy isn't many people's strong suit.
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Old 10-01-2018, 08:56 AM
 
Location: East Cobb, GA
754 posts, read 309,951 times
Reputation: 1118
If your late wife's children are only a few years younger than you, it could just be a function of that they don’t see you as a father in any capacity and just don’t want you a relationship with you.
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Old 10-01-2018, 10:26 AM
 
Location: Noblesville, IN
3,687 posts, read 3,914,776 times
Reputation: 6122
Quote:
Originally Posted by Soccernerd View Post
If your late wife's children are only a few years younger than you, it could just be a function of that they don’t see you as a father in any capacity and just don’t want you a relationship with you.
Possibly but who cares? Not to sound harsh, but the point is that they've cut off contact. At the very least, it seems they should offer some respect for THEIR MOTHER. That they can't, or won't, seems very sad to me. I'm sorry OP - I imagine this is very difficult. I hope your support group can help you.

Do you have any children yourself? How has your family been? I know moving can be hard, but being in a new place where you only have sad memories (I assume) seems harder to me. Perhaps the "business of moving" elsewhere can occupy some of your thoughts and get you to a place where you can find some peace.

Good luck!
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Old 10-01-2018, 11:11 AM
 
Location: Cochise county, AZ
4,511 posts, read 2,978,577 times
Reputation: 9201
I hope the grief group helps you. I'm sure they will tell you or you may know, it often takes grief a year or more before you can make some realistic decisions. Give yourself time.

Her children may not have considered you more than your wife's husband and not a part of their family. That's what it sounds like to me. I certainly understand the pain of that for you. Unfortunately, you have no control over their actions.

You know you did what you did for the sake of your wife. I hope that will be compensation enough for you once you begin healing from your grief.
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Old 10-01-2018, 11:51 AM
 
Location: Canada
5,083 posts, read 3,611,152 times
Reputation: 13397
First, I'm so sorry for your loss. You have found yourself in a sad situation all around.

My observations have been that unless a child is raised by a step-parent from a young age, most children don't keep up with the step parent after their birth parent passes on. This is not to say that they don't love them, but life is busy (especially if they have kids) and time is precious if they are working.

I think when you feel ready, you should pack back up and move back to where you are comfortable. Hopefully, you can downsize the things you have to take and can sell or give away a lot of other things.

I'm glad to hear that you are seeking help with a grieving group and a therapist.

Take as much time as you need to grieve before you even think about packing and moving, unless you think it might help keeping busy to get your mind off things.

Good luck and I hope some day you will be feeling much better.
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