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Old 10-01-2018, 11:53 AM
 
4,104 posts, read 3,444,432 times
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This is tough. It sounds like a big miscommunication. It is too bad that you purchased rather than rented. Buying & selling is stressful in itself. Your emotions and everyone else's must be running on high.

But I just do not read anything posted as a betrayal. Do you think maybe you had unrealistic expectations for what the future would be like?

Try to seek your way through the help of a grief support group & a bit of counseling. Give yourself some time to find a new normal.
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Old 10-01-2018, 01:10 PM
 
7,960 posts, read 17,597,743 times
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Quote:
Originally Posted by coschristi View Post
I think this is a terrible situation & you have every right to feel betrayed!

Iím sure you were never confused about being a ďreplacementĒ for their dad & their dad; obviously, was not the one caregiving for their mother. Come to think of it; neither were they.

I think they are clueless of how self-mitigating caregiving can be. Iím not saying they owe you but ... well; yes I am. I believe they owe you some respect & not just going through the motions but actually feeling gratitude & admiration.

I know, we canít change other people. I just wanted to validate you. I think itís an awful situation.
Thank you, coschristi.

No, I definitely did not see myself as her daughters' father. I did look upon myself as a quasi-grandfather. I know that's what my wife wanted.

Yes, I don't think they had an idea of how increasingly difficult the last several years had been for their mother and me.
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Old 10-01-2018, 01:15 PM
 
7,960 posts, read 17,597,743 times
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Quote:
Originally Posted by Formerly Known As Twenty View Post
I don't have much advice to offer here, but you do have my condolences--both on the loss of your wife and on the loss of a continuing relationship--even a somewhat distant one--with your stepchildren. Granted, I don't know that full dynamics of the relationship that you and your deceased wife had with her children while she was living (and still in good health), but to me, it seems rather cold that they'd not wish to remain in contact with you. To help to go through her things To share memories.

Hugs and best wishes for healing as you go through the process of grieving not only for your wife, but for the lost opportunity of a continuing relationship with your stepchildren. Someday, they might understand how you're feeling...or not, as empathy isn't many people's strong suit.
Thank you, FKAT. Notwithstanding some past and occasional bumps, I would say that my wife and her daughters had a solid relationship during the time that I knew them.
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Old 10-01-2018, 01:17 PM
 
7,960 posts, read 17,597,743 times
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Quote:
Originally Posted by fluffythewondercat View Post
I agree.

It seems this was a set-up for the convenience of the children, with no thought to what a newly-bereaved husband might be feeling.

I would not want to know these people.
Thank you, fluffy. I now realize that I didn't know them like I thought I did.
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Old 10-01-2018, 01:24 PM
 
7,960 posts, read 17,597,743 times
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Quote:
Originally Posted by ShellNic View Post
Possibly but who cares? Not to sound harsh, but the point is that they've cut off contact. At the very least, it seems they should offer some respect for THEIR MOTHER. That they can't, or won't, seems very sad to me. I'm sorry OP - I imagine this is very difficult. I hope your support group can help you.

Do you have any children yourself? How has your family been? I know moving can be hard, but being in a new place where you only have sad memories (I assume) seems harder to me. Perhaps the "business of moving" elsewhere can occupy some of your thoughts and get you to a place where you can find some peace.

Good luck!
Thank you, ShellNic. I don't have any children. My family has generally been supportive and sympathetic. Happy memories are certainly hard to come by, indeed. Legal issues need to be settled before I can even consider moving but that will likely be resolved in a year or less.
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Old 10-01-2018, 01:29 PM
 
7,960 posts, read 17,597,743 times
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Quote:
Originally Posted by meo92953 View Post
I hope the grief group helps you. I'm sure they will tell you or you may know, it often takes grief a year or more before you can make some realistic decisions. Give yourself time.
Thank you, meo92953. I understand that grief is a process that may wane at some point but never truly ends.

Quote:
Her children may not have considered you more than your wife's husband and not a part of their family. That's what it sounds like to me. I certainly understand the pain of that for you. Unfortunately, you have no control over their actions.
I've come to a similar conclusion.

Quote:
You know you did what you did for the sake of your wife. I hope that will be compensation enough for you once you begin healing from your grief.
Yes, I don't regret what I did to make my wife happy.
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Old 10-01-2018, 01:47 PM
 
Location: Noblesville, IN
3,687 posts, read 3,922,089 times
Reputation: 6122
Quote:
Originally Posted by FindingZen View Post
Thank you, ShellNic. I don't have any children. My family has generally been supportive and sympathetic. Happy memories are certainly hard to come by, indeed. Legal issues need to be settled before I can even consider moving but that will likely be resolved in a year or less.
Maybe once the legal issues have been settled, and some more time has passed, you'll see a clearer path to where you want to be. I'm glad your family is there for you - even if in another state! I have a step mom and she has been in my life now longer than my own mother. If my father passed, I can't even imagine not speaking with her. I know we're all different and I know when the step parent comes into our lives plays a big part BUT...respect is respect and I guess I don't understand it either. Hang in there - I know you have lots of warm thoughts being sent your way!
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Old 10-01-2018, 01:54 PM
 
7,960 posts, read 17,597,743 times
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Quote:
Originally Posted by gouligann View Post
First, I'm so sorry for your loss. You have found yourself in a sad situation all around.

My observations have been that unless a child is raised by a step-parent from a young age, most children don't keep up with the step parent after their birth parent passes on. This is not to say that they don't love them, but life is busy (especially if they have kids) and time is precious if they are working.
Thank you, gouligann.

Getting busy with life after the life event would have one thing; being intentionally unkind/insensitive to both of us beforehand - let alone myself afterwards - is quite another.

Quote:
I think when you feel ready, you should pack back up and move back to where you are comfortable. Hopefully, you can downsize the things you have to take and can sell or give away a lot of other things.
I've already streamlined considerably and would do even more if/when I were to move again.

Quote:
I'm glad to hear that you are seeking help with a grieving group and a therapist.

Take as much time as you need to grieve before you even think about packing and moving, unless you think it might help keeping busy to get your mind off things.

Good luck and I hope some day you will be feeling much better.
It's only been a few months since I got things arranged in their proper place in the home so I'm not necessarily eager to pack it up again. LOL But I will probably have several months before I can seriously contemplate a move.
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Old 10-01-2018, 07:23 PM
ERH
 
Location: Cary, NC
1,030 posts, read 1,489,810 times
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Quote:
Originally Posted by FindingZen View Post
ERH, thank you for your honesty. It was educational.
I'm sorry for being so blunt. It's understandable that you feel hurt and betrayed. Our family isn't perfect, but I can say with confidence that we would never mislead my husband's stepfather. Your post has given me the opportunity to ponder his perspective, and it's certainly something I will bring up to the siblings.

I wish you peace in your grief journey.
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Old 10-02-2018, 05:05 AM
 
Location: north narrowlina
734 posts, read 219,812 times
Reputation: 3002
That's a terrible situation to be in, i'm so sorry!!!! I'd take that anger and put it into action.... move back home. nothing like home. you'll be closer to old friends, and friends are really important once you start aging... i moved here 1200 miles from home, and let me tell ya, when you are 66 like i was when i moved, EVERYONE my age already has their circle of friends, lifelong and they aren't really looking to add to the mix. I know it's a pain in the blooming arse, but i think you truly will be far happier back home.... plus i fear you might just let the resentment and anger simmer, and it will eat you up. don't do that. just go live your life where you will be happiest. good luck and bright blessings!!!
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