U.S. CitiesCity-Data Forum Index
Go Back   City-Data Forum > General Forums > Grief and Mourning
 [Register]
Please register to participate in our discussions with 2 million other members - it's free and quick! Some forums can only be seen by registered members. After you create your account, you'll be able to customize options and access all our 15,000 new posts/day with fewer ads.
View detailed profile (Advanced) or search
site with Google Custom Search

Search Forums  (Advanced)
Reply Start New Thread
 
Old 10-02-2018, 05:14 AM
 
6 posts, read 702 times
Reputation: 10

Advertisements

Finding

I say move back home to where your friends are ASAP. The estate can be handled long distance. No need for you to stay there.
Reply With Quote Quick reply to this message

 
Old 10-02-2018, 06:02 AM
 
7,960 posts, read 17,578,551 times
Reputation: 2567
Quote:
Originally Posted by johninsc View Post
I say move back home to where your friends are ASAP. The estate can be handled long distance. No need for you to stay there.
The pull of familiar surroundings and faces can be strong at times. However, circumstances are such that it is best that I remain here at least until the estate is settled.
Reply With Quote Quick reply to this message
 
Old 10-02-2018, 06:09 AM
 
7,960 posts, read 17,578,551 times
Reputation: 2567
Quote:
Originally Posted by ceiligrrl View Post
That's a terrible situation to be in, i'm so sorry!!!! I'd take that anger and put it into action.... move back home. nothing like home. you'll be closer to old friends, and friends are really important once you start aging... i moved here 1200 miles from home, and let me tell ya, when you are 66 like i was when i moved, EVERYONE my age already has their circle of friends, lifelong and they aren't really looking to add to the mix. I know it's a pain in the blooming arse, but i think you truly will be far happier back home.... plus i fear you might just let the resentment and anger simmer, and it will eat you up. don't do that. just go live your life where you will be happiest. good luck and bright blessings!!!
ceiligirl, I am sorry to read that you’ve had challenges establishing a social circle in your latest home. There’s certainly something to be said for being closer to longtime friends as one gets older.
Reply With Quote Quick reply to this message
 
Old 10-02-2018, 01:45 PM
 
2,640 posts, read 943,009 times
Reputation: 5052
I'm sorry about the loss of your wife. And I'm doubly sorry about the slap of insult to injury.

I was the daughter in the relationship and when my father died, my stepmother of 33 years decided that none of my father's family existed. She gave us nothing (he was intestate), threw out everything that might have been a memento - really, I get the hurt.

I just wanted to tell you that the best thing you're doing is going to therapy and a grief group. Along with being heartbroken, I can see where you'd be exhausted as well. I agree that all these things will take some time to sort out and I think that you should make a visit home to see people who care for you while you work on it. It can only give your mood a lift and in some time you'll either have found a new life where you are, and a new support system of friends, or you may decide to move back. I think you're relatively young and have plenty of time to start a life that makes you happy.

I wonder what your wife would think. I had an older friend, in her 70s, and when her ex died she told me her children were so mercenary she barely recognized them and was ashamed. I'm glad your wife was spared that, and I'm sure she'd want you to take care of yourself and end up happy.
Reply With Quote Quick reply to this message
 
Old 10-02-2018, 03:58 PM
 
962 posts, read 526,241 times
Reputation: 3355
OP, you are in a tough situation. Dealing with your wife's death and now the "loss" of your stepfamily is a double blow.

I apologize if I missed this but is your stepdaughters' father alive and in the picture? Does he have an active role as Dad and Grandpa? Will he be with them for some holidays? If that is the case, I hate to say it but the daughters have that role filled in their lives.

Since you are so much younger than their mother, I can see a friend-type status but the idea to "rent" an apartment when you moved near them was a pretty big clue to their thinking. I have never known anyone really close to a stepparent unless they were a child when that person came into their life.

Do you have a job in your new location? As another poster said, a year is usually necessary for beginning to deal with grief so maybe things will shake out. Sorry for your pain.
Reply With Quote Quick reply to this message
 
Old 10-02-2018, 10:22 PM
 
7,960 posts, read 17,578,551 times
Reputation: 2567
Quote:
Originally Posted by NYC refugee View Post
I'm sorry about the loss of your wife. And I'm doubly sorry about the slap of insult to injury.

I was the daughter in the relationship and when my father died, my stepmother of 33 years decided that none of my father's family existed. She gave us nothing (he was intestate), threw out everything that might have been a memento - really, I get the hurt.

I just wanted to tell you that the best thing you're doing is going to therapy and a grief group. Along with being heartbroken, I can see where you'd be exhausted as well. I agree that all these things will take some time to sort out and I think that you should make a visit home to see people who care for you while you work on it. It can only give your mood a lift and in some time you'll either have found a new life where you are, and a new support system of friends, or you may decide to move back. I think you're relatively young and have plenty of time to start a life that makes you happy.

I wonder what your wife would think. I had an older friend, in her 70s, and when her ex died she told me her children were so mercenary she barely recognized them and was ashamed. I'm glad your wife was spared that, and I'm sure she'd want you to take care of yourself and end up happy.
Thank you so much for your support and empathy.

I am sure my wife would be horrified and heartbroken. As it was, she sensed something was amiss with their attitudes once we arrived but we couldn’t put our finger on it at the time. I feel for your older friend.
Reply With Quote Quick reply to this message
 
Old 10-02-2018, 10:30 PM
 
7,960 posts, read 17,578,551 times
Reputation: 2567
Quote:
Originally Posted by shamrock4 View Post
OP, you are in a tough situation. Dealing with your wife's death and now the "loss" of your stepfamily is a double blow.

I apologize if I missed this but is your stepdaughters' father alive and in the picture? Does he have an active role as Dad and Grandpa? Will he be with them for some holidays? If that is the case, I hate to say it but the daughters have that role filled in their lives.

Since you are so much younger than their mother, I can see a friend-type status but the idea to "rent" an apartment when you moved near them was a pretty big clue to their thinking. I have never known anyone really close to a stepparent unless they were a child when that person came into their life.

Do you have a job in your new location? As another poster said, a year is usually necessary for beginning to deal with grief so maybe things will shake out. Sorry for your pain.
Their father passed away before I became involved with my wife. He may have passed before the oldest grandchildren were born. I do not think anyone had positive regard for him post-divorce.

To not share the renting sentiment until we arrived, considering our announced intentions, was confusing at time time and rather cruel in retrospect.
Reply With Quote Quick reply to this message
 
Old 10-02-2018, 11:40 PM
 
Location: Mid-Atlantic
22,607 posts, read 21,660,755 times
Reputation: 27597
Quote:
Originally Posted by FindingZen View Post
They did lie, or perhaps deceive, in that they waited until we moved here to say that. My wife and I were both confused and didn't understand why they would say that. I was left to interpret that and other clues after she passed.
That's not nice. I got the cold shoulder from my sister-in-law and his aunt and uncle after my husband died. I never (not once!) got a call, card, or invitation from any of them. My son kept in touch with his aunt until a few years ago. He felt as though he'd been used and that there was no real connection.

She divorced when her daughter was a teen, and she invited him to vacation with them--so that he could chaperone her daughter and friend when they went to an amusement park or swimming, shopping. He was a cheap sitter. She stopped contacting him not long after the last vacation because they wouldn't be going away the next year.

The last straw was when she was a crime victim and she told him to not bother to visit because the neighbors were supportive and that she'd be OK. While that sounds innocent enough, telling him to not visit because she should go back to work put him off. He offered to drive her to and from work, walk her dog, cook dinner, anything. He wanted to be dad, protect her, and she didn't need him.
Reply With Quote Quick reply to this message
 
Old 10-03-2018, 02:49 AM
 
Location: Somewhere in northern Alabama
16,808 posts, read 51,165,405 times
Reputation: 27531
Gerania, it took me a few readings of your post to figure out who was who in relation to each other. There appear to be some extended family dynamics that were complex and may have influenced towards distancing, unrelated to grief or your loss of your husband, although the timing may have made it seem so.

There is a whole subset of Adlerian psychology that studies and can be predictive of the power shifts that occur when an individual leaves (or is added to) a family group. That goes well beyond the scope of the fairly simple shifts occurring in immediate family after a death, such as experienced by finding Zen. If you were to want to explore what may have been factors in your son's relationship, a practitioner of Adlerian psych would be the type of psychologist that might be most helpful. However, they are scarce as hen's teeth these days because of the way he business of psychological intervention has developed. What is is, and many times it is simply best to just move on and trust that whatever happened ultimately can have some (as yet unseen) positive effect, no matter how painful or rude it may seem now.
Reply With Quote Quick reply to this message
 
Old 10-03-2018, 03:12 AM
 
Location: Durham
1,693 posts, read 2,092,224 times
Reputation: 1699
I sure feel for you. I haven't had that situation. I have seen various dysfunctional families & individuals over the years. My family had its share of characters, as most do.

I would think it may be natural for some "drifting away" to take place down the road. But you were good to their mother and it would also be natural for them to stick by you following her death. You sure got an unexpected crash course on how cold hearted some people can be. You may not be their only "casualty". I'll bet there are some war stories with their other family & friends, or they may not have any friends.

Sadly, behavior in this realm seems to be more common than we would think. I am following another thread here where several of a widow's longtime friends have dropped her after her husband died.

You are wise to be part of the support group. Nothing like being around others in similar circumstances. You may start new friendships there too.

Is it practical for you to make trips back home to visit old friends, or invite a few of them to come visit?

Hang in there. You will get through this and come out on top.
Reply With Quote Quick reply to this message
Please register to post and access all features of our very popular forum. It is free and quick. Over $68,000 in prizes has already been given out to active posters on our forum. Additional giveaways are planned.

Detailed information about all U.S. cities, counties, and zip codes on our site: City-data.com.


Reply

Quick Reply
Message:

Over $104,000 in prizes was already given out to active posters on our forum and additional giveaways are planned!

Go Back   City-Data Forum > General Forums > Grief and Mourning
Follow City-Data.com founder on our Forum or

All times are GMT -6.

© 2005-2018, Advameg, Inc.

City-Data.com - Archive 1, 2, 3, 4, 5, 6, 7, 8, 9, 10, 11, 12, 13, 14, 15, 16, 17, 18, 19, 20, 21, 22, 23, 24, 25, 26, 27, 28, 29, 30, 31, 32, 33, 34, 35 - Top