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Old 10-03-2018, 03:32 AM
 
Location: Worcester MA
351 posts, read 114,498 times
Reputation: 796

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Condolences on your losses. With the holidays almost around the corner, I suggest that you make plans as soon as possible on how you will spend them.

That way you already have plans when the holidays arrive and it may help ease the double sorrow of not spending it with your wife and being excluded by the stepchildren.

Perhaps you can spend time with friends from your former location or travel to places you've always wanted to see. Maybe a group tour and meet new people?
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Old 10-03-2018, 07:52 AM
 
7,960 posts, read 17,583,160 times
Reputation: 2567
Quote:
Originally Posted by Taffee72 View Post
Condolences on your losses. With the holidays almost around the corner, I suggest that you make plans as soon as possible on how you will spend them.

That way you already have plans when the holidays arrive and it may help ease the double sorrow of not spending it with your wife and being excluded by the stepchildren.

Perhaps you can spend time with friends from your former location or travel to places you've always wanted to see. Maybe a group tour and meet new people?
Thatís an excellent idea! In fact, Iíve already made vacation plans. Iíve always wanted to fly someplace for Christmas and now I can finally live my dream.

December and January are going to be difficult months for the foreseeable future. Iím glad to be able make some positive memories to offset that.
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Old 10-03-2018, 08:57 AM
 
7,960 posts, read 17,583,160 times
Reputation: 2567
Quote:
Originally Posted by Gerania View Post
That's not nice. I got the cold shoulder from my sister-in-law and his aunt and uncle after my husband died. I never (not once!) got a call, card, or invitation from any of them. My son kept in touch with his aunt until a few years ago. He felt as though he'd been used and that there was no real connection.

She divorced when her daughter was a teen, and she invited him to vacation with them--so that he could chaperone her daughter and friend when they went to an amusement park or swimming, shopping. He was a cheap sitter. She stopped contacting him not long after the last vacation because they wouldn't be going away the next year.

The last straw was when she was a crime victim and she told him to not bother to visit because the neighbors were supportive and that she'd be OK. While that sounds innocent enough, telling him to not visit because she should go back to work put him off. He offered to drive her to and from work, walk her dog, cook dinner, anything. He wanted to be dad, protect her, and she didn't need him.
Iím sorry Gerania for the estrangement of your in-laws. It sounds like they took advantage of your sonís offer of generosity and his assumption that he was a still considered a member of their family. Thatís a true shame.
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Old 10-03-2018, 09:13 AM
 
7,960 posts, read 17,583,160 times
Reputation: 2567
Quote:
Originally Posted by jmellc View Post
I sure feel for you. I haven't had that situation. I have seen various dysfunctional families & individuals over the years. My family had its share of characters, as most do.

I would think it may be natural for some "drifting away" to take place down the road. But you were good to their mother and it would also be natural for them to stick by you following her death. You sure got an unexpected crash course on how cold hearted some people can be. You may not be their only "casualty". I'll bet there are some war stories with their other family & friends, or they may not have any friends.
Yes, a more gradual withdrawal would have been disappointing but not too surprising. Interestingly enough, the extended family which has generally been estranged from the daughters for a while, has been supportive of me in these circumstances.

Quote:
Sadly, behavior in this realm seems to be more common than we would think. I am following another thread here where several of a widow's longtime friends have dropped her after her husband died
A few of her friends dropped both of when she became more sick and could not longer hit the party and dining scene with them. So I have an idea of what that’s like. Some others remain close and supportive.

Quote:
u are wise to be part of the support group. Nothing like being around others in similar circumstances. You may start new friendships there too.
Yes between the group and other community organizations I intend to get involved with, I hope to make some new friends.

Quote:
Is it practical for you to make trips back home to visit old friends, or invite a few of them to come visit?

Hang in there. You will get through this and come out on top.
I took a few trips earlier in the year. It was refreshing to be around people that cared about and environments where I felt more familiar or comfortable.

Thank you for your support!
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Old 10-03-2018, 11:39 AM
 
Location: SWFL
21,351 posts, read 18,094,417 times
Reputation: 18706
My condolences, Zen. NYrefugee had some wonderful ideas. Sorry for you too, girl.
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Old 10-03-2018, 12:27 PM
 
7,960 posts, read 17,583,160 times
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Quote:
Originally Posted by tamiznluv View Post
My condolences, Zen. NYrefugee had some wonderful ideas. Sorry for you too, girl.
Thank you, tamiznluv.
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Old 10-03-2018, 07:10 PM
 
Location: Durham
1,693 posts, read 2,092,746 times
Reputation: 1699
Such things should remind all of us to be there for our friends & relatives in times of sorrow. We live in a busy world, full of distractions but we should take time to visit, take someone to lunch or take a meal to the house, etc. There are many small ways we can help a person out and let them know they are not forgotten.
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Old 10-06-2018, 11:39 AM
 
7,960 posts, read 17,583,160 times
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Thank you, jmellc.

And thanks again to everyone for sharing your perspectives and support.
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Old 10-08-2018, 03:28 PM
 
632 posts, read 627,234 times
Reputation: 689
Finding Zen, it sounds like for many years you made the dearly departed very happy. The same cannot be said for her biological family, but that is not your fault. Just remember, you cannot change the behavior of others or how they think or feel. The only thing you can do is live, learn and move on with your life.
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Old 10-09-2018, 11:11 AM
 
7,960 posts, read 17,583,160 times
Reputation: 2567
Someone sent me an anonymous rep along with asking a couple questions. Such answers are rather personal...but I will say that the relevant laws of my adopted home state make estate settlement more complicated than one might anticipate, especially if all parties are not amicable.
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