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Old 10-15-2018, 03:46 AM
11,686 posts, read 13,074,643 times
Reputation: 30973


Originally Posted by harry chickpea View Post
As we get older, the inevitability of death becomes increasingly apparent and in odd ways less significant. While such a statement might seem callous, underneath it is your uncle's recognition and acceptance that the event will soon overtake him as well. The strong reaction of a younger person may simply not be there.
Thank you. I am eighty plus and chronically ill, will probably pop off at the drop of a hat or a fall down the stairs. I think for some of us when get older the whole obvious nature life's journey from growth to blooming maturity and then the decline (and decay) to the final dissolution seems almost suddenly to be smack-dab clear as day. And not the inexplicable horror that it is to many younger people.

I had a person to whom I was very closely related die when I was traveling, and I found out two weeks later. I felt zero - there was an instant of naked recognition: oh, she's dead, and then nothing. This was a totally ruptured relationship, and death did not erase that. On the other hand, my father had been an unloving man and a bully, but when he died I was there for him and was very broken up at how stunted some parts of his life had been and very painfully regretted how much he closed off.

I have relatives who understood neither reaction, and in the first case were quite angry. But except for a spouse and younger children, does anyone else have to understand? Especially as "understand" in this case seems often to really mean accept or approve.

I think that when it come to death we are best off tending to our own knitting. I may think I know what moves you - or why you are not moved - so what, finally it is your life, your relationship and your business. And I am best off paying attention to my own feelings. and not worrying about whether someone else is doing their knitting the right way.

Last edited by kevxu; 10-15-2018 at 03:55 AM..
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Old 10-15-2018, 05:12 AM
Location: Dayton, OH
504 posts, read 197,770 times
Reputation: 2121
My mother died from cancer when I was 5. My father was an alcoholic and died from cirrhosis of the liver and a broken back (long story) when I was 15. I had myself declared an emancipated minor at age 17, ran away from an abusive step mother, finished high school, and eventually put myself through college (BA and MA) with no help from anyone.

I think if parents die before their kids are 20 or so, that is a genuine tragedy. Children need their parents. Having to make my own way in the world without parents was truly awful. I cried plenty.

However, if you have your parents in your life until you are in your 20s, 30s, 40s, 50s, 60s or even 70s - that is but icing on the cake. We all die sometime. I don't get upset when I learn that someone with adult children has died. They raised their children to adulthood, so their mission in life has been fulfilled, and no one lives forever.

Besides, for many people, death is a blessing. Trust me, personal experience taught me at a very young age that there are far worse things than death.
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Old 10-15-2018, 10:33 AM
Location: SWFL
21,426 posts, read 18,139,040 times
Reputation: 18778
((( Hugs to everyone))) I have no words.
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Old 10-15-2018, 07:09 PM
Location: Mid-Atlantic
22,692 posts, read 21,741,083 times
Reputation: 27742
Originally Posted by tamiznluv View Post
Yup, sorry, G.
Thanks, and back at you. Watching someone you love die is yeoman's work.

Though I'm glad I did it, making my son participate was very difficult. He did not want to see dad, the all powerful Oz, in that condition.

When I was eight years old, mom told me that nanna was going to die. She had been in the hospital for over a week. The test results and doctors determined that she wouldn't leave there alive. I asked dad if I could see her, it was his mom, but I was too young. I just wanted to kiss and hug her one more time.

Thirty years later, our family practice doctor talked to dad's cardiologist and hospital staff and they allowed my six year old to visit grandpa in the ICU. He asked about the tubes, wires, and beeping. They talked for a while. Dad told my son about the time he misbehaved when he was little. Junior fell asleep next to him with his arm across dad's waist. The look on my father's face was priceless.

That was the last time dad spoke. There may have been one word the next day, but that was it.
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Old 10-15-2018, 07:12 PM
Location: Mid-Atlantic
22,692 posts, read 21,741,083 times
Reputation: 27742
Originally Posted by tamiznluv View Post
That's okay, Nov3. We know a rep from this forum doesn't mean someone likes your tragedy. It's actually a kind of hug, imo. I hugged you!
It is a hug.
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Old 10-16-2018, 08:51 AM
4,826 posts, read 2,142,556 times
Reputation: 12286
Originally Posted by Gerania View Post
It is a hug.
I shall be glad to reign supportive hugs to each poster here who shed light on their moment of notice.

Last evening I had spoken to a Co worker inquiring where one of our managers were. She sighed and said.. j's husband passed. It's been the week for these nudges...of notice. One thing holds true. When speechless a hug will do. And I think that is all I will have when I see her. She so deserves that gesture.
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Old 10-20-2018, 08:38 AM
Location: Texas Hill Country
8,853 posts, read 4,823,610 times
Reputation: 7680
I guess usually, if I am not in the area then I'm at ground zero, it is by a phone call as an item in the conversation.

Got a bad one this week by phone text, bad because it was so long after the fact. Those hit me the worse because, I guess, I've been involved in the business of searching for someone only to find out that they were dead before the time we were told to start to search. That sort of feeling in other cases, whether actively involved or not, lingers.

In any event, I stared at the words, it was a shock, unbelievable. It was straight to the point with necessary but minimal details, leaving questions but they were things I weren't going to ask.

"Can you imagine how......," but that is part of the thing in being a LE researcher in that I don't have to imagine for I have professional texts on death investigation, have even done a case myself, with glossy pictures. I know so many states that it is not necessary to know everything, certainly not diplomatic to ask, but just accept that she is no longer here.

Accept but not dismiss the impact. There were affairs of the week, work to be done and classes to be taught, that had to be done but other things, I cancelled. I didn't want to sweep this notification under the emotional rug or ride it in compression lift.

As it is, I've taken off this weekend to be in a mourning state. Clear time to work through my feelings, memories about her, to be available if anyone needs someone to reach out to (it's in state but out of region). To take time to reflect of ways I could do my life better.

It was rather "interesting" on Friday that when I got done teaching my last class of the week, the dark clouds came back rather quickly. One new light, though, in that a friend who knows wants to put on a show where the proceeds will go, if I finance again, to a charity in her name.

EDIT: About doing my life better. How I got into cooking, then, was because I was touched by someone who was murdered and their love of cooking and going to try, today, my hand at brunch cooking because of the death of another, that I knew about already, but an interesting coincidence this week, brought that to my attention.

Last edited by TamaraSavannah; 10-20-2018 at 10:05 AM..
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