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Old 10-25-2018, 01:50 PM
Location: A Yankee in northeast TN
9,485 posts, read 13,339,114 times
Reputation: 19904


Originally Posted by Gusano View Post
Just from the little you said about your mom, I bet she would be happy to see he met someone who brings a little sunshine into his life.
I doubt your mom would have wanted your dad to spend the remainder of his years alone and lonely. If you could talk to her, how do you think your mom would feel to know that her friend is providing needed care and companionship to the man she loved and cherished for so many years?
I would imagine your dad kept this secret in an attempt to avoid the very reaction he's getting from his children. Bit of a catch 22 for him in that regard.

Old 10-25-2018, 02:00 PM
Location: on the wind
4,131 posts, read 1,540,807 times
Reputation: 14729
Originally Posted by reebo View Post
Thinking back to my own dad. My mother died of ALS many years before he did.

For a number of years he wasn't interested in meeting or spending time with anyone. Was oblivious to the human race in general. Fine. He was just about the most socially inept man we (three daughters) knew.

Then he became particularly touchy about appearing even remotely interested in any of the single women he happened to know around his 55+ neighborhood. To the point of explaining even a phone conversation with one of them to his kids. Ah, we thought hopefully, he's starting to notice, but feeling disloyal. None of us were waiting for these explanations or demanded them.

Over time he began referring to one particular widow down the street. He unfailingly referred to her by her full name and reminded us that she was just a neighbor every single time she came up in conversation. We thought it was a little funny and a little sad. We all knew this lady. She was a lovely person all of us liked.

Eventually he would forget to use her full name or make the comment about being a neighbor. They started doing little things to help each other out and spent more and more time together. We all thought it was wonderful. None of us would ever frown upon someone who actually liked spending time with our dad. Someone who could wheedle the snail out of it's shell to notice the world.

One day he asked me if this relationship with this lovely person bothered me. "Of course not! I'm so glad you found someone to share your life with!!!!" He was actually surprised.

She was willing to make it more formal but he was not. She understood completely and it wasn't important enough to matter. They had a great relationship for many years after that. He's been gone for some years now but his kind, friendly lady friend and I continue to chat by phone on a regular basis.
Old 10-25-2018, 02:11 PM
Location: California
65,143 posts, read 16,021,406 times
Reputation: 40118
Well, he is not that young. He's in his 80's let him have his freedom for a few more years.Better with a family friend than someone he just met. He is happy, Leave him alone. It's your negativity and you are being selfish. Don't you want your dad happy? He needs to talk to someone and he can't with you and your brother. So you guys need to stop going to counselors.
Old 10-25-2018, 02:31 PM
Location: Santa Monica, Ca
5,734 posts, read 3,183,522 times
Reputation: 13476
How very selfish of you! I bet your mom wouldn’t want him to spend the rest of his life alone.
Old 10-25-2018, 03:05 PM
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Reputation: 18239
I have never seen two kids, that are so angry their father has a girl friend. It is the most natural thing after a spouse dies, for first a morning period, then finding someone of the opposite sex to fill their life.

I am in my late 80s, and have been married for 66 years to the same woman. If I died tomorrow, to expect her not to ever have a male friend and feel alive again would be the most selfish thing I could do.

It is only natural when one loses a spouse to divorce, or death, to find another member of the opposite sex to share their life. We have a 50% or so divorce rate in this country. It is the most natural thing, for the both of them to move on with another mate after the divorce becomes final. The same after the death of a spouse.

I would kind of wonder in this situation, that your father has some money or a paid off house that can be sold for money, that you and your brother want to inherit, and are afraid that your father and his friend will get married and she as his wife will inherit a bunch of it. This the most common reaction of very selfish kids. You are putting what you want to happen, before putting your fathers life and happiness to be important. It is like two vultures sitting on the fence waiting for something to die, so they can swoop in and feast on the remains.

They would rather their father sit home alone suffering by not having someone in his life, feeling alone and miserable, rather than finding someone who makes him laugh and feeling a live again. Over the years, I have seen time after time, this same situation.

You want your father to be alone and suffer, not even leaving the house, which was your mothers big worry. Your mother was very worried this would happen, and would be extremely happy, he has been able to move on, and would be especially happy that it is someone she knew and trusted, that is bringing him back into the world and able to laugh again. She would see that their getting together, would be the best for both of them. He being happy and laughing again, would be her biggest desire.
Old 10-25-2018, 03:16 PM
Location: Nantahala National Forest, NC
17,393 posts, read 3,537,755 times
Reputation: 22599
Originally Posted by gentlearts View Post
You children are being very selfish. Stop it. Your father has the right to do what makes him happy. He has waited a respectful length of time since your mother died, and at his age he doesn’t have time to waste.

You children should be glad that this woman loves and cares for him.

You children are not in it. This is his business and not yours...he has done the honorable thing and waited the year before seeing her.

People leave our lives in many different ways but the fact is: they are gone. No reason whatsoever for them not to be together.

Find a way to be respectful to them both and keep your mouth shut. She's not trying to take your mother's place.

They are just trying to survive and enjoy their lives. It's what we all attempt to do every day.
Old 10-25-2018, 03:26 PM
Location: Somewhere in northern Alabama
16,845 posts, read 51,301,408 times
Reputation: 27662
Comment as moderator here: Some of the responses are getting "hot." Before it gets out of hand, please remember that this forum has special rules, and that some of the forms of grief can seem odd or even selfish. The father AND the children are in that process now, and blaming or pronouncing judgment on people in grief is not allowed here as sport. If you are commenting to help, fine. If you are commenting simply to satisfy an itch to judge, please avoid posting and forcing me to take action. Thanks.
Old 10-25-2018, 03:52 PM
4,377 posts, read 1,490,886 times
Reputation: 10118
Why do you feel like your dad is keeping secrets? He's a grown man who can come and go as he pleases.

I get it, if you have concerns for his health, and it'd probably be a good idea for him to let you know if he goes on a trip or something...but he's not a teenager, and he can spend his nights where he pleases.

You MIGHT suggest to him that Rose have your emergency contact info, just in case something comes up...but other than that...he doesn't have to check in with you, and he's not on a curfew.

I get how it feels OP.

My mom is in her 80's, and after my dad died, she was single for about 4 years...and then started corresponding with someone she knew from childhood, and then he came to visit, and then he came to visit again, and on THAT visit he proposed to her, and the following week, they got married.

That was a fast courtship!

Probably out of all of us siblings...I've taken it better than the others. But I've been previously divorced, and I know well how one can be lonely, and want someone to share a life with. I think I 'got it' better than my other siblings.

It's an adjustment though...no doubt. I have an 80+ step dad who acts like a dad, and likes to give advice and be bossy. lol BUT...my mom loves him and he makes her happy. And that makes me happy.
Old 10-25-2018, 04:23 PM
Location: Brentwood, Tennessee
39,034 posts, read 37,675,762 times
Reputation: 73641
It's hard to see our parents as people rather than just "parents."

He is a man who needs companionship. He gets to decide where, with whom and when that happens.

I would encourage the adult children to reserve their judgment and let this grown man do what he wants. It's not right to try and treat him like a teen now.

My dad's whole side of the family imploded and stopped speaking for 20 years when my grandmother died and my own father could not handle his dad moving on with another woman. Guess who has a girlfriend now, one year after my own mom died unexpectedly?

Because I witnessed what happened when the kids tried to control Dad (my grandfather), I have worked hard to let my dad live his life, even if it doesn't look like I thought it would.
Old 10-25-2018, 04:32 PM
Location: In the Pearl of the Purchase, Ky
6,959 posts, read 12,375,199 times
Reputation: 29138
In their wedding vows, and yours if you're married, they promised "till death do us part". Well, your mother has died (you have my sympathies). Your dad grieved. Now leave him alone and let him do what he wants to do with who he wants to do it with.
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