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Old 12-06-2018, 09:26 PM
 
1,007 posts, read 561,338 times
Reputation: 2067

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Welcome to the Bargaining Stage of Grief.
..."if only I had done this or that....she'd still be alive!!
I left for work after seeing my mom laying on the couch at our family home. She had left her and my father's bedroom earlier in the night as she sometimes did if he was snoring. I came downstairs to head to work and saw her laying kinda twisted on the couch. I thought maybe I should wake her up and tell her to lie flat. I had a very very strong intuition not to wake her, to keep heading out the door for the train.
My dad found her about an hour or so later, my first call at my desk (25 mile train ride) was my dad telling me to come home right away.
The phenomenon is real. I only wish I could've saved my father from finding her but one of us had to. Life can be funny but I'm not laughing.
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Old 12-06-2018, 11:16 PM
 
7,967 posts, read 5,551,510 times
Reputation: 14833
Just remember, no one dies a second before or a second after there is space available for them.

Not your fault
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Old 12-07-2018, 07:45 PM
 
1,351 posts, read 863,806 times
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Just remember, no one dies a second before or a second after there is space available for them.



^^^^Nicely said.
Thank you.

My mother and father both died at home. But reading everyone's comments really got my emotions going and kind of choked up.
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Old 12-10-2018, 06:57 PM
 
58 posts, read 73,748 times
Reputation: 207
Sometimes a person views their own death like they view pooping in front of their family. They just can't do it, so they wait for privacy. The important part is you were there when they needed you most and their moment of death wasn't one of them.

You did good. Taking care of a dying person is one of the most loving things anyone can do.
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Old 12-11-2018, 09:55 AM
 
5,560 posts, read 8,877,989 times
Reputation: 5522
You have no idea how this thread has helped me. Bless you all.
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Old 12-11-2018, 10:31 AM
 
Location: Raleigh
7,270 posts, read 5,378,039 times
Reputation: 9923
You should feel zero guilt for this. As has been pointed out, it isn't uncommon.

Some folks, upon departing from a party, make a grandiose exit. Others prefer the "Irish Goodbye," and slip out when no one's looking.

Consider she didn't pass at that moment because you abandoned her, but that she didn't want you to see her die.
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Old 12-11-2018, 10:40 AM
 
Location: Mesa AZ
166 posts, read 46,234 times
Reputation: 523
I am writing this from the exact spot where my father died 23 years ago on the day before thanksgiving. There were 6 of us here at my house and the same thing happened to us. My sister is an RN and she knew the signs that the end was very close but somehow we got distracted and suddenly he passed. My sister had been widowed a few years before on December 23 and her youngest of 3 was inconsolable, I was suddenly having complications from a surgery done a few days prior and was leaving for the ER as it all was happening. The paramedics were coming in as I was leaving and by the time I got home he had already been taken away. They all flew back home with his body for the funeral and I was bedridden so flying home was out of the question.


That was about half of the tragedies we faced that month. I wont share the rest you wouldn't believe it if I told you, it felt like the twilight zone x10.
The strength you gain in tragedy will equip you to be there for others when their lives are in turmoil, helping others is often the best way to heal.
If you have a retirement home nearby see if there is someone there you could include in your holiday celebration this year, many people no longer have family and you will be blessed more than you could imagine.
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Old 12-11-2018, 04:40 PM
 
Location: Minnesota
131 posts, read 16,692 times
Reputation: 318
I sat with my grandmother for hours in hospice. Finally I had to leave to take my teen daughter home who wasn't feeling well and my brother called that Grandma passed just 20 minutes after I left. I beat myself up for weeks even though I know Grandma would have understood why I left and would have told me herself to take my daughter home had she been lucid.
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Old 12-11-2018, 06:41 PM
 
Location: SWFL
21,774 posts, read 18,389,663 times
Reputation: 19235
Larry, coming here and talking to people in their hours of need really helped me along in my grief too.

Sorry for the Twilight Zone time.

Condolences to you, hacker.
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Old Yesterday, 11:44 AM
 
Location: El paso,tx
1,555 posts, read 608,276 times
Reputation: 2438
I believe that it is easier for someone to let go of the things that hold them here when they are alone. I think it takes a certain strength and willingness to detach in order to cross over. Having people around, touching you, talking to you would tend to keep you here, and not let you focus on passing, or detach enough from here to let go. Kind of like when you are just about to fall asleep and someone talks to you or touches you, so you wake up.
No one should ever feel badly if a loved one dies when they are gone from the room. If anything, it should tell you that the person loved you too much, and was not wanting to go when they were aware of your presense. They had a tight bond with you, so they couldnt let go with you there.
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