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Old 11-05-2018, 05:12 PM
 
1 posts, read 693 times
Reputation: 30

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I'm not sure if I'm doing this right but my mom passed 8 months ago the 16th of this month and I have beat myself up for the whole 8 of them. I stayed with her at hospital the whole time for a week when she was in hospice. I slept there ,ate there, showered there , never left her room and the minute I left room to make a phone call she died . I was out of room maybe 10 minutes but her best friend was in there with her or I wouldn't have moved for a second. But when I got back in room the nurse was checking her vitals and said she's gone. I felt horrible and have this whole time until I read other stories on here that had the same thing happen. So I feel a little better but I was very close to my mom. We talked or seen each other several times a day and now she's gone. I am glad I found this forum. Thank you
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Old 11-05-2018, 05:26 PM
 
8,296 posts, read 8,628,067 times
Reputation: 10297
Oh, no! Don't beat yourself up. It sounds like you were a wonderful, caring, attentive person. It's normal for you to be unhappy after her death, but if you're feeling guilty, maybe you'd like to talk to a counselor. Personally, I don't believe in trying to find deeper meaning where there is none, but if you think your mother was waiting, then you should be pleased and grateful, that even in her death she was being considerate of you.
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Old 11-05-2018, 07:05 PM
 
Location: Planet Woof
3,082 posts, read 3,283,078 times
Reputation: 9455
It happens a lot. There is a recent thread on here about it. It happened to me with my partner and it happened with my mother-in-law. Some how they need that space alone to let go and move on. If your mom was in hospice then you can avail yourself of a counselor or support group through them. I have done that and it has helped me a lot.
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Old 11-06-2018, 02:57 AM
 
Location: Mid-Atlantic
23,132 posts, read 22,166,387 times
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Three times. My mom, mother-in-law, and father-in-law all decided to leave, slip away, when we weren't watching.

You have to sleep some time... or make a call, use the bathroom, eat.

You didn't do anything wrong or bad.
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Old 11-06-2018, 05:33 PM
 
1,300 posts, read 657,004 times
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This is quite common. I think it is just a journey they prefer to do alone. Mine was at home, but passed in the 2 minutes I left to make a phone call. I have heard a lot of similar stories. You did nothing wrong and she knew you were there - I think they just prefer to go alone in those final moments.
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Old 11-06-2018, 10:46 PM
 
Location: Michigan
6 posts, read 1,150 times
Reputation: 23
My mom passed away three and a half months ago. I was pretty busy but prioritized being with her especially in the last two weeks of her life (not that we knew that at the time), sleeping over probably 10-12 nights. I lost track, it was a mentally busy time. I told her I would always be in the chair in the corner of the room. She felt downhill on the night I wasn’t there, the night I took a break for myself because I was becoming mentally exhausted from many other things in life. It was difficult out to get good sleep where she was, and I didn’t know that she would go downhill quickly. One tries to rationalize symptoms and things, and she had been doing well for a while, contrary to what people had said. So...it was just one night, right? I could have been there but wasn’t. I can empathize with you. She appreciated everything you did for her! You need to believe it, as I need to believe it.
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Old 11-13-2018, 11:10 PM
 
Location: Mid-Atlantic
23,132 posts, read 22,166,387 times
Reputation: 28238
Quote:
Originally Posted by Thinker23 View Post
My mom passed away three and a half months ago. I was pretty busy but prioritized being with her especially in the last two weeks of her life (not that we knew that at the time), sleeping over probably 10-12 nights. I lost track, it was a mentally busy time. I told her I would always be in the chair in the corner of the room. She felt downhill on the night I wasnít there, the night I took a break for myself because I was becoming mentally exhausted from many other things in life. It was difficult out to get good sleep where she was, and I didnít know that she would go downhill quickly. One tries to rationalize symptoms and things, and she had been doing well for a while, contrary to what people had said. So...it was just one night, right? I could have been there but wasnít. I can empathize with you. She appreciated everything you did for her! You need to believe it, as I need to believe it.
Yes, it was just one night for me. I think she was waiting for me to leave.
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Old 11-13-2018, 11:16 PM
 
Location: la la land
27,955 posts, read 11,787,661 times
Reputation: 19772
Quote:
Originally Posted by Mimigone01 View Post
I'm not sure if I'm doing this right but my mom passed 8 months ago the 16th of this month and I have beat myself up for the whole 8 of them. I stayed with her at hospital the whole time for a week when she was in hospice. I slept there ,ate there, showered there , never left her room and the minute I left room to make a phone call she died . I was out of room maybe 10 minutes but her best friend was in there with her or I wouldn't have moved for a second. But when I got back in room the nurse was checking her vitals and said she's gone. I felt horrible and have this whole time until I read other stories on here that had the same thing happen. So I feel a little better but I was very close to my mom. We talked or seen each other several times a day and now she's gone. I am glad I found this forum. Thank you
It's ok, don't beat yourself up over this. It happened to me twice, with my mom and my brother. I felt awful at first as though I had abandoned them but then I started thinking that maybe that's how they wanted it. What matters is how we love them when they are alive and it sounds like your mom knew how much you loved her, try to be at peace with it and cherish the memories.
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Old 11-15-2018, 09:47 AM
 
3,520 posts, read 3,360,152 times
Reputation: 9008
Quote:
Originally Posted by Mimigone01 View Post
I'm not sure if I'm doing this right but my mom passed 8 months ago the 16th of this month and I have beat myself up for the whole 8 of them. I stayed with her at hospital the whole time for a week when she was in hospice. I slept there ,ate there, showered there , never left her room and the minute I left room to make a phone call she died . I was out of room maybe 10 minutes but her best friend was in there with her or I wouldn't have moved for a second. But when I got back in room the nurse was checking her vitals and said she's gone. I felt horrible and have this whole time until I read other stories on here that had the same thing happen. So I feel a little better but I was very close to my mom. We talked or seen each other several times a day and now she's gone. I am glad I found this forum. Thank you
Hospice staff and hospital staff can tell you that this is common. People seem to be able to somehow delay departing - don't want to do it with loved one present. You were there for your mother. She needed you to go out so she could go.

I was with my mother in the hospital for her last few days of life. She actually finally died when our attention was focused on talking with a nurse in another part of the room, not when it was on her.
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Old 12-06-2018, 09:06 PM
 
Location: Texas
1,415 posts, read 605,507 times
Reputation: 7669
As you can see here, Mimi, this is very common. I'd spent time with my mother every day for over a month when she went into hospice. On Christmas Eve, rather than making the trek back to her house, I stayed with her as it had snowed several inches during the evening and gotten so late. I laid down on a spare bed in her room in my clothes and woke abruptly an hour later. Immediately, I sensed that something was different – and indeed it was: She had slipped away in that brief time around 2am. I hadn't realized the end was so close.

Please don't spend one more minute blaming yourself for leaving for that short time. I don't have an explanation for why this happens, but it does. Even when the person appears to be unresponsive, something seems to allow them to take their exit when the people they love most aren't watching.
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