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Old 12-15-2018, 06:21 PM
 
Location: Texas
7,354 posts, read 2,691,251 times
Reputation: 15529

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Quote:
Originally Posted by harry chickpea View Post
"A good friend said to me “do you think you hastened the death of your parents”. "

Without knowing more, I'd suspect it was inner dialog and curiosity that slipped out.
This is what I think, too.
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Old 12-15-2018, 06:30 PM
 
1,009 posts, read 566,578 times
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Went through same comment from family.
More and more every day I see people who aren't focused on their own lives and their own damn baggage and want to put it on whoever's handy.
I'd set up a lunch date and serve up some revenge, as it is bestserved cold.
People can really be so ungodly balls-ey.
After lunch make a joke about how you poisoned your parents and if she's feeling dizzy yet. Tee hee.Then put her on acquaintance time out for awhile.
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Old 12-15-2018, 06:35 PM
 
6,104 posts, read 2,793,839 times
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Quote:
Originally Posted by susan3681 View Post
Need to add this.

I told her that I felt guilty that I could not help look after my parents as I had been doing prior to my accident. But she said she had not meant that and then asked whether I thought I had hastened their deaths.
That is why I find it so difficult to move past her cruel comments. It was not enough that I felt some guilt but it was not the kind of guilt she thought I should be feeling.
Perhaps she was trying to understand exactly what you meant and even tell you that you shouldn't feel guilty. It seems like she made the only assumption she could come up with regarding why you expressed feeling guilty and then didn't explain herself well or in a way that you understood.

Since you said she is a good friend, I would tell her you were hurt by what she said and give her a chance to explain and/or apologize.

It would be a shame to lose a friendship or avoid someone over what could just be miscommunication. It happens. Sometimes people don't say all the words they need to say, because they assume its crystal clear to the other person what they mean.
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Old 12-15-2018, 07:02 PM
 
4,241 posts, read 3,583,045 times
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Quote:
Originally Posted by Blondy View Post
Perhaps she was trying to understand exactly what you meant and even tell you that you shouldn't feel guilty. It seems like she made the only assumption she could come up with regarding why you expressed feeling guilty and then didn't explain herself well or in a way that you understood.

Since you said she is a good friend, I would tell her you were hurt by what she said and give her a chance to explain and/or apologize.

It would be a shame to lose a friendship or avoid someone over what could just be miscommunication. It happens. Sometimes people don't say all the words they need to say, because they assume its crystal clear to the other person what they mean.

I think this is it. Some people are clumsy. Give her a chance to explain.

You have experienced much loss in a short time. It would be a shame to lose her as a friend, if it was just a miscommunicated question of concern.
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Old 12-15-2018, 08:40 PM
 
Location: The Ozone Layer, apparently...
1,668 posts, read 541,100 times
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Quote:
Originally Posted by Spottednikes View Post
Probably she was wondering if guilt was normal when losing parents due to her situation. It comes down to normal grieving, and feeling that you should have done "x". Don't take it personally.
No doubt, she worded it poorly , and it was hurtful, but its coming from her worry about her own situation and whether guilt is normal.
This.

It would be a shame to turn against her over it. You could both help each other, and maybe she needs your help to work through her own issues. At any rate, only she can tell you what she was thinking when she said it. Everyone here can only put their own feeling about what you describe on her, which is not fair.

She's your good friend right? Invite her over one afternoon for a cup of tea and talk it through.
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Old 12-16-2018, 10:09 AM
 
Location: Loudon, TN
5,074 posts, read 4,364,064 times
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First let me say that I'm very sorry about the loss of your parents. If anything I say makes you think I'm not in sympathy with you, I'm sorry in advance for making you feel that.

I think she was asking the question to get you to see you had no reason to feel any guilt about not being able to help more in your injured condition. This is my take on how the conversation was intended to play out by your friend.

You said "I feel guilty because I couldn't help my parents more after I broke my arm..."

She said "Do you think you hastened their death?" knowing full well that you didn't, and knowing that you knew that too.

She was expecting you to say "No, I know that mom had cancer and dad's heart was giving out".

Then she would have said "See, you have nothing to feel guilty about. You couldn't have changed what happened".

I think she was trying to figure out WHY you felt guilty, and then "reason" you out of your guilt. Feeling guilt implies that you did something wrong, even if you didn't. I think she wanted you to see that you did nothing wrong, they would have died anyway, and probably not lived one minute longer than they did, no matter what you did or didn't do for them.

Sometimes we say things in a way that others don't understand our meaning, or that we are trying to go somewhere logically with something we say, and if the conversation is ended before the point they were trying to make plays out, it comes off in an unintended way.

Last edited by TheShadow; 12-16-2018 at 11:12 AM..
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Old 12-16-2018, 11:01 AM
 
3,126 posts, read 1,682,762 times
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Quote:
Originally Posted by susan3681 View Post
A good friend said to me “do you think you hastened the death of your parents”.
This was said when she was visiting me at home although she did seem a bit aggressive in her attitude and comments generally.
I have never been so hurt by anything except when my parents died.

Background to her comment is:

Her husband died aged 65 following my friend finding him murmuring early in bed one day. He had been discharged the day he had a stent inserted.
My friend found him unconscious in the bed in the spare room and due to no cell phone signal, she delayed getting help by knocking on door of a nurse within her apartment block. CPR was administered very late and her husband was brain damaged and died within hours of her deciding to withdraw life support.

My father was 90 and my mother was 87 and Dad had heart problems. He had been saying for a few months that he had no quality of life and felt unwell and was happy to “move on”.

About 6 weeks before my father died in hospital I was knocked over by a lorry and had my arm amputated.
Of course my parents were upset but they both visited me in hospital and I moved in with them and we had some lovely moments.
Dad had another of his episodes and after his death Mum became ill 3 months later and was diagnosed with secondary cancer, She refused treatment and died at home in my arms. They had been married for 65 years.

I still see my friend but things are not the same and I greatly resent what she said to me. It felt like she was transferring her guilt onto me but nothing excuses what she said to me.
Just wondered if anyone had any views on why she said it.
I’m sorry, are you saying you care about the comments of a woman who literally hastened the death of her own husband by dragging her feet getting him care the day after he had a stent put in? Snap out of it Moderator cut: We doe not use pejoratives in this forum.. You did nothing wrong.

Last edited by harry chickpea; 12-16-2018 at 03:42 PM..
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Old 12-16-2018, 11:10 AM
 
Location: Teach an Fhir Bholg
11,908 posts, read 13,323,998 times
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Quote:
Originally Posted by susan3681 View Post
....I still see my friend but things are not the same and I greatly resent what she said to me. It felt like she was transferring her guilt onto me but nothing excuses what she said to me.
Just wondered if anyone had any views on why she said it.
As you summarize your situation with your parents the comment is simply off-the-wall. And my reaction wouldn't be hurt, I don't believe, but rather "Where is she coming from?" Because it does not seem to from observing your situation very closely.

I can only guess that she is perhaps preoccupied with what happened to her, and is running that preoccupation through your situation without much/any thought.
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Old 12-16-2018, 11:59 AM
 
Location: Chicago area
13,385 posts, read 7,389,498 times
Reputation: 50915
Okay, all we see is one snippet of a friendship that could be decades old? Yes your friend was insensitive, but was it done in malice or was it just a stupid mistake? Talk to her when you're both not so emotional. We've all said and done stupid things. Some of them should be forgiven, other's not so much. You know which side of the fence that friendship belongs on.

I'm very sorry for your losses and what happened to you. You've clearly been through more than the average human being should endure. I hope it gets better for you soon and you have a good support system. Hugs.
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Old 12-16-2018, 05:04 PM
 
3,530 posts, read 3,311,643 times
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It was a yes/no question. I would just say "No" and change the subject.
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