U.S. CitiesCity-Data Forum Index
Go Back   City-Data Forum > General Forums > Grief and Mourning
 [Register]
Please register to participate in our discussions with 2 million other members - it's free and quick! Some forums can only be seen by registered members. After you create your account, you'll be able to customize options and access all our 15,000 new posts/day with fewer ads.
View detailed profile (Advanced) or search
site with Google Custom Search

Search Forums  (Advanced)
Reply Start New Thread
 
Old 12-16-2018, 05:28 PM
 
560 posts, read 816,440 times
Reputation: 567

Advertisements

Well I'm sorry for the loss of your arm and hope that you are healing . Certainly do not take on guilt from the result of moving home. Your Mom was probably happiest to have you close.
Reply With Quote Quick reply to this message

 
Old 12-16-2018, 06:41 PM
 
817 posts, read 225,148 times
Reputation: 1258
OP, I’m sorry that your “friend” said that. Truly horrible.
Reply With Quote Quick reply to this message
 
Old 12-16-2018, 06:45 PM
 
Location: Eugene, Oregon
7,559 posts, read 2,388,627 times
Reputation: 10411
People can be cruel to one another, whether it's just ignorance of the true nature of the situation or deliberate meanness. My father was stricken with a condition that led to his death, two years later. I had moved to a house that was less than a mile away and went to help with him a couple of times a day. Then, when his health became worse, I had to move back to the family home, to be able to provide adequate care for him. I gave up my own house, had to end a long-term relationship with a woman and give up a new job.

I sometimes had to stay up with him all night, to let my mother get some sleep and did all the shopping and home and property maintenance. I did what I could, but his time was up. At his graveside funeral, an older cousin came up to me and said, "Now that your father has passed, you're going to have to step up and start meeting your family responsibilities".

Best wishes for you, Susan and I hope your life improves and you are able to deal with the challenge of using a prosthetic arm. I have worked as an instructor in adaptive physical education and have seen remarkable things that people have done in dealing with their impairments. Note that there's a difference between an impairment and a disability.

Last edited by Steve McDonald; 12-16-2018 at 06:53 PM..
Reply With Quote Quick reply to this message
 
Old 12-16-2018, 08:19 PM
Status: "People and tear gas - either it's a border or it isn't." (set 26 days ago)
 
Location: New York Area
13,786 posts, read 5,446,221 times
Reputation: 11004
Quote:
Originally Posted by susan3681 View Post
A good friend said to me “do you think you hastened the death of your parents”.
This was said when she was visiting me at home although she did seem a bit aggressive in her attitude and comments generally.
I have never been so hurt by anything except when my parents died.
On January 4, 1973, as school was letting out, I was telling my friend, Bob, that my father was hours or days away from dying of cancer. Ken walked up to me and told me "serves him (my father) right for smoking." My father died in the wee hours on January 5, 1973.

Also that week, just before my Dad passed, I was waiting to see one of my teachers. A teacher from the previous year who definitely didn't like me said, "are you having problems again?" She cut her losses when I told her what the problem was.

Some people just don't know how to handle themselves with impending or just-past death. Sounds like your friend was one of those.
Reply With Quote Quick reply to this message
 
Old 12-16-2018, 08:24 PM
 
Location: State of Grace
1,532 posts, read 1,077,551 times
Reputation: 2509
Quote:
Originally Posted by susan3681 View Post
A good friend said to me “do you think you hastened the death of your parents”.
This was said when she was visiting me at home although she did seem a bit aggressive in her attitude and comments generally.
I have never been so hurt by anything except when my parents died.

Background to her comment is:

Her husband died aged 65 following my friend finding him murmuring early in bed one day. He had been discharged the day he had a stent inserted.
My friend found him unconscious in the bed in the spare room and due to no cell phone signal, she delayed getting help by knocking on door of a nurse within her apartment block. CPR was administered very late and her husband was brain damaged and died within hours of her deciding to withdraw life support.

My father was 90 and my mother was 87 and Dad had heart problems. He had been saying for a few months that he had no quality of life and felt unwell and was happy to “move on”.

About 6 weeks before my father died in hospital I was knocked over by a lorry and had my arm amputated.
Of course my parents were upset but they both visited me in hospital and I moved in with them and we had some lovely moments.
Dad had another of his episodes and after his death Mum became ill 3 months later and was diagnosed with secondary cancer, She refused treatment and died at home in my arms. They had been married for 65 years.

I still see my friend but things are not the same and I greatly resent what she said to me. It felt like she was transferring her guilt onto me but nothing excuses what she said to me.
Just wondered if anyone had any views on why she said it.

Susan, some people have a talent for saying the most horrific, cruel, and stupid things at the worst possible times in our lives. They are ignorant; forgive them. If they are genuinely cruel, forgive them. You can’t ‘fix’ stupid so forgive them too, and don’t forget to forgive yourself.

We humans have a tendency to hang on to the ‘bad stuff.’ We often carry it with us throughout our whole lives, as we imprison ourselves with ‘what ifs’ and ‘maybes,’ along with a hearty helping of ‘should I haves’ and ‘I wish I hadn’ts.’

How dare you jump out in front of a lorry and have your arm amputated? Why, your parents may both have lived to be a thousand ‘if only’ (another perennial) you hadn’t been so selfish. See how absurd that looks written down on a page? It *is* absurd, but we *all* do it, and we wonder... Dear Lord, how we wonder, and we are the *last* person to forgive ourselves, even though we didn’t do anything! Somebody said we did so it might be true, right?

The fact that this still bothers you, Susan, tells me that you are a kind and decent person who loves her parents deeply. (I’ve been counselling people for 45 years.) If you didn’t care, what your friend said wouldn’t bother you. If the chambers of your heart are still echoing her words along with all the ‘what ifs’ and ‘maybes,’ you need to evict those words tout suite! You did not hasten your parents’ deaths. We each of us have an appointed time on this earth, and you, dear lady, are not that powerful!

Whatever her motivation was, forgive your friend anyway. As I said earlier, you can’t ‘fix’ stupid, and most of us are loaded with stupidity potential. I’m so sorry that your friend let hers out to play when you were most vulnerable.

I pray that your parents Rest In Peace, and that you learn to live in peace.

May God Bless and be with you.


Love and All Good Things,


Mahrie.
Reply With Quote Quick reply to this message
 
Old 12-16-2018, 09:08 PM
 
723 posts, read 159,529 times
Reputation: 1413
Quote:
Originally Posted by susan3681 View Post
A good friend said to me “do you think you hastened the death of your parents”.
You need to find a new friend. This isn't even remotely a nice thing to say to anyone at any time.
Reply With Quote Quick reply to this message
 
Old 12-16-2018, 09:18 PM
Status: "People and tear gas - either it's a border or it isn't." (set 26 days ago)
 
Location: New York Area
13,786 posts, read 5,446,221 times
Reputation: 11004
Quote:
Originally Posted by susan3681 View Post
A good friend said to me “do you think you hastened the death of your parents”.
This was said when she was visiting me at home although she did seem a bit aggressive in her attitude and comments generally.
I have never been so hurt by anything except when my parents died.
Disparaging Remarks to Family of Mourner About Loyalty to Deceased. Similar story but different enough to require new thread.
Reply With Quote Quick reply to this message
 
Old 12-16-2018, 10:45 PM
 
2,336 posts, read 874,461 times
Reputation: 4477
You gave your parents the gift of your presence. Their lives were better because of you.

Your friend is a deranged creep. Toxic people make others around them sick. Be healthy.
Reply With Quote Quick reply to this message
 
Old 12-17-2018, 09:53 AM
 
Location: Central New Jersey
1,926 posts, read 666,372 times
Reputation: 3250
90 and 87...... How much longer did your "friend" think they would last? Not to sound crude but they both lived longer than the national average and if I could sign a paper guaranteeing I reach either of them numbers, I'd sign away without hesitation. So long as I'm healthy and able to care for myself mentally and physically. If I can't, then I wouldn't wanna be a burden on my loved ones.
In time of grieving, some people don't know what to say and I personally don't attend wakes or funerals anymore for that reason. In the past some wakes were too sad, everyone's crying. While others were like a party, everyone's laughing and drinking in the back room. I stay away from all of that.
Reply With Quote Quick reply to this message
 
Old 12-17-2018, 02:50 PM
 
2,336 posts, read 874,461 times
Reputation: 4477
Quote:
Originally Posted by joee5 View Post
90 and 87...... How much longer did your "friend" think they would last? Not to sound crude but they both lived longer than the national average and if I could sign a paper guaranteeing I reach either of them numbers, I'd sign away without hesitation. So long as I'm healthy and able to care for myself mentally and physically. If I can't, then I wouldn't wanna be a burden on my loved ones.
In time of grieving, some people don't know what to say and I personally don't attend wakes or funerals anymore for that reason. In the past some wakes were too sad, everyone's crying. While others were like a party, everyone's laughing and drinking in the back room. I stay away from all of that.
It is crude to suggest 90 or 87 year old have lived long enough because they have lived longer than the average person.
Reply With Quote Quick reply to this message
Please register to post and access all features of our very popular forum. It is free and quick. Over $68,000 in prizes has already been given out to active posters on our forum. Additional giveaways are planned.

Detailed information about all U.S. cities, counties, and zip codes on our site: City-data.com.


Reply

Quick Reply
Message:

Over $104,000 in prizes was already given out to active posters on our forum and additional giveaways are planned!

Go Back   City-Data Forum > General Forums > Grief and Mourning
Follow City-Data.com founder on our Forum or

All times are GMT -6.

© 2005-2018, Advameg, Inc.

City-Data.com - Archive 1, 2, 3, 4, 5, 6, 7, 8, 9, 10, 11, 12, 13, 14, 15, 16, 17, 18, 19, 20, 21, 22, 23, 24, 25, 26, 27, 28, 29, 30, 31, 32, 33, 34, 35 - Top