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Old 12-15-2018, 10:13 AM
 
Location: London, UK
5 posts, read 12,975 times
Reputation: 23

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A good friend said to me “do you think you hastened the death of your parents”.
This was said when she was visiting me at home although she did seem a bit aggressive in her attitude and comments generally.
I have never been so hurt by anything except when my parents died.

Background to her comment is:

Her husband died aged 65 following my friend finding him murmuring early in bed one day. He had been discharged the day he had a stent inserted.
My friend found him unconscious in the bed in the spare room and due to no cell phone signal, she delayed getting help by knocking on door of a nurse within her apartment block. CPR was administered very late and her husband was brain damaged and died within hours of her deciding to withdraw life support.

My father was 90 and my mother was 87 and Dad had heart problems. He had been saying for a few months that he had no quality of life and felt unwell and was happy to “move on”.

About 6 weeks before my father died in hospital I was knocked over by a lorry and had my arm amputated.
Of course my parents were upset but they both visited me in hospital and I moved in with them and we had some lovely moments.
Dad had another of his episodes and after his death Mum became ill 3 months later and was diagnosed with secondary cancer, She refused treatment and died at home in my arms. They had been married for 65 years.

I still see my friend but things are not the same and I greatly resent what she said to me. It felt like she was transferring her guilt onto me but nothing excuses what she said to me.
Just wondered if anyone had any views on why she said it.
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Old 12-15-2018, 10:36 AM
 
Location: El paso,tx
1,557 posts, read 610,839 times
Reputation: 2456
Probably she was wondering if guilt was normal when losing parents due to her situation. It comes down to normal grieving, and feeling that you should have done "x". Don't take it personally.
No doubt, she worded it poorly , and it was hurtful, but its coming from her worry about her own situation and whether guilt is normal.
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Old 12-15-2018, 10:43 AM
 
Location: Michigan
1,888 posts, read 1,212,738 times
Reputation: 4225
Perhaps she feels a bit guilty of the way she handled her husband at the end, and thinks she probably hastened his death. So, it's probably a simple case of transference, and she's still working through her own issue. She might be completely oblivious to the fact that her question(s) upset you.
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Old 12-15-2018, 11:07 AM
 
518 posts, read 109,608 times
Reputation: 1386
Moderator cut: See forum sticky. We don't call names or engage in casual denigrating here. Why is it you consider her a good friend? I would make her an acquaintance. People sometimes don't know what to say to someone that is grieving, but your friend certainly took it to a new level.

Last edited by harry chickpea; 12-15-2018 at 12:08 PM..
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Old 12-15-2018, 12:16 PM
 
Location: Somewhere in northern Alabama
17,035 posts, read 51,917,890 times
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"A good friend said to me “do you think you hastened the death of your parents”. "

Without knowing more, I'd suspect it was inner dialog and curiosity that slipped out. Can stress hasten death? Sure. Can stress be avoided? Not always. I'd put it as tacky, but recognize that good friends often make awkward comments that they might not in less secure company.
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Old 12-15-2018, 01:47 PM
 
Location: SWFL
21,804 posts, read 18,411,590 times
Reputation: 19272
Quote:
Originally Posted by harry chickpea View Post
"A good friend said to me “do you think you hastened the death of your parents”. "

Without knowing more, I'd suspect it was inner dialog and curiosity that slipped out. Can stress hasten death? Sure. Can stress be avoided? Not always. I'd put it as tacky, but recognize that good friends often make awkward comments that they might not in less secure company.
Very true, Harry. I have made the mistake of being so comfortable with another person that I didn't have my filter on and really stuck my foot in it. You just never know.
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Old 12-15-2018, 02:46 PM
 
Location: London, UK
5 posts, read 12,975 times
Reputation: 23
Need to add this.

I told her that I felt guilty that I could not help look after my parents as I had been doing prior to my accident. But she said she had not meant that and then asked whether I thought I had hastened their deaths.
That is why I find it so difficult to move past her cruel comments. It was not enough that I felt some guilt but it was not the kind of guilt she thought I should be feeling.
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Old 12-15-2018, 02:57 PM
 
Location: Somewhere in northern Alabama
17,035 posts, read 51,917,890 times
Reputation: 28148
Quote:
Originally Posted by susan3681 View Post
Need to add this.

I told her that I felt guilty that I could not help look after my parents as I had been doing prior to my accident. But she said she had not meant that and then asked whether I thought I had hastened their deaths.
That is why I find it so difficult to move past her cruel comments. It was not enough that I felt some guilt but it was not the kind of guilt she thought I should be feeling.
I'm not disagreeing with the way it sounded, but you might want to check it out further with her. There is a way of saying something that sounds extreme to someone who is beating themself up, so that the listener HAS to respond in a negative and abandon that thought.

Example:
Did you MEAN to spill that tiny spot of soapy water so your son could slip on it when he raced through at ninety miles an hour?

Well, uh, no.

Then you are not responsible for his bruised bottom.
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Old 12-15-2018, 05:03 PM
 
Location: SWFL
21,804 posts, read 18,411,590 times
Reputation: 19272
Why not just ask her "what do you MEAN that I may have HASTENED their deaths?"

Put it right out there. No beating around the bush.

Annnnd, if you want to put an end to this "good" friendship, you can say "like YOU did with your Mum?"

Yes, I know how to go for the jugular.
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Old 12-15-2018, 05:09 PM
 
7,365 posts, read 3,017,221 times
Reputation: 10067
Just distance yourself from her. Don’t dwell on it. You know the truth, she doesn’t. Just enjoy your life.
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