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Old 12-16-2018, 09:17 PM
Status: "People and tear gas - either it's a border or it isn't." (set 24 days ago)
 
Location: New York Area
13,761 posts, read 5,432,829 times
Reputation: 10993

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Quote:
Originally Posted by susan3681 View Post
A good friend said to me “do you think you hastened the death of your parents”.
This was said when she was visiting me at home although she did seem a bit aggressive in her attitude and comments generally.
I have never been so hurt by anything except when my parents died.
I have a similar story but the victim was my mother. After my father's funeral on January 7, 1973 one of my mother's "friends", Lenny commented "I hear you are a merry widow." The genesis of that comment was that an old college boyfriend, Harvey, contacted her and she returned the call. My father's death, at that point, was imminent and inevitable as my father's cancer had metastasized to the liver. See When Should a Parent Tell Their Offspring That Other Parent is Fatally Ill? Nothing came of the phone call and a subsequent lunch. Why my mother told her friends I will never know. I would have encouraged her to continue meeting Harvey because, quite frankly, I did not think she would do well as a widow or a single mother.

Fortunately, about a month after my father's death she met my soon-to-be stepfather and they re married a year and a half later. He died about 39 years later; she died a year after that.
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Old 12-17-2018, 03:09 PM
Status: "People and tear gas - either it's a border or it isn't." (set 24 days ago)
 
Location: New York Area
13,761 posts, read 5,432,829 times
Reputation: 10993
We have several people that rent space within our office suite. One of them lost his wife just before Thanksgiving. He returned to work about 10 days ago. Another renter said, "(this guy) just has to get on with his life." Luckily, not to his face.
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Old 12-17-2018, 04:46 PM
 
Location: Nantahala National Forest, NC
19,622 posts, read 4,089,961 times
Reputation: 24777
Many are without true empathy...or think they are superior making such remarks.

Best to just ignore and move on
unless
you want to discuss privately with them...start out with... I heard your comments and feel you are out of place with your remarks...etc. Focus on the words not the speaker.

I had someone say something sarcastic at my mother's funeral. I just made sure I was no longer in her orbit....never saw her again.
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Old 12-17-2018, 06:57 PM
 
Location: Worcester MA
483 posts, read 158,849 times
Reputation: 1121
That was a rude and mean spirited comment to make to your mother after your father's passing, but unfortunately some people cannot seem to help but make inappropriate comments at the worst times.
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Old 12-18-2018, 04:36 PM
Status: "People and tear gas - either it's a border or it isn't." (set 24 days ago)
 
Location: New York Area
13,761 posts, read 5,432,829 times
Reputation: 10993
Quote:
Originally Posted by Taffee72 View Post
That was a rude and mean spirited comment to make to your mother after your father's passing, but unfortunately some people cannot seem to help but make inappropriate comments at the worst times.
Some people just like to hear themselves talk. They imagine that what they have to say is profound. Mostly it is poorly considered.
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Old Today, 03:40 PM
 
Location: Somewhere in northern Alabama
17,055 posts, read 51,984,493 times
Reputation: 28184
Re-opened at OP request. Stay on topic.
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Old Today, 04:16 PM
 
Location: SWFL
21,855 posts, read 18,443,310 times
Reputation: 19353
Hey, I was just trying to calm the situation down.
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Old Today, 06:36 PM
Status: "People and tear gas - either it's a border or it isn't." (set 24 days ago)
 
Location: New York Area
13,761 posts, read 5,432,829 times
Reputation: 10993
Quote:
Originally Posted by tamiznluv View Post
Hey, I was just trying to calm the situation down.
Thanks. I received a sincere apology so your work was done.


I went to a Shiva call last night where everyone was nice, the family of the deceased was classy and the cantor was in good voice and perfect form. Model for what condolence call should be.
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Old Today, 08:13 PM
Status: "People and tear gas - either it's a border or it isn't." (set 24 days ago)
 
Location: New York Area
13,761 posts, read 5,432,829 times
Reputation: 10993
It is around this season that I commemorate three deaths in my family:
  1. My father's, on January 5, 1973, when I was 15;
  2. My stepfather's, on December 24, 2013; and
  3. My mother's on December 17, 2014.
The formal memorialization is hearing their names read in synagogue. I often collapse these readings into a common date. My father's is the most memorable for several reasons:
  1. That my being informed that he was terminal was poorly handled (link);
  2. That there was an extraordinary amount of bad behavior associated with the death and mourning period, some of which are discussed in this thread and some elsewhere;
  3. That the events brought me back to be a moderately observant Jew (link);
  4. That the events made it necessary to reshuffle who I considered a friend (link); and
  5. That I was 15 at the time.
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