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Old 01-13-2019, 10:30 PM
 
33 posts, read 20,830 times
Reputation: 43

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I took care of my father for about 6-7 months as he was sick with terminal cancer. Before that, he had another diagnosis but was told he had beaten it.

To put it simply, in late summer 2017 he was diagnosed with bladder cancer and recovered in November. April he showed symptoms again and deteriorated up until the point of his passing in October.


I have cried constantly, but then I have streaks of great days / weeks. I turned on some folk music and Phil Ochs came on, "When I'm gone" started to play and it hit me - my father does not exist.

He was cremated. I am thankful knowing that he no longer has a psychical shell but this is so strange. My mind does not comprehend that he does not exist. It's this endless loop of trying to think about something, only to have it be way too dream like and then I basically just shut it out.


It feels like a dream, it really does.

I am 26 now. I understand that this may be young for some to lose a parent but I have friends who were parent-less before they were legal drinking age.

Either way, the point of this post is that I watched him die. I carried him to his bed and held him as he walked to the bathroom. I ran the IV's and gave him fluids. I saw him day after day deteriorate. First he could go out to the store with me, needing some help of course. Then he didn't want to go much further then the back yard. After that, he'd only come down stairs when the nurses came. Soon enough he couldn't come down stairs, then he could no longer leave the bed.... After he was bed bound, he'd slowly forget where we were and what conversations we had.... and then he just slept...

I do not know if I went through the shock already?
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Old 01-14-2019, 12:30 AM
 
4,126 posts, read 5,388,794 times
Reputation: 4754
Dear Tommy, I am very sorry that you have had to go through this. I also lost my father when I was 26 (from heart disease), but I didn't go through all the care-giving that you did. My mom did that, and I was out of state. I don't know if you are still in shock. I'm not a psychologist, and wouldn't be able to determine that. But I know that you are in acute grief. We all read about the "stages" of grief, but my experience is that people don't go step-wise through those stages. Neither is there any time attached to them. In addition, we sometimes skip one stage or another. So I wouldn't think too much about that.

The fact is that at a relatively young age, you have gone through a very traumatic experience, and at the end of it, have lost your father. It sounds as though you did have some nurses to help (hospice?) but you mention nothing about any other family. Did you not have support during all this? I know that care giving during cancer is a huge thing. I did it, but I was 58 when my husband became ill, and our son was there often, as was my sister and members of our church. Did you have that kind of support from family members? No matter if you did or not, you need support now. Do you have close friends, family, or others that you can talk to? It is important to talk to someone in order to process both what you have been through, and your current feelings. If you don't have anyone around, you might want to try a grief group through hospice or individual counseling. People in your situation can and do go on with life, do integrate their feelings, do go on to have happy lives. But you need to make it through this ocean of grief and trauma to get there. You have a lot of life ahead of you.

There are a lot of caring, experienced people on this forum. Please write back to tell us how you are doing, what you need, what your questions are. We will try our best to support you from afar. But know that what you are experiencing is normal, and you will make it through.
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Old 01-14-2019, 06:09 AM
 
111 posts, read 10,628 times
Reputation: 60
Im so sorry Tommy and also to you Grasshopper

26 is quite young to lose a parent

Tommy it doesnt matter how long you go thru shock,we all heal at our own pace........


Peace and love to you my friend!!
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Old 01-14-2019, 10:20 AM
 
Location: SWFL
22,164 posts, read 18,683,440 times
Reputation: 19912
Tommy, I am very sorry for your loss. Dad may not exist in bodily form anymore but he is still alive and very much a part of your life in your memories.

They can't talk back or hug me but my Mom, Dad and husband are still very much alive in my heart and mind.

Best wishes to you and may your healing be at hand.
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Old 01-17-2019, 12:36 AM
 
Location: El paso,tx
1,647 posts, read 654,200 times
Reputation: 2683
Tommy i'm so sorry for your loss. I've heard thst sons have harder times with losing a dad, and women losing a mom. I lost my dad in 85, and my mom last july 30. I was with my mom in the hospital for a month before she died, and then 2 weeks at home in hospice, caring for her. I am having a much harder time dealing with the loss of my mom.
I think caring for them, watching them decline, and then just being gone, really hits you hard.
You dont just grieve, and be done. You will randomly be hit by waves of grief. It seems hard to accept that they have passed, at times. I still find myself reaching for the phone, to call my mom and tell her about a funny thing that happened, then i remember that shes gone.
If you read books, George Anderson has some good ones, like "We do not die", and We are not Forgotten". They give you comfort, knowing that they have passed on, but are still around.
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Old Yesterday, 10:25 AM
 
38,548 posts, read 19,630,986 times
Reputation: 12348
Quote:
Originally Posted by tommy92l View Post
I took care of my father for about 6-7 months as he was sick with terminal cancer. Before that, he had another diagnosis but was told he had beaten it.

To put it simply, in late summer 2017 he was diagnosed with bladder cancer and recovered in November. April he showed symptoms again and deteriorated up until the point of his passing in October.


I have cried constantly, but then I have streaks of great days / weeks. I turned on some folk music and Phil Ochs came on, "When I'm gone" started to play and it hit me - my father does not exist.

He was cremated. I am thankful knowing that he no longer has a psychical shell but this is so strange. My mind does not comprehend that he does not exist. It's this endless loop of trying to think about something, only to have it be way too dream like and then I basically just shut it out.


It feels like a dream, it really does.

I am 26 now. I understand that this may be young for some to lose a parent but I have friends who were parent-less before they were legal drinking age.

Either way, the point of this post is that I watched him die. I carried him to his bed and held him as he walked to the bathroom. I ran the IV's and gave him fluids. I saw him day after day deteriorate. First he could go out to the store with me, needing some help of course. Then he didn't want to go much further then the back yard. After that, he'd only come down stairs when the nurses came. Soon enough he couldn't come down stairs, then he could no longer leave the bed.... After he was bed bound, he'd slowly forget where we were and what conversations we had.... and then he just slept...

I do not know if I went through the shock already?
Tommy, my dad died when I was 32 and like you it was a shock. I cried all the time, felt like I was there but not there. It was like someone reached in and ripped my heart out. That was over 20 years ago. You'll have the times you described, it's really a strange feeling and you'll be all over the place but as we know (and sounds so cold) you'll get through it. Life is good but these are the times that life is so cruel.

Mom just passed . For some reason I keep thinking, mom doesn't know she is dead, she's not suffering, it helps. Then I remember Dad always saying our spirit is energy and energy doesn't disappear, it has to go somewhere. I'm counting on a loving place as they describe heaven.

Even though I experienced losing both parents I just wish I knew what to say to make you feel better but don't
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Old Yesterday, 11:15 AM
 
Location: Nantahala National Forest, NC
21,534 posts, read 4,520,636 times
Reputation: 26352
Sorry for your loss....yes, you are young to lose a parent.

How wonderful that you were his caregiver for a period. It brings you so close to the person...how grateful and glad he must have been that you did this.

As said, we experience death differently, each one of us. You need to continue to grieve as you see fit. It's easy to wish you'd quickly get over the pain but it doesn't work that way.

Go at your own pace, find someone you can talk honestly with...and, time will heal your wounds. And then hopefully you'll just be left with your fond memories.
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Old Today, 09:52 AM
 
Location: Columbia SC
8,365 posts, read 7,146,141 times
Reputation: 11237
Tommy

Depending on your Father's pain and condition, he might have welcomed death. Be thankful he is no longer suffering.
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