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Old 01-29-2019, 08:40 PM
 
Location: Fort Lauderdale, Florida
8,564 posts, read 7,857,113 times
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Quote:
Originally Posted by CorporateCowboy View Post
I am sorry for your loss, too. In my situation, she did give birth - but had multiple complications (which started in her pregnancy). The hardest part is when people I meet ask if Iím a Dad. I never know how to answer that - without a lot of questions or confusion.
Just answer that you aren't at the moment but cannot wait to be a dad!

So very sorry for your loss.

My husband lost his 26 year old son and we never tell people that we aren't close to.
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Old 01-29-2019, 08:55 PM
 
Location: Forest bathing
1,540 posts, read 852,064 times
Reputation: 3508
I have a friend who lost her bright, beautiful, talented daughter at 15. She channeled that grief into series of books grief-specific. Perhaps one or more of her books can help. She is an amazing woman.

https://www.amazon.com/Lynda-Cheldel...8816826&sr=8-2
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Old 01-29-2019, 11:15 PM
 
Location: San Francisco
869 posts, read 176,385 times
Reputation: 350
Thanks for the kind words to all. If nothing else, it helped to just Ďput it out thereí and make it Ďpublicí. Itís something Iíve kept quiet about for almost two years, with the exception of close family and friends - and even then, itís not discussed too much. A new friend in my life has encouraged me to talk about it more - and it was a good start for me to post this. Thanks for the feedback!
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Old 01-29-2019, 11:22 PM
 
4,170 posts, read 5,414,611 times
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I am sorry that you have suffered so. I lost a child, too, but it was mid-pregnancy, not a term delivery. I had one son after that, who is now 32. In casual conversation, I generally say that I have one son. I only mention my daughter when the conversation is more private or among friends.

I understand that you have been caring for your child's mom, and not really grieving yourself. I have seen this in young parents who lose their spouse, and are so concerned with taking care of their children's grief that they ignore their own. The way I look at it is that we all have to grieve, one way or another. If we put it off because we are more concerned with the grief of another, that doesn't mean that our own grieving will not be necessary, just that it has been put off. You need to take the time to grieve, to process the loss. You will never "get over it," but you will get to a point where it is easier to live with, where the loss becomes integrated, just a part of you. I think that you are right that you don't have many good memories to recall. Remembering is such a big part of grieving, and you don't have that much. But remembering the anticipation of the birth, the feeling of her moving before birth, and even the dreams you had I would think are things that might be on your mind. It sounds like you have also lost the relationship with the baby's mother. I don't know if that is something you are grieving, but it may be part of the mix.

Grieving is such an individual thing. When I lost my husband, I had a real need to get out in the early morning to experience the coolness, the quiet, the beauty of nature. It was comforting to me. We all find ways to bring peace to our hearts, even with all the pain. Do whatever feels good to you.

A support group for grieving parents may work, but you need to avoid situations where people want to compare the "degree" of grief to each other. One parent may think that they are grieving more because they actually lived with their child for x years, and they may feel that your pain is "less than." In my mind, that kind of comparison is completely invalid and damaging (to both parties,) and you should avoid any situation that starts to get into that. With a good group, the person leading it should not allow that to happen.

A group, however, is not the only way to grieve. It helps to have a sympathetic ear. We all need support. People who have been through something similar may be able to empathize more, but some people are natural listeners who, regardless of their past losses, can listen to YOUR feelings with acceptance and empathy. You have been supporting your child's mom. That is such an important, kind and loving thing to do. Now You need to be the one you are nurturing.
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Old 01-29-2019, 11:32 PM
 
Location: San Francisco
869 posts, read 176,385 times
Reputation: 350
Quote:
Originally Posted by G Grasshopper View Post
I am sorry that you have suffered so. I lost a child, too, but it was mid-pregnancy, not a term delivery. I had one son after that, who is now 32. In casual conversation, I generally say that I have one son. I only mention my daughter when the conversation is more private or among friends.

I understand that you have been caring for your child's mom, and not really grieving yourself. I have seen this in young parents who lose their spouse, and are so concerned with taking care of their children's grief that they ignore their own. The way I look at it is that we all have to grieve, one way or another. If we put it off because we are more concerned with the grief of another, that doesn't mean that our own grieving will not be necessary, just that it has been put off. You need to take the time to grieve, to process the loss. You will never "get over it," but you will get to a point where it is easier to live with, where the loss becomes integrated, just a part of you. I think that you are right that you don't have many good memories to recall. Remembering is such a big part of grieving, and you don't have that much. But remembering the anticipation of the birth, the feeling of her moving before birth, and even the dreams you had I would think are things that might be on your mind. It sounds like you have also lost the relationship with the baby's mother. I don't know if that is something you are grieving, but it may be part of the mix.

Grieving is such an individual thing. When I lost my husband, I had a real need to get out in the early morning to experience the coolness, the quiet, the beauty of nature. It was comforting to me. We all find ways to bring peace to our hearts, even with all the pain. Do whatever feels good to you.

A support group for grieving parents may work, but you need to avoid situations where people want to compare the "degree" of grief to each other. One parent may think that they are grieving more because they actually lived with their child for x years, and they may feel that your pain is "less than." In my mind, that kind of comparison is completely invalid and damaging (to both parties,) and you should avoid any situation that starts to get into that. With a good group, the person leading it should not allow that to happen.

A group, however, is not the only way to grieve. It helps to have a sympathetic ear. We all need support. People who have been through something similar may be able to empathize more, but some people are natural listeners who, regardless of their past losses, can listen to YOUR feelings with acceptance and empathy. You have been supporting your child's mom. That is such an important, kind and loving thing to do. Now You need to be the one you are nurturing.

What an amazing post this is - thanks for taking the time to write it.
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Old 01-29-2019, 11:38 PM
 
Location: colorado springs, CO
4,479 posts, read 2,043,656 times
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It’s just a feeling I have, based on personal experience; that it’s those of us who had to “be the strong one”, are at risk for some long-term issues.

When you have that type of personality, it’s almost a relief at first to swing into action. Falling apart is not an option. I remember feeling so ... fractured.

Eventually the resentment started to seep in. When was it going to be my turn to fall apart? Why was I torturing myself, going through the motions, doing “the right thing”; while he was camped out in an abandoned car behind Robby’s house, getting high & crying at the pink sunsets?

I actually wished I could be getting high behind Robby’s house, crying at pink sunsets. Everyone was SO worried about him; “Is he going to make it? He’s falling apart!” And I would think; “You mean; he GETS to fall apart”.

Before you know it; it’s been years & the grief that you “put on a shelf” is still there. That is a scary feeling. It doesn’t go away. It waits for you & you know it’s inevitable. You are going to nosedive; headed for a crash & burn. Meanwhile, people say things like; “I don’t know how you got through that” (I’m not. I haven’t started yet) or ; “What doesn’t kill you makes you stronger” (who said I want to be stronger. I was strong enough, thanks).

It’s tough because after time goes by, there is no support system for you. Everybody else had moved on & they think you should have by now, too.
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Old 01-30-2019, 12:02 AM
 
Location: San Francisco
869 posts, read 176,385 times
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Quote:
Originally Posted by coschristi View Post

Itís tough because after time goes by, there is no support system for you. Everybody else had moved on & they think you should have by now, too.
Exactly! After almost 2 years (and because she died as a newborn), I already feel some people think I should have moved on by now. But I never grieved, just as what happened to you. My daughterís mom was an emotional wreck - I felt I should be the strong guy - and after all, she is the one that gave birth so it felt that is the way it Ďshould beí. Thanks to some friends, though, I know I need to talk about it more (for myself this time) - and putting it out there is a great start, almost as if a Ďsecretí is finally out in the open.
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Old 01-30-2019, 02:02 AM
 
Location: Eugene, Oregon
8,150 posts, read 2,607,319 times
Reputation: 11566
Quote:
Originally Posted by Va83 View Post
The thing is you donít owe anybody an explanation.

This is true and you have no obligation to explain your tragedy. Your family and friends already know of your loss and you don't need to deal with explaining it to others, unless you really want to. The best of luck to you in going on with your life.
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Old 01-30-2019, 06:07 AM
 
17,309 posts, read 18,780,774 times
Reputation: 25229
Quote:
Originally Posted by CorporateCowboy View Post
Itís been almost two years since the loss of my newborn daughter; and while some time has passed (making it slightly easier), I still find myself coping with anger and pain. Iím a positive thinker - and have always been in the role of helping others with problems - so itís very difficult to feel such a drastic role reversal and need someone else to lean on. I have spent so much time helping my babyís mother get through this (we are not together as a couple anymore) - I feel as though I havenít let my guard down and havenít healed myself (in order to be strong for her). I lost my mother several years ago; and while that was certainly a very difficult time, this is just completely different.
Iím sorry for what youíre going through. I had a friend who lost a baby. I dont think she ever really got over it but she copes with it. I donít know if you ever get over the loss of a child. Itís not like my blender broke. We talked about it when she was going through the process of mourning her loss. Not sure why she picked me but I listened. She just came over one day and started unloading. She described it as this dull ache that never goes away.
I guess one way to look at it is to start the mourning for your loss. Then you can move to the next step and the next step. You donít need to be the strong silent rock. Everyone needs to grieve in order to start healing.

I hope you and your SO get the closure you need. Sometimes it helps to find a group that had similar losses. Or maybe speak to someone like a therapist.
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Old 01-30-2019, 06:32 AM
 
36,092 posts, read 13,844,701 times
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Writing down your thoughts, your feelings, your reactions can help.

In order to be there for your baby's mother, you've tamped down your emotions, but they are still there, swirling around.

Joining a support group and/or talking with a counselor often helps, but so does putting this swirl of emotions down in black and white. Naming emotions can sometimes put them to rest. You still feel them, but it doesn't hurt like it used to.
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