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Old 01-31-2019, 01:09 PM
 
Location: Minnesota
331 posts, read 67,639 times
Reputation: 984

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Quote:
Originally Posted by CorporateCowboy View Post
Yes - but itís difficult to answer when meeting people or in passing - because the next question is how old is she,etc. - and so it makes for a difficult discussion to Ďexplainí. So I end up trying to avoid the question - and in casual situations, I have found myself just saying no (rather than explain my loss to a store clerk, for example, who is just making small talk.)
I'm so sorry for your loss.

My husband lost a daughter at age 3 before we were together but he also has 2 living children that have been in my life since they were little so I consider ALL his kids as our kids even thought I do not for a second pretend to know what it's like to lose a child. My point of that whole explanation is just that when people ask how many kids I/we have the answer truly depends on the asker and the context of the question. If someone is just making small talk then I think it's perfectly acceptable to say no. In my opinion it's not denying her existence so much as it is preserving your peace of mind at the moment. It would also be acceptable to say that you are but you'd just rather not talk about it. Unless they are a complete ass they aren't going to push farther and if they are then they deserve stony silence. Either answer doesn't negate her existance or the fact that you are indeed a father.
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Old 01-31-2019, 01:32 PM
 
Location: Minnesota
331 posts, read 67,639 times
Reputation: 984
Quote:
Originally Posted by CorporateCowboy View Post
No, as I mentioned in previous posts - I am no longer with my babyís mother. Thatís why it makes it difficult to finally open up about it two years later. At the time, I was trying to be strong and support her - but since the relationship has dissolved, Iím not in a place to contact her now and expect emotional support. Iíve recently met someone who has encouraged me to get to this point - to open up and share it. She is great, but she has never experienced it herself - and I know she struggles with what to say. She has suggested counseling or some type of group - even if itís a few times. Iím certainly open to that.
As I said above my husband lost a child before I met him. We have a little cake on her birthday to acknowledge the day and on the day she died I try to let him know in some way that I realize what day it is and it's significance. It's very hard to know what to say. I know my husband appreciates that I try but I also know, even now 20 years later, he finds it more helpful to talk to other parents that have been through loss.
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Old 02-01-2019, 01:59 AM
 
4,175 posts, read 5,416,808 times
Reputation: 4815
C. Cowboy, I hope it has been a little helpful to be on this board, to get all this input from others. I do really believe in supports groups, if they are run well. Sometimes you have to shop. I have been in two really good groups (several years apart.) Early on, I tried another group, but it was really not for me, and I didn't go back. That can happen. I hope you will be persistent in getting the support you need for working through this. Unaddressed grief can be a weight that will drag down your whole life, if you let it. We have to take the time and have the courage to process, to face the grief head-on.
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Old 02-01-2019, 12:05 PM
 
Location: San Francisco
897 posts, read 181,908 times
Reputation: 371
Quote:
Originally Posted by G Grasshopper View Post
C. Cowboy, I hope it has been a little helpful to be on this board, to get all this input from others. I do really believe in supports groups, if they are run well. Sometimes you have to shop. I have been in two really good groups (several years apart.) Early on, I tried another group, but it was really not for me, and I didn't go back. That can happen. I hope you will be persistent in getting the support you need for working through this. Unaddressed grief can be a weight that will drag down your whole life, if you let it. We have to take the time and have the courage to process, to face the grief head-on.
Thanks GG - it actually has been very helpful to put it out there, even more so than I anticipated. I received a lot of thoughtful and very helpful responses - by posts and messages. I really appreciate all of you who replied. Iím a firm believer in communication in all other areas of my life - and yet, I had a hard time putting it into words (and tended to avoid the subject). Once I finally did, the prospect of discussing it more seems a little easier.
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Old 02-01-2019, 03:19 PM
 
8,459 posts, read 18,337,698 times
Reputation: 11151
Quote:
Originally Posted by CorporateCowboy View Post
I am sorry for your loss, too. In my situation, she did give birth - but had multiple complications (which started in her pregnancy). The hardest part is when people I meet ask if Iím a Dad. I never know how to answer that - without a lot of questions or confusion.
So sorry for your loss. Yes, you are a dad!! Donít rob yourself of that title...youíre a dad to a beautiful angel
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Old 02-01-2019, 04:40 PM
 
Location: San Francisco
897 posts, read 181,908 times
Reputation: 371
Quote:
Originally Posted by Kim in FL View Post
So sorry for your loss. Yes, you are a dad!! Donít rob yourself of that title...youíre a dad to a beautiful angel
Beautiful post - thanks Kim!
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Old 02-01-2019, 05:43 PM
 
8,459 posts, read 18,337,698 times
Reputation: 11151
Quote:
Originally Posted by CorporateCowboy View Post
Beautiful post - thanks Kim!
You are more than welcome. Stay strong
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Old 02-02-2019, 01:14 AM
 
Location: San Francisco
897 posts, read 181,908 times
Reputation: 371
Quote:
Originally Posted by Kim in FL View Post
You are more than welcome. Stay strong
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Old 03-03-2019, 09:29 PM
 
Location: Ct Shoreline
369 posts, read 1,792,999 times
Reputation: 287
My infant daughter passed at 24 days old 19 years ago and I STILL don't know how to answer the question "How many children do you have?" I have one daughter who, when asked, says she is the middle child even though her younger sister did not survive long enough for her to even begin to experience that "middle-ness". I think we all deal with this kind of shattering loss in our own way, and what might make sense for me would seem ridiculous to you. Time helps, but frankly, even after 19 years I am still pissed off about it. I've lost both my parents, my sister, my husband...each of these losses has been painful in it's own way, but absolutely none of these has compared to her loss.

I wish I had something wise to say. I don't, and I'm sorry for that. You'll find your way and it'll always feel awkward and out of kilter with your reality. Do whatever makes the most sense to you in a given situation and let others think what they want/will. You don't owe anyone anything.

I'm truly sorry for your loss.
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Old 03-03-2019, 09:50 PM
 
Location: San Francisco
897 posts, read 181,908 times
Reputation: 371
Quote:
Originally Posted by dougnaie View Post
My infant daughter passed at 24 days old 19 years ago and I STILL don't know how to answer the question "How many children do you have?" I have one daughter who, when asked, says she is the middle child even though her younger sister did not survive long enough for her to even begin to experience that "middle-ness". I think we all deal with this kind of shattering loss in our own way, and what might make sense for me would seem ridiculous to you. Time helps, but frankly, even after 19 years I am still pissed off about it. I've lost both my parents, my sister, my husband...each of these losses has been painful in it's own way, but absolutely none of these has compared to her loss.

I wish I had something wise to say. I don't, and I'm sorry for that. You'll find your way and it'll always feel awkward and out of kilter with your reality. Do whatever makes the most sense to you in a given situation and let others think what they want/will. You don't owe anyone anything.

I'm truly sorry for your loss.
Thanks, Dougnaie - your words and thoughts are very much appreciated. I know some time has helped (in a sense) but it has definitely been a different kind of pain (compared to any other loss I have experienced). I don’t have ‘memories’ to hold onto or talk about (I am sorry about your infant daughter too) - so it’s very difficult to verbalize to other people (but I’m getting better at it). And I continue to struggle with the question ‘are you a dad’ or ‘do you have kids’ - unless/until I ever become a dad again, I probably always will. That said, I’ve finally had encouragement to just ‘put it out there’ after keeping it to myself (other than those closest to me) for some time.

Again, I am sorry for your loss, too.
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