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Old 03-06-2019, 09:36 AM
 
Location: Cape Cod
10,950 posts, read 7,741,508 times
Reputation: 19266

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Over the weekend an inlaw passed away rather unexpectedly. He had been sick for years with kidney failure and over that time he didn't follow his diet or listen to doctors or his wife and as a result he had a heart attack. His luck finally ran out.

The thing is I don't know how I should feel about this. I feel badly for his wife and child that he left in a financial mess but he was a jerk and never treated them right. I think the shock of his death is hard for them right now but I think in the long run they are better off without him. Of course I would never say that but it is true.

From what I have heard his brothers and sisters all thought he was a jerk, a loser, a lousy father, husband etc..

His service is coming up this weekend and I will go to support my family member but what can I say to the inlaws when we all know he was not a stand up guy or a good example to his kids.



It is kind of a tradition for me to say a few words at family funerals but luckily I haven't been asked to give a little speech at this one because for the life of me I can't think of anything nice to say about this guy.



I'm sure there will be kind words spoken about him but I think we will all know they are lies and we will let them go.

What would you do?

 
Old 03-06-2019, 09:38 AM
 
Location: Middle of the ocean
29,828 posts, read 18,872,270 times
Reputation: 43064
I would talk about the feelings of loss to his family, untimely death and importance of living your life to the fullest and stuff like that.
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Old 03-06-2019, 09:39 AM
 
Location: S. FL (hell for me-wife loves it)
3,053 posts, read 1,845,016 times
Reputation: 9235
Funerals are my one exception to honesty. They aren't coming back, and nothing you say in the negative tone does any good for the living. Be glad you've not been asked to give any words, just be kind to the widow and children.
 
Old 03-06-2019, 09:42 AM
 
5,527 posts, read 2,473,214 times
Reputation: 6867
I'd pay my respects and give my condolences to his family. What is to be gained by acting like a jerk that you accuse the recently deceased of being? By your own admission they are taking his death hard, so you should consider your words carefully before you speak. Nothing is to be gained by saying anything disparaging or hurtful to the family.
 
Old 03-06-2019, 09:46 AM
 
Location: Nantahala National Forest, NC
23,080 posts, read 4,806,371 times
Reputation: 27422
Quote:
Originally Posted by TerraDown View Post
Funerals are my one exception to honesty. They aren't coming back, and nothing you say in the negative tone does any good for the living. Be glad you've not been asked to give any words, just be kind to the widow and children.

Offer condolences and then follow their lead. If they want to talk about him, let them. If not, you don't need to say anything more than I'm sorry for your loss.

No need to feel guilty...
 
Old 03-06-2019, 10:42 AM
 
Location: Cape Cod
10,950 posts, read 7,741,508 times
Reputation: 19266
Thanks posters. I have been holding my tongue but I think that everyone involved would agree this guy was a jerk. I am sure there will be many kind words offered and tossed about to describe this guy at the funeral but that is what people do. I have already seen it on social media from people that didn't know his true self.

I think the old saying rings true on this occasion that if you don't have anything nice to say then say nothing at all.



In sorting my feelings about the guy just in case I was called on I started with, we all knew him as a brother, husband, father and friend but lets face it we all know he was a Bas***d. It is funny how my thoughts keep coming back to this.



I certainly won't say anything negative about him and if someone does I will agree but not add anything to it.

I will focus my kindness and prayers to his wife and daughter.
 
Old Yesterday, 10:34 PM
 
Location: Mid-Atlantic
23,891 posts, read 22,866,692 times
Reputation: 29249
That's exactly what you should do. Show up, pay your respects, and don't say anything that you'll regret.
 
Old Today, 02:02 AM
 
Location: New Mexico
5,868 posts, read 3,301,087 times
Reputation: 10974
He's no longer a jerk. He was a brother and a husband and a father and those surviving people are feeling a loss. Comfort them. He made mistakes and poor choices. It isn't anyone's place to recount them at his funeral.
 
Old Today, 02:08 AM
 
Location: Teach an Fhir Bholg
12,336 posts, read 13,633,197 times
Reputation: 33528
Quote:
Originally Posted by Gerania View Post
That's exactly what you should do. Show up, pay your respects, and don't say anything that you'll regret.
(apropos what I put in bold above)....or from another point of view, don't say anything that will make the family regret that they ever knew you.
 
Old Today, 06:38 AM
 
Location: Mid-Atlantic
23,891 posts, read 22,866,692 times
Reputation: 29249
Quote:
Originally Posted by kevxu View Post
(apropos what I put in bold above)....or from another point of view, don't say anything that will make the family regret that they ever knew you.
Funerals are like the company Christmas party.
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