Please register to participate in our discussions with 2 million other members - it's free and quick! Some forums can only be seen by registered members. After you create your account, you'll be able to customize options and access all our 15,000 new posts/day with fewer ads.
I take issue with your entire 2nd paragraph. I didn't realize that "tradition of estrangement" equals "you are dead to me." Each estrangement has its own history. Everyone's grief and anger runs different courses - it doesn't always "happen at that time of estrangement." I was "done dirty" by my father for years, but kept the peace because I was told that you should remain loyal to family, so we did. I was "done dirty" by my brother, and could sense something wasn't right, but trusted my family and ignored what my gut was telling me. When we met to discuss the business, I endured over 2 hours of being verbally abused (finger in my face, swearing, yelling) and tried to stand up for ourselves to no avail. The "done dirty" was a work in progress and culminated with that meeting. My friends and family knew what happened, saw my tears and heartbreak and how it affected not only me, but the entire family. Yes, I'm having a pity party right now, but jeez, can't people be decent enough to just text "heard that your Dad died, and wanted to reach out to you. Hope you are ok." Something simple, anything. I guess I just expect too much from people "in
the "real world."
In any event, thank you for responding. :-)
"If you are neutral in situations of injustice, you have chosen the side of the oppressor. If an elephant has its foot on the tail of a mouse and you say that you are neutral, the mouse will not appreciate your neutrality." ~ Desmond Tutu
"We must take sides. Neutrality helps the oppressor, never the victim. Silence encourages the tormentor, never the tormented." ~ Elie Wiesel
I understand your taking issue. Certainly not all estrangements have the aspect I describe. My greater point was to show that other people can view an estrangement in that fashion, and that condolences can be seen as unwelcome.
While it may be difficult for you, by your own post you stated that over two hundred people acted in the same way by not messaging you. Had half of them reacted differently, I would think that my question and comment was in error. However, as you state, "Not 1 person reached out to me." What I sense that you may be doing is either misinterpreting or unwittingly isolating yourself from friends that might reach out if they understood more clearly what you are feeling. I would hate to see you do that.
If you had posted on Facebook about your father passing away, I'm sure you would have gotten condolences as well. Since you didn't post anything, most people would assume either it wasn't something you want to talk about, none of their business, or something along those lines. But you would have to bring it up first, if you wanted responses from people.
Funerals are for the living, not the dead, as they have passed on. My father was not a nice person to his family, yet to everyone else he was charismatic, a great guy, coach, etc., etc. I had already grieved the relationship. My heart breaks because only 2 people reached out to me after he died. Yet my brother who is on FakeBook posted a public message and had over 150 comments. We had a lot of the same friends and acquaintances. My condolences to the loss/lack of relationship with your father.
Sometimes people post on FB because they are seeking attention for themselves
Not as a public notice type of announcement
If the OP was the one who terminated the relationship and the brother stayed then it is easy to understand why there were not condolences made to the OP
She didn’t go on FB and announce her sadness—people didn’t know if she DID feel sad—
Long story, but will not go into details at this time. Quick: my father and brother betrayed my husband and me over the “family” business. Brother wanted it all, big blow up, we walked away from business and my dad and brother. We could have sued, but didn’t. We have been estranged since then - over 10 years. My father recently passed away and we were notified by his attorney a few days later. My brother posted a public Facebook post about my dad dying. He had over 200 messages giving condolences - some friends/acquaintances who we had in common too. Not 1 person reached out to me, so I deleted my FB a couple days later. Even though my dad and I were estranged, nobody even texted or emailed me. So sad. So mad. So disappointed.
For anyone to really know how to give you advice, more details are needed. You saw your brothers FB post, were you FB friends or was it a public post you caught wind of? Did you speak to your father in those 10 years?
I have not seen my mother since a year after my father passed in 2006. Last I saw her she was going to sell us my fathers new house 7 blocks from me (it wasn't even a year old; we decorated it, made gardens) but turned around and sold it to someone else behind my back, refusing to accept a counter offer from us. I went there crying. She still refused. I was very close to my dad, was his care giver. My mother didn't do anything for him, they lived separate lives in the same house.
She and my older sister put me thru pure hell. Had an attorney send me letters for 2 years to step down as executor. I eventually had to get an attorney to defend myself; cost me major money, in the end they wouldn't talk so I had to walk away.
I still don't know why my mother isn't speaking to me except the younger one telling her lies. My mother and I were actually getting along great during the house build.
My mother is in her 80's, she's not expected to live too far into her 80's because none of her family does. If she passed I don't expect anyone to offer me condolences. Why would they? We don't speak.
When my dad passed the youngest hadn't spoken to him in 10 years, had written him a nasty 3 page typed letter. She's the one crying the loudest like she was as close to him as I was..
Long story, but will not go into details at this time. Quick: my father and brother betrayed my husband and me over the “family” business. Brother wanted it all, big blow up, we walked away from business and my dad and brother. We could have sued, but didn’t. We have been estranged since then - over 10 years. My father recently passed away and we were notified by his attorney a few days later. My brother posted a public Facebook post about my dad dying. He had over 200 messages giving condolences - some friends/acquaintances who we had in common too. Not 1 person reached out to me, so I deleted my FB a couple days later. Even though my dad and I were estranged, nobody even texted or emailed me. So sad. So mad. So disappointed.
You disowned your father with good reason 10 years ago. If it was me I and wanted condolences from people I would have left something on my brothers facebook page when I heard of my fathers death. I am sure if you did you would have received lots of replies. Did you make any sort of statement on your facebook page?
You made the decision to close the door 10 years ago regarding him. If you want that door to open a bit after his death you need to make that step not others. If I was one of those other people I would have no idea how to gauge your feelings about your fathers death. Perhaps you are happy he is gone, or sad or indifferent. How would they know?
And I do not understand why you would delete your facebook account over this. Facebook is just a means of communication. Did anyone call you, text you or email you about your fathers death? If not to be consistent you need to disconnect your phone and delete your email account.
Last edited by Oklazona Bound; 04-19-2019 at 09:12 AM..
Status:
"I don't understand. But I don't care, so it works out."
(set 1 day ago)
35,580 posts, read 17,927,273 times
Reputation: 50617
It doesn't seem your complaint is as written in the title of this thread.
200 condolences to your brother, (and I would guess a great deal of them said prayers for your family), is quite an outpouring of condolences by friends who at least took 3 minutes read through his post and post their thoughts.
It IS difficult to know what to do in a case where half the family is estranged, and it would be awkward to seek you out and post on YOUR facebook. I might understand a card or a text, but to put that on your public facebook seems like it's presumptuous.
But it appears that's exactly what you wanted to happen - thus, you've deleted your facebook page.
I suspect this is a lot more about unresolved deep feelings about your family, and not all that much about acquaintances reaction and facebook.
With my very closest friends, I would certainly call and talk about their loss, and maybe send an additional card. But an acquaintance who knows your family situation might not be as moved to act. That just seems like fluffing up an already difficult and painful situation that you might not want to be reminded of.
(Edited to add: Yes. Basically what Oklazona said).
Long story, but will not go into details at this time. Quick: my father and brother betrayed my husband and me over the “family” business. Brother wanted it all, big blow up, we walked away from business and my dad and brother. We could have sued, but didn’t. We have been estranged since then - over 10 years. My father recently passed away and we were notified by his attorney a few days later. My brother posted a public Facebook post about my dad dying. He had over 200 messages giving condolences - some friends/acquaintances who we had in common too. Not 1 person reached out to me, so I deleted my FB a couple days later. Even though my dad and I were estranged, nobody even texted or emailed me. So sad. So mad. So disappointed.
My mom abandoned her family as well, or more likely was chased/shunned out of it. Over time, as I grew into my adult years I learned that my mother was the problem rather than everyone else like her stories would suggest.
In a way this hurt my brother and I the most because we grew up in our adolescence not ever knowing several aunts and uncles and their spouses or the dozens of my cousins that they've had. We were perhaps 9 and 6 the last we ever saw anyone from that side of the family, just old enough to get a taste of having that family and remembering some of them, but not old enough to be able to contact or reach out to them.
My older step brother made the same choice in walking away, and despite reaching out to him no one has been able to contact him for over 10 years. I can't say that I blame him for his decision to just walk away from the tribe, perhaps it was the right one (for him). I remember one day trying to call him to tell him that I was getting married and....*poof*....gone. I called and e-mailed frequently and even sent a letter to the last address I had for him, but over time I could only reach out ever less frequently until I just gave up trying. But how is he faring these days? Does he have a wife and do I have little nephews and nieces somewhere that I don't know about? Perhaps, but perhaps I don't need to know either way and he just wants his privacy.
No doubt that it feels bad for no one having contacted you. Perhaps it's a sign. In a way your brother and/or other family members did reach out to you, they just did it through an attorney, and perhaps there was a reason for it. But who am I to speculate?
I will say this. I think the OP is not exactly looking for condolences for their father passing away. It is something else.
So a business arraignment goes sour 10 years ago because of actions by their father and brother. Although they decided to cut those two out of their lives it is not their fault it got to that point its the fault of the brother and father. And perhaps at that time people surrounding them took sides and perhaps most sided with the brother and father and not them, which added salt to the wound. And the fact that lots of people surrounding them must have been aware of their fathers passing before they got contacted from the attorney but not one person contacted the OP. Moderator cut: Wandering into direct speculation. See forum sticky for post guidance.
This was how I read it.
OP, I am sorry that your father & brother betrayed you over business. Now it must feel like your brother gets all the family friends, also. It truly sucks.
Sit down & write a long letter to your father & brother. Take time to outline your feelings.
Then put it in the barbeque, pour lighter fluid over it, & torch it off!
I hope you hurt less tomorrow & less each following day.
Please remember the primary purpose of the forum is to provide a safe place for those in grief to come. We can reflect on the various experiences and have empathy, and we can try to help people avoid holes and pitfalls, and we can share our own experiences, but it is best to avoid drifting into speculation, which then can become a basis for unfounded judgment by others.
The OP has been shown some alternative reasons why events transpired as was described. Hopefully that will be helpful.
The various stories of other estrangements are both sad and informative. They bring up a larger problem of the awkwardness that occurs when someone who played a major life role and has been estranged/divorced/excommunicated dies. When the poster adds what worked and didn't work in their situation it gives us all insight and better understanding.
Please register to post and access all features of our very popular forum. It is free and quick. Over $68,000 in prizes has already been given out to active posters on our forum. Additional giveaways are planned.
Detailed information about all U.S. cities, counties, and zip codes on our site: City-data.com.
Please register to participate in our discussions with 2 million other members - it's free and quick! Some forums can only be seen by registered members. After you create your account, you'll be able to customize options and access all our 15,000 new posts/day with fewer ads.
