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Old Yesterday, 02:16 AM
 
Location: In my head
294 posts, read 301,201 times
Reputation: 608

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Long story, but will not go into details at this time. Quick: my father and brother betrayed my husband and me over the “family” business. Brother wanted it all, big blow up, we walked away from business and my dad and brother. We could have sued, but didn’t. We have been estranged since then - over 10 years. My father recently passed away and we were notified by his attorney a few days later. My brother posted a public Facebook post about my dad dying. He had over 200 messages giving condolences - some friends/acquaintances who we had in common too. Not 1 person reached out to me, so I deleted my FB a couple days later. Even though my dad and I were estranged, nobody even texted or emailed me. So sad. So mad. So disappointed.
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Old Yesterday, 03:37 AM
 
5,724 posts, read 2,620,876 times
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Then may I extend the condolence.

I can imagine that it was a bit of a silent slap in the face that as a family kin your sorrow was not acknowledged. Yet was there sorrow to be had? I am not meaning this in an unkind way. ....

My Bio Dad, who passed. I went to his funeral. Not a soul gave thought to my being...and rightly so. It was his day...not mine ....as in death & Life it was always about my BIO DAD ...So what made his funeral any different....
I wept not for him....but for the man and father he never could live up to be. He was a disappointment. and For that I wept.
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Old Yesterday, 06:23 AM
 
1,395 posts, read 452,203 times
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They may not have known what to say. It's hard enough to know what to say to people who have lost loved ones (which is why so many, with good intentions, say the wrong thing) but even harder when the relationship with the deceased was hostile or estranged.

I know a little of what you're feeling; my Ex died when DS was 22. We'd been estranged from him for years to protect our own sanity. It was still a loss and when I talk about him to my granddaughters I focus on his good points and the good stories. But, as Nov3 said, you mourn for what could have been.

Try not to be too hard on people. I hope you're able to move forward.
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Old Yesterday, 06:35 AM
 
2,997 posts, read 1,557,085 times
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Quote:
Originally Posted by Sunaimer View Post
Long story, but will not go into details at this time. Quick: my father and brother betrayed my husband and me over the “family” business. Brother wanted it all, big blow up, we walked away from business and my dad and brother. We could have sued, but didn’t. We have been estranged since then - over 10 years. My father recently passed away and we were notified by his attorney a few days later. My brother posted a public Facebook post about my dad dying. He had over 200 messages giving condolences - some friends/acquaintances who we had in common too. Not 1 person reached out to me, so I deleted my FB a couple days later. Even though my dad and I were estranged, nobody even texted or emailed me. So sad. So mad. So disappointed.

It's an awkward situation (and I know personally about this due to estrangement in my family and the passing of a parent and the awkwardness this creates upon death) so I say cut people some slack. What other people say or don't say has no bearing on you or how you grieve your parent.
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Old Yesterday, 07:24 AM
 
Location: Somewhere in northern Alabama
17,494 posts, read 53,220,983 times
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Quote:
Originally Posted by Sunaimer View Post
Long story, but will not go into details at this time. Quick: my father and brother betrayed my husband and me over the “family” business. Brother wanted it all, big blow up, we walked away from business and my dad and brother. We could have sued, but didn’t. We have been estranged since then - over 10 years. My father recently passed away and we were notified by his attorney a few days later. My brother posted a public Facebook post about my dad dying. He had over 200 messages giving condolences - some friends/acquaintances who we had in common too. Not 1 person reached out to me, so I deleted my FB a couple days later. Even though my dad and I were estranged, nobody even texted or emailed me. So sad. So mad. So disappointed.
I would not have reached out to you in such a case. Had you mentioned on a social media page that although you were estranged from your dad you still were having feelings of grief, I then would have considered doing so.

The tradition of estrangements is summed up in the phrase "You are dead to me." The grief occurs at that point, along with the anger. Is it possible that your anger towards the people who did not reach out is colored by the resentment that you were "done dirty" by the two, and people are treating them as humans worthy of compassion?

I am sorry that you were betrayed. That type of behavior is particularly unsettling, and when it occurs within a family can rock the foundations of trust needed for a family to function as a unit.

I am of the opinion that you are being unusually harsh on friends that have been avoiding digging up your old wounds to spare you that hurt. In the real world, people often have to keep relations with two people who hate each other's guts. It isn't easy.
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Old Yesterday, 01:31 PM
 
Location: In my head
294 posts, read 301,201 times
Reputation: 608
Quote:
Originally Posted by Nov3 View Post
Then may I extend the condolence.

I can imagine that it was a bit of a silent slap in the face that as a family kin your sorrow was not acknowledged. Yet was there sorrow to be had? I am not meaning this in an unkind way. ....

My Bio Dad, who passed. I went to his funeral. Not a soul gave thought to my being...and rightly so. It was his day...not mine ....as in death & Life it was always about my BIO DAD ...So what made his funeral any different....
I wept not for him....but for the man and father he never could live up to be. He was a disappointment. and For that I wept.
Funerals are for the living, not the dead, as they have passed on. My father was not a nice person to his family, yet to everyone else he was charismatic, a great guy, coach, etc., etc. I had already grieved the relationship. My heart breaks because only 2 people reached out to me after he died. Yet my brother who is on FakeBook posted a public message and had over 150 comments. We had a lot of the same friends and acquaintances. My condolences to the loss/lack of relationship with your father.
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Old Yesterday, 01:41 PM
 
Location: In my head
294 posts, read 301,201 times
Reputation: 608
Quote:
Originally Posted by wasel View Post
It's an awkward situation (and I know personally about this due to estrangement in my family and the passing of a parent and the awkwardness this creates upon death) so I say cut people some slack. What other people say or don't say has no bearing on you or how you grieve your parent.
I appreciate and understand your comments. Yet, to me, it does show the lack of character and/or lack empathy of my so-called friends and mutual acquaintances.
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Old Yesterday, 02:10 PM
 
Location: Wisconsin
16,746 posts, read 16,889,410 times
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I am sorry that more people did not acknowledge your father's death. I wonder if people thought by posted their condolences on your brother's FB they were offering condolences to the whole family?

For example, my aunts and uncles had between four and twelve children each. My siblings and I often just sent one card "to the family" not individual cards/phone calls/letters to all of our cousins when their parent died.
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Old Yesterday, 02:22 PM
 
Location: In my head
294 posts, read 301,201 times
Reputation: 608
Quote:
Originally Posted by harry chickpea View Post
I would not have reached out to you in such a case. Had you mentioned on a social media page that although you were estranged from your dad you still were having feelings of grief, I then would have considered doing so.

The tradition of estrangements is summed up in the phrase "You are dead to me." The grief occurs at that point, along with the anger. Is it possible that your anger towards the people who did not reach out is colored by the resentment that you were "done dirty" by the two, and people are treating them as humans worthy of compassion?

I am sorry that you were betrayed. That type of behavior is particularly unsettling, and when it occurs within a family can rock the foundations of trust needed for a family to function as a unit.

I am of the opinion that you are being unusually harsh on friends that have been avoiding digging up your old wounds to spare you that hurt. In the real world, people often have to keep relations with two people who hate each other's guts. It isn't easy.
I take issue with your entire 2nd paragraph. I didn't realize that "tradition of estrangement" equals "you are dead to me." Each estrangement has its own history. Everyone's grief and anger runs different courses - it doesn't always "happen at that time of estrangement." I was "done dirty" by my father for years, but kept the peace because I was told that you should remain loyal to family, so we did. I was "done dirty" by my brother, and could sense something wasn't right, but trusted my family and ignored what my gut was telling me. When we met to discuss the business, I endured over 2 hours of being verbally abused (finger in my face, swearing, yelling) and tried to stand up for ourselves to no avail. The "done dirty" was a work in progress and culminated with that meeting. My friends and family knew what happened, saw my tears and heartbreak and how it affected not only me, but the entire family. Yes, I'm having a pity party right now, but jeez, can't people be decent enough to just text "heard that your Dad died, and wanted to reach out to you. Hope you are ok." Something simple, anything. I guess I just expect too much from people "in
the "real world."

In any event, thank you for responding. :-)

"If you are neutral in situations of injustice, you have chosen the side of the oppressor. If an elephant has its foot on the tail of a mouse and you say that you are neutral, the mouse will not appreciate your neutrality." ~ Desmond Tutu

"We must take sides. Neutrality helps the oppressor, never the victim. Silence encourages the tormentor, never the tormented." ~ Elie Wiesel
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Old Yesterday, 02:25 PM
 
Location: In my head
294 posts, read 301,201 times
Reputation: 608
Quote:
Originally Posted by germaine2626 View Post
I am sorry that more people did not acknowledge your father's death. I wonder if people thought by posted their condolences on your brother's FB they were offering condolences to the whole family?

For example, my aunts and uncles had between four and twelve children each. My siblings and I often just sent one card "to the family" not individual cards/phone calls/letters to all of our cousins when their parent died.
I suppose that is possible, but at the time I had a Facebook too, and they could have messaged me. I guess I am just having a pity party right now and expect too much from people. I'll get over it. Thank you for responding.
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