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I recently had a relative pass from complications of alcoholism. He was young (50s). I never liked him. What's more I blame him for his wife's passing 6 months prior, also due to alcohol. She was 53 and no one knew she had a problem or even drank at all. I was close to her. I found her husband sexist and boorish (he hit on me at her funeral as one of many examples of this behavior. ) He had a well publicized drinking problem and I think he really encouraged his wife to do the same.
They left high school age kids, one just starting college. I mourn for their mom and the loss they suffered. But I don't feel anything about their fathers passing. I think this is all a tragedy of his making. He claims he had no idea that his wife was drinking despite the fact that she was hospitalized and told she needed a liver transplant a few months before her death. Despite the fact that when she finally passed away she had to drive herself to the ER because he was drunk. I just feel angry that he was so selfish.
Does anyone else have this type of experience? I'm not sure how to respond to wishes for condolences. I don't know what to say around the kids left behind.
That said, you don't have to like the deceased. You can accept condolences with a simple thank you, and you can express to their children that you recognize how difficult it must be to lose 2 parents, especially so close together. You can also offer them support in things they might need such as filling out college applications, finding therapists, moving to their new home, etc., if you are so inclined.
That said, you don't have to like the deceased. You can accept condolences with a simple thank you, and you can express to their children that you recognize how difficult it must be to lose 2 parents, especially so close together. You can also offer them support in things they might need such as filling out college applications, finding therapists, moving to their new home, etc., if you are so inclined.
I understand the disease model for alcoholism. But come on now. If you have kids to support and you claim to care about that you don't go on a 6 month bender with the loss of a spouse. You check yourself into treatment.
I'm obviously angry at the way all of this has turned out. And I don't know exactly how to keep that at an appropriate level for the sake of the kids.
I recently had a relative pass from complications of alcoholism. He was young (50s). I never liked him. What's more I blame him for his wife's passing 6 months prior, also due to alcohol. She was 53 and no one knew she had a problem or even drank at all. I was close to her. I found her husband sexist and boorish (he hit on me at her funeral as one of many examples of this behavior. ) He had a well publicized drinking problem and I think he really encouraged his wife to do the same.
They left high school age kids, one just starting college. I mourn for their mom and the loss they suffered. But I don't feel anything about their fathers passing. I think this is all a tragedy of his making. He claims he had no idea that his wife was drinking despite the fact that she was hospitalized and told she needed a liver transplant a few months before her death. Despite the fact that when she finally passed away she had to drive herself to the ER because he was drunk. I just feel angry that he was so selfish.
Does anyone else have this type of experience? I'm not sure how to respond to wishes for condolences. I don't know what to say around the kids left behind.
You have anger towards your relative. May I ask what purpose that anger now serves? If you feel a need to hold that anger now that he is dead, I'm puzzled how it is a service to you. Will you be needing to help bring up the kids now, and the anger is frustration over your unwarranted added responsibility? Is the anger a holdover from past events?
I think I understand the anger you have over his selfishness, but since he obviously cannot now change or correct what happened, your anger no longer has a target that it can affect or force into change, and thus is now free floating and could impact you negatively if allowed to continue too long. Is it possible to begin to substitute a sadness for what happened rather than ongoing active anger, or is it too soon?
The kids are going to have to deal with the aftermath whether you are angry or not. You don't need to be angry for the kids, and exposing them to it is unlikely to be helpful. There is frustration in watching a slow-motion train wreck, but sometimes we are powerless to do anything but watch.
Perhaps you can focus more on the challenges the kids will be having and use that energy to try to help them. They will have a tough row to hoe in life.
Condolences and such: Perhaps "I'm sorry things turned out the way they did."? "He no longer has to deal with his inner demons."? Kids can be very aware of how adults feel, so your antipathy will be apparent if you decide to hold it.
I understand the disease model for alcoholism. But come on now. If you have kids to support and you claim to care about that you don't go on a 6 month bender with the loss of a spouse. You check yourself into treatment.
I'm obviously angry at the way all of this has turned out. And I don't know exactly how to keep that at an appropriate level for the sake of the kids.
You don't necessarily need to discuss with the kids....just be supportive as if they were friends who'd lost someone
and leave YOUR feelings out of it.
You have anger towards your relative. May I ask what purpose that anger now serves? If you feel a need to hold that anger now that he is dead, I'm puzzled how it is a service to you. Will you be needing to help bring up the kids now, and the anger is frustration over your unwarranted added responsibility? Is the anger a holdover from past events?
I think I understand the anger you have over his selfishness, but since he obviously cannot now change or correct what happened, your anger no longer has a target that it can affect or force into change, and thus is now free floating and could impact you negatively if allowed to continue too long. Is it possible to begin to substitute a sadness for what happened rather than ongoing active anger, or is it too soon?
The kids are going to have to deal with the aftermath whether you are angry or not. You don't need to be angry for the kids, and exposing them to it is unlikely to be helpful. There is frustration in watching a slow-motion train wreck, but sometimes we are powerless to do anything but watch.
Perhaps you can focus more on the challenges the kids will be having and use that energy to try to help them. They will have a tough row to hoe in life.
Condolences and such: Perhaps "I'm sorry things turned out the way they did."? "He no longer has to deal with his inner demons."? Kids can be very aware of how adults feel, so your antipathy will be apparent if you decide to hold it.
I don't know that it serves any purpose other than being a natural emotional response. This just happened a few weeks ago and it's fresh. I'm sure that over time this anger will fade. But I am angry at the entire situation. It was preventable. If his wife died and he cleaned up and supported his family that would have been a high price for all to pay but at least something positive could have come from the loss. Instead there's loss piled upon loss by someone who conducted themselves as an adult child throughout the entire time I was acquainted with him. And now the kids are orphaned. It just boggles my mind.
I'm still mourning his wife. I miss her. I can't wrap my head around how she is gone. And now this. It's senseless. All if it. Her condition was kept a secret. She couldn't come to my child's first birthday because she was hospitalized. No one knew what was going on. Her husband kept it all quiet. We never had the chance to reach out to try and help, to encourage her to get treatment.
I don't want to be bitter and malign someone's dad who just passed. But my honest reaction is one of helplessness and anger. I don't know that I feel sad that this person is gone from the world. But I do feel sad for the kids left behind. I don't mind any extra responsibility that might bring for me personally. But I want to be able to execute any help I might offer without letting my feelings get in the way.
Emotions are designed to protect us, to warn us, to tell us that something feels wrong or right. They bypass large sections of the brain and use strong chemicals like adrenaline to make their presence known. Emotions can be our first defenders in crisis situations. Almost always they are trying to tell us something or save us from future dangers or give us a boost up, even in the perverse nature of situational depression. Once we fully grasp what the emotion is trying to say, acknowledge it formally, and start work to resolve that issue, it may often recede to get out of the way.
"We never had the chance to reach out to try and help, to encourage her to get treatment." Is this the core of what your anger targets? There was a deception there, or perhaps a self-denial that anything was seriously wrong, healthwise. It seems that you were blindsided, and that a connection you thought you had was somehow not there. Some people who know they are dying mask it, to avoid the attention that exposing it might garner. I had a friend recently die suddenly. I later figured out that he had some sort of intestinal cancer going on for months. He just didn't want ANYONE to know.
You are speculating that the deaths may have been preventable. Perhaps, perhaps not. Patterns and systems have a way of re-asserting. Change can be near impossible for people, and addictions lay people from all walks of life low.
I'm not trying to get you from stopping your anger as much as hoping that you will try to understand it, so that it can recede in its own way and time. For it to be able to do that you may need to feel it fully and ask it and yourself for understanding. That can be tough work.
I've had relatives die similarly, as a result of their addictions. I also wasn't particularly close to them. The best way to accept someone's condolences is to just say "thank you" and move on.
As far as his wife dying, I think you might have some unresolved emotions there, and that you might be unfairly putting the blame on him. How do you know he encouraged his wife? How do you know the causes behind his excessive drinking? Ultimately she chose to drink, and we are all responsible for our own actions.
It's still incredibly sad when someone dies due to their own lifestyle or actions.
I don't know that it serves any purpose other than being a natural emotional response. This just happened a few weeks ago and it's fresh. I'm sure that over time this anger will fade. But I am angry at the entire situation. It was preventable. If his wife died and he cleaned up and supported his family that would have been a high price for all to pay but at least something positive could have come from the loss. Instead there's loss piled upon loss by someone who conducted themselves as an adult child throughout the entire time I was acquainted with him. And now the kids are orphaned. It just boggles my mind.
I'm still mourning his wife. I miss her. I can't wrap my head around how she is gone. And now this. It's senseless. All if it. Her condition was kept a secret. She couldn't come to my child's first birthday because she was hospitalized. No one knew what was going on. Her husband kept it all quiet. We never had the chance to reach out to try and help, to encourage her to get treatment.
I don't want to be bitter and malign someone's dad who just passed. But my honest reaction is one of helplessness and anger. I don't know that I feel sad that this person is gone from the world. But I do feel sad for the kids left behind. I don't mind any extra responsibility that might bring for me personally. But I want to be able to execute any help I might offer without letting my feelings get in the way.
Go for it! Scream and punch pillows. Say nasty things about him. We both know that you're not going to do that in front of the kids.
Once you get it out of your system, help the kids move on. They will need a shoulder, a friend, and advise.
Write an angry letter to him, even though he is dead. Just say the angry and damning things you think. Don't hold back. Then destroy the letter.
His kids do not want to hear about any of this now. And I sense you know that. If someone offers you condolences, say some words of appreciation for their kind thoughts, and leave it at that. It is no one else's business about this man's failings.
You mention that you feel sad for the sake of the kids in your post. That very thing is what you express to them, and about them when the subject comes up. One of the kindest things you can do is to be available to them, in a non judgemental way. If you express judgement of the parent, the kids have to use up precious emotional energy to defend their parent, or to further grieve. Be supportive. Be kind. The kids need kindness more than anything now.
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