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Old 04-21-2019, 04:22 AM
 
Location: Planet Woof
3,135 posts, read 3,484,862 times
Reputation: 9846

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And why? Within 3 weeks of the one year anniversary of her passing, the grief counselor that I saw through hospice for all this time, dropped me as a client. Or rather her supervisor did. Now I have no support left to help me deal with the really hard stuff that we were dealing with in sessions.

I am a therapist myself and I know about "transference" in a therapeutic relationship, and yes, I developed romantic feelings for my therapist. A "crush", affection, whatever . I made the mistake of revealing that because I felt it was getting in the way of my work in therapy.

This was what I knew to do as a professional myself and has experienced similar with my own clients over the years. But she freaked out and told me she did not believe that she could work with me hence forth but wanted to run it by her supervisor.

The next day the supervisor called me and told me that my therapist felt "violated" and so we could not go forward. She did not offer me another therapist but said they could refer me out. I said i could find my own so no thanks.

I had previously literally begged my therapist not to drop me at this very painfully vulnerable point and she seemed to be willing to work through the issues of transference with me.

They were tied in to my previously loveless marriage and my long term caregiving issues with my spouse before she died in hospice (we were a gay couple for 30 years). So there were complicated layers to my grief. There was never any indication whatsoever of homophobia in my therapist. In fact I felt she might be gay herself though she never self revealed and I wouldn't ask.

I am just devastated over all this in the last week. She was my rock in my bereavement and yes I grew to love her for the person she was for me. But that happens in therapy sometimes.

Now I have this new loss on top of my spouse loss and I am just so so angry with myself for even opening my mouth and speaking out loud my affections. I don't think they handled my situation properly by banning me from the counseling center like I am some deviant or a threat, a "violator".

I am wallowing in pain and self anger right now. Just needed to vent and maybe get some feedback. Am shocked that it happened as i would never treat a grieving client like this. It is unethical. The least they could have done was offer me another therapist.

 
Old 04-21-2019, 08:14 PM
 
468 posts, read 518,049 times
Reputation: 485
I just stumbled upon your post, and I don't really have any words of wisdom or encouragement, but I just wanted you to know that I saw your post, and I am sorry that you are in pain.
 
Old 04-21-2019, 09:07 PM
 
1,612 posts, read 735,116 times
Reputation: 8804
I also see you and acknowledge you. It does sound as if they could have handled the situation better. You know that life is often one step forward, two steps back. You can – and will – go forward again.

Please hold on.
 
Old 04-21-2019, 09:34 PM
 
5,272 posts, read 2,278,376 times
Reputation: 14672
I see you too.

I am sorry you're in so much pain.

They did offer to refer you to other help, no?

And no need to be angry with yourself! Why would you blame yourself? You told her the truth.
 
Old 04-22-2019, 06:58 AM
 
Location: NJ
10,596 posts, read 21,256,134 times
Reputation: 8629
Quote:
Originally Posted by HappyDogToday View Post
And why? Within 3 weeks of the one year anniversary of her passing, the grief counselor that I saw through hospice for all this time, dropped me as a client. Or rather her supervisor did. Now I have no support left to help me deal with the really hard stuff that we were dealing with in sessions.

I am a therapist myself and I know about "transference" in a therapeutic relationship, and yes, I developed romantic feelings for my therapist. A "crush", affection, whatever . I made the mistake of revealing that because I felt it was getting in the way of my work in therapy.

This was what I knew to do as a professional myself and has experienced similar with my own clients over the years. But she freaked out and told me she did not believe that she could work with me hence forth but wanted to run it by her supervisor.

The next day the supervisor called me and told me that my therapist felt "violated" and so we could not go forward. She did not offer me another therapist but said they could refer me out. I said i could find my own so no thanks.

I had previously literally begged my therapist not to drop me at this very painfully vulnerable point and she seemed to be willing to work through the issues of transference with me.

They were tied in to my previously loveless marriage and my long term caregiving issues with my spouse before she died in hospice (we were a gay couple for 30 years). So there were complicated layers to my grief. There was never any indication whatsoever of homophobia in my therapist. In fact I felt she might be gay herself though she never self revealed and I wouldn't ask.

I am just devastated over all this in the last week. She was my rock in my bereavement and yes I grew to love her for the person she was for me. But that happens in therapy sometimes.

Now I have this new loss on top of my spouse loss and I am just so so angry with myself for even opening my mouth and speaking out loud my affections. I don't think they handled my situation properly by banning me from the counseling center like I am some deviant or a threat, a "violator".

I am wallowing in pain and self anger right now. Just needed to vent and maybe get some feedback. Am shocked that it happened as i would never treat a grieving client like this. It is unethical. The least they could have done was offer me another therapist.

I'm so sorry for your loss. The one year is very hard after a year of firsts without the person you lost. You obviously need to find another therapist because you're not ready to not be in therapy.

Quote:
Originally Posted by HappyDogToday View Post
I am the closest I have been to ending it since my SO died last year.
What do you mean by this? Are you suicidal? As a therapist yourself, what would you tell your client to do in this situation? I know you have a deep loss and a lot of unresolved feelings. Trust me, I know about those as I still struggle with my dads decision 13 years later. His decision ruined my life but some how I've managed to go on. You will too.

Big hugs
 
Old 04-22-2019, 09:27 AM
 
Location: Somewhere in northern Alabama
17,743 posts, read 53,869,694 times
Reputation: 30010
They did offer to refer you.

You and I both know the dangers of transference and how it, even in minimal amounts, is a type of avoidance of working on the tasks of therapy. Transference can be a crutch, and a "using" of the therapist by not respecting the professional boundaries. That is not kind to the therapist or yourself. IMO, your therapist and the center did the ethical thing and helped you avoid what at best was a difficult mixing of modalities, and possibly the loss of liscensure of your therapist.

If you are in lengthy therapy, you are likely doing deep work. I applaud you for sticking with that. I hope that you are able to find a new therapist that fits and will be less of a transference object.

Last edited by harry chickpea; 04-22-2019 at 10:23 AM..
 
Old 04-22-2019, 09:30 AM
 
Location: Nantahala National Forest, NC
26,811 posts, read 5,726,538 times
Reputation: 30021
Quote:
Originally Posted by HappyDogToday View Post
And why? Within 3 weeks of the one year anniversary of her passing, the grief counselor that I saw through hospice for all this time, dropped me as a client. Or rather her supervisor did. Now I have no support left to help me deal with the really hard stuff that we were dealing with in sessions.

I am a therapist myself and I know about "transference" in a therapeutic relationship, and yes, I developed romantic feelings for my therapist. A "crush", affection, whatever . I made the mistake of revealing that because I felt it was getting in the way of my work in therapy.

This was what I knew to do as a professional myself and has experienced similar with my own clients over the years. But she freaked out and told me she did not believe that she could work with me hence forth but wanted to run it by her supervisor.

The next day the supervisor called me and told me that my therapist felt "violated" and so we could not go forward. She did not offer me another therapist but said they could refer me out. I said i could find my own so no thanks.

I had previously literally begged my therapist not to drop me at this very painfully vulnerable point and she seemed to be willing to work through the issues of transference with me.

They were tied in to my previously loveless marriage and my long term caregiving issues with my spouse before she died in hospice (we were a gay couple for 30 years). So there were complicated layers to my grief. There was never any indication whatsoever of homophobia in my therapist. In fact I felt she might be gay herself though she never self revealed and I wouldn't ask.

I am just devastated over all this in the last week. She was my rock in my bereavement and yes I grew to love her for the person she was for me. But that happens in therapy sometimes.

Now I have this new loss on top of my spouse loss and I am just so so angry with myself for even opening my mouth and speaking out loud my affections. I don't think they handled my situation properly by banning me from the counseling center like I am some deviant or a threat, a "violator".

I am wallowing in pain and self anger right now. Just needed to vent and maybe get some feedback. Am shocked that it happened as i would never treat a grieving client like this. It is unethical. The least they could have done was offer me another therapist.

I'd have stopped the relationship too had I been your therapist....you never know when someone might stalk you as a woman...

There are grief support groups around...if you can't find one start one.

Sorry for your pain...
 
Old 04-22-2019, 10:39 AM
 
Location: Fort Lauderdale, Florida
9,067 posts, read 8,215,349 times
Reputation: 19646
Find a new therapist ASAP.

If you aren't comfortable, keep looking.

Also, find a group.

I'm sorry you are going through this.
 
Old 04-22-2019, 12:14 PM
 
Location: Somewhere
1,376 posts, read 1,852,483 times
Reputation: 2659
Please don't take this as they think you are some sort of deviant etc. They did this for both YOU and the therapist.

Please find another therapist soon and if you are really thinking of ending your life PLEASE reach out to the National Suicide Prevention Lifeline ASAP 1-800-273-8255. They want to help!!
 
Old 04-22-2019, 05:40 PM
 
11,210 posts, read 8,347,320 times
Reputation: 20254
Finish the race. God's not through with you yet. Do great things in honor/memory of your beloved SO.
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