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I can relate to grieving of relationships when the other has chosen to close that chapter.
When it comes to the loved one who is in medical crisis- altzheimers, Paralysis, Brain injury. I tend to not be so dismissive and head down that path that they are already gone. Absolutely I reflect on the person they "were", then I get snapped back to what is in front of me. That person who still needs cleansed, or spoken some kind words, or just a hand to hold when the world has written them off.
I recall a patient we had- 20 years in a vegetative state. The State had covered her medical because she was attacked leaving the work place and left for dead. She became an adult ward of the state. Anyways, despite the Outward appearance ....There wasn't a day that went by, that My Mom, who was her nurse, didn't go in and share a story or a current event. That patience would make signals - a thumb movement or a cough thru her trach. And boy did she love listening to Boy George tunes. Her machines would indicate higher brain activity or a soothing of her respirations which she sometimes struggled with given the machine could only do so much.
I had a favorite Lady- Inez who was in her third stage of Alzheimers.....( final stage being catatonic). ANyways Inez was seriously downright happy 99% of the time. She spent her days wondering the corridors and talking to residents . She had this innate ability to comfort others.... she sensed things. Anyways Her husband was a patient there and he often chastised her , telling her "You are a disgrace! " . It mortified the staff. He was an physics Engineer. As fate would have it, She every day still stopped into his room. Despite his wicked tongue. A few days before he passed, she sat outside his room. Or went in to just touch him.... Well on the day he passed, she was there. She was the most bereft anyone has seen her to be. For she was as I said, always happy. She wept for days and would go back to his room. I will never forget that moment when she just came up and started hugging the staff....Not in any other way then....He is gone isn't he? I tear up now just thinking about it. Here is a lady that folks would say is in her own world, unattainable. Inez touched my heart.
My best friend's husband died (expectedly) after a long spring and summer under hospice care, one week to the minute after my husband died very unexpectedly from a sudden heart attack. So my best friend and I have been able to compare grief experiences - a sudden unexpected death vs a long slow death.
Also, our relationships differ considerably. My husband was my very best friend, my running buddy, my boon companion, my friend with benefits. We had been together 15 years. He and I were very similar, not opposites. She and her husband were definitely a case of opposites attracting. They'd been married for over 20 years but had separated once for five years, had affairs, bought separate property, and then the last six months of his life he was basically bedridden and she was spending thousands of dollars a month trying to take care of him.
So anyway, a month or so after both our husbands died, she called me in a fine mood and said in a cheerful voice, "Let's go shopping! I'm doing some decorating - I've been waiting for years to decorate the way I want to! I was tired of my old life, I want a new life!" I told her, "Sorry. Not in the mood for shopping. I wasn't tired of my old life and I don't want this new life."
She has told me several times over the past few months that she did a lot of grieving before her husband died, after he went under hospice care. I do believe that - I saw it happening. She was definitely grieving for those months. She was also able to prepare in practical ways - she was able to meet with the funeral home, for instance, pick out a plot, even ask her husband what he wanted on his tombstone and more details about his wishes for the funeral.
With a sudden, unexpected death those options aren't there. But both scenarios are gut wrenching. I don't have a "preference," but personally, I'd rather go suddenly and painlessly than suffer for months.
My mom had vascular dementia and it was a long, slow process for her body to die, long after her mind was gone. I definitely grieved her long before her body died because I felt like she was no longer there. My dad had a better death - though he had some health issues during his last year alive, his condition was painless and only made him feel a bit fatigued sometimes (platelet disorder). Then he had a stroke to his brain stem so that was fatal. He passed away a few hours after we took him off life support and it seemed very peaceful.
I remember one time during that last year of his life, when he was admitted back into the hospital, and I called my husband from a hospital bathroom, nearly hyperventilating because I had realized that this was probably going to kill my dear father at some point. But it wasn't a constant sorrow and frustration like it was with my mom, for years.
I am so, so blessed. My father's last words to me were "I love you," and my husband's last words to me were "I love you, too, baby." Precious memories.
I tell people all the time, "Live with no regrets. If you love someone, tell them you love them. If you need to give someone something, give it to them. Don't wait."
I grieved the loss of my mother and my sister, long before they died. My sister developed Alzheimer's at 58 and lived to be 73. My mother developed dementia after surgery (anesthesia induced dementia I think they call it) at 84 and lived to be 91. Neither of them knew who I was, yet I was still a part of their lives. These two were the most important women in my life and losing them both, mentally before physically, was probably the most painful experience of my life. They are both deceased now and I still miss them terribly.
Grieving . . . not exactly sure what - a few relationships, loss of "best friend" (dog), loss of dreams, etc. - All kind of jumbled up at this point.
I am experiencing a lot of anger, but when I stop to really feel into it, the tears start and that alerts me to the fact this is grief . . .
No idea how to work through it.
I'm working through it and it's not easy, believe me. But what I force myself to do is SIT and FEEL things. You know what - it's not as terrible as I'm afraid it will be when I do that (which is every day). It's a discipline and it's not easy, believe me. But it's worth it.
I also work hard to rephrase things - for instance, I'm used to being my own worst critic. I expect a lot more of myself than I do of other people. I told my counselor "I am not even a good dog mama - I am not giving my dogs the love and attention they deserve and are used to!" (This was after I got out of my bed the night before, in the cold and dark, and laid down on the floor between my two dogs and loved on them.) My counselor said "Instead of saying that, rephrase it to 'I give my dogs all the love and attention that I can every single day.' " And she was right - I do. And I am NOT ignoring them, not at all. It's just a matter of perspective.
So I guess my point is to keep feeling into it and letting the tears start. And it will settle into place. That's my only advice.
I'm working through it and it's not easy, believe me. But what I force myself to do is SIT and FEEL things. You know what - it's not as terrible as I'm afraid it will be when I do that (which is every day). It's a discipline and it's not easy, believe me. But it's worth it.
I also work hard to rephrase things - for instance, I'm used to being my own worst critic. I expect a lot more of myself than I do of other people. I told my counselor "I am not even a good dog mama - I am not giving my dogs the love and attention they deserve and are used to!" (This was after I got out of my bed the night before, in the cold and dark, and laid down on the floor between my two dogs and loved on them.) My counselor said "Instead of saying that, rephrase it to 'I give my dogs all the love and attention that I can every single day.' " And she was right - I do. And I am NOT ignoring them, not at all. It's just a matter of perspective.
So I guess my point is to keep feeling into it and letting the tears start. And it will settle into place. That's my only advice.
Yes - it's all so subtle and inconvenient.
A lot of times I think what triggers me is unconscious, so I can't access "the reason."
Yesterday I woke up a little grumpy - didn't have a conscious thought of anything wrong, per se, and had a lot to feel good about, but started feeling angry "for no reason." In one moment of cuddling my dog (you mentioned dogs and that reminded me) I started crying . . . so I do know that under the anger is grief and despair . . . it's just "who's got time for that!" lol - cracks me up.
In my past, I have stuffed grief - again, no time to process it - so I think it's basically just a lot of unprocessed stuff . . . Many people are able to work through things, easily, but I don't seem to be one of them.
You have had a huge shock and have to rework everything in your life, I would imagine.
Life is so messy and we have such little control (that's one of my triggers: Fear of future - imaging worse-case scenarios cuz "bad things can happen" (and have happened). I can't seem to relax and let go. Trust issues!
A lot of times I think what triggers me is unconscious, so I can't access "the reason."
Yesterday I woke up a little grumpy - didn't have a conscious thought of anything wrong, per se, and had a lot to feel good about, but started feeling angry "for no reason." In one moment of cuddling my dog (you mentioned dogs and that reminded me) I started crying . . . so I do know that under the anger is grief and despair . . . it's just "who's got time for that!" lol - cracks me up.
In my past, I have stuffed grief - again, no time to process it - so I think it's basically just a lot of unprocessed stuff . . . Many people are able to work through things, easily, but I don't seem to be one of them.
You have had a huge shock and have to rework everything in your life, I would imagine.
Life is so messy and we have such little control (that's one of my triggers: Fear of future - imaging worse-case scenarios cuz "bad things can happen" (and have happened). I can't seem to relax and let go. Trust issues!
You know what helps me a lot?
And I have to make myself do this, but I do nearly every day and afterward I am always glad I took the time to do it:
I sit in a favorite rocking chair, and I hug myself (if that makes sense, put my arms around my chest), and I pat each arm audibly as I rock. This is like patting a baby's back to get them to go to sleep, or something like that. It's the universal self comfort pose. I close my eyes and breathe in through my nose and out through my mouth and rock and pat.
The first few times I did this, all I did was cry. Now I don't often cry. And it ALWAYS makes me feel better. Every single time.
I usually do it right before I go to bed, and it seems to really help settle my mind.
Dogs are so awesome by the way. I think my dogs really do feel a lot of empathy for me and God knows I need it. Especially my big, old black Lab - she is always so attune to how I feel. She exists only to give me love and healing I believe. It was very, very traumatic for her to cause me to trip and break my elbow. She was absolutely mortified. Even though I was laying in the hospital thinking about how to kill her humanely, I also knew I wasn't going to do that of course. Hey, I was on morphine. Anyway, here's the crazy thing. Since I tripped over her in October, she has stayed completely out of my way when I'm walking. Right now, I'm sitting and she's laying at my feet, but I promise you that when I get up, she is going to move like greased lightning to get out of my way. But she'll still be watching me for any possible needs. She is so precious.
I grieved the loss of my mother and my sister, long before they died. My sister developed Alzheimer's at 58 and lived to be 73. My mother developed dementia after surgery (anesthesia induced dementia I think they call it) at 84 and lived to be 91. Neither of them knew who I was, yet I was still a part of their lives. These two were the most important women in my life and losing them both, mentally before physically, was probably the most painful experience of my life. They are both deceased now and I still miss them terribly.
My mom had a long, slow cascade into Alzheimer's that took about 15 years (that we were aware of it). She had plateaus that lasted 6-8 months with no change so we would adjust expectations only to witness another decline and we would make another adjustment. For her to know and recognize that she was failing was the hardest part and we all grieved with her. The full sense of grief set in about the last 5 years when she was in full decline in a nursing home. It is prolonged but not as intense in my experience because you still have care-giving responsibilities that have to be done and I was her guardian. I ended up having to "pull the p!ug" on life support at different times for the two most important women in my life.
A lot of times I think what triggers me is unconscious, so I can't access "the reason."
Yesterday I woke up a little grumpy - didn't have a conscious thought of anything wrong, per se, and had a lot to feel good about, but started feeling angry "for no reason." In one moment of cuddling my dog (you mentioned dogs and that reminded me) I started crying . . . so I do know that under the anger is grief and despair . . . it's just "who's got time for that!" lol - cracks me up.
In my past, I have stuffed grief - again, no time to process it - so I think it's basically just a lot of unprocessed stuff . . . Many people are able to work through things, easily, but I don't seem to be one of them.
You have had a huge shock and have to rework everything in your life, I would imagine.
Life is so messy and we have such little control (that's one of my triggers: Fear of future - imaging worse-case scenarios cuz "bad things can happen" (and have happened). I can't seem to relax and let go. Trust issues!
When my husband died, my biggest fear was getting stuck in my grief. I watched my mother do it, and it was really really ugly. And she started to drink.
I didn’t feel as if I was stuck but everybody I know told me that therapy would be a wonderful thing. And for a while it was. Didn’t end well but that happens. If you are truly stuck in your grief, I suggest you go to a therapist who could help you understand why are you are stuck. And help you get unstuck.
There’s nothing wrong with you. And going to therapy doesn’t mean there is something wrong with you. You just need a very safe place to unpack all your baggage of things that you need to unpack.
My mom had a long, slow cascade into Alzheimer's that took about 15 years (that we were aware of it). She had plateaus that lasted 6-8 months with no change so we would adjust expectations only to witness another decline and we would make another adjustment. For her to know and recognize that she was failing was the hardest part and we all grieved with her. The full sense of grief set in about the last 5 years when she was in full decline in a nursing home. It is prolonged but not as intense in my experience because you still have care-giving responsibilities that have to be done and I was her guardian. I ended up having to "pull the p!ug" on life support at different times for the two most important women in my life.
I am so very sorry you had to experience that pain. I think what makes it easier, if there is such a thing, is knowing that others live with the same thing we have to endure. Maybe that's the reason support groups exist. We are not alone. Sharing our feelings and offering kind words to others who are in the same boat connects us. I can't speak for others but I know it does for me. When I focus on what others have to go through and try to offer emotional support, it lessens my own grief.
I can't even imagine what that might have felt like ... being the one with the responsibility of "pulling the plug" You're a very strong person, SunGrins. Don't you ever forget that.
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Solly says — Be nice!
