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View Poll Results: Am I Wrong to Feel Cold and What Should I Show?
Mostly wrong to feel cold, and act like a mourner 1 6.67%
Understandable given his relative lack of sympahty but act like a mourner 1 6.67%
Understandable given his relative lack of sympahty but be correct, not unduly sympathetic 3 20.00%
Though I shouldn't "put him in his place" how I feel is understandable 6 40.00%
Others as well as poll-takers, post your views 4 26.67%
Voters: 15. You may not vote on this poll

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Old 08-06-2021, 01:16 PM
 
15,630 posts, read 26,105,565 times
Reputation: 30902

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Quote:
Originally Posted by jbgusa View Post
Having a long memory does not mean I'm "carrying this." I didn't think of this every day for 25 years. Having a good memory gives me certain advantages.
I get that. It’s just hard for other people to not extrapolate things when we’re not in your head. I have somebody who really wronged me many years ago. And I hopefully will never have to see her again. But I think about that every once in a while and what I would say if I saw her again.

I certainly don’t walk around rubbing my hands together waiting for the day, and writing that script on a daily basis. To me that’s very similar to that old phrase of drinking the poison and expecting the other person to die.

I would be very kind because that is my nature. But as I once told somebody who was attempting to finagle her way around me and use me for her own uses, never ever ever mistake my being nice for being a doormat.

I have my father‘s temper. A really long fuse tied to a very large cask of TNT. Me, angry? You do not want to see that.
__________________
Solly says — Be nice!
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Old 08-06-2021, 01:27 PM
 
Location: Wonderland
67,667 posts, read 60,168,407 times
Reputation: 100981
Quote:
Originally Posted by Tallysmom View Post
I get that. It’s just hard for other people to not extrapolate things when we’re not in your head. I have somebody who really wronged me many years ago. And I hopefully will never have to see her again. But I think about that every once in a while and what I would say if I saw her again.

I certainly don’t walk around rubbing my hands together waiting for the day, and writing that script on a daily basis. To me that’s very similar to that old phrase of drinking the poison and expecting the other person to die.

I would be very kind because that is my nature. But as I once told somebody who was attempting to finagle her way around me and use me for her own uses, never ever ever mistake my being nice for being a doormat.

I have my father‘s temper. A really long fuse tied to a very large cask of TNT. Me, angry? You do not want to see that.
I'm like that - it takes a lot to get me truly angry but when I am - Katie, bar the door.

I tend to get very cold though - I don't tend to blow up. I get cold and absolutely ruthless. Don't make me feel like I have nothing to lose because that's the WORST. Just ask TruGreen - LOL. Or the appliance department at Sears - oh wait, they're out of business here...

I have always had trouble getting people to believe me when I tell them, "Look, I mean it - you're really making me angry. Here is what is going to happen if you keep doing (fill in the blank): First this...then this...I mean it." I think people expect me to be yelling this at them or something, but the reality is that my voice gets lower and I get quieter. This does not bode well.
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Old 08-06-2021, 08:35 PM
Status: "A solution in search of a problem" (set 8 days ago)
 
Location: New York Area
34,396 posts, read 16,502,517 times
Reputation: 29551
Quote:
Originally Posted by KathrynAragon View Post
So did your work colleague's dad pass away?
Not yet. Moved to hospice though. I did say a healing prayer for him in synagogue tonight.
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Old 08-06-2021, 08:38 PM
Status: "A solution in search of a problem" (set 8 days ago)
 
Location: New York Area
34,396 posts, read 16,502,517 times
Reputation: 29551
Quote:
Originally Posted by Tallysmom View Post
I get that. It’s just hard for other people to not extrapolate things when we’re not in your head. I have somebody who really wronged me many years ago. And I hopefully will never have to see her again. But I think about that every once in a while and what I would say if I saw her again.

I certainly don’t walk around rubbing my hands together waiting for the day, and writing that script on a daily basis. To me that’s very similar to that old phrase of drinking the poison and expecting the other person to die.

I would be very kind because that is my nature. But as I once told somebody who was attempting to finagle her way around me and use me for her own uses, never ever ever mistake my being nice for being a doormat.

I have my father‘s temper. A really long fuse tied to a very large cask of TNT. Me, angry? You do not want to see that.
You pretty much get it and I also have my father's temper. Just as I can remember travel directions from almost 50 years ago I can remember what people said. I mean if I run into a sleepaway camp buddy from 1971 I'll remember that he had a Black Lab named Poacher.
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Old 08-07-2021, 12:33 AM
 
Location: PNW
7,185 posts, read 3,005,195 times
Reputation: 10269
Quote:
Originally Posted by jbgusa View Post
"Somewhat on guard" is not "tenterhooks." The fact that I am a litigating attorney keeps most non-attorneys "somewhat on guard" since I can ask targeted questions.

I have an idea. At some point (beyond grieving), invite the guy along with all the important friends and family to a "trial party." You can try him on all counts and render a judgement. But, I guess you have to give him discovery up front (so he can also prepare). Maybe you can come up with a monetary settlement?
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Old 08-07-2021, 12:45 AM
 
Location: PNW
7,185 posts, read 3,005,195 times
Reputation: 10269
Quote:
Originally Posted by Tallysmom View Post
One of the interesting things is what we hold onto and what means a lot to us. I have a friend that I lost touch with years and years ago. She was very very dear to me. And we got back in contact on Facebook.

I have the things that she gave me as gifts over the years in the way back time and one day I happened to share a photo with a gift that she had given me hanging on the wall behind me. She made a comment about it and I said you got me that for my birthday 30 some years ago and she didn’t remember.

And she got me a little tiny dish with a gorgeous glaze on it, and I use it for my needlework. And I took a photo of what I was doing and that little dish was there with thread ends in it. And she commented on the little dish and I said you got that for me for Christmas. She didn’t remember.

Then she shared a picture of a rug that she got out of storage and was going to put down in her living room and I said to her that’s the rug your mom had in your living room and she said I don’t remember that but you’re probably right — you have a freakishly good memory.

I’ve realized that I cherish little things that people have given me. They mean a lot to me. To me the things signify how they feel about me. Probably she was much dearer to me than I was to her. I’m OK with that.

My late husband‘s ex girlfriend bought me a mug with silly cat faces and my initial on it in tabby , I use it every day. To me it’s like a hug from someone who cares very much about me.

That’s my positive spin on what you’re feeling.

You have every right to be miffed, ticked, unhappy with how this guy has acted. Absolutely. But, this guy might not have the self-realization ability to take accountability of what he’s done. People love to throw around narcissist and other terms like that, but in reality people live very much in their moments and don’t think, just react. I can’t tell you how many times my dad sat me down as a child and told me that the good Lord gave me a brain for a reason, and that I was not using it to the best of my abilities. So my taught me to think before I react.

I know you wanna let this guy have it but really, all that will happen is it’ll blow back onto you because he’ll run around and talk about how awful it was that you did X Y or Z, so take the high road. You know the truth.

Sounds more like the person had a touch of dementia more than anything. But, I read something decades ago about valiance between people. You may start with a lower valiance than someone and it is set for the entirety of the relationship. You could have actually meant less to the person than they did to you (nothing wrong with that as there are different kinds of friends). The word was used not exactly as status; but, more as a type of standing. So, I might make a friend when I am new to town and they benefit me and give me the inside scoop and show me around and I am looking up to them for that favor. Twenty years later with many hills and valleys having gone by the same psychology is still at work with that person. I believe this is why some relationships end (because there is a variance between the assumed status and the personal growth of the people involved.
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Old 08-07-2021, 06:09 AM
Status: "Mistress of finance and foods." (set 12 days ago)
 
Location: Coastal Georgia
49,965 posts, read 63,265,686 times
Reputation: 92393
I can’t believe you are still ruminating on something that happened in the 1990s. Get over it.
Always take the high road, and you will not regret it. Be the better man.
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Old 08-07-2021, 07:18 AM
Status: "A solution in search of a problem" (set 8 days ago)
 
Location: New York Area
34,396 posts, read 16,502,517 times
Reputation: 29551
Quote:
Originally Posted by gentlearts View Post
I can’t believe you are still ruminating on something that happened in the 1990s. Get over it.
Always take the high road, and you will not regret it. Be the better man.
Why don't you read? I have a good memory for lots of things, good as well as bad. I can remember acts of kindness of people from the Nixon and even the Johnson era. Are you suggesting I should let go of good memories?
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Old 08-07-2021, 08:00 AM
 
Location: Wonderland
67,667 posts, read 60,168,407 times
Reputation: 100981
I'm wondering why this thread keeps going. It's like a form of Chinese water torture. And if anyone is thinking "Well, just don't read it," well, I was curious about whether or not the guy's dad had died, and that hasn't happened yet either.
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Old 10-17-2021, 06:08 PM
Status: "A solution in search of a problem" (set 8 days ago)
 
Location: New York Area
34,396 posts, read 16,502,517 times
Reputation: 29551
Update: he hasn't died. I'm wondering if it was in part a sympathy play for reasons I'll explain if anyone is interested.
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