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Old 08-19-2021, 07:28 PM
 
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I learned that my very first boyfriend died last month at the age of 34. We were together in our early to mid 20s ....I would have never expected this and it came as a complete shock to me. I guess I am fortunate to have experienced little death in my life... Only my grandparents and they were both well in to their 80s when they passed, so it felt different.

This feels so confusing to me. 1. Because he's my ex. I haven't spoken to him in 10 years. I was not in his day to day life or even connected on social media with him. 2. I feel extremely bummed and empty, even though I have no feelings toward him anymore. I feel confused and weird... sad. Sad that this person who I shared so many firsts with is not on this planet anymore. We were only together for about 2.5 years, but at the time it seemed intense and genuine. We loved eachother and had many great memories together, tho the relationship ended on a bad note.

Learning that he passed away really bums me out and I have been thinking about it all day. I am currently with my partner of 5 years now and I don't want to be too emotional around him because of this. I don't want him to think there is some kind of longing to be with him again because there really is not. It's just that the person, who had such an impact on me in my 20s is no longer alive. No longer shares the memory of me or us. I dont know if I should be feeling this glum about it, but I find myself feeling pretty terrible. Wondering how others coped with the news of an ex dying? Was there a sense of sadness? I have thought about him all day and tears have filled my eyes.
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Old 08-19-2021, 07:38 PM
 
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You may have broken things off with him years ago but he was a big part of your life. Even if your relationship ended on a bad note, you still had some good memories before things went sour.

Also, it's always a shock when someone dies so young.

Remember, everybody grieves differently. There is no right or wrong way to do it.
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Old 08-19-2021, 08:34 PM
 
Location: Southwest Washington State
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A former close friend of one of my adult children died very young. Even though the two were not in touch at that point, I remember how traumatic it was.

I don’t think your experience is unusual. This person was important to you at a certain time in your life. His death was not expected. Finding out about his death was a shock.

I do think it would be OK to tell your SO about the death, so he understands how you are feeling. I imagine he has an ex as well he should be able to relate. You and he should be able to talk about these things. Doing so would be a sign of a healthy relationship, I think.

Best wishes.
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Old 08-19-2021, 08:41 PM
 
Location: Avignon, France
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I had an ex died of an OD a few months ago. I never knew him to use drugs. He didn’t smoke or drink and when we were together he was very health conscious. We didn’t keep in touch after the breakup, but I still cared for him. He was only 35 and an oral surgeon. So sad.
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Old 08-19-2021, 09:12 PM
 
Location: South Florida
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Yes, I've lost two ex's from my late teen days, both to suicide. The suicide part landed an especially hard gut punch upon learning of their respective deaths, but even if that had not been the cause, the sense of loss just from their death was as you described. I am happily married, and my life is as it should be, but I do miss them being in the world, even though I had no plans to see them or talk to them when they were still alive.

My relationships with them each lasted a few years and then ended, decades ago, yet I still think of them and feel overwhelming sadness at times that they are gone, and that they did not get to live out their natural lives in the way we expected we all would in our youth. I wish I could know that they were still traveling along their own path in this life after sharing a path with me for awhile.

I think this is natural. I remember what it felt like to love them and I don't think any type of intense emotional connection like that is ever completely severed. The relationship gets redefined on the practical, day to day level, and that may include not having had anything to do with each other for decades or the rest of your lives, but it doesn't mean it's over.

Honestly, thinking about this and typing this post has made me feel pretty sad again, but I'm kind of glad that I feel it. I would rather feel sad than feel nothing when I think of them.
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Old 08-19-2021, 09:43 PM
 
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Quote:
Originally Posted by Dragonmam View Post
Yes, I've lost two ex's from my late teen days, both to suicide. The suicide part landed an especially hard gut punch upon learning of their respective deaths, but even if that had not been the cause, the sense of loss just from their death was as you described. I am happily married, and my life is as it should be, but I do miss them being in the world, even though I had no plans to see them or talk to them when they were still alive.

My relationships with them each lasted a few years and then ended, decades ago, yet I still think of them and feel overwhelming sadness at times that they are gone, and that they did not get to live out their natural lives in the way we expected we all would in our youth. I wish I could know that they were still traveling along their own path in this life after sharing a path with me for awhile.

I think this is natural. I remember what it felt like to love them and I don't think any type of intense emotional connection like that is ever completely severed. The relationship gets redefined on the practical, day to day level, and that may include not having had anything to do with each other for decades or the rest of your lives, but it doesn't mean it's over.

Honestly, thinking about this and typing this post has made me feel pretty sad again, but I'm kind of glad that I feel it. I would rather feel sad than feel nothing when I think of them.
Thank you for sharing this.
Sadly, it appears my ex has passed the same way yours had-- by suicide. It was utterly shocking to me because when I was with him, he was always so happy and one of the cornerstones of our relationships were the constant laughs we shared. And yes, exactly like u said-- I wish he was still here..on his own path after sharing a path with me for a while... I'll never forget those years. The good, of course...but also the bad-- it made me who I am, it taught me something. Never wanted him to not be on this earth.... especially since it was suicide, makes me feel deep sadness for the state he was in.... and I had no idea.
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Old 08-20-2021, 07:42 AM
 
Location: Wonderland
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As far as I know, none of my exes has died (yet) but what you're describing does seem completely normal and understandable to me.

A suicide is even more shocking in my opinion.

I agree with the other poster who said that perhaps you should share this with your significant other. I also believe that this could really open up a healthy conversation, and help your significant other be more open to the whole concept and maybe even share memories of an ex with you that he'd feel similar emotions toward. I think this can only be good.

I have often wondered how my husband's ex wife felt about him dying. She's been married several times and is now divorced and single again, and I honestly don't think she has any concept of a healthy relationship, or the genuine fondness and LIKING that a couple can share easily together, which thankfully my husband and I enjoyed. But I do believe that she always regretted divorcing my husband (several years before he and I met) and they were married for a long time and had a child together, so there's that connection. She did say something to me one time - actually she said several things to me over time that shed some light on how she felt, including saying the absolute worst thing anyone has ever said to me. But anyway, I do think she was deeply affected and she didn't have the "place of honor" as his wife when he died, which was difficult for her from what I could tell.

I did originally reach out to her but over time I had to put her out of my life because she was so caustic and I didn't need that drama, especially while trying to process my own grief over losing the husband that I absolutely adored. But I do hope she has been able to process her own grief, because I do believe she did feel grief and perhaps still does.
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Old 08-20-2021, 11:37 AM
 
5,390 posts, read 9,632,892 times
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Quote:
Originally Posted by KathrynAragon View Post
As far as I know, none of my exes has died (yet) but what you're describing does seem completely normal and understandable to me.

A suicide is even more shocking in my opinion.

I agree with the other poster who said that perhaps you should share this with your significant other. I also believe that this could really open up a healthy conversation, and help your significant other be more open to the whole concept and maybe even share memories of an ex with you that he'd feel similar emotions toward. I think this can only be good.

I have often wondered how my husband's ex wife felt about him dying. She's been married several times and is now divorced and single again, and I honestly don't think she has any concept of a healthy relationship, or the genuine fondness and LIKING that a couple can share easily together, which thankfully my husband and I enjoyed. But I do believe that she always regretted divorcing my husband (several years before he and I met) and they were married for a long time and had a child together, so there's that connection. She did say something to me one time - actually she said several things to me over time that shed some light on how she felt, including saying the absolute worst thing anyone has ever said to me. But anyway, I do think she was deeply affected and she didn't have the "place of honor" as his wife when he died, which was difficult for her from what I could tell.

I did originally reach out to her but over time I had to put her out of my life because she was so caustic and I didn't need that drama, especially while trying to process my own grief over losing the husband that I absolutely adored. But I do hope she has been able to process her own grief, because I do believe she did feel grief and perhaps still does.
Thanks, Kathryn. I'm sure your husband's ex-wife felt grief, in her own way of course. After all, they did share a child together and knowing that the father of your child has passed away must feel like something...

And I'm sorry to hear about your husband, Kathryn. Know that I am sending you positive thoughts, good energy and prayers. Death is such a weird concept for me to grasp. As a 30-something that (thankfully) hasn't dealt with too much death in my life, I find that I think about it often enough, like in the sense that I hate it. I hate the idea of death, the permanent loss of someone you love, it's scary and empty feeling. Maybe that's because I'm not sure what the afterlife holds. While I was raised Christian and was raised to believe in heaven/hell and all of that, the truth is...I don't know if I actually believe any of it. We just don't know. We just have to believe it, but there's no real truth to it. We only choose to believe....and that what makes it so sad to me. That a person can die....and that's it. Just Poof. out like a light.
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Old 08-20-2021, 12:13 PM
 
15,633 posts, read 26,126,777 times
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Quote:
Originally Posted by KathrynAragon View Post
As far as I know, none of my exes has died (yet) but what you're describing does seem completely normal and understandable to me.

A suicide is even more shocking in my opinion.

I agree with the other poster who said that perhaps you should share this with your significant other. I also believe that this could really open up a healthy conversation, and help your significant other be more open to the whole concept and maybe even share memories of an ex with you that he'd feel similar emotions toward. I think this can only be good.

I have often wondered how my husband's ex wife felt about him dying. She's been married several times and is now divorced and single again, and I honestly don't think she has any concept of a healthy relationship, or the genuine fondness and LIKING that a couple can share easily together, which thankfully my husband and I enjoyed. But I do believe that she always regretted divorcing my husband (several years before he and I met) and they were married for a long time and had a child together, so there's that connection. She did say something to me one time - actually she said several things to me over time that shed some light on how she felt, including saying the absolute worst thing anyone has ever said to me. But anyway, I do think she was deeply affected and she didn't have the "place of honor" as his wife when he died, which was difficult for her from what I could tell.

I did originally reach out to her but over time I had to put her out of my life because she was so caustic and I didn't need that drama, especially while trying to process my own grief over losing the husband that I absolutely adored. But I do hope she has been able to process her own grief, because I do believe she did feel grief and perhaps still does.
My sister went through a horrible divorce and is still VERY ANGRY with him. He’s dead, almost 20 years, but she can’t let it go. And frankly, with her dementia, she goes on and on… and can’t let it go.

With other things you’ve said…she sounds like she’s all about herself. His death inconvenienced her and she is angry because now she can’t get anything else out of him. The gravy train is over. Even if he never caved and never gave her anything, in her mind, there was still a chance she could wheedle something. Now, that’s over…because she has NO hold over you.
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Old 08-20-2021, 04:53 PM
 
Location: Wonderland
67,655 posts, read 60,289,862 times
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Quote:
Originally Posted by OptimusPrime69 View Post
Thanks, Kathryn. I'm sure your husband's ex-wife felt grief, in her own way of course. After all, they did share a child together and knowing that the father of your child has passed away must feel like something...

And I'm sorry to hear about your husband, Kathryn. Know that I am sending you positive thoughts, good energy and prayers. Death is such a weird concept for me to grasp. As a 30-something that (thankfully) hasn't dealt with too much death in my life, I find that I think about it often enough, like in the sense that I hate it. I hate the idea of death, the permanent loss of someone you love, it's scary and empty feeling. Maybe that's because I'm not sure what the afterlife holds. While I was raised Christian and was raised to believe in heaven/hell and all of that, the truth is...I don't know if I actually believe any of it. We just don't know. We just have to believe it, but there's no real truth to it. We only choose to believe....and that what makes it so sad to me. That a person can die....and that's it. Just Poof. out like a light.
Well, as a practicing Christian, I do believe in an afterlife, but I also believe that we're all in for some surprises in that regard! Time will tell.

Anyway, thank you about my husband. It was a shock, and it was very sudden. One minute he was alive and well and the next minute he was 100 percent gone. He was 62 and a very young 62 at that, still working, still living life to the fullest. What a shock it was.

But we all die, you know? Every last one of us. And one thing all that taught me is that we just never know when our time is up. Death seems capricious but the truth of the matter is that it's an appointment we've all got. For instance, how many anniversaries of his death did my husband, and then my husband and I, go through without a thought before it actually happened? Many, many.

I know, depressing. But in a way, it's not. It's just the way it is. It's hard to wrap our heads around but there it is. It's sort of amazing that we aren't all running around screaming! LOL
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