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Old 02-26-2009, 07:36 PM
Location: fla
1,511 posts, read 2,699,738 times
Reputation: 709


Originally Posted by njsocks View Post
Has this happened to anyone? Not speaking to a family member after someone in family died?
We weren't the closest growing up, but you would think a brother/sister would mature through the years.
My mom died 14 years ago. My brother (who is 2 years older than I)married a real peach of a woman.He fought with her through their relationship it is a wonder they are still together. She basically didn't want him to have a relationship with anyone in his family. She is very insecure and my brother has cut off basically everyone in his extended family. My mother and father are both deceased. This event happened after the passing of my mom.

I had gotten married 3 wks after my mom died. I still had things in my old house that I resided in for 29 years. I asked my brother to do a walk through of anything in house he/I wanted to split or take....I called him 3 times,left messages on answering machine and no call backs.

I proceeded to go over the old house and get my things I still had..I went to the door and the locks were changed ! I then ended up getting my belongings and leaving ALL THE FURNITURE/APPLIANCES/lawn equipment..only my Mom's bedroom set!

My dear brother came over my house and had a few choice words for me. He was getting married in 2 weeks and had not one stick of furniture. They had nothing to move into their small apt. He then "spit" right in my face and told me a few more choice words. I was humiliated to say the least. I am going to only mention the basics here as I care not to bring everything up here.

Being the nice person I am, I called him 5 months later after the whole ordeal with my mom's estate was over..He asked me "who put me up to calling him".. I said, I am the only sister you have and you are the only brother I have".. He basically didn't care. I had gotten divorced and a friend had told him I wanted to talk to him. He said Maybe in a few months that he was having a kid...That never happened (getting a hold of me).

He had two kids and never told anyone in my family except one family member *an aunt* that he even had a child. I sent a savings bond in his kid's name and got it returned to me w/ his wife's writing on it. I sent him a few cards over the years and an announcement on the birth of my kids. I haven't seen him in 14 years. I just think life is too short, but when you keep getting kicked in the arse its not worth it anymore. I think I was the bigger one by trying to end this crud.What could one be so bitter about 14 years later is beyond me over petty stuff. I chose to let all of this nonsense go years ago..I guess if I died tomorrow he would still not show any remorse or care at all.

Would you even bother to contact someone like this anymore? I thnk I have had enough heartache.It just totally hurts he could have nothing to do with his own sister.
WE MUST BE RELATED----I HAVE HAD NO CONTACT WITH MY ONLY SIBLING-----it's his turn to try to pursue a relationship with me---i am tired of trying!
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Old 06-19-2010, 07:54 AM
Location: Yucaipa, California
9,599 posts, read 17,710,188 times
Reputation: 6248
Just reading some of these posts are quite upsetting. How a blood family member can treat another family member so bad is beyond me. Im glad i get along with my 3 siblings (not always though but for the most part). I feel sorry for the op. What a rude brother & sister in law. Keep in mind its his loss & you tried to get along. As rodney king said in 1992 "Why cant we all just get along".
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Old 06-19-2010, 09:39 AM
Location: Ohio
751 posts, read 1,413,559 times
Reputation: 645
When my mother passed away my older sister was always picking fights with me over our mother personal belongings.I just looked at her square in the eyes and told her that although I had as much right to our mothers things as she did to just quit her childish behavior and stick the items up her butt.That I refused to enter into any silly/childish arguements with her over material things which was all they were.She didn't really and truly want those items she was just being a brat.That they were only material things to me and that there was one thing though that she could never ever take from me and that was all my memories I had of my mother and I and all the fun we had together.

I quit speaking to her after that and didn't do so for 20 yrs.She tried calling me once and I told that we no longer had anything else to talk about and hung up.

I have an older brother who I quit talking to also when I found out that he had sold two graves which were next to where my father is buried to complete strangers for two hundred dollars when at the time he sold them those grave sites were actually worth over a thousand dollars a piece.Plus he also pocketed the two hundred dollars.He said he felt sorry for that other family. When I found out what he'd done I was beyond being furious and called him every name but a white man.While in tears I asked him how could he just say sc*** our father,mother and sister over complete strangers. I haven't spoked to him since.

Priviously I had planned on selling those two sites and purchasing my father,mother and sister gravemarkers.
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Old 06-19-2010, 09:52 AM
3,592 posts, read 4,515,429 times
Reputation: 4730
Yes, I had a sister-in-law who put herself as a wedge between my brother and his family. My brother is a fraternal twin to me and growing up we were very close. We as our brother's family are not welcome in their home. I don't know whether to be more angry at her for being so selfish or at him for being so weak and allowing him to bully him in their marriage. We did nothing to deserve this treatment. We see each other around socially. The sister-in-law is quick to be phony and smile in my face because she knows she's running the show, and that's the way she likes it. Bruce went from being a high school dropout to being affluent. I'm sure that has a lot to do with her controlling ways and why she keeps him on lockdown.

I detest insecure people who feel the need to cut their spouse off from their family (I call it kidnap them) when the family has not abused the person or done anything wrong. It's a small comfort, but: payback WILL visit her and she will have family problems of her own later on, and she will have no one but herself to blame.

My advice to you is make sure you spend time around people who love you in a healthy manner and appreciate you. I wouldn't say forget about your brother because he is your blood. Blood--your love for family is thicker than water---the wife's ignorance. Do what you need to do to avoid your heart becoming bitter and hardened against your brother. Dysfunctional marriages come and go, but family is forever. He may really need you one day, and it would make me sad to think you turned your back on him because of his wife's past selfishness towards you.
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Old 06-19-2010, 11:38 AM
5,769 posts, read 3,096,140 times
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Happened to my siblings and I after my Mom died.

Looking back on it, there was little direct communication between my siblings and I .... Mom tended to be the go-between, When she died, people weren't very able to communicate with each other, and showed no real interest in learning.
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Old 06-19-2010, 12:06 PM
Location: Portlandia "burbs"
10,236 posts, read 13,526,200 times
Reputation: 25856
Njsocks, let him go. He took a very remote detour in life, and I don't think you would even like this person if you got to know him. He knows you're open to re-establishing a sibling relationship again, so the rest is up to him.

I don't think he should have felt entitled to anything inside his parents house, but you didn't mention if he was excluded in wills. If not, well. . .

I do hope you told him what he needed to hear when he came to your house! The fact that he didn't have "one stick of furniture" didn't mean diddly-squat that he was entitled to anything, including what he said to you. That was absolute bull$hit. But, then, I'm not one to accept bad behaviors only because of bloodlines.

There were no such issues within my family, but I sure saw some ugliness in my husband's when their mother died. One of his sisters had an issue with me already and we didn't speak for 7 years. It did eventually work itself out and we get along fine now. But there were other quirky things that caused changes, and I've noticed that my husband has distanced himself from his family in recent years. I try to encourage him to go visit but he says no.
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Old 06-19-2010, 02:42 PM
Location: Yucaipa, California
9,599 posts, read 17,710,188 times
Reputation: 6248
I have a step mother, step bro, step sister, ex-bro in law, cousin & possibly father who wouldnt help me if i was living in my car with my cats or in a cardboard box under a bridge. Im not even sure if you can live in your car in ca. I do know your dl, the car tags & ins has to be current or else it gets impounded & your life is totally turned upside down. What a world we live in.
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Old 06-19-2010, 02:56 PM
Status: "In an Involuntary Time Warp" (set 25 days ago)
7,855 posts, read 10,155,094 times
Reputation: 11408
My husband's family were winners, too. Both of his siblings (and a twin, let alone) confiscated all the funds/houses/cars they could before the parents passed. And, to save money, after getting most of it, the sister had the father cremated after he passed!
I've heard of such stories, but never knew it up front. Naivety on my part. The brother had the mother buy a car when she was 80 and not driving anymore! One more thing for him to inherit. Lol.
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Old 06-19-2010, 03:45 PM
Location: Portlandia "burbs"
10,236 posts, read 13,526,200 times
Reputation: 25856
It all proves what I've said for years. Blood is thicker than water, but it can be pretty anemic.
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Old 06-19-2010, 03:57 PM
Location: 39 20' 59"N / 75 30' 53"W
15,710 posts, read 22,772,956 times
Reputation: 17461
Originally Posted by Lindsey_Mcfarren View Post
Thing were never good in my family but when my Father passed away, they became out of control.
Same here our family was held together by my father, he didn't have a tolerence for the BS but a lot slipped under his radar bc mother knew how to manipulate situations, after his death it went out of control. I haven't had contact with any for going on two yrs now, there wasn't anything positive about the relationships.
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