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Has this happened to anyone? Not speaking to a family member after someone in family died?
In my mother's generation, between her and her siblings. There was no reason for it except that they all fell for their mother's manipulations. Grandma liked to play the "divide and conquer" thing between her kids. Keep them separate and weak, they can't combine to form a unit which defies her or calls her down on her abuse. Each child would play up to their mother, trying to be the one who was loved. Their mother would use that against them. Grandma was really an evil woman.
You'd think that, as adults, Mother and her sibs would become aware of what was done to them, and become resolved to one another, but they never did. When Grandma died, she purposely did not leave a will or instructions. She gave her only son power of attorney, which backfired on her. He put her in a nursing home, saying it was only for a short time since she was recovering from surgery, then cancelled the lease on her apartment, cleared out her finances, and sold all her belongings. Rather than face her and condemn the way she treated him and his two sisters, he went behind her back and did something dirty. The shock killed her.
For this brief time, Son and his older sister joined forces to clear out their mother's apartment and sell everything, leaving my mother absolutely nothing. Those two even went against their mother's wishes for the kind of funeral she desired, bringing in a Pentecostal preacher, not having the kind of music she liked, and basically dumping her in hole in the ground. She was an awful person, but that was a cowardly, petty sort of revenge.
After that, none of the siblings communicated with one another except in mean-spirited terms. I found out by accident that my uncle died; then had to deal with my aunt harassing my mother for no good reason except that Aunt is a grade A b*. I tracked Aunt down via Facebook, plus her sons. I knew my Aunt wouldn't respond to anything I said - in fact, she'd love to know that my mother was bothered by her behavior - so I messaged the sons that I was going to take the matter to a lawyer; they better tell their crazy mother to lay off the harassment of her younger sister. That seemed to work.
People are just stupid. Such toxicity that could have been resolved. Rather than reaching out to one another as adults, acknowledging that they had been abused and trying to help one another heal, they continued to try and victimize one another. In fact, my mother tried a mild form of that manipulation on ME and MY siblings, but it didn't work. We recognized her behavior, said "ohhhh, no, no, no. That sh*t is NOT going to work on US" and promised one another that we'd work out whatever differences we had between us.
We were determined that such nonsense would not be passed down to another generation - at least for us. I'm not sure how my Aunt and Uncle's kids have acted toward one another.
My dad passed away in 1984 five years after my mother. I have one brother and one sister, neither one ever came about my parents even though their children was always a constant with my parents. My parents left everything to the grandchildren.
After my mother passed away my dad starting hauling things to my home. Old antiques from my grandmother and my mother's collection too. A hall tree, washstand with pitcher and bowl, old churn, marble top tables, a Jenny Lind bed, jewelry. I told him to stop but he was determine this was what my mother wanted. He then sat me down and gave me an insurance policy with just me as the beneficiary. He told me when he passed to be sure and get a copy of his death certificate but not to cash it in until the estate was settled.
My brother-in-law was administrator of my dad's estate and after dad passed away, I received a call to meet him and my sister at dad's house. I got there and the house was totally empty ... everything was gone. Bedrooms empty, kitchen empty, dining room empty, den empty, nothing in the house and his car was gone. They had a box of pictures I had given my parents of my children with my name on it. Even with removing the things my dad gave me he and mom still had a house full of furniture, china, silver, linens (my mom loved January White Sales!)
But it didn't matter to me, the only thing I truly loved and would always miss in that house was gone, my mom and dad. The other things are just 'stuff' and I have given the antiques to my children when they moved out. My dad had taken care of his funeral arrangements so no expense there. The house was sold and split between the grandchildren along with the bank accounts.
None of the family know ... more than a year later I cashed in the life insurance policy and always get a good laugh with my dad when I visit his grave ... he knew what would happen once he was gone and I didn't. It makes me happy when I think about it. I really love that man. RIP Dad you pulled off a good one!
My dad passed away in 1984 five years after my mother. I have one brother and one sister, neither one ever came about my parents even though their children was always a constant with my parents. My parents left everything to the grandchildren.
After my mother passed away my dad starting hauling things to my home. Old antiques from my grandmother and my mother's collection too. A hall tree, washstand with pitcher and bowl, old churn, marble top tables, a Jenny Lind bed, jewelry. I told him to stop but he was determine this was what my mother wanted. He then sat me down and gave me an insurance policy with just me as the beneficiary. He told me when he passed to be sure and get a copy of his death certificate but not to cash it in until the estate was settled.
My brother-in-law was administrator of my dad's estate and after dad passed away, I received a call to meet him and my sister at dad's house. I got there and the house was totally empty ... everything was gone. Bedrooms empty, kitchen empty, dining room empty, den empty, nothing in the house and his car was gone. They had a box of pictures I had given my parents of my children with my name on it. Even with removing the things my dad gave me he and mom still had a house full of furniture, china, silver, linens (my mom loved January White Sales!)
But it didn't matter to me, the only thing I truly loved and would always miss in that house was gone, my mom and dad. The other things are just 'stuff' and I have given the antiques to my children when they moved out. My dad had taken care of his funeral arrangements so no expense there. The house was sold and split between the grandchildren along with the bank accounts.
None of the family know ... more than a year later I cashed in the life insurance policy and always get a good laugh with my dad when I visit his grave ... he knew what would happen once he was gone and I didn't. It makes me happy when I think about it. I really love that man. RIP Dad you pulled off a good one!
Your Dad sounds like a gem! Enjoy your money, I get the feeling your Dad would want you to.
My Mom and Dad always talked about splitting what was left between the kids. When my Dad passed away, he left everything to my Mom.
My Mom stayed in her home and my sister moved in. My sister had her own place and her own medical issues. She rented her place out and moved all her crap to my Mom's (for her to trip over). She did make sure my Mom's bills were paid, including the cable TV and Internet my sister got in my Mom's name. She made sure that Mom's money kept current on the mortgage and car insurance (including my sister's car). She made sure my Mom went to all her medical appointments. However, the fridge was overpacked with expired and moldy food. My Mom was not fed healthy meals and had wasted away to nothing. Plus dementia had kicked in.
We moved her into an assisted care facility. Her house had fallen to ruins. Obvious problems, that my sister could clearly see, had been ignored. Fortunately, the rest of the family is fairly handy and got it fixed up. Meanwhile, with 6 months notice, my sister couldn't even get all her own crap moved out on her own. Only a handful of my Mom and Dad's things were left for the rest of the siblings to reminisce over.
Somewhere along the way, my sister convinced my Mom that the rest of the family is well off and can fend for themselves. She laid on a guilt trip about how hard her own retirement was going to be (of course, that happens when you don't work). So everyone is completely written out of the will, with the exception of my sister.
We were all given the tools to be successful. My sister squandered her life and is now getting rewarded, at least in principal. She moved my Mom away from what Mom and Dad had said they wanted. There will be very little money left when my Mom passes, so it's not like we are missing out on anything.
I no longer communicate with my sister, because it is just so stressful for both of us.
Location: West of the Catalinas East of the Tortolitas
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I just found out this past week that this has now happened to me. My dh died 2 1/2 years ago. After the funeral, I realized I had to sell the house in CO as we had a condo in AZ that was much more manageable financially and physically. I told the 3 kids to go through the house and put sticky labels with their name on things they wanted from the house. We agreed to send the remainder to a storage unit in KS as older daughter, kids and dh were in Hungary with USAF until this past Spring, and younger daughter lives in KS. Younger daughter didn't want anything. One van was packed with things for me and went to AZ, but on arrival, my silver and son's guns and momentos of dad were gone; the other van with things for older daughter went to KS. We gave younger daughter a key to the storage unit for safe keeping.
This 4th of July, I went to KS with older daughter who is now back in US in GA. When we opened the door to the unit, all the boxes had been rifled through and as we opened boxes we realized all the sterling silver serving dishes, a ton of silver collector coins, sterling flatware, guns, and many other things were gone. Younger daughter had ransacked the unit to find and sell on Ebay all the silver and small antiques. She made over $5,000.00 and bought her 17 year old step-daughter a car.
The arrangement had been that no one was to touch anything in the storage unit until older daughter could come out, go through it with me, and decide what she wanted (couldn't take stuff before as too expensive to ship to Hungary), and what was left would go back to me. It turns out that younger daughter had loaded up her truck during the time of the funeral and taken most of the valuables from my home to KS and took the rest from the unit, so my son and older daughter never got their inheritance.
When confronted this week, younger daughter went on screaming rampage, called us greedy, said we were slime, but admitted she sold everything. Her excuse was that she thought I said get rid of anything you don't want. She knows I never said that. Why would I knowing that my daughter had asked for many things (that was fine) and we were holding them for her until she got to the States?
Now, I don't know what to do. I printed her feedback from Ebay so I know who bought some of the things that were still part of the Estate; but a lot isn't accounted for, and I'm worried about the guns--.22 shotgun, 30-30 Winchester and an antique 5 shot revolver that were taken by younger daughter even though she knew they were for my son, as they were registered in my dh's name.
Some people have said, "It's gone. It's just stuff. Forget about it, but cut off all ties with daughter." Others have said, "The silver and stuff may be gone, but find out about the guns, and get them back". I have nothing in writing that divvys up the things, just daughter and son's recollections. I don't want younger daughter and her dh arrested, but I do want restitution and the guns. She's admitted she took and sold everything, now I'm just perplexed as to what to do.
Last edited by Marcy1210; 07-10-2012 at 02:22 AM..
Reason: Clarity
.........Now, I don't know what to do. I printed her feedback from Ebay so I know who bought some of the things that were still part of the Estate; but a lot isn't accounted for, and I'm worried about the guns--.22 shotgun, 30-30 Winchester and an antique 5 shot revolver that were taken by younger daughter even though she knew they were for my son, as they were registered in my dh's name.
Some people have said, "It's gone. It's just stuff. Forget about it, but cut off all ties with daughter." Others have said, "The silver and stuff may be gone, but find out about the guns, and get them back". I have nothing in writing that divvys up the things, just daughter and son's recollections. I don't want younger daughter and her dh arrested, but I do want restitution and the guns. She's admitted she took and sold everything, now I'm just perplexed as to what to do.
Usually there is no gun "registration" per say, except in a few rare states. You would need to be able to prove ownership beyond a reasonable doubt in order to press charges. Gun theft is a felony (each count), as is I suspect the amount of silver and other valuables which were stolen and sold.
Frankly, per the law, you need to report those fireams as stolen. Ebay doesn't allow the sale of firearms so she must have sold them elsewhere. Serial numbers would be the most helpful information to provide to law enforcement. If you have an attorney for the estate I suggest discussing this situation ASAP tomorrow. Should the guns be used in a crime you do not want to be held responsible for not reporting their theft from the estate of your husband.
Your daughter gambled figuring she could get away with it and you wouldn't turn her in to the law and it appears she was correct. Up to this point her bad behavior has been rewarded (profited financially from her crimes) when there are no real consequences to be faced.
I am truly sorry you have to go through this. Mean family members who behave the worst at the death of a parent are truly abhorent self-centered creatures. I can empathize.
Sad, Marcy. I don't know what I'd do. You must be heart-broken to learn that your daughter would behave like that.
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I was never privy to the dispute(s) that my mother and her sibs had after my (maternal) grandfather died, but it was immediately after his death, and it split the family for several years. Mom had three sisters still living at the time, and two wanted (the funeral handled?) one way and the other two the other way. They couldn't agree. It caused a feud in an otherwise close-knit family.
I was probably about 8 at the time, and it also separated me from my cousins. Very sad.
I think the death of a parent creates stresses on us that sometimes causes poor decision making at a time when we're all feeling strong emotions anyway.
The last thing I'd want is for my death to cause a tiff between my kids. Since my son was born 40 years ago, my family has been the most important part of my life. I've (happily) sacrificed much of my life and career for my family. A feud between my "adult" kids or wife? Please no!
As a parent and grandparent, I strongly urge anyone who has quit speaking to a family member due to a dispute surrounding the death of a parent to reconsider what you're doing.
Location: West of the Catalinas East of the Tortolitas
4,922 posts, read 8,571,496 times
Reputation: 8044
Quote:
Originally Posted by lifelongMOgal
Usually there is no gun "registration" per say, except in a few rare states. You would need to be able to prove ownership beyond a reasonable doubt in order to press charges. Gun theft is a felony (each count), as is I suspect the amount of silver and other valuables which were stolen and sold.
Frankly, per the law, you need to report those fireams as stolen. Ebay doesn't allow the sale of firearms so she must have sold them elsewhere. Serial numbers would be the most helpful information to provide to law enforcement. If you have an attorney for the estate I suggest discussing this situation ASAP tomorrow. Should the guns be used in a crime you do not want to be held responsible for not reporting their theft from the estate of your husband.
Your daughter gambled figuring she could get away with it and you wouldn't turn her in to the law and it appears she was correct. Up to this point her bad behavior has been rewarded (profited financially from her crimes) when there are no real consequences to be faced.
I am truly sorry you have to go through this. Mean family members who behave the worst at the death of a parent are truly abhorent self-centered creatures. I can empathize.
You're right about reporting the guns. I'd like to think they'd never be used in a crime, but what if they're stolen from my daughter? On the other hand, I can't prove they're dh's as I don't have serial #'s, exact make and models, date of purchase or anything. He would have registered them in the 1970's, and I'm positive he did as he was an attorney and wouldn't risk not registering them. I do have an attorney for the estate since it's still not closed, so I will talk to her. Thank you for the advice. I needed to hear that so I'd make a decision. It's so hard when it's your own child. I'd have no problem reporting any of this if anyone outside my family were involved....
As a parent and grandparent, I strongly urge anyone who has quit speaking to a family member due to a dispute surrounding the death of a parent to reconsider what you're doing.
My youngest sister (YS) has essentially broken off contact with me and our other two sisters following the death of my mother just over six months ago.
I was always so proud of my family for the way we came together during times of difficulty. When my brother died in an accident 14 years ago, we supported one another through the grieving process. Toes got stepped on during this period of raw emotions, yet things got smoothed over because we all knew it was a time of being vulnerable.
My parents divorced several years after my brother died, which was hard for all of us. Mom took up permanent residence in Florida, while Dad stayed in New England. My mother's health began to decline several years ago and we were not able to see her often. (YS) had the least contact with Mom; she got upset with Mom over a call she made one Christmas, where my mother cut the conversation short to go meet with friends for Christmas dinner.
What is hard for the three eldest sisters is trying to understand why the youngest one is cutting us off. None of us want to play amateur psychiatrist, but its hard to wrap our heads around it. Mom's death came quickly and was not expected; during those first few weeks after she died, we seemed to pull together. Then it all began to fall apart.
Because YS is not communicating with us, we do not know the reasons behind it. The few emails we get deal only with the settlement of the estate, some of which have been harsh. None of us know how to approach the situation. We did try a conference call, where YS became hysterical and verbally attacked one sister, with much profanity laced into her tirade. She also yelled that she was sick of being treated like a baby by the rest of us for more than 45 years.
It is sad. My mother was extremely proud of her children and she would never have wanted this. Likewise, Dad loves us equally and it hurts to have lost precious relationships through death, including my brother, my parent's marriage, my mother and now our relationship with our sister.
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