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Old 06-23-2008, 02:01 PM
5,273 posts, read 6,394,282 times
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Has this happened to anyone? Not speaking to a family member after someone in family died?
We weren't the closest growing up, but you would think a brother/sister would mature through the years.
My mom died 14 years ago. My brother (who is 2 years older than I)married a real peach of a woman.He fought with her through their relationship it is a wonder they are still together. She basically didn't want him to have a relationship with anyone in his family. She is very insecure and my brother has cut off basically everyone in his extended family. My mother and father are both deceased. This event happened after the passing of my mom.

I had gotten married 3 wks after my mom died. I still had things in my old house that I resided in for 29 years. I asked my brother to do a walk through of anything in house he/I wanted to split or take....I called him 3 times,left messages on answering machine and no call backs.

I proceeded to go over the old house and get my things I still had..I went to the door and the locks were changed ! I then ended up getting my belongings and leaving ALL THE FURNITURE/APPLIANCES/lawn equipment..only my Mom's bedroom set!

My dear brother came over my house and had a few choice words for me. He was getting married in 2 weeks and had not one stick of furniture. They had nothing to move into their small apt. He then "spit" right in my face and told me a few more choice words. I was humiliated to say the least. I am going to only mention the basics here as I care not to bring everything up here.

Being the nice person I am, I called him 5 months later after the whole ordeal with my mom's estate was over..He asked me "who put me up to calling him".. I said, I am the only sister you have and you are the only brother I have".. He basically didn't care. I had gotten divorced and a friend had told him I wanted to talk to him. He said Maybe in a few months that he was having a kid...That never happened (getting a hold of me).

He had two kids and never told anyone in my family except one family member *an aunt* that he even had a child. I sent a savings bond in his kid's name and got it returned to me w/ his wife's writing on it. I sent him a few cards over the years and an announcement on the birth of my kids. I haven't seen him in 14 years. I just think life is too short, but when you keep getting kicked in the arse its not worth it anymore. I think I was the bigger one by trying to end this crud.What could one be so bitter about 14 years later is beyond me over petty stuff. I chose to let all of this nonsense go years ago..I guess if I died tomorrow he would still not show any remorse or care at all.

Would you even bother to contact someone like this anymore? I thnk I have had enough heartache.It just totally hurts he could have nothing to do with his own sister.
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Old 06-23-2008, 02:05 PM
Location: Southern California
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Life is too short. This man is your brother by genetics but he doesn't act like a brother. Leave him alone to sort his own stuff out. I am sorry you're going through this. It's really sad.
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Old 06-23-2008, 02:07 PM
Location: Southern California
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Oh, and you asked whether this had happened to anyone else. It happened among my mother and her brothers and sisters.

After my grandmother died, my grandfather started calling us and asking weird questions and we realized he was getting "a little forgetful". We moved in to his house to take care of him. It turns out he had Alzeheimer's. Years later he died and he left money to each of the children except my mother, to whom he left the house for having fed and taken care of him, taken him to the doctor, etc. all those years.

The aunts and uncles all flipped out and nobody spoke to my family for a long time.

Today they speak to us (me, my sister and my brother; my mother has since died) but truly, it has never been the same. We're left out of 90% of the "family" stuff.
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Old 06-23-2008, 02:12 PM
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Jerz. Thanks for writing. It does seem like it happens in a lot of families.. I wasn't brought up to fight over stupid things...and i know I have a clear conscience leaving 90 percent of my mom's things..They should have had some money saved to buy themselves their own bed in my opinion. I ma glad I left almost everything too....I was extremely close to my Mom and I know she is rolling over in her grave with this.
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Old 06-23-2008, 02:18 PM
Location: Fort Worth, Texas
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My brother has embezzled (fancy word for being a theif) somewhere between 3-6 million dollars that was meant to remain in a trust to take care of my Mother (set up on my Fathers death). Then when my Mother passed away, it was to be split between my brother, sister and myself.

Yes there has been legal action but the money is GONE, some of it probably in Costa Rica according to documents found. It will NOT be recovered.

We don't speak, I wouldn't pour water on him if he were on fire. Yes I will come to his funeral, only to make sure the SOB is dead.

This is the culmination of years of verbal and physical abuse that my sister and I have endured in our family and in my opinion, life is too short to have people who treat you like trash on the bottom of your shoe in it.
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Old 06-23-2008, 02:38 PM
Location: Tennessee
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Old 06-23-2008, 03:07 PM
Location: Charlotte, NC
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I too, grew up with family not talking to each other for most of my life.

My father left my mother when my sister was born, and never looked back. No money, no support, no aid, nothing! His family (lived in the US, originated from Athens, Greece) was mortified, and tried to get him to take care of us, however he changed his name & eventually they stopped looking.

My mom (born in Berlin, Germany) moved us back to Germany (where her family was), and than just as I was coming on 5, moved back to US for school. My mother did all she could to raise us, we lived in Welfare homes, barely had 2 matching shoes, lived off food stamps (hey remember the green stamps you would get at the supermarkets..than go get a toaster..LOL, also when the gas stations would give you forks/knives/spoons & glasses) and she had so much pride, that she had a hard time taking help from his family, but she would because at times she just had to.
We were always close w/his family, up until my late teens. A few had passed on, & someone had eventually located my father & he was loaded with money(we never saw apenny), and heres where he tried to come back into our lives.

Well unfortunately, his family had nothing to do with him no more, but my mom wanted us to get to know him. I think she thought she was doing the right thing. She was not a supporter of hate, and believed everyone has good in them. We did what she told us to do, even though we didn't want anything to do with him. Good Lord, we didn't even know him.

Well, the ironic part was eventually, I was planning my wedding, & whoever hadn't died by this time was coming..but unfortunately, lost my uncle (his brother), 2weeks before my wedding. The funeral was 2 days before the wedding (he was in Florida, and was shipped up to NY), and the family was not happy that I didn't cancel my wedding & that my father was coming w/his new family. So needless to say, they didn't come, and after the wedding I never saw any of my remaining family members (on fathers side) again. They were very harsh & nasty to me, & mom. Now they are gone, and that is that. I am in my early 40's and have only my sister left.

Do I have any point to this, no...but I know what it is like to have family that just doesn't acknowledge other members. My uncle funeral was the last one I went to on my fathers side, so I hadn't seen them since 1989 (they are all gone since 2001). Well, I know that there were 2 cousins younger than me & my sis, so I am assuming they are alive with families, maybe not. My moms side all gone since 1994. Did I ever regret not seeing people who helped raised me? At first I was bothered, but they were extremely nasty to my mother before & after my wedding, and that really bothered me because she didn't deserve their disrespect. They did call me when my mother died, I assume they saw the obituaries (?), and I said Thank you for calling, and simply hung up.
Of course, there are alot of details to this and it did have to do w/money, & values, but not with death or possessions.

I am very sorry, that your brother doesn't talk to you, it is ashame, but if you know you did what you could to mend fences, and he doesn't want to meet you, I think you should just concentrate on yourself & your family. I never regretted my choices, so hopefully you won't either.
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Old 06-23-2008, 03:39 PM
Location: Fort Worth, Texas
10,716 posts, read 31,026,539 times
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Family should love you MORE, should treat you BETTER.
Being family shouldn't be a reason to just lay down and be a doormat for someone.

In my family, that was always the excuse to keep on taking it. Well I don't buy it. When a complete stranger or people who are friends treat you better then your family, its time to get a new family.
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Old 06-23-2008, 09:23 PM
5,273 posts, read 6,394,282 times
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Linsey-so right. Why get treated like garbage or gum on a shoe. I feel it is their loss. Having someone spit at someone is barbaric and uncalled for. It was humiliating. Whatever comes around goes around. Sad, but true. It may not happen now, but it could in years to come...I just wonder how do people have a conscience with the way they treat others?

Georgie-sorry you had to go through all of this too! We cant pick our family,right? Thanks for sharing your personal story. I appreciate it, to you also Linsey..you both have gone through alot.
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Old 06-23-2008, 09:42 PM
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It is sad and heart breaking to try and mend fences when you don't know what you did and they don't want to mend that fence. My Mother passed 18 yrs. ago, my Father is
still here but in poor health. My older sister has been horrible for the past 16 yrs. some people are just always unhappy and bitter. My Father is so afraid of her getting angry with him it is sad, his pat answer to me is don't say anything to upset your sister. Never mind that she told him I was dead to her because he gave me a chair. I dread the day my Dad is gone I know it will be a nightmare. There are 4 of us and she only speaks to my younger sister.

Some days I think I have had enough, but when I see sisters that really get along and enjoy each others company and families it hurts to not have that and to know all that my children are missing out on.
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