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Old 10-10-2008, 05:56 PM
Location: NJ
1,495 posts, read 4,438,106 times
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HOw long has it taken for you to be able to so call "move on" and accept? It was a year this week since I suddenly lost my father and I feel like I'm still at the stage of denial and cry just about everyday because I just feel so sad. I think maybe I need to see some type of bereavement counselor I don't know if that would help?
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Old 10-10-2008, 07:56 PM
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My Dad passed away 3 years ago this past Labor Day. Like you I used to cry often, and I mean I sobbed, not just quiet tears. I was with Daddy the last week or so of his life and was there when he died. I remember some of the moments so clearly as he often told me and others in the family how much he loved us. Even now I still tear up when I write this.

The first year was a roller coaster of emotions. I cried nearly everyday. At the anniversary of his death I couldn't believe it had been a year. Gradually, and I mean so gradual I don't remember exactly when, there were fewer crying spells. Three years later, I don't think about my Dad on a daily basis but when something reminds me of him I still get that tight feeling in my throat and tears well up. I don't know that anyone can give you an exact time frame for when you will "move on" and accept it. I mean, he is gone and you will never see him again on this earth so you sort of have to accept it. As for moving on, that depends. If you feel you need bereavement counseling I would certainly seek out a grief support group. I begged my Mom to go but she wasn't so interested. Earlier this year she began dating (she turns 68 this year) and while I know she still misses my Dad, she has come to accept that she deserves to be happy again. She has said she will never remarry or live with a man but she enjoys being around men and having a dinner companion or someone to go shopping with or just sit and watch TV. I accept that and encourage it. I think seeing my Mom move on has helped me to move on as well.

I don't know that you're in the stage of denial, but you are still grieving and obviously that fact is bothering you. Unless you've lost your ability to function as you did prior to your Dad's death, you might find a grief support group just as effective as professional counseling. I reached a point about 2 months after Daddy's death where I felt I really could use something to help me sleep. After trying 3 different meds I decided maybe the real issue was depression and not just insomnia. I sought help and was placed on an antidepressant which helped a lot. But I think time is what really helped the most. While I don't believe time heals all wounds, it does make the pain fade. Try talking to your physician to see if he/she recommends a trial of antidepressants and/or counseling or the support group. You are not alone in your feelings and grief is a normal reaction to the loss of someone you love.
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Old 10-10-2008, 08:30 PM
Location: NJ
1,495 posts, read 4,438,106 times
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Thank you for the advice. I think what also makes it so hard for me is that I was only 30 and never imagined I'd lose him so early in my life. It was something I expected to happen at least ten years from now and I would have a child and he/she would get to meet grandpa. I also didn't see him much the last month because I was busy with the beginning of school and that day he died I was supposed to go over and see them, but I was so tired from work that I said to myself "oh I'll go tomorrow". I didn't get to say goodbye and that I loved him and that is what makes me so sad as well.

Reading books about grieving has helped a bit, but since all my friends still have their parents, it's also difficult for them to relate to me. I will look into some possible counseling in my area and see what I can find.
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Old 10-10-2008, 09:15 PM
Location: God's Country
21,416 posts, read 29,537,833 times
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My daddy passed away 18 years ago, on my birthday. I didn't make it to the hospital to say goodbye. It took me years go get over this. I still miss him, I always will, but what made it easier was when I finally ask God to help through it. He has given strength to face my birthday again and enjoy my birthday again. I miss my daddy, I wish he could have been here to walk me down the aisle when I got married, I will always miss him, I have beautiful memories that I cherish and I am so thankful to God that I had a daddy who loved me so much.
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Old 10-10-2008, 09:36 PM
Location: In a delirium
2,588 posts, read 4,851,560 times
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You said it was sudden and I think those losses take longer to accept. My father died this past December, but he'd had 6 strokes, was facing brain surgery and had just gone through surgery when a blood clot took his life. It wasn't too much of a surprise for anyone when he passed, as he was old and frail. So, I'm by no means over it, but I don't mourn him daily. There are times when I choke up and cry, times when I just choke up, and times when I feel sad. Then there are times I'm glad he's not suffering anymore, because the last years weren't good.

Anyway, I don't see anything wrong with seeing a bereavement counselor. There isn't anything wrong with you, but you do need to process feelings in a positive manner - sorry to sound so clinical there. But, I really do think it's harder to lose someone suddenly and if help is available, by all means take it.
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Old 10-10-2008, 10:17 PM
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My father died 2.5 years ago, without warning. I was 24.

It was probably a couple of weeks before I went a whole day with no tears...and I still think of him every single day. I still cry if I think about him for more than a fleeting "Oh, dad would think this is funny..."

Grief counseling might be a good idea. You could always try it and quit if it doesn't seem to be helping.

I'm sorry about your dad ((hugs))
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Old 10-10-2008, 10:32 PM
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I lost my dad when I was 18 and my mom at 19. It was a very hard time for me and I finally sought out counseling for it over 20 years later. It did help, however, I still miss them terribly and have no idea what they'd be like now. I do sometimes feel sorry for myself that I never was able to have an adult relationship with them. When they died, I was a teenager. Going out, dating, in college, etc. Not having them was hard as far as not having trusted parents to go to for advice. On the upside, I am fiercely independent and even though I'm married, I don't need anyone to take care of me. I have not had anyone "looking out for my back" since I was 19 and not afraid of being alone if I should find myself in that situation again. My husband is a trusted and loving partner. But the fact of the matter is that he has a family. Parents and siblings. I'm an only child. So if things fell apart, he has a nuclear family to fall back on.
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Old 10-11-2008, 01:21 AM
Location: Ohio
2,178 posts, read 7,799,309 times
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My Dad died 12 years ago. He was 83 when colon cancer took him so he at least had a fairly long life. I remember when he was 82 I saw him way up in a maple tree pruning limbs. We all thought he would make it to 90 or better. Never was seriously ill before in his life.
We were fishing buddies since I was about 5 yrs old. I was 49 when he died but it is hard to lose a parent no matter what age you are. It was almost 3 years before I could go back to the lake where we did most of our fishing.
The pain dims as the years go by. The memories do not.
I still have the little 12 ft Jon boat that he had had for many years. I'll never sell that boat. One day it will go to one of my son's.
Sometimes I can still almost see him sitting in that boat with a fishing pole in his hand. It brings a smile and even a deeper appreciation of having a great Dad.
I still miss him and I just try to be the kind of son he would still be proud of even though I am now approaching the senior status.
Maybe someday one, or all 3 of my son's, will sit on a lake in that old boat and remember me as fondly as I remember my Dad. And I hope that they remember that life must go on and they have an obligation to do the best they can for themselves and their families. If they do that, I will remain as proud of them then as I am now.
That is what we must all do that have lost parents. We have to keep their legacys alive with the way we live our lives.

Last edited by Robhu; 10-11-2008 at 01:56 AM..
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Old 10-11-2008, 03:41 AM
Location: very near Georgetown, KY
197 posts, read 664,836 times
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I lost my mother when I was five years old. She had borrowed a friend's car and went Christmas shopping for my brother and I. It was an unusually foggy morning. In the town we lived in (Berry, KY) there were no railroad gates. As she went up the hill to the track, and was crossing it, the train engineer was sounding the dingy. My mother didn't hear it. The train was drug 100 feet down the track, and came to a stop directly in front of the house we lived in (and in front of the church we attended across the track).

I really have few childhood memories of my mother (none of my father, he left her after my brother was born). This has haunted me my entire life. One person had told me that in the accident the gear shifter stick on the steering column went in one side of her face, and came out the other. That she was in a coma. About two years ago my wife and I were traveling to Falmouth, KY to see the funeral director and ask if he knew any details about the accident. He told us that he remembered vividly everything that had happened. The accident happened back in 1977. He said that on the day of the accident he was directing a funeral at the church that was across the track from our house. He said that there was this crashing sound and an awful screeching noise as the car was pushed down the track.

At this point in telling us about all this he became uneasy, and asked us if we wanted more details. I told him to continue and he said that what had happened was that the car was hit in the front passenger side door. Because of the impact my mother's body was thrown toward the passenger door. The door was crushed inward and the passenger seat was pushed toward my mother. Her head got caught in between the door and the seat and the top half of her head was cut off. The director says he can remember seeing her brain pulsating. Anyway, she was basically brain dead, and was on life support for two weeks. My grandfather wouldn't let them take her off the support system, because he was very religious and was convinced that God was going to heal her. The funeral director finally convinced him that it was her time to leave, and so my granfather, all teary eyed, gave the okay for his daughter to be taken off the system.

To this day I wish I could have known my mother better. And I know that she loved me dearly, I have very vague memories of her playing with me in the back yard, and getting a bumblebee out of my shirt, and making me snow cream for the first time. I really can't type more about this. I'm glad this thread was created, though.
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Old 10-11-2008, 04:52 AM
12,870 posts, read 12,773,798 times
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i am grateful that i had the father that i did. his loss was hard, but i try to honor him by living a responsible life and following his value system.
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