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Old 10-26-2008, 10:45 AM
 
Location: Iowa
918 posts, read 1,438,304 times
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A very sad situation to be sure... I am really sorry.
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Old 10-26-2008, 10:45 AM
 
9,912 posts, read 12,186,445 times
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Candle lit here and much love and positive energy coming your way.

I'm so very sorry.


YouTube - Neil Young And Eddie Vedder [Pearl Jam] - Long Road
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Old 10-26-2008, 10:46 AM
 
Location: Tucson
42,837 posts, read 77,132,636 times
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Sorry to hear that. While I can totally relate to people having had enough of life, it's really unusual for such a young person to feel this way. Then again, what we may dismiss as being a minor problem could've been enormous to him. Losing a child must be horrible. My heart goes to his family.

As far as what to do to help them go through it, I'm probably in the minority here. Even though I don't have a big social circle, it so happened that I happened to have people around me when my mom and dad passed away a day apart. I really wish they weren't, but couldn't find a good and non-offensive way to tell them so. It was bad enough I couldn't even go to their funerals as it was going to be too late even if I jumped on a plane immediately (back home it's mandatory to have the funeral on the day following the death). I needed to be alone. Had absolutely no need to see anybody, talk about distracting things, being made to watch TV, etc. I'll always regret having these first few days this way. It's like I had to postpone grieving because of them and I didn't want to.
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Old 10-26-2008, 10:48 AM
 
2,751 posts, read 4,711,121 times
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Quote:
Originally Posted by mrstewart View Post
I feel the same...how could any of us know the pain he carried? My heart breaks at the thought of him feeling like whatever he was experiencing was never going to get better and there was no hope knowing a new day would come with a new perspective and renewed strength.

Thank you for your prayers...his family will need them...

Should I have them stay here, if they would like? Their house is not a place for them to be right now since there are some rather blatant reminders right now.

I just cannot put myself in their shoes and anticipate what they may need...my mind and heart cannot take me there.

I understand. To be available, but not intrude. To be there for them, but not an additional burden. It's a tightrope walk. Just something about your way, about what you say and don't say, what you do and don't do, I'd say just make it clear that whatever they need is what you will provide, even if it means to just leave them alone. I'm in a similar situation today. I am on my way over to the hospital to see someone who is very dear, one of the most important people in my life, and usually I handle these things well, I'm usually the rock, the guy people look to for support. But this one's got me, and when people are looking to me for support I'm not there. My wife told me last night in her brutally direct way that I had better get it together, she told me in a way that made me think that she was disappointed in me, but the truth is the tears are flowing as I write this; I'm usually much better than this, I'm sorry.
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Old 10-26-2008, 11:01 AM
 
13,779 posts, read 23,213,867 times
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Quote:
Originally Posted by sierraAZ View Post
Sorry to hear that. While I can totally relate to people having had enough of life, it's really unusual for such a young person to feel this way. Then again, what we may dismiss as being a minor problem could've been enormous to him. Losing a child must be horrible. My heart goes to his family.

As far as what to do to help them go through it, I'm probably in the minority here. Even though I don't have a big social circle, it so happened that I happened to have people around me when my mom and dad passed away a day apart. I really wish they weren't, but couldn't find a good and non-offensive way to tell them so. It was bad enough I couldn't even go to their funerals as it was going to be too late even if I jumped on a plane immediately (back home it's mandatory to have the funeral on the day following the death). I needed to be alone. Had absolutely no need to see anybody, talk about distracting things, being made to watch TV, etc. I'll always regret having these first few days this way. It's like I had to postpone grieving because of them and I didn't want to.
I never thought of it that way...I guess I will just feel it out...she and her family are unable to stay in the house right now as it needs to bee cleaned professionally and I believe they will come tomorrow.

She is typically someone who wants everyone around her, but I have not spoken to her directly yet since they are dealing with the police and trying to call their families out of state.
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Old 10-26-2008, 11:03 AM
 
13,779 posts, read 23,213,867 times
Reputation: 7378
Quote:
Originally Posted by ExPit View Post
I understand. To be available, but not intrude. To be there for them, but not an additional burden. It's a tightrope walk. Just something about your way, about what you say and don't say, what you do and don't do, I'd say just make it clear that whatever they need is what you will provide, even if it means to just leave them alone. I'm in a similar situation today. I am on my way over to the hospital to see someone who is very dear, one of the most important people in my life, and usually I handle these things well, I'm usually the rock, the guy people look to for support. But this one's got me, and when people are looking to me for support I'm not there. My wife told me last night in her brutally direct way that I had better get it together, she told me in a way that made me think that she was disappointed in me, but the truth is the tears are flowing as I write this; I'm usually much better than this, I'm sorry.
You are right...there is a fine line to walk between supportive and burdensome. Thank goodness we are close enough she will undoubtedly tell me to get the heck out if I do too much... It is hard since I have not lost a child and especially to suicide.
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Old 10-26-2008, 11:20 AM
 
23,922 posts, read 31,144,740 times
Reputation: 28549
Quote:
Originally Posted by sierraAZ View Post
it so happened that I happened to have people around me when my mom and dad passed away a day apart. I really wish they weren't, but couldn't find a good and non-offensive way to tell them so. It was bad enough I couldn't even go to their funerals as it was going to be too late even if I jumped on a plane immediately (back home it's mandatory to have the funeral on the day following the death). I needed to be alone. Had absolutely no need to see anybody, talk about distracting things, being made to watch TV, etc. I'll always regret having these first few days this way. It's like I had to postpone grieving because of them and I didn't want to.
I am exactly the same way. I want to be ALONE. I know people have the best intentions, but I resolve grief best alone, and it is so hard to do with so many well-intentioned friends and family. The bad part is, it makes it difficult for me to ever know what to say to others at their time of need. I feel sometimes as if I am a social ignoramus in these types of situations.
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Old 10-26-2008, 11:28 AM
 
13,779 posts, read 23,213,867 times
Reputation: 7378
Quote:
Originally Posted by ChessieMom View Post
I am exactly the same way. I want to be ALONE. I know people have the best intentions, but I resolve grief best alone, and it is so hard to do with so many well-intentioned friends and family. The bad part is, it makes it difficult for me to ever know what to say to others at their time of need. I feel sometimes as if I am a social ignoramus in these types of situations.
I do not want to be completely alone when I am having a hard time...I like to be able to pick and choose who I reach out to. Having someone with me would probably be cumbersome to me but grabbing the phone to call on someone for help works better.

I will just wait for word from her and let her guide me in the direction she needs me most.

Thank you all so much.
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Old 10-26-2008, 11:31 AM
 
Location: S.Dak
19,017 posts, read 8,700,592 times
Reputation: 28548
LIFE...so fragile.
LOSS... so sudden.
HEART...so broken.

In the wake of such a loss, we're haunted by things we don't - and may never - understand.
Yet the solace we seek, may not come from answers.
So we look for comfort in the belief of love's everlasting
connection.

May that love lift you,

hold you close,

and give you peace.
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Old 10-26-2008, 11:48 AM
 
13,779 posts, read 23,213,867 times
Reputation: 7378
Quote:
Originally Posted by debey View Post
LIFE...so fragile.
LOSS... so sudden.
HEART...so broken.

In the wake of such a loss, we're haunted by things we don't - and may never - understand.
Yet the solace we seek, may not come from answers.
So we look for comfort in the belief of love's everlasting
connection.

May that love lift you,

hold you close,

and give you peace.
I am going to give this to my friend when she is ready, if that is alright. Thank you for sharing.
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