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Old 12-29-2008, 11:42 PM
 
182 posts, read 540,095 times
Reputation: 128

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About a year and a half ago, my best friend died in a car crash. She was only 25, and like all accidental deaths, it was a huge shock. I felt like i stayed as busy as i could and got over it by trying to not think about it or feel anything. It really hurts to talk about her, and i don't mention her unless i have to.

My husband works almost an hour away, and it is scary driving this time of the year, as we live in a valley that gets foggy almost every day. My husband always calls or texts to let me know he is to work safely. Every once and a while there is some crisis at work and he can't let me know as soon as he gets there. Every single time i have freaked out, left a ton of texts, kept calling his phone. Last week he had to go away overnight for a business trip, and i could not concentrate the entire time, kept imagining horrible things that could have happened.

I can see it when i get crazy, but i can't stop myself. How do i deal with this? Have i not grieved properly? and is it too late to go back and do it right? I really want to start acting normally, and it is making me nuts, probably my poor husband too although he is too sweet to say

I would appreciate any suggestions. I really have no idea where to start here.
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Old 12-30-2008, 12:07 AM
 
Location: NoVa
18,435 posts, read 28,395,674 times
Reputation: 19578
It does sound like you pushed what happened away. Who really wants to think of such a thing?

I will tell you this. One day it is going to hit you hard. I hate to say it that way but it is what happened to me.

My Dad died back in 1995. He had cancer but it was removed, it seemed like everything was going to be fine. In our hearts and minds, it was all going to be ok.

He started getting sick again but it was due to heart problems. OK, I could handle this one, he had heart troubles my whole life. He needed a quad bypass. He was transferred to the heart hospital for the surgery and he had it.

Well, the surgery went well but when the surgeons were doing their work they found something else. The colon cancer had been removed and he was going to be just fine. No radiation needed or anything.

My Dad was found to have Lymphoma and it was really bad. He recovered from the surgery but it was too late with the Lymphoma. It could not be helped or resolved.

He finally came home and deteriorated little by little. His last week was horrible. In my mind, I had it set that he would be just fine. I was taking good care of him and he would be fine. I was twenty at the time. I had a little boy already.

So one day he got really bad off and we had to call 911. That night the dr in the er told me I would not be able to care for him at home anymore and that he would have to go into a nursing home if he made it out of the hospital.

He was transferred up to a private room late that night. I told the dr I would never put my Dad in a home that it was my duty as his daughter to take care of him.

We were both right that night. I went home early in the morning to get some sleep and my mom went to the hospital. My then husband told me that there was a dr on the phone for me.

I got on the phone and it was my dads dr of many years calling me personally. Not that er dr. He told me I needed to come quickly and say goodbye to my dad, he did not have long.

I rushed to the hospital and pulled a chair up next to the bed and held his hand and rubbed his face. My mom just sat there in a daze.

His breathing became very shallow when it was there. I ran down the hall and got a nurse. This was terrible, I thought... she said Oh that is normal for someone who is about to die. Thats how it happens.

Well... that is not exactly what I wanted to hear. My dad died in a couple of minutes. You see, in my mind I just knew he would make it. A few days earlier as I was feeding him some fruit cocktail he looked up at me and said, Do you think I am gonna make it, Robbie?" I said to my Dad, "Sure you are, Daddy." That question broke my heart.

While this situation is a bit different than yours leading up to the actual death, it is what happened after that is the same.

My dad died. I took care of the funeral arrangements. My mom was a robot. My sister blamed me for not calling her sooner. She had just been there. What did I know? I was not a healthcare professional.

As I visited his grave every week I told myself he was not gone, I just was not able to see him. He is just off somewhere and I cannot see him.

I was in the worst form of denial. It hit me hard about 6 months later. I suppose my heart and brain were working with one another to protect me. I was a Daddys' girl. I loved him more than anything. He meant the world to me and he was gone.

I sat there one day on the ground indian style and there was his name. There was his birthday. there was his death day. My dad was gone. My eyes were open to it finally.

You know, it was hard working through. I think that somehow my brain protected my heart for those 6 months. I don't think I could have handled it at the time.

The time will come when your process comes to light. One day your heart will be able to accept it and you will be able to move on. The people we love are always within us through their memories with us. Their smiles and their laughter.

Their touch. The love they extend. Sometimes it is just hard. I did not have such a hard time with my mother. I prepared myself. She lived much longer than expected by the drs. They told us 6 weeks and she lived 13 months.

This time I knew what to look for. You know, we are never TRULY prepared for a loss like this. I do not know if that period of denial after my fathers death was a good or bad thing. I do know that it helped me accept my mothers death.

You know, I also became a Christian in between that time period. That helped as well.

We are never really ready. After a while, it does get easier. I still miss them til this day. but it got a little better over time.

None of that was a suggestion, I just realized. Hopefully you know you are not alone in this situation, though.

God Bless.
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Old 12-30-2008, 12:46 AM
 
Location: Not tied down... maybe later! *rawr*
2,689 posts, read 6,057,204 times
Reputation: 4320
I understand what you're going through. My husband used to have a 3 hour commute (each way). Now that it's only a half hour you'd think it'd make me relax a little... but he's my best friend and I worry about things like car accidents too.

It doesn't help that I've lost a lot of people in my life. Some slowly, some suddenly. I still haven't decided on which way I like better. One way you get to say what you want to say and yet that means their suffering is longer and the other way, they're gone so fast and no matter how often you say things, you still wish for that one last chance.

In all honesty, sweetie... I'd look into some kind of counseling. Either individual or group; whichever you feel more comfortable with.

Don't know if you're the praying type. but my counselor suggested that whenever I get those fears, to start praying against them. Pray for protection over your loved one, etc.

And don't let society fool you.. it's the strong that get therapy. It's the weak that don't think they have a problem so they don't seek out some kind of help.


Great post, Pikantari!
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Old 12-30-2008, 01:20 AM
 
Location: Texas
525 posts, read 804,420 times
Reputation: 305
Quote:
Originally Posted by WindblownHair View Post
I can see it when i get crazy, but i can't stop myself. How do i deal with this? Have i not grieved properly? and is it too late to go back and do it right? I really want to start acting normally, and it is making me nuts, probably my poor husband too although he is too sweet to say

I would appreciate any suggestions. I really have no idea where to start here.



I don't know if this will help or not but when your husband leaves you might want to have some contrarian thoughts handy for when the bad ones come. For example, you imagine the worst-- then say to yourself something like "My husband is a very watchful and save driver-- the odds of him not being careful are very low" or "I trust that he can take care of himself" etc.. or whatever you want.. or "just because I don't know how he is right now does NOT necessarily mean anything is wrong"

if you really really are having trouble you might want to get some tools/techniques from a professional counselor... good luck
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Old 12-30-2008, 06:19 AM
 
Location: Between Philadelphia and Allentown, PA
5,077 posts, read 12,657,225 times
Reputation: 3713
I agree in that you should seek counseling. You are having panic attacks when you are not hearing from your hubby and freaking out. Remember too that it's putting a burden on him in that as soon as he gets to work he has to get in contact with you or else you will panic.
My fiance has over an hour long drive to another state. I do worry about him getting into an accident and I admit, I too get a little perturbed when he doesn't get in touch via email or call as soon as he gets there but I have to keep in mind, his job is very stressful, sometimes when he walks in the door there he gets pulled into meetings.. and it's life. I know it would be great if he would do what I want first but it just can't always be that way so I try to be better about it.

I think you definitely are going through something though and that you should talk to a professional about it so that you can let go of some of the fears you have.
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Old 12-30-2008, 07:36 AM
 
5,400 posts, read 12,126,745 times
Reputation: 5398
Default Cold comfort/reminder...

I'm sorry to hear of your situation, 'hope it gets better.

However, my purpose for responding has nothing to give you comfort, so please excuse me if I sound cold here, but you should make sure you have your will, or trust in order. Having done so will make your life easier should something unfortunate happen, God forbid.
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Old 12-30-2008, 07:50 AM
 
Location: NoVa
18,435 posts, read 28,395,674 times
Reputation: 19578
I agree with some of the other things posted here. One thing canibeyou said... prayer.

I am actually afraid every time I get behind the wheel. Every time my honey does too, and that is when I am sitting just next to him even!

I do a simple travelers prayer.. It actually helps me. I do no know why I had not thought of it last night.

I just pray to Him to allow me safe travel. Safe and without harm. Same for any of my loved ones. I thank Him for all that he does.

Life will be good for you. It will.
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Old 12-30-2008, 08:16 AM
 
Location: Beautiful New England
2,412 posts, read 6,303,210 times
Reputation: 3045
Quote:
Originally Posted by WindblownHair View Post
...i get crazy, but i can't stop myself. How do i deal with this? Have i not grieved properly? and is it too late to go back and do it right?
I am no mental health expert, but your situation has the classic hallmarks of PTSD (see: NIMH Post-Traumatic Stress Disorder (PTSD) )

The proper way to deal with this is via counseling. Contact your primary care physician and ask for a referral. It is OK to ask for help WindblownHair -- you need it and its just too harmful to yourself to remain in a bad state of mind.
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Old 12-30-2008, 08:16 AM
 
Location: Hot Springs, AR
5,612 posts, read 13,196,356 times
Reputation: 3739
I understand perfectly. When I was 15 my grandmother died of an asthma attack with me by her side. Ever since then, I become hyperviligant whenever I'm around someone who has a severe illness. But used to flat out panic. So when my sick friend who lived in NY took her phone off the hook and forgot to tell me, I called the police from LA to check on her.

Only time can lessen your sense of panic. Properly grieving will begin the healing process. You will never fully get over it, but you'll learn to cope and not panic. Here are the seven stages of grief. You have to go through all of them. By the time you have, you'll be in a calmer place. 7 STAGES OF GRIEF
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Old 12-30-2008, 08:24 AM
 
Location: syracuse ny
2,412 posts, read 4,372,454 times
Reputation: 2034
Quote:
Originally Posted by WindblownHair View Post
About a year and a half ago, my best friend died in a car crash. She was only 25, and like all accidental deaths, it was a huge shock. I felt like i stayed as busy as i could and got over it by trying to not think about it or feel anything. It really hurts to talk about her, and i don't mention her unless i have to.

My husband works almost an hour away, and it is scary driving this time of the year, as we live in a valley that gets foggy almost every day. My husband always calls or texts to let me know he is to work safely. Every once and a while there is some crisis at work and he can't let me know as soon as he gets there. Every single time i have freaked out, left a ton of texts, kept calling his phone. Last week he had to go away overnight for a business trip, and i could not concentrate the entire time, kept imagining horrible things that could have happened.

I can see it when i get crazy, but i can't stop myself. How do i deal with this? Have i not grieved properly? and is it too late to go back and do it right? I really want to start acting normally, and it is making me nuts, probably my poor husband too although he is too sweet to say

I would appreciate any suggestions. I really have no idea where to start here.
Stop letting 'Final destination" play nightly in your head, and return it to the video store???

You are suffering from post traumatic stress due to what you feel is the unreasonable loss of your friend. You have had your core beliefs stripped away and feel there's a bullet with your name on it out there. I know this...because I did it too. You have to learn to live in the day, let go and relax. And I know that's hard! There are usually groups that help deal with this kind of grief trauma, in my area they are called "hope for the berieved" Another thing that helps is to work with or at least visit somebody whose terminally ill and has gone through the stages of death. You'll get that feeling of why am I such a worrier when this person is calm and relaxed and they know for certain they're going to die...It helps you get back on your horse.
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