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Old 01-26-2009, 12:51 AM
 
Location: Jersey
253 posts, read 875,342 times
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I've had a bad year..... lost my father in June, an aunt in September, and my beloved husband of 27 years passed away 2 weeks ago. I seem to vascillate between grief and numbness. I'm functional, staying busy keeping the household afloat and adjusting. Has anyone found a place on these forums to discuss experiences with grief? I know there is no "normal" for dealing with grief, but wondering how others get through the loss of a spouse?
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Old 01-26-2009, 01:39 AM
 
2,751 posts, read 4,710,678 times
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Quote:
Originally Posted by Bagldot View Post
I've had a bad year..... lost my father in June, an aunt in September, and my beloved husband of 27 years passed away 2 weeks ago. I seem to vascillate between grief and numbness. I'm functional, staying busy keeping the household afloat and adjusting. Has anyone found a place on these forums to discuss experiences with grief? I know there is no "normal" for dealing with grief, but wondering how others get through the loss of a spouse?
I'm sorry you've had such a rough year. It seems to come that way, at once, and I don't know why that is. But your post, what you're doing, how you're coping, rings true. I've said the same things over and over the past month or so... I am numb, I'm keeping busy, I'm putting one foot in front of the other, I'm hurting...

I lost my mother almost a month ago and it came out of nowhere. For the past few months I have, we have been in a tailspin, trying to get over the last blow while the next one is speeding in our direction. We are in shock, it sounds like you are in shock, sometimes in happens like that. I can only tell you what I am doing, trying to do, beyond what you are already doing, and that's to force negative, self-indulgent, self-pitying or angry thoughts out of my head, replace them with all the good thoughts I have of her, the lessons in her life, the lessons I have a responsibility to carry with me. I do hope that you are not alone. That I believe, would make the process much more difficult. Hang in.
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Old 01-26-2009, 01:04 PM
 
5,273 posts, read 6,396,008 times
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Quote:
Originally Posted by Bagldot View Post
I've had a bad year..... lost my father in June, an aunt in September, and my beloved husband of 27 years passed away 2 weeks ago. I seem to vascillate between grief and numbness. I'm functional, staying busy keeping the household afloat and adjusting. Has anyone found a place on these forums to discuss experiences with grief? I know there is no "normal" for dealing with grief, but wondering how others get through the loss of a spouse?

I am sorry on the loss of your father and husband. I have not lost my spouse but have lost both parents. I had lost my dad at 23 (he was only 58)and my mom at 29. Five days after my dad died I lost my uncle at 58.

Everyone does grieve differently..but have you ever thought about going to a grief support group in your area of town? I did for myself and it helped alot! I even stayed on trying to help others through their grief. It does help and for me talking about it to my friends made a big difference.
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Old 01-26-2009, 01:07 PM
 
Location: Fredericksburg, Va
5,119 posts, read 12,720,764 times
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Oh, man--you have my sympathy! I have no idea what I'd do if something happened to my hubby of 33 years....I'd be totally lost.
I know that in our town, they do have "support groups"...I'm sure your town does, too.

You sound like you're grieving "normally", if that's even possible. They say time heals all....and I hope in your case it will, too. After 2 weeks, everything is still too fresh...hang in there, and give it some time!
Good luck to you!
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Old 01-26-2009, 04:25 PM
 
Location: Somewhere gray and damp, close to the West Coast
11,677 posts, read 2,089,693 times
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Bagldot, I also feel for you.

I think the wisest thing to do is seek professional help, or at least familiarize yourself with the symptoms of clinical depression. I started experiencing symptoms of major depression about a year after my mother passed on. That was 21 years ago, and I have lost all of my big family, one by one, since then, including losing my marriage in an ugly divorce.

I waited far too long to start treatment, or even admit that I was depressed. Fourteen years after starting to take antidepressants, I'm still only getting marginal relief.

Please, please, please, don't let the stigma of depression keep you from getting treatment, if you start to notice the symptoms. The longer you leave it untreated, the harder it is to treat.

Thanks for reaching out. The people I've met on CD are wonderful, for the most part, and your thread could turn into something beneficial for a lot of people. Take good care of yourself.
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Old 01-26-2009, 07:22 PM
 
2,833 posts, read 9,604,877 times
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I lost my Dad March 5, 2008. The grief is still very real...but I have noticed some progress. I never thought it would be this hard for this long. I think I might be stepping over into 'depression' but how does one recognize the difference from the normal process of grief and clinical depression?
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Old 01-27-2009, 05:21 AM
 
Location: Buffalo
322 posts, read 1,506,729 times
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I lost my 21 yr old son very unexpectantly 3 yrs ago in May and to say that it was a traumatizing time was an understatement!
I went to Memory-of.com and created a memory site for him with slideshows etc. There are also grief forums where you can post and talk to other people. There is also compassionate friends. I also blogged...... ALOT! I poured my grief and pain out on paper. I couldnt eat for years so I drank smoothies and Wheat grass shots for my nutrition. I went to an accupuncturist as well.
I tried to keep my life as stress free as I possibly could.
Last but not least I got myself a little shih tzu puppy and poured all my love into him. He was a good motivator to get up in the morning, go to the dog park and take him for walks in the park around the lake.
Two years after my son died I was rear ended by a driver going 50 miles per hour while I was stopped at a red light. My car was totaled and my dogs flew through the air from the back to the front of the car and landed at my feet. When I got out of the car shaken, I took pictures of the car. The pictures had flickers of light around it like it was surrounded by angels and this all happened the very day of the death anniversary of my son!
I realized it was a miracle that I survived and as soon as I was medically cleared some month and a half later I realized that I needed to stop moaning and groaning and get on with the business of living life and that I needed to live the life my son could no longer live!
It is very hard and I couldnt have done it all without God and my accupuncturist and applying good coping tools to my life.
But nevertheless it is a pain that will always be there. It is a pain that coincides with joy and it is a grief that changes you forever!
God Bless you.
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Old 01-27-2009, 09:10 PM
 
Location: Jersey
253 posts, read 875,342 times
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Thank you to everyone for your advice, I appreciate you sharing your experiences. I just feel lost - as my husband was such a partner and friend, I feel like I lost my compass in life. I'm trying to stay busy, have lots to do, but it's the quiet times that get to me. Friends are trying to keep me busy as well. I'm very lucky that I have our 18 year old daughter living at home while attending college. She certainly gives me a reason to keep things going in the house.

I'm going to try to go back to work on Monday, but not sure if it's time yet. I work from home which was great when my husband was alive, as he was retired and we were both home at the same time. Now the house seems so quiet and empty when he's not here. The problem with remote employees is that you often feel disconnected, since you're no in an office with your co-workers. I'm hoping that going back to work will do me good, even if I'm just connecting with people on the phone and on the computer. I'll keep you all posted.

I do have access to councilling through work, so I may take advantage of that too. I'll keep you all posted.
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Old 01-27-2009, 10:03 PM
 
2,751 posts, read 4,710,678 times
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I read your post and I feel what you're feeling, it pours out of your words. I don't have an answer, not really, but just to tell you that you are not alone in your feelings. One thing and old friend told me that did help, a guy who still has both his parents while now I have neither. He just basically said, I know it's rough what you're going through, but look at it this way, I still have to go through this, twice! I don't know why that helped me, but just to remind me that we all face the same things in this life just at different times. We are all pulling for you. Pitt
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Old 01-27-2009, 11:29 PM
 
Location: Everybody is going to hurt you, you just gotta find the ones worth suffering for-B Marley
9,506 posts, read 17,313,409 times
Reputation: 9335
Quote:
Originally Posted by Bagldot View Post
I've had a bad year..... lost my father in June, an aunt in September, and my beloved husband of 27 years passed away 2 weeks ago. I seem to vascillate between grief and numbness. I'm functional, staying busy keeping the household afloat and adjusting. Has anyone found a place on these forums to discuss experiences with grief? I know there is no "normal" for dealing with grief, but wondering how others get through the loss of a spouse?
I'm so sorry for your loss. I lost a brother and a sister in two years and another brother has cancer now and my parents aren't doing well. They've really gone downhill since losing two children (grown). I still haven't really figured out how to deal with it log term but only day to day. Some days are better than others. I wish I had some wise words, I'm sorry, I don't. I hope you find a way to deal with it that gives you comfort.
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