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Old 02-23-2009, 11:42 AM
 
Location: Everybody is going to hurt you, you just gotta find the ones worth suffering for-B Marley
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I guess this is more of a vent than anything. Have you ever had a family member do anything like this?

My mom told me my brother is having a hard time with our sister's death. I said (in a sympathetic tone b'c I DO understand), "I know, Mom, we all are". She said, "Yes but he suffers so much more than anyone else". I was speechless. She doesn't see what I go through b'c I'm 2,000 miles away so I guess she doesn't think I'm feeling it too? I felt like I was a contestant being eliminated from a grief competition when she said that. What do you say to something like that? What can you say?
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Old 02-23-2009, 11:44 AM
 
Location: In my skin
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Maybe she means he's not handling it as well as you are?
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Old 02-23-2009, 11:46 AM
 
Location: Land of 10000 Lakes +
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I guess it's because she sees him and can't see you. It's too bad she said that. You can say, "Mom you can't know that." And, as Chocolate, said, we all suffer in our own way - not a lesser way.
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Old 02-23-2009, 11:49 AM
 
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Actually, this is more common than you'd think, for death does very strange things to families. The fabric of their lives is torn, and it takes some time to knit matters back together again.

My uncle in Miami died about 16 years ago. Now, I always had a lot of affection for Bill because, even when I was six or seven, he always took time to talk to me about interesting things. My Aunt, Betty, on the other hand, has always been a shrewish and dominating presence at the family get-togethers.

So when Bill passed away, I immediately began making plane reservations to Miami, for I wanted to be there for the funeral. Then I was informed that there would be no funeral for Bill, just Aunt Betty and their two children. Well, okay...so once again, I start to send flowers, only to be informed by my mother that, oddly, my Aunt did not want flowers, gifts, candygrams, or any other acknowledgment of Bill's passing. So, disappointed that I could not say goodbye to a kind and loving presence in my life, I let matters drop.

Fast forward three years later at a family gathering, and my Aunt decides that would be an opportune time to take me to task for not acknowledging Bill's passing to her. She then goes down the checklist of all the people who wrote her kind and thankful notes. I immediately countered, stating flatly how I was stopped from actually traveling to the funeral or sending flowers or gifts, but she wouldn't hear of it. Instead, because I didn't make the grand gesture to her personally, then I was the terrible nephew. Holy mackerel, that's always been one screwed up family.
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Old 02-23-2009, 11:50 AM
miu
 
Location: MA/NH
16,516 posts, read 33,487,698 times
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Quote:
Originally Posted by Public_Newsense View Post
I guess this is more of a vent than anything. Have you ever had a family member do anything like this?

My mom told me my brother is having a hard time with our sister's death. I said (in a sympathetic tone b'c I DO understand), "I know, Mom, we all are". She said, "Yes but he suffers so much more than anyone else". I was speechless. She doesn't see what I go through b'c I'm 2,000 miles away so I guess she doesn't think I'm feeling it too? I felt like I was a contestant being eliminated from a grief competition when she said that. What do you say to something like that? What can you say?
That was a really stupid thing for your mom to say. But cut her some slack as she's grieving also, so she's not thinking straight. There should be no grieving competitions, so don't take the bait.
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Old 02-23-2009, 11:56 AM
 
Location: Everybody is going to hurt you, you just gotta find the ones worth suffering for-B Marley
9,506 posts, read 17,336,883 times
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Quote:
Originally Posted by PassTheChocolate View Post
Maybe she means he's not handling it as well as you are?
I don't know how she could know that but that's what I was suspecting, b'c she can't see me, she doesn't know what I'm going through. I tried to let it go and didn't say anything but it's still in the back of my mind.

No, Miu, I won't take the bait. I guess that's why I'm blowing off steam here.

CPG, that's a messed up situation. With some people you're just damned if you do and damned if you don't.
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Old 02-23-2009, 12:41 PM
miu
 
Location: MA/NH
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And you never know, maybe your mom is telling your brother that you're hurting more than he is. Emotions are running high, tend to your own needs first.
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Old 02-23-2009, 12:45 PM
 
Location: Wyoming
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A couple days after my late wife died our house filled with friends and relatives stopping by to offer condolences and help make plans for the funeral. (I asked her closest friends and family to participate in the funeral service -- lead prayers, read her poetry, relate personal stories, etc.) There was great sadness underneath it all, but there was also laughter and smiles.

Her youngest daughter, 24 at the time, couldn't understand how everyone could "act like nothing happened." She even (privately) accused one of her mother's friends of throwing herself at me.

Everyone grieves differently, and most try to cover up their sorrow or, at least, tuck it away from open view and do their crying privately. Her older sister and I tried to explain that to her. I'm not sure if we really got through to her or not.
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Old 02-23-2009, 12:59 PM
 
Location: Land of 10000 Lakes +
5,554 posts, read 5,874,982 times
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Quote:
Originally Posted by cpg35223 View Post
Actually, this is more common than you'd think, for death does very strange things to families. The fabric of their lives is torn, and it takes some time to knit matters back together again.
That is very well said and so true.
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Old 02-23-2009, 01:17 PM
 
Location: Orlando
8,181 posts, read 16,179,490 times
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Quote:
Originally Posted by Public_Newsense View Post
I guess this is more of a vent than anything. Have you ever had a family member do anything like this?

My mom told me my brother is having a hard time with our sister's death. I said (in a sympathetic tone b'c I DO understand), "I know, Mom, we all are". She said, "Yes but he suffers so much more than anyone else". I was speechless. She doesn't see what I go through b'c I'm 2,000 miles away so I guess she doesn't think I'm feeling it too? I felt like I was a contestant being eliminated from a grief competition when she said that. What do you say to something like that? What can you say?

I'm so sorry you're having to go thru all of this. It sounds like she views you both differently. You being the stronger of the two.
I won't ask the birth order but I can probably guess that you are the oldest or middle child and your brother is the youngest.

I'm the middle child and my mother considers me the 'strong' one sometimes ingoring my feelings in the process.

You could respond with something like, "I hope you know that I'm suffering too, but having him right there I can see why you would feel differently."

If this wasn't your mother, I'd make her explain, but since this was her child, and she's suffering too, we need to cut her some slack.

She's venting.

I'm so sorry for your loss.
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